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Making fun of pandas in Warcraft 3, part 1 (Warning: lotsa pics)

By TheLazyPyro August 31, 2009 21 Comments

Today I have played something, and a brilliant idea came to my mind. I need to Mystery Science Theater 3000 the hell out of this. Oh, the joy that doing this will bring…

What I am MST3King is a Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne custom campaign called “The Prophecy of Pandaria.” For those that don’t know, Pandaria is the land of the Pandarens. This is a race of… panda people. Japanese panda people. So that’s not what is odd about this. Just… you know what? Lets just get down to things.

I swear to god, the first time I read the description I thought it said I was returning to the land I was boned. Well I guess if a game starts with the hero going back home to get boned it can’t be to bad. It could be a quest to find and bone a girl. That’d be odd for a WC game, but hey, it’s thinking outside the box.

…Oh, wait? What’s that? It says “borned”? What the hell is a borned? The hell? Even spell check is telling me this word should be boned! It’s also telling me the word should be “burned” or “bored.” Funny. By the end of this game I was A) bored and B) wanting to burn it. Oh, what’s that fourth word there? Borne? …Is this game about Jason Borne? Hell yea!

…Who are you? Where is Borne? What’s that? His last name is spelled Bourne? Well crap. I’ve been fooled. *Sigh.* Alright then. Meet the hero of our game: Samaro Yo-koci. I think his name falls under the rule of “as long as it sounds foreign.” He has amazing trouble sniffing powers. And swords. One of them is even on fire.

Not the Gnols! …I want to take the time now to point out the race is spelled “Gnolls.” I also really like Gnolls. Why? Because Gnolls are miniwoofs! And everyone likes miniwoofs!

And here we have the Night elves fighting the Gnolls, err… I mean the Gnols. They must do things like stay tough and defend themselves. I want to take the time to point out the Night Elves are actually strong enough to defend themselves and I do not really need to aid them for them to win…

…But I have this odd feeling I’m going to aid them anyway…

Ah, finally. Gameplay. Some things to point out. A) I have a buff called “Fire Fire Fire.” It raises my armor by 1.5. No explanation is given, or even attempted, as to why it does that. I guess the ninjas can’t catch me if I’m on fire. B) Take a good look at my stats. Remember that, at the current time, I do 26-36 hero damage, have 6 +1.5 hero armor, and have 17 Strength, 24 Agility and 19 Intelligence. Please remember these things for me.

So I save the Elves. Yay! …That’s it? Really? Nothing? I’m serious, nothing happens. You kill the Gnolls and that’s it. The elves don’t talk to you, you get no items and nothing happens. I leveled up though, which is nice. But if you are going to throw a random plot element like that in then go somewhere with it! You can’t just throw some elves in then go “Ok, you saved the elves. Nice job. Get lost.”

Let me put this in perspective. If, on Kaerwyn, I randomly started a plot where some elves were getting attacked by some other people then you would really like to know why the elves are there, right? So lets save the elves! Ok, you save the elves. Now what? They stare at you. And that’s it. I know at least two characters that would start popping heads until someone gave them answers. It just makes no sense.

Because I leveled up, I can learn a new skill. I have two choices. Either A) Learn Holy Light. Holy Light can heal a teammate for 200 health, or do 100 damage to an undead. Or B) Raise my stats by 3. I take Holy Light.

By the way, you may be wondering why those Night Elves are on fire. This is because Fire Fire Fire is a aura ability. Meaning I can light all my buddies on fire too.

At this point I use the “I see dead people” cheat because I don’t give two shits about playing this without cheating. If it’s bad, then I’m not slogging through it with guess work. I get to see the path is pretty linear though, so that’s good. I go right first and find 3 golems. I decide to kill them, because XP is good. Sadly, I find out that the game is made to lock me at level 2. Darn. I do find a Health Stone on one of the bodies though. It heals me for 500 health. Useful, since I only had about 100 left after the fight.

I head for town, but at the four way intersection I come to a cutscene. It brings up a good question…

Why can’t these signs be, oh I dunno… ON A SIGN POST? That too much work? Maybe then people won’t step on the sign and damage it! Then we can know something other then where the path of the dead is! I’m pretty sure people want to know what’s ahead. Or what they are being dared to do to the right. So I decided to go down the path of the dead and…

What a letdown.

Oh, nice. Sweet. A secret area. I found a Crown of Kings +5. It increases all my stats by 5. That happening raises my damage by 5 and my armor by 1.5. Sweet. There’s also a fountain of health here.

I decide to go left this time. What do I find? Skeletons! I have a sudden feeling that they may have mixed the two path names up. There’s a cave at the end of this path, so lets head in there.

…Hello? Uhm… Why? The point of this is… what? What is going on here? This one better be explained better then the Night Elves.

Oh, hello there. Guess that’s why. Well, I guess it’s explained better then the Night Elves. Not that it would take much to explain something better then that. I want to point out that for killing the wraith I get about 48 gold, putting me at 92. The gold has no point though. There /is/ a shop in the place I’m going to, but nothing carries over to the next chapter, nor is there anything useful I can by for under 100 gold (There is one item, but it's not useful). In fact, neither of the two items that cost 150 are useful for this level. In fact, I don’t think a single thing sold is useful.

So I finally get to the village. Samaro states the obvious. Yay.

Odd. Didn’t know he was expecting me. Did he just magically know I was coming. Actually, this is Warcraft, so that would make sense. Wait, a point in the story that makes sense? NOOOOOOOOOOOO---

…there is a penguin on fire. Why… but… how… For some reason the guy who made the map put the penguins on your team. This means they are affected by the Fire Fire Fire aura. Normally they just light the weapons on fire, but penguins don’t have weapons. So they just burst into flames. Nice one.

Here’s the Headmaster. He’s never given a name, so I think I’ll call him Dumblepanda. Like Dumbledore. But it’s a panda. Dumblepanda. Yay! So Dumblepanda tells you he’ll give you what to seek for. I don’t remember looking for anything at anytime. Why could they not have told me this before?

Samaro and Dumblepanda warp to the front gate. And we get attacked by a swarm of miniwoofs. So the front gate hosts a miniwoofs slaughter. This makes me sad deep inside. Those poor miniwoofs. I think we should have a moment of silence for the miniwoofs. Without a doubt they were much more likeable characters then Samaro and Dumblepanda. Also, let me take a moment to point out he spells reinforcements wrong twice. Dumblepanda’s line of text has it wrong, as does the counter in the upper right corner. What’s worse is that it’s spelled different both times. Spell check has forsaken this game.

The reinforcements came! Dirty joke. Tee-hee. Would it have killed the guy to put a period in-between “village” and “the” though? Or make sure he isn’t spelling reinforcements wrong again?

I want to point out that at this point Dumblepanda and Samaro begin to walk back to the area they were at before. It looks really silly. They also have the tendency to get stuck on things, which only makes it look worse.

And here is the ending of Chapter 1. I’m not sure when Illidian became the lord of darkness. Ok, I’ll roll I guess. What is the first thing Illidian does as lord of darkness? He wants to attack a bunch of boning pandas. Wonderful. So now we need to find Asaro and Mu-kasa so we can defeat Illidian because some prophecy tells us to? I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t remember that part in Warcraft lore. I mean… why the hell would he care about a couple of pandas! They are already going extinct! Leave them alone!

…And while you are at it, leave the miniwoofs alone too!

And that’s it. After this screen they kick me back to the selection screen without telling me how awesome my victory was and expect me to click chapter two. Well I will. And I’ll make that post tomorrow. Trust me, it only gets worse from here.

21 Comments

The good, the bad and the ugly.

By TheLazyPyro August 25, 2009 5 Comments

Haven't written a blog in a while, so I decided to put some random video game stuff here.

First off, I got 100% of trophies on Infamous a few days ago. Those damn blast shards are all over the place. It's just... awful. I understand the want to have collectible items in an open world game. It inspires exploration through an open world environment. Just... 350 is way to many. Well, luckily it's over now. Now that I'm done with Infamous (or inFAMOUS if you want to be politically correct) I may write a review for the game. Now that I have two reviews under my belt, I feel I'm getting into the swing of things.

Gamefly sent two games, and while I have not finished either one yet I'm going to give a bit of a preview of them.

The first is Call of Juarez: Bound by Blood and the second is Stormrise. Starting with Call of Juarez: Bound by Blood, I found this to be a pretty good FPS. It's a really fun representation of the wild west setting we've all grown to know and love. It's kind of interesting how a simple switch of settings can make a game feel different. Really, raise a hand if you've played a FPS recently that wasn't set in A) World War II B) modern times or C) a science fiction setting. While this does cover a lot of ground, there are more places to do an FPS. I do want to point out the game Darkest of Days looks like one of the more interesting examples of an FPS. Anyway, back to Bound by Blood. One of the better points of the game is the relation between the three McCall brothers, Ray, Thomas and William. The three are fun to watch in cutscenes and their arguments. Overall I'm enjoying the game and I'll give it a review when I'm done.

On the other hand... Stormrise... Just... Oh my god. What the hell went wrong with this game? There is just not one redeeming feature of this game. I've called a lot of games my personal worst game of all time, like Haze, Lord of the Rings: Conquest and Lair but this... this may just be that game that tops all of those in suckage. The camera lets me see nothing, the controls are awful the characters are either boring or annoying and the gameplay is just... slow! I know it's suppose to be an RTS, but it's slow even for an RTS! One of the biggest faults is the inability to select more then one unit, making any strategy to damn hard to pull off. Another huge huge problem in the game is a minute long delay between the time you tell a unit to do something and when they actually do it. Finally, units get stuck all the time. I can't do anything because they keep getting stuck on stairs, walls and all kinds of objects. Even more, if this can get any worse, units won't stop to fight something if they get attacked. I know this is more of a common problem in most RTS, but it's especially bad in this one. Is there anything good about this game? Well, it has an interesting plot premise, but I'm likely to send it back before even finishing the first fucking level so that amounts to nothing. The premise, for those that don't know: We figure out how to control the weather to prevent a crisis. Still we manage to screw up and accidentally create a huge firestorm that blows tons of shit up. Commander Geary attempts to help people by forming a group called the Echelon, but there are so many people he is unable to aid them all. There he forces himself to leave a large chunk of people outside as there is not enough room in their hibernation pods. Those that live become a new group called the Sai and they adapt to the environment and are trying to get revenge on the Echelon. I can see such potential in this, but... it just backfires! Such a mess! Infact, the whole game just reeks of the potential that could have happened. It had so many good ideas that just fell short. What a mess.

Anyway, a Kaerwyn update, which I may do from time to time. A hurricane hit the town, leading to the destruction of a lot of stuff. Of my characters, one has lost a home, two lost a business (They both owned it.) and one was impaled in the chest by a pipe. Isabella, my character who lost the home, is already suffering from the problem that is a missing lover so she's sorta broken right now. We were able to choose rewards for characters if they lost anything major, so I chose some for Groggy and Sen, the two who lost the business. Sen was able to find a new building in town where the owner had died. I was aloud to make a plot out of this, so I decided to make something interesting. Pretty much a plot that's heavily inspired of the Edgar Allen Poe books The Cask of Amontillado and The Black Cat, with a little bit of the game Shadow Hearts: From the New World throw in for some good measure. Groggy, on the other hand, got an item called "The amulet of the asshole." It's pretty much an amulet that makes him act like a evil little bastard. Well, even more of an evil little bastard, since he already acted like enough of an evil little bastard to begin with. I really like what came out of the storm, and I'm pretty sure this plot could be fun. Hopefully things won't go wrong anywhere along the way. =P

Anyway, I'm going to post this in the general forums and ask a question for those that read through the whole thing. Have you played Stormrise? If so, did you care for the game at all? If not, what is the worst game you have played and why? And please don't say something like Halo or Final Fantasy VII because it's popular. I want reasons people. Good reasons.

5 Comments

A.O.Hell

By TheLazyPyro August 11, 2009 29 Comments

So I'm at my grandparents house for a while. You know what that means? The beach! Yay! I love the beach. It's fun. It's nice. It's an all around wonderful thing.

So we are at the beach in the morning. And at night? Well there's a computer. Ok, cool. Let's just log on the internet and...

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT. BOOP BOOP. PHONE DIALING. BZZZZT BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Sorry, the sound of me hitting my head against the desk may have just cut in. A.O.Fricking.L. Wonderful. Just... wonderful. I'm sure we all have great memories of A.O.L. That noise from above that scares little kids, the hour long waits, the constant time on the phone wait for someone to cancel the suck. Just... how is this company, if we can even call it that, still around? It's just an awful thing made by an awful company that should have gone out of business forever ago. Yet it has not yet. Why? Who the hell still uses A.O.Hell?

Ugh. Whatever. I thougt the humor may be nice for people, so I'm posting this to the forums. I want to know, you guys have any bad experencies with A.O.L? Need to just rant about the damn thing in general? Can do that here too if need be.

29 Comments

Alright then, so... just joined the site.

By TheLazyPyro August 8, 2009 3 Comments

Awesome. Wonderful. Cool.

...So yea. Hi. Name is Sam and I'm a huge video game person. Because that's what most people on this site are. I own a Ps3 and I like to keep as far away from the fanboy wars as possible. Like if they are on that side of the room, I want to be on this side of the room. Besides, this side has my bed and my laptop. It's cozy.

Besides video games, I'm a role player. Play on a site called Kaerwyn, and if I don't log on every day I suffer from withdrawal. No, not spazzy "I need my fix!" withdrawal. More like "Holy shit I have an awesome idea and I totally want to get it done now!" withdrawal.

Besides role playing, I like to write funny things. Like this blog. I will have lots of overly-sarcastic things to write about, and I'm going to have fun doing it. And if you're reading my overly-sarcastic things and grinning and going "I like this guy" then either A) I achieved my goal and every thing is going according to plan, or B) you're a pedophile and that's pretty creepy. Like really creepy. Get a life. Freak.

So what else to add here? Well I'm not sure. I guess something will come around as I read more stuff and watch more trailers and think about witty responses to them. I just recently got 100% of trophies in Godfather 2 and I'm thinking about writing a review for the game. It was a good game for a Game Fly rental. Could be worse. Maybe I'll finally get around to beating Shadow Hearts: From the new World sometime this year.

I think that's about all. I'm a 16 year old with a brain, the ability to format an argument in a mature fashion and I'm witty. That can be quite deadly given the proper usage. Or I can end up a Marty Stu. Let's try to avoid that fate, shall we?

3 Comments