(Note: while I will be posting this in the Succession thread, this will also be its own stand-alone blog for people into dwarf torture.)

(Well, today's the day.) Today's the day I leave my Lunar Kingdoms so that I might take a bit of a vacation in the world of Shimmeroiled. You see, quite some time ago, I heard of a start-up Fortress in need of some leadership. Immediately, I thought, "This is perfect for me! I hate dwarves! *maniacal laugh*" I signed up, and now, I leave my castle to tend to the Fortress. Of course, I can sense some of my subjects wondering what would become of my own Kingdom during my stay at the Fortress. Fret not, my royal subjects, for I leave my Kingdom in the hands of Taiyn Hidueria, Queen of Airal and the United Lunar Kingdoms. She is a master of diplomacy and government; I trust my Kingdom will be in good hands during my leave.

I arrive at the gates of Shimmeroiled and am immediately greeted by its previous ruler, @onarum @Shofixti. Appropriately enough, he looks like Erik the Swift of Lost Vikings fame, en 'e speaks loiyke this, 'e roiyght does! With open arms, he greets me and ushers me into the tavern. I am not sure it's a tavern, but he assures me that it is a tavern. And it is in this "tavern" that Shofixti informs me of the current situation. Apparently, the Fort has been having trouble with goblins, of late. How do I, in my infinite wisdom, solve it?

Now, some of my predecessors object, telling me that I left some dwarfs out in the wilderness to fend for themselves. But I explain my rationale: coming from an isolated confederation of Kingdoms, I work best away from the prying eyes of man. Besides, I haven't had any serious control over an army for about forty years; what use could I have of such a thing? Anyway, with that taken care of, I survey the Fort, searching out any and a-

And so Shofixti's Safecave is discovered. Immediately, I order all dwarfs into the Safecave. Little do they know that one by one, they march to their eternal deaths. Yet what could harm them?

Well, I want to make sure that these dwarfs will forever be safe, so...

Initially, the dwarfs are hopeful. They bide their time in the golden chamber at the front; some till the nearby fields to provide sustenance to this make-shift civilization, but for the most part, a relaxed calm pervades the atmosphere. Truly, the dwarfs view this as a joyous occasion for celebration.

We must fix this.

They know their fate, and at first, their spirits remain as high as ever. But the winds of time slowly erodes those mountains of hope, leaving only a decaying valley where death and despair reign supreme. Conditions are cramped. These dwarfs have no space in which to mill about, leaving them only the option to crouch in agony and reflect on how a cruel tyrant revels in the despair that is now their life. The walls also shut out any light with which they can view the outside world; soon, the memory of a dwarven face fades entirely from their consciousness. Worse still, this oppressing darkness is the only life the children may ever know. They are like veal, primed for the slaughter.

Yet these miseries cannot compare to that which afflicts she who is trapped alone: Solon. Each night, she remembers that it was her who damned them to that pitiful existence which now comes to define them. This, Solon shall not soon forget, and yet still, the ghost of Olin stands forever at her side, haunting her. The ghost speaks not of Solon's sins. In fact, the ghost speaks not a word. What words could ever suffice? For you see, Olin is a permanent reminder that in time, Solon's former compatriots will shuffle off their mortal coils, fated to torment her and force her to relive those crimes for which she can never repent.

In short, she is in Hell.

Time passes...

And dwarfs start dying. One by one, they drop like flies. Ironic wording, as not even maggots would call this squalor hospitable. The fetid stench of miasma chokes the air, reminding the living of what their eyes can no longer see. Most have grown accustomed to this new life. Others, however, remember better times, and are tormented by such memories.

Let us examine the two remaining citizens of the once great Shimmeroiled. First is Solon, with whom we have already become acquainted. She decides that enough is enough: escape must happen.

But a problem arises: she has not the energy to commit to this task. All the life has been sucked out of her. Frustrated and enraged, she lashes out at the environment around her, by which I mean "she goes berserk and murders every cat trapped in there with her". I watched her chase a cat, beat it half to death, walk away, and then run back at the fucker to finish the job, and Jesus fuck I wish I was kidding.

But what of the second citizen? This one is but a child. What can I say of this child that the game does not?

But deep within him remains a sliver of hope. Although ignorant of the world around him (there's a siege happening, but nothing results of it), he wishes for escape, singing this to himself with the intention of preserving what sanity remains. This does not last, though; eventually, he buries himself beneath the corpses he has come to know as his bed, never to emerge again.

And so Shimmeroiled ends. Or at least I think it ends, until I discover a final vestige of the fort in the form of Atis. She escaped the ironic safety Shofixti had intended for the fortress, but for some reason, she cannot bring herself to leave. She roams the halls of Shimmeroiled, wondering how it could have possibly come to this. Eventually, though, she settles into the Danger Room, having learned long ago not to trust the words designated to these locations.

Shofixti is not pleased, however. His eternal rage and Cockney accent know no bounds, for even in death, he causes more suffering and pain for the dwarfs than I could ever hope to achieve. He could leave the fort and rest in peace, but instead, he decides to beat and batter Atis, perhaps to instill in her the idea that while words are not to be trusted, they all mean "danger".

And that's how the year ends. Over a hundred dwarfs now lie dead, buried within Shimmeroiled rooms none shall ever manage to penetrate. My job is done. I have destroyed what was not a threat, for none but my own petty desires. I shall now return to Senastia, relaxed and sated, to rule over my Kingdom in a responsible manner, for a change.

(Wait, what the hell is this?) There aren't any games in that banner; what the hell's going on? Well, I thought I'd try something different, for a change. Namely, I'm gonna tell you guys about a few things that, over my illustrious gaming career, I have found out about evaluating games. Now this isn't so much a step by step method on how I blog about games or anything (that might come in the very far off future, though); merely a set of rules I've stumbled across over time. That out of the way, let's get into exactly what the hell I'm talking about. Up first:

Don't form opinions about games until you've actually played them.

(Now this seems a rather obvious and inoffensive statement, but that's only because it is.) Still, I've seen gamers do this a lot, both positive ("THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING AWESOME, YOU GUYS") and negative ("THIS GAME IS GONNA FUCKING SUCK, URGH!"). Now I'd explain to you exactly why this is so important to looking at games, but I don't want to waste your time yet. So I'll let Sherlock Holmes do it, instead.

OK, we good? Now then, let us move onto the real reason I'm posting this in the first place:

A game must only be evaluated in terms of the game itself; do not drag outside factors into it.

(So what the fuck does that mean?) Well, it means what it means. I know that sounds just as confusing as before, so to alleviate this, I'll show you the problem that I have attempted to solve with this very statement:

It's the same, now it sucks.

Oh, how illogical a way to evaluate games. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at what it says through the magical power of mathematics: It's the same, so x=y. Fair enough. But now it sucks. That word "now" implies that it did not suck before, so x>y. Or x<y. It doesn't matter, because either would mean x≠x. Wouldn't that also mean we've told logic to go fuck itself?

OK, I'll admit that was a bit pretentious as all hell. Worry not, for I've equally pretentious arguments coming later slightly less head-up-my-own-ass ways of tearing apart this logic. For example, to say that a game is bad because it is unoriginal implies that being unoriginal causes it to be bad. (Remember that for later.) Now does this not imply that originality relate to goodness? Let's see if that holds up. First, let's start with individual games, since that's what I'm primarily concerned with:

Nope. No goddamn connection. Turns out a game can be good without being original, and it can be original without being good. Well, maybe it holds true for series that remain original? After all, I see people insulting game series for staying exactly the same over time, so maybe that's where it becomes valid:

Again, no such luck. If there's no correlation to speak of between quality and originality, how can we even begin to say that one causes the other?

Which leads nicely into my next argument: I've seen this "sameness is bad" argument used endlessly against Capcom's stuff, so let's start with an example from them. "God, Mega Man 6 fucking sucks; it's exactly the same as Mega Man 5." Tell me: what is this hypothetical gamer saying? "The experience of Mega Man 6 sucks; it's exactly the same as Mega Man 5." (Trust me, I have a reason for adding that clause. However, I don't want to type that out all the time, so just keep it in the back of your mind throughout all this.) So Mega Man 6 is bad specifically because it is the same as Mega Man 5? What an interesting word: because. Because because because because......Cause! That's it! This statement is saying that Mega Man 5 causes Mega Man 6 to be bad; if Mega Man 5 weren't in the picture, then, presumably, Mega Man 6 would be good. So we have a causal relationship between Mega Man 5 and Mega Man 6, meaning that Mega Man 6 is dependent on Mega Man 5. But wait, that makes no sense. Mega Man 6 doesn't need Mega Man 5 to exist; I can play Mega Man 6 on its own just fine. (Remember that "experience" thing I mentioned long ago? That's where it comes into play. I don't want any financial fuckery here.)

And that's exactly what I'm getting at: there is no causal relation between games. They are all independent of each other and should be treated as such. Again, I shall elaborate through example. If you're reading this through my background, you'll note that I'm a big fan of Persona 4. (And Katawa Shoujo, but more on that later.) I've done quite a bit of reading on it, and spoken at great length about it, and both of these have revealed to me something rather interesting: nearly everybody played Persona 3 before this. I've had a conversation go from "I'm playing Persona 4" to "What did you think about Persona 3?" (they assumed it was a given); the FAQ I'd use for the game had an entire section dedicated to changes between the games; and not only does the box art assume that I've played Persona 3, but my blog saying just that spawned a mini-discussion pretty much on just that. So we should rate Persona 4 in terms of its predecessor, right? Not so fast. You did read that box art blog, right? I think I made it clear that I have not played Persona 3. I know next to nothing about it (there are some cool battle themes and that's about it). How can I evaluate Persona 4 in terms of a game I've never played? It makes no sense. I must evaluate it in terms of Persona 4, as that is the only thing I can be sure of about Persona 4.

"You're beings selfish!", I can hear you cry through your computer screens. (You're lucky that your microphone was on, because computers don't work that way.) "You just gamed the system for this weird little experiment of yours! There's no way that this shit happens naturally." Really, now? I'll leave you with this word: Pokémon. And just like that, a slightly manlier version of Michael Jackson has tapped into a rich vein of nostalgia deep within you. You're probably remembering that time when you were seven years old and your friend told you all these rumors about a Green version of Pokémon that totally had a Pikablu in it that evolved into Mewthree or whatever your stupid rumors were. I suspect that, being a gamer of wide tastes, you have continued playing Pokémon over the years, and, because you have previously yelled at me for poor arguments, I'm going to assume that you're not liking the recent Pokémon games because they're the same as the previous ones. (I have precedent.) So the games are the same, meaning they're appealing to the same audience. You know what that means: right now, there's a seven year old playing Pokémon Black and hearing some crazy rumors about Blerdier in the super secret Japan only Pokémon Grey. Now where the fuck am I going with this?

Well, let's say you were to get into a discussion with this chi-you know what? Let's make this a super child with all the reasoning capacities of an adult, just so you can't attack him on the grounds of being a child. Manly knowledge in the body of a child. Anyway, discussion with child. You want to tell this kid how bad the new Pokémon games are. Now how the fuck do you go about doing it? Comparing them to Red and Blue? What would that achieve? The kid's fucking seven; he's not likely to have even seen a Game Boy, much less played games on it. Your argument would make about as much sense as me saying that Bastion is bad because it's a Fragile Dreams rip-off. You've never played Fragile Dreams; why the fuck should you care if it's a rip-off? In fact, if we go back to the child, do we even know what the hell he's played? Well, there's Pokémon Black, and....uh....Pokémon Wh-but that's just Black....hmmm....We only know that he has played Pokémon Black; we know nothing else about him. Therefore, we can only frame our discussion in terms of Pokémon Black. So it must be for all games.

However, I must point out that I have heard a rebuttal to this very argument: "Play some more games, you little brat!" Is that how we really wish to address the situation? Tell the child that their opinion is of no worth because of those factors completely outside it? Oh, how that reeks of ad hominem. However, I do not like the counterargument I have presented, since it reeks too much of strawman for my tastes. So let us construct a stronger attack by, yet again, identifying what is at the heart of what this person is truly saying. Now why would somebody use that reply in such a situation? Well, because they believe that if they were to play more games, their opinion would be more informed (even though they're already damn well informed enough for having played through the game in question) by comparing to its peers. You know what this means, right? The gamer in question is asserting that because other video games exist before Black and White (not that Black & White, although it doesn't really matter for what I'm trying to say), they determine the game's quality in exactly that way. Also important to this is that it doesn't matter if the gamer actually knows about these games; if such were true, then we could not use it as a counterargument. So, to sum things up about what it's saying: games exist beforehand, they determine quality as such, and our own personal knowledge holds no weight in this regard. What we have here the key to Pandora's Box, and I shall demonstrate as such....next time, because this is getting pretty long.

Jet Set Radio

(Or Jet Grind Radio for American readers.) Now before I actually say anything about the game itself (outside the sinister tone, of course), let me clarify that I'm not talking about the Dreamcast version, as should have been evident from the banner. That's too obvious. Instead, I'm going to lecture you on the oft-forgotten GBA release. Trust me, there's a good reason it was forgotten: it's a clunky, confusing shadow of what was probably a decent game on the Dreamcast. (I say "probably", as I've never played the Dreamcast version.)

That said, though, at least some of the quality that's probably in the original, maybe, still shines through this iteration. Granted, it's mostly in the story and core concept....OK, only the story and core concept, but it's still there, damn it. So what is the core concept, exactly? It's the future (I think), and the police force of Tokyo has gone to shit. They're responding to graffiti not with security cameras or anything sensible, but a goddamn military invasion. Oh, and something about demons at the end. And that's the gist of things in Jet Set Radio. I know that doesn't sound too impressive, but it all lies in the presentation. I'm not talking about the graphics (although they are at least technically impressive), but the overall atmosphere of the game. It's just how positive it is and all the style that makes the enjoyable parts enjoyable. All the vibrant colors and the music that sounds like it's cheering you on is enough to make you raise your hands and woo in triumph. Then mutter angrily as you realize you tossed your GBA three yards across the room.

But style alone does not a game make. You need more than that, and in Jet Set Radio's case, you get flow. Oh so glorious flow. Like an oddly circular river (what are those things called? I think it begins with an M?), everything in this game revolves around the flow, tagging especially. On its face: pretty lame. What? Spraying's nothing more than quick time events? Where's the fun in that? Everywhere, man. Those quick time events lead into each other all the time, making you feel hip and stylish and other 80s/90s words when you complete a pattern. And then you move onto another one, and another one, and another one. I know that sounds tedious and a little daunting, but it's the best part of the game, since you're jumping from tag to tag, avoiding the incompetent paramilitary force while the game yells "JET SET RADIO!!!". But it's not like tags are the only things the game offers. You also get some games of actual tag (awesome), unlockable characters (not awesome), and even some other things (varying in their degrees of awesome). Wow! What more could you ask for!?

