I Review Stupid Things #4: Manuals
By The_A_Drain 22 Comments
I wanted to write this a long time ago, unfortunately I did not have access to a scanner, nor the particular images I wanted to talk about, however for once the gods seem to be acting in my favor, and i've miraculously come into the possesion of a lovely little printer/scanner combo machine. I decided it was time to finally talk about these manuals.
First up, we have a very special manual, one that belongs to a game most of you will know, and many of you will agree was under-appreciated. The Darkness. Unfortunately, there isn't an awful lot to actually say about this manual, so i'll let its uniqueness speak for itself.
The Darkness
Unfortunately, I imagine Microsoft would not allow them to forego the inclusion of the XBOX360 and Xbox LIVE logos as well as their banner across the top, but it's obvious that it was Starbreeze's intention to have the manual completely blank, there isn't one of their own logos to be seen, and I would imagine again, the legal jargon on the back also cannot be negotiated away.
I feel this is very unfortunate, because in my personal opinion, this is the greatest video game manual of all time, it's quiet, dignified, stylish, mysterious and at the same time normal. It looks like a regular old diary, obviously with a few extra blood stains, and it perfectly fits the theme of the game.
The manual itself is informative, nicely stylised and a good balance between scrawled notes that you would find in Jacky's diary and vital game information, even that is presented in a stylish fashion, making images look like poleroids that have been stuck into the diary. Equally importantly, it offers all the core information you would expect of a manual, while this doesn't sound like a phenominal achievement you would be surprised how often manuals simply forget to mention important things, like something as stupidly simple as how to open a door.
Some might see it as obnoxious, or pretentious, but I see this manual as magnificent and glorious. I simply adore it, too bad the game wasn't this great.
HITMAN: Blood Money

The other major factor that brings it down is that the inside of the manual does nothing to continue the illusion, each page has a rough, chalky pink background and makes no attempt to look like the old, leatherbound book that the cover alludes to, instead it switches to a different style altogether with modern looking silhouted images performing each of the various actions available to the character. Unfortunately, this is not where it ends, even without noticing the change of style, you will notice the bad design, the horrendous page layout, and poor attempts at humor dotted throughout.
Overall i'd have the say that this manual dissapoints on many levels, which is a shame, because at first glance it's a good idea, just poorly executed. Much like the game itself.
Wario Land: The Shake Dimension
It's not often I get excited, but this manual excites me. It makes me want to play, climb trees and run about like maniac, what you might call re-living a traditional childhood. And that's not even the best part, it has stickers. Fucking stickers. (Forgive the scan quality, they look much better for real)



In other news, the GI Joe movie looks shit, I tried (and failed) yet again to play Castlevania: SoTN, i've given up on MvC2 due to disconnectors not being good for my blood pressure, and I still do not understand the last 20 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey.