My Dream Harem

I dream of ruling the world with a omnipotent and benevolently tyrannical iron fist. Every good tyrant of course, needs a harem. But in my dreams, my Haremites aren't JUST a bunch of sex-starved nymphettes awaiting my attention. They're my enforcers, my bodyguards, my generals, my strategists, my administrators, and even my entertainment. They're everything a good tyrant needs in order to rule the cosmos. So with no further adieu...my dream harem. Now some jailbait may pop up from time to time...partly because videogame developers seem to see no problem with giving 13 year old girls Double D Cups which can make ascertaining age on some of these ladies difficult. And partly cuz...well...you know. If jailbait does pop up, we'll just assume they're Haremites-in-Training :)

List items

  • She's Lara Effin' Croft dude. Nuff said.

  • Ok so she gets around like...alot. But rest assured that no matter what your problem is, Shaundi has an ex-boyfriend she can dial up to solve it for you. And a hookah for later.

  • Ah Rubi...what can I say? Tall, dark, and sizzling. Being an absolute badass with a sword and gun makes her an ideal assassin and bodyguard in addition to...ahem. Other talents.

  • Genetically engineered perfection, brilliance, technical skill, marksmanship, and biotics(Mass Effect version of Magic) all in one sexy spy catsuit. Hellz yeah.

  • Ah Morrigan. Shapeshifter, kickass mage, and as I conquer the cosmos she'll make sure I never go soft. Interpret that as you will.

  • Sexy slutty euro-trash ninja-twins! Hell to the yeah deuce!

  • Sexy slutty euro-trash ninja-twins! Hell to the yeah!

  • Yes, I know she's gay. No, I don't care. She's in the harem and considering the company she'll be keeping, I suspect she'll learn to love me. She'll also handle my espionage work.

  • "Ooh, she could get sick. She's vulnerable. I wonder what she looks like under the helmet."

  • It's a rare woman indeed who can make Bald look good. Kiera Knightly did it. Jack did it too. The crazy biotic powers are just a bonus.

  • She's the blonde Morrigan! She's Blondigan!

  • Sweet and innocent on the outside, with a willingness to delve into dark, forbidden magic inside. All Morrigan's power, none of her bitchiness.

  • Getting her over all that goody two-shoes crap will take some doing, but leliana Plus Isabela = Never a Dull Night.

  • She's like a pirate, AND a ninja! Hell she can conquer the cosmos without me!

  • She can magically recharge my energy while I fight, and she ain't too shabby with those duel scimitars of hers either.

  • She kicks Jedi/Sith booty with her bare hands man. And she trains nekkid.

  • She's not the uber-fighter others on this list are, but she's adequate. And a rocker-"grrrl", so she can provide musical entertainment for myself and my political prisoners...err...I mean, honored guests. :)

  • Professional Wrestling + Ninja + Fishnet Bodysuit = Score!

  • Professional monster hunters and shaman princesses are always a welcome contribution to any self-respecting harem. Her lust for powerful men, and her dark ambitions just make her all the more well suited to this list.

  • The Queen of Ass-Kickery. Great bodyguard, and any girl who wears a skirt that small and a top that tight will do ANYTHING.

  • Elves are always hot. Aribeth is a bit of a prude but once she loosens up I suspect she'll be quite the wild thing. She also makes a good military leader and administrator.

  • What can I say? From time to time even the cruelest tyrannical despot needs a bit of sunshine to perk him up in the morning. Nothing sours Moira's mood!

  • I love Lara, but Samus just may have a stronger claim to the title of First Lady of Gaming. Being a one-(wo)man perpetrator of alien genocide also helps to make her useful for a Galactic Tyrant such as my imaginary self.

  • When you absolutely positively have to kill some nazis, accept no substitute.

  • Her clothes are made out of her hair...or something. I never was too clear on that. And she kills Angels. Weird. bad, freaky looking angels. So she can protect me when the heavenly host inevitably tries to put a stop to my evil galactic rampage.

  • Every tyrant needs a treasure hunter. Yes, that's why I need her. To hunt me up some treasure...

  • She's like Kratos with boobs. Nuff said.

  • She's a pirate! She may not look like it but she is and I am sure my Navy will have need of her talents. No, not THOSE talents. The nautical ones. No not...sigh. Nevermind.

  • Dude, look at her. She was BORN to be in a Harem. Mystical assassin skills are just a bonus.

  • Sure she's kinda moody and she gets around a bit, but she's cute as a button and she gives you free ammo. How can you not love that?

  • It's always wise to have a cop on the payroll...and in the harem.

  • I stopped trying to make sense out of streetfighter backstories ages ago. Suffice to say she has whacky powers, uber-skillz, and an ass that just won't quit.

  • Rikku's back!

  • Scientist, sniper, and Lolita all in one.

  • One half Cougar Town, One half M60 Machine Gun. I'm in love.

  • Ok, so she's mostly useless. But she was BORN with an awesome porn star name. THat's gotta be worth something.

  • Journalist by day, assassin by night.

  • My own pet computer whiz.

  • The only thing better than a barely legal sex toy is one that doesn't talk back! I totally get the appeal of inflatable dolls now!

  • What do you get when you add Bullets and Witches? No dumbass, not Bayonetta. You get Alicia! Yay! Alicia came first, and nice girls always come first.

  • So The 3rd Birthday was one great big WTF. That doesn't stop Aya(Or is she Eve now? Who the hell knows. Stupid 3rd Birthday) from being chock fulla Mitochondrial awesomeness.

  • When you need hordes of alien/mutant animal freaks, she's your go-to gal.

  • In addition to being able to do a standing split, and being a kung Fu princess she is a master chef. Hellz yeah baby.

  • Uber sorceroress who can enchant others with runes to give them uber powers too. Huzzah!

  • Singing entertainment and crazy magic sounds like a good combo to me.

  • Black Mage for the win.

  • You can never have too many spies. The long slit dresses are just a bonus.

  • Kasumi kadoomi...

  • If ever i'm falling to my demise, Elika will be there with a helping hand.

  • She has a tight t-shirt with "SLUT" plastered across her chest. I approve of her forthright honesty. Oh and I guess eh can assist with...err...time-related...stuff.

  • Somebody to compile hitlists for me :)

  • This bad girl just needs a spanking. And she has very creative uses for minions.

  • She's always got a grenade handy, and let's be honest...is there ever a bad time for grenades? I think not.

  • Even tyranical despots may find themselves in need of legal representation. Mia's so dedicated she won't even let a silly thing like death keep her out of the courtroom.

  • Possibly the most fucked up chick in gaming history. But damn can she kick ass.

  • Someone to train my riding beasts...when i'm not busy riding her. Ho!

  • Ok let's face it. Lula's sole reason for existance is porn. So she'll train the more prudish, serious, or inexperienced members of my harem in the fine art of...ahem...loosening up. Hehe. Ok, I feel dirty now.

  • She's a lean mean parkour machine.

  • Someone to oversee my gladiatorial games.

  • She'll be in charge of mass manufacture of my slave collars.

  • She can run my police force. What? Even us tyrannical despots have to provide police forces of some sort to maintain order within our empire. Palpatine had his Storm Troopers for example.

  • Crazy Vampire's identical Twin Sister? Alright, I can make that sacrifice. Families must stay together afterall...

  • Gotta love a chick who knows Kung Fu, commands gods and other mythological beasts, AND puts out.

  • She kicks ass bareknuckle style, the way god intended.

  • Just ask anybody at MSNBC or MEdia Matters and they'll tell you how useful it can be to have the Press in your pocket.