A working game, for one. Unfortunately, a lot of what I said before is just in theory. Now it's time to get real. You know how I said the game thrives on the flow? That's when there's any flow at all. Most of the levels are sparse open worlds (although the sparseness might be a problem on my end), and they don't really do a lot to point you in the right direction. Sure, there might be a few tags nearby, but that's all you're getting. Want more fun time? Run around the level in the vague hopes that you're going to find a tag. You know what would help? A map that told me where they are, or at least a count telling me how many are left. Now to be fair, the game does provide both these things; it's just that they're tucked away in the pause menu. Have fun pausing every twenty seconds just so you can find another tag!

And have fun actually getting to that next tag, because the controls aren't too good, either. Not surprising, given that the game is isometric and isometric games tend to have iffy control schemes, but the problems go beyond that. First up: tank controls. Nothing else need be said. Second: turning can be really goddamn loose. So much as tap left or right, and you've already pulled a full 1260 turn. That's not a good thing when you're trying to land on a precise railing to get where you want to go. I guess that's why so much as being in the same neighborhood as a grindable surface will lock you onto it. To be fair, though, I ultimately have mixed feelings regarding that. On the one hand, trying to land exactly on one of these things wouldn't be too pleasant, for reasons I have previously described. On the other hand, there are times when you want to jump past a railing (possibly to get to an impossible-to-reach tag), and the game simply won't let you. This inevitably leads to you grinding a rail again and again in sheer frustration. Do I need to say anymore? Just stay away from this. Stick to the one people have actually heard of. Trust me: you're not missing out on anything.

Review Synopsis

• A game so positive that it couldn't possibly exist today. (At least not now.)
• If Tony Hawk had more vandalism, is what I'm saying.
• You'd think that a game that relies on its smooth pacing wouldn't fuck it all up with the level design and controls.

You know what? This ought to approximate the Jet Set Radio experience, and possibly the experience of the next game.

Castlevania: Circle of the Moon

(Why, this is a game people actually know exists!) It's been a while since I've done one of those. (Of course, by a while, I mean two weeks ago.) What game am I talking about? The one in the title, and the banner: Circle of the Moon, the GBA follow-up to Symphony of the Night. In fact, that's the best way I can possibly describe it. All I have to tell you is that this game was released early on for the GBA, and it follows Symphony of the Night, and you'll have a perfect idea of just what this game is.

But I'm still going to devote a lot of words to describing it, as is tradition. And as is tradition, I shall begin with the terrible, terrible story. I'm not kidding: the story's bad. So bad, in fact, that it was excised from Castlevania canon. Not that there's a lot to remove in the first place. Dracula's coming back to life, because his minions have been redecorating the castle and want his final say on the paint job. But the Graveseses won't be having any of that! They'll....just fuck around until the game decides it wants to have a conclusion. But until that point, the story consists mainly of Hugh Graves being a whiny goddamn bitch. That is in no way an exaggeration or misleading; every line of dialogue out of this chucklefuck is a complaint regarding Nathan being the one the master chose. I imagine he chose him because a bland, dimensionless character is a better choice for a protagonist than a petty, angsty one, but it's not like that matters; they're pretty much the only significant characters in the story. It's just these two, a few one-off characters, and Dracula, near the end, who remains the loveably smug prick he's always been. So at least Konami got that right.

You know what? Maybe I should talk about the things they did get right, like the combat...sort of. Don't get me wrong; it does some interesting stuff. The card mechanics, for instance, encourage exploring around, whacking things, getting whacked, and generally playing the game, so that's always welcome. Plus whips return, for once, and it's always fun to kill somebody with the power of rhythmic gymnastics. But here's where things take a turn for the odd: I had absolutely no interest in the combat. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it, but it's just so much more rewarding to see a hallway full of powerful enemies and jump over every last one of those fuckers. Better still when they're tightly packed and you have to react super quickly to push through. Granted, this will inevitably make you underleveled and turn forced combat (IE bosses) into a pain, but I'm fine with that. Bosses should be challenging, and while being twelve levels too low usually simply makes bosses longer, I still appreciate having to work for those nine simultaneous level-ups I get from beating Death. Somewhere, the enemy designer for this game is reading this, and he is crying.

I'd tell him not to feel bad, but most of my consolations would be in terms of the level design, and I suspect that would send him over the edge. I'm still gonna gush all over the level design, though, because I love the level design. This game knows what it needs to be a good Metroidvania: a loose collection of power-ups and a huge map to jump around. Yes, you're gonna feel like an OCD maniac, discovering the wall jump and immediately going to whichever parts of the map are only half-filled in, even though they're miles apart. But you know what? That's what's so fun about the game: discovering things for yourself and carving out your own path in Dracula's castle. I'd say it helps that there's a decent variety of areas to explore, but I'm none too thrilled about that aspect. Several of the areas simply aren't that fun, like that waterway filled with blood (trust me, it's not a particularly great area) or that place with all the stupid block puzzles. Still, I'd recommend this game, if you have some time to kill on a bus or something and don't have a PSP available.

Review Synopsis

• A bland protagonist searching for his whiny brother? Sign me the fuck up!
• Actually, do sign me the fuck up, because I'm a fan of ignoring the hell out of the combat...
• ...especially when that means I can plunder the depths of Castlevania.

(Hint: it's me.) Yes, it was upon this glorious day in 1637 that I was born. Of course, this means that I am turning 375 years old. Let us celebrate this glorious occasion! How, exactly? Well, earlier this month, @Gamer_152 decided to give out presents on his birthday, so let's do the opposite of that. Or maybe I'll indulge in Earth tradition and stuff my face with cake. Whichever is more entertaining, I guess. Anyway, let the festivities begin!

(With Persona 2: Innocent Sin screenshots.) I know that doesn't sound blog-worthy, but let me impress upon you the scale of the task I imposed upon myself: I uploaded, captioned, and uploaded to the wiki 355 individual screenshots of this game. But don't expect any fancy image analyses just yet. I'm saving that for my blog on the matter, which I'll post a couple of months from now. (All my blogs are put on delay for the purposes of editing out any potential nipple slips.) Speaking of which, obviously, this has meant that I had no real time to write anything in the actual blog. Well, nothing relating to those damned images.

Which brings me to the wiki, somehow. Without writing a damn word, I was able to accrue 1068 points on the page. Again perspective is needed: this is more points than the Tear Ring Saga page I actually wrote for. (I'm not done with that page, though. It still needs a lot of work.) All those images were enough to knock Katawa Shoujo off my top wiki edits deck. (And while I'm talking about the page, anybody mind cleaning up the galleries? There are a couple of Eternal Punishment images floating about there.) Ho.....I do.....how is t.....

Don't consider this a bitter rant or anything, though. Simply think of it as me venting my abject shock at the previously documented revelation.

(All of this would have been a status update if I actually had the room for it. But alas, it must languish here, as a blog I'm not giving a banner, posting to the forums, or attaching to a wiki page.)

