So I should preface this by stating that I am a time traveller from 2036, but unlike John Titor I'm for real.
The best US president is President Bernard Sanders, president from your United States between 2016 & 2021. Tragically he died in office, assassinated by a libertarian mad that democratic socialism had not in fact lead to civil war and instead had reduced the rampant inequality of the previous decades encouraged by Reaganomics and improved the standard of living across America.
Unfortunately after President Sanders death he was replaced by his VP, the awful neo-liberal favourite of Wall Street, Cory Booker. And well, it all goes bad guys. Ends up in a red terror on the scale of the Killing Fields as the people rise up. And the army swing in and crush the rebellion with a white counter-revolution & oh god. The violence. The terror. The horror. Hence why I built a time machine from household objects, to experience the glory years for myself before it all goes wrong.
For real though. If we're not being neutral & saying "best", just favourite, then rather than judge which is closest to my ideology (ie none of them), I'll pick the ones with the most impressive facial hair. So that's the last 100 years out the window, 20th century, why the fuck did you stop with respectable moustaches & beards? Awful.
- Rutherford B. Hayes. A full beard. Rare among American Presidents. Very well kempt, doesn't approach the peak levels of Darwin or Marx (though his is more from the more unkempt school, which I am personally more in favour of). Full grey.
- James A. Garfield. Another full beard. But shorter than Hayes. Greying, but not all the way there yet, a bit salt & pepper which is in his favour.
- Ulysses S. Grant. The 1870s. A time for middle initials and a time for beards. OK, it's not all positive, you see the end of reconstruction and a violently active Klan. The Gilded Era mess begins. But beards and middle initials, truly a glorious age. Grant brings along a very short beard, salt & pepper. But for me length is a big thing. (hurr hurr, insert your own joke)
- Chester A. Arthur. Arthur took over after Garfield was assassinated and he saw the Presidency move from 3 men with full beards into the era of the moustache (this isn't true, I just forgot about Benjamin Harrison. And tell me, who hasn't done that?), with his own compromise solution, the mutton chop. And very wild they were too.
- Martin Van Buren. The only Antebellum President on the list (and highest ranking Democrat), Van Buren brings some wild sideburns to the show. Good for him, clearly he spent so much time trying to solve the unemployment crisis that he was unable to keep them trimmed. Such masculine, natural, unfettered growth would never be possible in this day and age of 24 hour news telling you nothing.
- William Howard Taft. The last President of the United States to have facial hair, having left office 101 years ago. A true tragedy on a scale with Vietnam. Taft brings America's finest Presidential moustache, a handlebar which doesn't reach the levels of some European monarchs of the time but is still very admirable.
- Abraham Lincoln. I don't know about the chin curtain. Personally I think it is perhaps a little too close to the neckbeard. But credit where it is due, Lincoln wore his well.
- Benjamin Harrison. I almost forgot him. The actual last bearded President. I don't know though. I'm not feeling it. All white, very short, what's the point of a beard that short, really?
- Theodore Roosevelt. It's a good 'tache, and it goes well with his pince-nez. But it is poor compared to almost everyone else on the list.
- Grover Cleveland. It's basically the same as Teddys. Eh.
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