Tear Ring Saga

(Let's not dance around the subject: this is Fire Emblem through and through.) It rips the gameplay of Fire Emblem, the story of Fire Emblem, the characters of Fire Emblem, the horse clopping sound effects from Fire Emblem, the concept art from Fire Emblem, the text boxes from....that crappy Mystic Ark sequel for the PS1? And ability names from The Legend of Dragoon? And the company that made it was named after an obscure castle in Fire Emblem 4!? And it rips multiplayer from SHADOW DRAGON!? H....how? Oh, right: I remember now: Tear Ring Saga is fucking crazy and will probably cut you.

Odd, given that the story, for the most part, is pretty standard fare and could stand for some improvement. After an intro that establishes why this game needed a fan translation, we get...kind of the same thing. There's a dark god, a hero kills him, and he establishes a bunch of kingdoms and tells them to play nice. Of course, they do no such thing, dragging naive noble Leaf Runan into a continental conflict. What follows is enough politics to make Hideo Kojima's head spin, along with a dark view of mankind. People being burned on the stake, nobles abusing their power constantly, fourteen year old girls being considered adult women. It's almost as though anybody outside your party is an asshole, and half your army is composed of them....and that's what I like about it so damn much.

But still, there's a lot of politics to it, and I mean a lot. Don't get me wrong; it is interesting to see how the various political games play out over the course of the game, especially when it all comes to a head near the end of the game, but it is a lot to take in. Hell, that's probably why I never bothered writing a good story section for the wiki: because there's just sooo much to keep track of, especially in Runan's side of the story. It doesn't help that the dialogue is expository as hell.....OK, it does help, but you know what I mean. I don't like it. It doesn't at all sound natural, especially since the characters should probably know the things they're being told. Imagine if I gave you a list of facts about the story and told you to explain them to somebody unfamiliar with the game (IE anybody). Your dialogue would match up very well with what's in the game. I'd say that the game doesn't know how to tell a story, but then you have some reasonably detailed map choreography (SPOILERS), detailed battle choreography, and shit like this. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, TEAR RING SAGA!

Or maybe I should make up my mind, because I'm about to tell you how much I love the characters in this game. (I should rename this to Schizophrenia: The Blog.) I'd say that all the characters in this game have great backstories and development and feel like actual people, but I remember a few of them getting snubbed, so I'll only say that most of them are great. You have the bros (both types) Mintz and Hagaru, the lackadaisical Vega, the guy who betrays you because his people were persecuted a bunch Zeek, Julia feeling tortured about all the killing she's done....Christ, this game is a fucking bummer. Waiting around every corner is an opportunity to bum you out. For instance, chapter 14. In this chapter, we learn that Plum's mother was a dancer, the medieval equivalent of a stripper. How do I know this? Because I sold her into slavery and discovered the boob bounce in this game. On a teenager. Being forced to dance against her will. So yea, this game can get dark like that a lot. Fortunately, though, the game manages to find a balance between humor and tragedy, and that balance has a name: Holmes.

It's gotta be Holmes. Allow me to explain. In this game, we have two protagonists. The first is Runan, who, for the most part, is your typical Fire Emblem lord. He's a young noble, idealistic yet disconnected from the world (which explains Mr. Expository Eugen's prominence), and he becomes an asshole near the end for no real reason. I mean it: there's one (extremely poorly translated) cutscene where he remembers...something (all I got was this), and out of nowhere, he becomes a sullen, angsty asshole. But anyway, Holmes. About a quarter of the way through the game, for the purposes of making the game a more robust Sacred Stones, he shows up as another protagonist. Another, asshole-y protagonist. Not that I have a problem with that; in fact, it's what I love about Holmes. He's foul-mouthed, completely cynical, hard to get along with, and spends his spare time lightheartedly abusing his kinda-lover Katri. Given that he's in a game with more social interaction than you typical Persona game, this lends itself well to a lot of entertaining scenarios. I'd list some of them, but a lot of them would be the same, since they're mostly battle situations of him utterly dominating. He's such a great character that I once thought his stats capped. I WAS WRONG.

Which brings me to the actual game. Or, rather, the characters in the game (again), who are....a bit of a conundrum. Here's the thing: from what I can tell, their growths (their chances of stat improvement upon leveling) suck ass. I can't tell you how many times I got a level-up that was blank. Despite this, though, everybody's a fucking powerhouse. I don't know how, but I had so many fantastic units. A lot of them could strip naked and take an entire army with their bare fists, knowing that they'd get, like, five critical hits in a row, two of them restoring their HP in the process. So this game should be stupidly easy, right? Here's the thing, though: IT FUCKING ISN'T. Yes, there are some chapters that you can blow through in two minutes (like chapter 15...except not like that), but then others can be balls hard. The last few chapters love to fuck with you, generally by crippling your party immensely. Have you been relying on Vega and Julia the whole time because they can hit dudes nine times in a row? Well, let's Nihil those abilities out of existence, turning this into a pure battle of the stats. Have some awesome Mounties? (It's Tear Ring Saga. I wouldn't be surprised if this all took place in Canada.) Well, the final few chapters are mostly indoors, and horses aren't allowed to mess up the rug, so prepare to throw out and any all advantages those units once had. It does a lot to keep you on your toes and forces you to be really goddamn careful about the strategy in this game.

And that's what I love so goddamn much about Tear Ring Saga: it's Fire Emblem on peyote. Character recruitment can fuck with you immensely, like when you have to kill somebody to recruit a witch. Keep in mind that the victim in question is your most powerful unit at the time, so it amounts to the game taunting you to defy all logic, like it does. An awesome archer who can't kill for shit! A sexy nun as a playable class! Weapons with 100 uses that jack your critical rate into the thousands! Mountie skills on non-Mounties! A staff that lets you save mid-battle (think about that from a story perspective)! Goddamn tanks! Oh, and this is how the game ends. Do you need more reason to go out and play this game?

You do? Christ, you're hard to impress. Let's see....I've already talked about the characters and the stuff it knows to steal from Fire Emblem. How about the spectacle? Yea, let's go with that, because this game looks amazing. There's just so much detail packed into those sprites, and some of the battle animations can be pretty damn elaborate. This is especially true of the various spells in the game, which tend to go all-out when given the opportunity. For instance, there's at least one spell that's just a huge picture of doves and shit killing your foe. But you don't care; you're just going to soak in everything the game's offering you. That includes the music, which is....OK, it isn't as good as the graphics, but it's still pretty good. Triumphant, varied, fun; these are all words I could have used to describe this game if I was a better writer. Instead, I'll merely add that in keeping consistent with the theme of crazy, there's a song in this game that pumps up the bass. You know, because that's an instrument people had in medieval times. It's hard to think of a single thing I don't like about this game.

Although, if I were to insult the game (not counting the third paragraph, I guess), I'd probably go straight for the mechanics, which, let's face facts here, are all kinds of janky. Take, for example, the maps. On the one hand, you can place flags on the map, which actually adds a lot to the whole strategizing aspect of this strategy-RPG. Unfortunately, there to yank away said benefit is the inability to see where your units are going to start off on the map. Sure, you can influence where they start, but in order to do that, you have to start the chapter, check if you like where everybody is, remember their positions if you don't, restart the game, and switch fuckers around until you get what you want. It shouldn't be this way, especially when your army is split up as often as it is. Oh, and some other strange stuff, like different level caps for every character and turns not ending after you've moved every last person and occasionally sticky controls, but it's mostly the map stuff.

Oh, and the translation. I know I can't actually use it in determining the game's quality, yet obviously, something like this still warrants discussion. Simply put: wait for the patch. Yes, there's a full(ish) translation floating about right now (along with a partial one on GameFAQs), but you're going to have to jump through waay too many hoops for it to be worth the effort, especially when you consider the quality of the translation. Now I'm not calling it bad; like the game it's based on, the translation is all over the goddamn place. Some of it can be professional quality, while other parts can be really bad. Google Translate bad. I'm not even joking; I legitimately believe that some of this was translated through Google (even though the translators were told specifically against that). Hell, there's even an instance where somebody's called Julius-sama. Because when I think "vaguely European medieval political war scenario", high-ranking weeaboos immediately come to my imagination. So if you're gonna play Tear Ring Saga (fucking should), just wait until somebody announces a complete translation of some type.

Review Synopsis

• Come for the promise of a Fire Emblem story; stay for the characters (or because Holmes will call you a goddamn pussy if you don't).
• And possibly because this is the type of game that thrives on making logic cry.
• If that's not enough, the game generally looks amazing.

But wait, there's more! Because I played this game for so long, I took a lot of pictures. And I mean a lot; in fact, they add up to....137!? I think that's the third most I've ever uploaded to the site, just narrowly beating out Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure. And unlike Rhapsody, I'm going to break down my obsessive-compulsive tendencies for your amusement!

• I captured 88 screenshots of the dialogue alone. You know what that means, right? 64% of my screenshots WERE NOT DEDICATED TO THE ACTUAL GAMEPLAY. Keep in mind that this is a Japanese game with a translation most people aren't going to read like I did (IE without sanity), so I'm not sure what I was thinking throughout this experience. Oh, wait: yes I do!
• Of those 88 screenshots, 21 of them were of the strange translation choices I came across. Look, you can't just come across a phrase like "untouchable holiness" and not capture this strangeness for future generations, and you certainly can't blow past somebody like Demonic Geezer. Actually, that reminds me that 9 of those screenshots were also of the strange proto-names that the translators gave to unnamed NPCs (and NPCs whose names they could never be bothered to look up). My only regret in that regard is not taking a picture of Hagar with a Bib.
• I'd like to talk about the battle pictures I took (really, I would), but there are a few other categories I must take care of before that. Namely, the twelve of all the neat map things it does for the story (including a Sailor Moon reference), the six of just general gameplay, like the deadly power of overzealous anime fans, and the six screenshots I really couldn't fit into any other category. You know, like battles.
• Speaking of battles, the battle pics, of which there are 26. A pithy 19%. But how does this 19% break down? Well, four of them defy categorization, seven of them are simply of the more awesome monsters you get to fight in the game, like the deathticles or the final boss, and five of them are of the awesome spells in this game. Hey, here's one! But what could be more awesome than that?
• How about some goddamn insane criticals (and other insanely high damage outputs)? I managed to capture ten of them, although that's not the most I could. There were others; I just thought you'd get the point by now. But in case you haven't, yet, I decided to record the critical rates in question. One of them was 97%; three of them were 100%, and two of those feature Vega staring at them utterly bored, as if this type of thing doesn't freak him out. It probably helps that I gave him a weapon that jacked said critical rates straight to Eris.
• Finally, Holmes, the most awesome of characters in the game. Turns out I gave him 25 screenshots, featuring such gems as the Holmes Rap and that time I thought his stats capped. Holmes, you truly are a great character, even if you are a total asshole.

Oh, and I uploaded four videos, one of which would have been better served as a screenshot. And that's Tear Ring Saga, ladies and gents.

You know what? This might as well be the ending to Tear Ring Saga.

Advance Wars

(And rounding out this kind-of retrospective is Advance Wars.) What? Did you expect something else? Berwick Saga's not even close to being considered for translation, and playing the Satellaview Fire Emblems is a fairly bad idea. So why Advance Wars in particular? Well, because it's the game (series) that eventually led to Fire Emblem. While it isn't obvious just by looking at it, the strategic spirit of Fire Emblem is certainly present, and that's enough for me.

So how did it take me this long to get around to Advance Wars? I mean, it's Fire Emblem's older brother, for fuck sake. Fire Emblem's far more neglected older brother. And that's not even considering how bad Fire Emblem gets it. I'm talking "cigarette burns" bad. Meanwhile, ol' daddy Nintendo's throwing beer bottles at that overachieving smartass of a son Mario, and poor Metroid has to get naked in front of strangers to earn cash nowadays....What the hell was I talking about? I think it was the story? If you think this is something Advance Wars shares with Fire Emblem, I laugh in your stupid goddamn face. It's simply a few sixteen year olds leading a military campaign for incredibly vague reasons. Along the way, they'll encounter a man who thinks Seinfeld music is a form of punctuation, a fucking Norse god, and Psycho Mantis making robots or some shit. Do you sense a theme developing? I do: war is fun. Oddly enough, it doesn't bother me a damn bit. It's so utterly disconnected from anything realistic that it more resembles a lighthearted sitcom than a Ted Nugent song in game form. (Odd wording, given the intro to this game.)

There's a very good reason for this type of atmosphere: the actual game is all kinds of daunting. Not difficult (more on that in a bit), but complicated. "How complicated can it be", the voices in my head ask me. "You move your guys, they move theirs; what more is there to it?" Well, ammo and gas. Each unit has different ammo and gas limits (and consumption rates), so that's gonna require some occasional supplying. But be careful not to place your APC too near your guys, because it's definitely in danger, maybe. Each unit can only fire on certain other units, but you can never remember who hits what. And don't forget about that offensive advantage! Or joining your units when they get too beat up! Or what effects your current CO gives your troops! Do you see what I'm getting at? I'm not saying that this is the X-COM of video games; I'm just saying that it's a lot to take in. It's a lot to keep track of, but it's all absolutely necessary to become victorious in the heat of combat.

Unless you decide to spend all your turns spamming the shiniest unit in the menu. Because you can totally do that, if you want. That's sort of the one major flaw I found with this game: how easy you can make the game. Why bother thinking up a winning strategy when you can summon tanks and infantry out the wazoo as part of your "salt the Earth" strategy? I'll tell you why: because the game's not at all fun like that. You're gonna waste, like, two years trying to destroy all the enemy units like that, too many of your asses will be kicked, and your sexy CO adviser's certain to chew you out for your idiocy. So what the hell do you do? Go with clever solutions, of course! I'm talking about baiting that bomber into your anti-air arsenal, or falling behind enemy lines so you can conquer their pitifully defended base, guaranteeing victory in two turns. That type of clever manipulation of numbers that makes you feel like Ares, God of War...that's what makes this game worthwhile. Oh, and the variety of game modes and maps and such (not counting the mid-game love affair with fog of war, of course). But mostly the strategy god feeling.

Review Synopsis

• Oh, that Kanbei! *fade to commercial*
• And we're back, to....what is all this? WHAT IS ALL THIS!?
• Wait, I know what it is: satisfying, if spammy.

Zen Puzzle Garden

(And so goes yet another game in the Humble Indie Bundle.) Unfortunately, this isn't exactly an interesting Humble Indie Bundle game to blog about. I'm not calling Zen Puzzle Garden bad; in fact, it's good. And that's the problem: it comes up with an idea, executes it, and then does absolutely nothing else. That leaves me with only two words: it's good.

Alright, here's the basic premise: you're a monk in charge of raking a garden. Unfortunately, you're the type of OC SOB who won't cross the same path twice (unless you're fucking about in freeform mode), and that's pretty much how the gameplay goes down. OK, so there are also lamps you can move and leaves you can pick up (in order of color, because this is the type of monk who has to make sure his lines are perfectly straight or else his day is completely ruined), but that doesn't really change the core gameplay. Not that I'm complaining; the puzzles can be pretty clever and challenging, and there's a decent variety of modes and levels. And that's it. That's all there is to this game.

Review Synopsis

• Do I really need one?

Nazo no Murasamejou

(How about an actual blog, for a change?) I'll make up for that last part later. Anyway, Nazo no Murasamejou, also known as "Mysterious Murasame Castle", also known as "A Nintendo Game You've Never Heard Of". I know that you're wondering how that's possible, since people tend to know of even their most obscure franchises, but this happens more often than you think. Ever hear of Devil World? How about For the Frog the Bell Tolls?

Yea, there are tons of them like that, and while I can't explain them all (it's been a while since For the Frog the Bell Tolls, and I've yet to touch Devil World), this game has a clear reason for remaining as obscure as it is: it's a decent game, but not terribly outstanding. You'll play bit of it, think "that's pretty cool", and then move on with your life, this game having no impact on that life whatsoever. It's like the Zen Puzzle Garden I can actually form a meaningful opinion about.

Although to be fair, it does put a lot of work into its story, something that most games didn't even have when it was released. OK, so at first, it looks like your typical "save the princess....multiple times" ordeal, but it's the little details that really propel this game to greatness. For example, one of your enemies is an exploding ninja, meaning it has to take place somewhere during the Warring States Period of Japanese history. In fact, there's a real argument to be made here that this is just one samurai's desperate attempts to remain relevant in a world changing right before his v-Oh, who am I kidding? This game makes absolutely no sense. Princesses turn into demons, the ending is a wiggly Ode to Joy, and sometimes, you pass through mountains for no real reaosn. Although that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's got that "I'm a game and I don't give a shit" feeling that pretty much every game back then had, and that's what I love about this game.

Oh, and I guess I like the gameplay. Or, to be more specific, the combat. What do I like so much about it?....I don't know. It can't be the power-ups, because while there is some strategy to them, like "use the spread on those shielding asshole bosses", there aren't a lot of them there. Just shurikens, fire, and about four ways to configure the two. Oh, and invisibility and lightning, but those don't come up often enough to have an impact on the game. No, what I like about the game is everything you can kill. Samurai who stand and wait for you to run into their sword; ninjas hiding in every damn pixel imagineable; hell, even some kind of cool bosses near the end of the game. So what if the levels are just banal dungeon crawls or the game is five(ish) levels long? It takes a basic idea and fleshes it out for some frantic and decently challenging action, and that's enough to satisfy me. Like Zen Puzzle Garden. For a bit. Then I move onto the next part of this blog and on with my life. Again, like Zen Puzzle Garden.

Review Synopsis

• It's an early NES game, meaning it's flamboyantly game...
• ...and it's a nice little diversion you won't remember the next day.
• Still, I wish Nintendo would reboot this as a Devil-May-Cry-esque character action game, or perhaps even a Binding-of-Isaac-esque dungeon crawler.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: Russian cartoons are fucking weird.

Elebits

(And rounding out this blog is some Elebits.) Why? I was feeling nostalgic, and while normally I am quite capable of ignoring these urges, this time, it was too much to bear. I had to take Xenoblade Chronicles out of my Wii for less than a week so I could play an almost-launch title for the Wii. Not that I'm complaining about it or anything. Elebits is damn cool. Imagine if Valve contracted Keita Takahashi to design Portal for arcades. Aw hell yea.

And I can guarantee you that you'll be using these words to describe the game, too. How do I know this? Well, here's the premise: parental neglect, a world fueled by alien lightning creatures, and a kid taking his father's weapon so that he might conquer the very elements themselves. It's amazing to think that in its earliest days, the Wii would feature a game that could easily double as either Norse legend or a heavy metal album...probably because it didn't. That description before? Selective. Yes, those elements are there, but they're played far more lightly than how I depicted them. Specifically, they're a bedtime story being narrated to a whiny little girl (?), and sadly, that's the best thing I have to say about the voice acting in this game. The protagonist is supposed to be a boy (even when I originally played it, this caught me extremely off guard), the father sounds less like an actor and more like a reading, and...no, that's pretty much the entirety of it.. Fortunately, they art's so good enough to make up for it. Not the graphics, which are merely serviceable, but the art. Holy shit, is it vivid. This game uses colors that I didn't know existed, like greem or fleven. That's more than enough to make me forget the "just enough of a Y chromosome to be a" boy.

But not enough to forget the Wii aspects of this Wii game. Remember what I said about this coming out near the birth of the Wii? Well, it shows. You see, back then, every goddamn Wii game had to have motion controls NO MATTER WHAT. Some of the time, it made sense, like here. It's mostly limited to pointing at the screen and zapping Elebits (more on that in a bit), but there is some manipulation of objects to be found. It starts off intuitive enough, like throwing something on the X axis or the Y axis or the...Z? There's a Z axis? Why? From what I can tell, it feels really goddamn awkward and never works, so you default to the other two axes, anyway. Still, it's better than twisting. For an action you have to do an oddly high amount of times, it sure is awkward as hell. See that doorknob? Grab it, twist it, and watch your cursor fly to parts unknown, scared of the arcane upside-down world you cast it into. Then you have to coax it back into the game with that handy little home button that completely removes you from the experience. I wouldn't complain about it so much if it didn't come up so often. Just...damn it.

So what the hell do I like about this game, exactly? Wasn't I positive about it before? What makes me like this game so much? How about everything else, motherfucker?! The basic premise of the game is that you're supposed to collect a certain number of electricity creatures. Here's the thing, though: they can detect your utter hatred of them, and they'll promptly hide from you if given the opportunity. (Black Elebits don't count because fuck them and their deadly love hugs.) This means you get to overturn every goddamn thing in sight. I repeat: aw hell yea. It's chaos incarnate, and what could be more fun than chaos? Double chaos. You see, not only are there Elebits that allow you to lift more powerful stuff, like that house from before, but there are power-ups that give you the powers of the gods themselves. Lift whales and cause tornadoes. Who's going to stop you? What? The game is? With its Super Black/Blue Death Elebits, and its arbitrary sound and insurance limits? Fuck that, Konami! I don't care about your Metal Gears! I can throw your Metal Gears halfway across the goddamn planet! I AM AN UNSTOPPABLE DEITY!!!

Wait. I ran out of Elebits to zap up. That's gotta suck. Unfortunately, it happens a lot more often than you think, and it's exactly as unfun as I make it out to be. You're forced to turn over every goddamn thing looking for the next Elebit, and while that sounds exactly the same as before, trust me: it's not as fun when you've captured every other Elebit in the level. It's also not as fun when you realize you've made a huge mess of things because that's what makes the game so fun. The game's tendency to block off areas until you've found X Elebits only frustrates the issue. WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME FOR HAVING FUN, ELEBITS!? I realize that the game has to deliver challenge in some form, but I would have preferred that they didn't sacrifice pacing to achieve that noble goal.

That aside, Elebits is simply a solidly built game with a lot of meat to it. For example, remember how I mentioned power-ups earlier? Turns out there's more to them than simply lifting shit. Granted, a lot of it is contextual, so the only ones you're guaranteed to use throughout are the homing laser, super strength, and, if it ever comes up, the super death vacuum. What's more fun than lifting a house? Vacuuming it up in anti-gravity. Oh, did I forget to mention the anti-gravity parts of the game? I did? How? They're really fucking awesome, you guys. No more worrying about finding that last damn Elebit; you just get to toss shit around and make a mess of everything. And then you get to fight a boss that restores gravity to the world. Does it make sense? No. Do I love it? Yes.....Actually, that could describe all the boss battles in this game, final boss and his fucking screws notwithstanding. To make up for that, I guess, are all the extra modes and unlockables? There are soooo many of them. In fact, I'm not going to list them, since that would constitute another blog entirely. Instead, I'll just demand that you dust off your Wii and shove this in it.

Review Synopsis

• All these colors! All these lightning creatures! All these listless voice actors!
• Such magnificent power! You're all nothing more than fleas compared to me now!
• Oh, and a bunch of ultimately minor fuck-ups that don't do a lot to diminish the overall product, or something to that effect.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

(I need manly games!)NNGGGHHHH!!!!.....Perhaps I should explain. Last week, I covered two exceedingly girly games, so to balance it out, I've decided to jump into the realm of meat and testosterone. So what does that entail? Blacks Ops? Oh fuck, you guys. Just....fuck. I'm not ready to revisit Neon Genesis Evangelion. I need more time between games that focus more on spectacle than the actual game.

Wait, what am I saying? These games are completely different; Neon Genesis Evangelion is a dumb anime, and Black Ops is a dumb action movie. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that; previous Call of Duty games rock that feel well (or at least they rock that feel), and to be fair, Black Ops hits some cool moments, too. In a world where everything is one bullet away from an explosion, Alex Mason jumps all across the world, being an all around warrior badass in Cuba, Russia, Vietnam, and other 1960s places. Sometimes, deep voices shout at him about numbers, but who gives a shit about that? You're here for the goddamn action. All the bitchin' shootouts and adrenaline and fucking 'murica, man! If you're into explosions masquerading as a story, you'll just eat this shit up.

Of course, I'm not too hot on dumb action movies, so the only reason I ate this up was so I could vomit all over it. That's the level of intelligence this game leaves you with. Why? Well, first of all, I already told you: I'm not into dumb action movies. Pay attention. Anyway, this game can be really stupid when it wants to be. Slow motion for no reason, prisoners shouting an oddly specific chat during their break, villains who think that gassing puppies is morally subtle, etc. True, these are balanced out by some legitimately cool moments, like when you finally break free of those voices and weirdness ensues or the level(s(ish)) immediately before it, but it just isn't enough. Second, it can be just plain psychotic in areas for no real reason. Now I'm not going to say we should stop shooting people in these games; I'm just saying that they should remain generic, nondescript baddies instead of actual people. There are some moments where you can literally see the pain and fear in a person's face as you stab them mercilessly. Hell, one of the levels has you walking up behind a guy and slitting this throat. What was he doing to deserve this? Eating rice. That's it. He's not gonna shoot you or stab you or warn his sleeping buddies (although that last one's because you slit their throats two seconds earlier); he's just enjoying a nice meal. That's not fun; that's fucking mentally imbalanced.

Third, because it interferes with the game. How, exactly? Well, the levels are all straight lines with occasional bouts of shooting. See an alternate path? Fuck you for deviating from our vision; now get back on that trail and enjoying the 'murica. Although to be fair, that's not exactly the worst part of the game. I can deal with linear levels as long as there's enough shooting. Hell, that's why I hated that My Little Pony game so damn much. Unfortunately, this is where Black Ops tends to stumble a bit: it's more concerned with the action than...well, the action. Only, like, 40% of the game is actually shooting guys; the rest is just shitty action movie fluff and story for its own sake. Perfect example: there's a vehicle section pretty early on, and while most of the vehicle sections are actually fun to play through, this one isn't in the slightest. I imagine some of that is because you're not playing through it. You have no control over it at all. Sure, the game will prompt you to press the triggers a couple of times, but I suspect that's just to check if you're still playing this thing. Yes, driving through the streets of Cuba sounds like fun, but I imagine it would be much more enjoyable if I was actually doing it. Just....fuck.

Sad, too, because for the most part, the underlying mechanics for Black Ops are actually pretty solid. For example, your default guns are always good enough, so there's no real reason to switch out weapons ever....Wait, that's the opposite of solid. What I meant to say is that the action in this game is really well pulled off. Whenever you do get into a firefight, expect it to be a confusing clusterfuck where you have no idea what's going on. That might sound negative, but keep in mind that those words also perfectly describe an orgy, and would you turn down an orgy?...Exactly. In fact, the only difference between this and an orgy is the amount of death present. (First person to correct me gets arrested.) Yes, you're going to die quite a bit, and a lot of it is because you can't tell what's going on, but I'm not bitter about that. Instead, I'm bitter that the rest of the game wasn't like this. Why would you end on something that awesome?.....Uh.....There's still the next part, you guys....

Review Synopsis

• Great action movie.
• Not so great game.
• Just play it for the multiplayer.

What's manlier than a dragon bear?......Seriously, I'm asking you: what's manlier than a dragon bear?

Cho Aniki

(C'mon.) You knew there was only one option for this. Can you name a game manlier than a Cho Aniki game? Stroker doesn't count, because that game only has one rock hard cock. However, as I've previously exhausted the series, I had no choice but to go back to the beginning, when things were less gay and more generally insane. But also still super gay.

I'd say that this much is evident from the scenario, but who am I fooling: gay craziness (hereby referred to as "gayziness") is this game's scenario. It all begins when the gods break two angry musclemen out of prison. (Also, I guess a woman, but you'll never play as her; the sexual delight will be too much for either of you to handle.) Then....uh...happens. I can't really describe anything in this game. How would you describe this? I'd like to call the whole thing a gross violation of the barriers between man and machine, but that sounds like the game is trying to make a point. It isn't. Not everything can be a boner joke, you guys. Sometimes, you just gotta have fun in the confusion. The music certainly knows that. It knows that better than anybody else. Hell, I just heard it say "sexy dynamite" just because. Do you know of any better ways to describe Cho Aniki? This music is what happens when you throw nine different kinds of drugs into a bowl and jam your face into the mess, personal health be damned.

However, strip away the scenario, and you're left with nothing but a none-too-glamorous shooter. First off, you only get one set of power-ups throughout the entire game. Sure, that picture from before alludes to options, but from what I can tell, they don't really do anything. So you're left with one set of power-ups: a scattershot weapon that makes the game harder until your shots become the size of basketballs. Then nothing can stand in the way of your love! Not even the bosses! Just park your well toned ass in a random spot and release to your heart's content! Wait, that's nto exciting. Why am I using so many exclamation marks? That shit sounds boring! And it's not like there's much to the game outside those complaints; the levels have a tendency of sticking to one idea and driving it into the ground, and it's not a terribly long or meaty game. Actually, now that I think about it, that's all this game has: the meat. You know what? Step away from this computer, take a bunch of freaky drugs, and visit your local gym. I guarantee you it will be the exact same experience as Cho Aniki.

Review Synopsis

• It's Cho Aniki. Do I have to tell you that it's specifically made to offend vegans?
• I do, however, have to tell you that underneath all that meat, there's a sorely lacking shooter.

Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure

(Didn't I do this already?) I remember now: long ago, when I was but a naive fool, I covered Mary Kate, Ashley, and My Little Ponies. And now, here I am again, playing a game that is perhaps just as girly as Tra La La. There is, however, one key difference here: I didn't know that this game would be this girly. Yea, the title indicates some obvious musical themes, but that ha-Wait, there are actually two differences: the first one, and the fact that this is a legitimately good game. None of that irony here.

Hell, there's even a decent story...sort of. We find ourselves in a world where one person can talk to puppets and command them to do her bidding, something that isn't explained until the last ten minutes. Her name is Cornet, and of course, we play as her throughout the whole game. Doing what, exactly? At first, it's trying to win the heart of a prince (did I mention how girly this game is?), but before the poor schmuck can get any real characterization, he's turned to stone. Now it's up to you to find the five whatever stones and who gives a shit? That's really all the plot you get, and it's not particularly good. So why did I call it a good story? The personality, for one. It's not really afraid to poke fun at itself for a good laugh every now and then. For instance, early in the game, Obligatory Assistance Fairy Kururu advises Cornet to dress up like a furry if she wants to win her Prince's heart. The funny part? IT TOTALLY FUCKING WORKS. Now imagine a game where that's happening every five minutes. OK, that sounds overwhelming, but trust me: it's damn cool. Throw in some idiotic characters (just...this), some memorable moments, and expressive enough artwork, and I'm more than willing to overlook the fact that this is Wand of Gamelon: The Musical.

Oh, right: I've demonstrated how this is an adventure, but what about the musical part? (I feel this will also cover the Rhapsody part, and I've certainly addressed the "a".) It's....pretty bad. Don't get me wrong; I love the idea of a video game musical, and I wish that more games did it than this and PaRappa the Rapper. However, I also wish that there were more games that did it well. Why does this game fall so flat (and does that count as a pun)? First, the songs are only relevant to the plot, like, half the time. The rest of the time, they just come out of nowhere. Like here, where a mountain man decides to sing about being a mountain man (in three voices at once, somehow) because...it's been 45 minutes since the last song, I guess.

Complaint number two: a lot of the songs aren't really that good. OK, I guess if you get a boner watching Sleeping Beauty, there might be somet-I can't finish that sentence with a straight face, and it's not because of the first part. It's more because the songs aren't really that good. They're the most saccharine things you'll ever encounter, and most of the rhyme schemes read like the first entry in a rhyming dictionary. Just look at this. This is the first lyric to the first song you hear in the game. THAT IS HOW IT DECIDES TO INTRODUCE ITSELF. Although that does remind me that not all the songs in the game are bad. For example, immediately following that song is one that adds some depth to a character who would otherwise be a total bitch. (it doesn't help that she is a total bitch.) Then there's this song, which is actually pretty touching and something I might actually listen to outside the context of this game. Or at least I would if the song didn't cut off at the end.

Damn it. This is going downhill fast. I have to think of something I liked about this game.....Gameplay! Four paragraphs in seems like a good enough time to mention it. It's an isometric strategy RPG with more emphasis on the RPG part than the strategy, and with light isometry pepperings throughout. Here's how it works: you get in a random encounter, move your characters into place, and whack enemies until they die. Also, deadly pancakes. I'd comment on how little strategy this system offers, but let's put that off for a bit, because I want to compliment the game for a change. Namely, the battle system is fun enough and it has party members pouring from every orifice. True, you can blast through the game with a single party, but there's enough variation in abilities to experiment around every once in a while.

Too bad there's not much motivation to do so, what with the game being as easy as it is. Now here's the strange thing: the game sort of understands how difficulty is supposed to work. The enemies do take longer to beat with each encounter, so it seems like there's a difficulty curve to be found here. The problem is that you're always ahead of it. I think this screenshot explains it well enough. But let's assume that, for whatever reason, that isn't true. Maybe you're using underleveled puppets. In this case, the game's still incredibly easy. Will the enemies attack the weak puppets, which would be a good idea? Hell no! They're gonna go after Cornet, transforming her from mere support role to an unstoppable death machine. Then the game ends, because it takes longer to sleep than it does to finish this game. But like sleeping, it's a perfectly acceptable waste of time, even if it is filled with too many songs, bouncing boobs, and frogs in assless chaps. What? Your dreams aren't like that? Weirdo.

Review Synopsis

• All I have to tell you is that Nippon Ichi made a Disney movie. That will give you the perfect idea of what the story is like.
• As for the actual game, imagine the original Dragon Warrior Monsters with the combat of Tactics Ogre.
• And a level of difficulty that makes it perfect for little girls. However, I need girlier games, though. GIRLIER GAMES!!!

Hey, you know what else is Japanese and tailor made for girls? Probably not this:

Mary-Kate & Ashley: Girl's Night Out Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses

(Let it be known that I tried to get through another Mary Kate & Ashley game.) I really did, but the game got fed up with me before I got fed up with it (IE it froze on me after level 11). So now I come to you with the gaming equivalent of sloppy seconds: Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses. Now I'm not calling the game bad; I'm simply calling it boring, nondescript and blasé.

Much like the paragraph where I describe the game's set-up. Can you blame me, though? It's a Barbie game. If you're expecting this game to set your world view ablaze, then you probably don't understand any of the words in front of you. Unwanted fuck up. Anyway, the story: king has twelve daughters (and mother presumably dies from her stomach bursting open like that scene in Alien), is pissed that they're not feminine enough, hires his sister to make them girlier, middle middle middle, she kidnaps eleven of the kids and plans to poison the king. Now it's up to Barbie (except she's not Barbie, but still is Barbie, I guess) to rescue her sisters from...what are they in danger of? I mean, whenever you find them, they're just standing there, clearly safe from the nothing that so sorely wants them dead. Or girly. I forget, mainly because the plot isn't exactly memorable or necessary in the first place.

Neither is the actual game, but at least it's competent. The graphics are technically good, and there's nothing outright offensive about the gameplay. (Put that on the back of the box.) It's a simple platformer where you jump through levels and...no, that's pretty much it. I know that sounds really boring, and while it is soul crushingly mundane, it's the power-ups that save this game from being outright awful. Not counting your monkey murdering pussy, rescuing your sisters nets you some magical shoes that summon things like stilts, deadly butterfly nets, not-deadly croquet mallets, and so much more. I know it makes absolutely no sense, but does it have to? It's fun enough to kill ants by whacking them with your net, and everything else can be put to good use. (Can.) Hell, it even puts them all to really cool use in the final level, where you have to solve alternate dimension mirror puzzles or some shit.

And that's it. There's really nothing else to the game. It never really puts any of those power-ups to interesting use. In fact, it doesn't put a lot of them to use at all; you're mostly going to use the magical stilts and the magical incline generator, and I think I can only remember two times I ever used the croquet mallet. That's not enough to carry a game like this, and believe me: it neeeeeds it. I mean, what else is going to carry it? The levels? Fat chance. There's never really a sense of purpose or direction in any of the levels, making them feel like a chore rather than a fun excursion. Just jump through, head in random directions, and repeat for a few levels that look exactly like the one you just finished. Throw in some unexciting graphics and music that eats a high fiber diet specifically so it will never have any shits to give, and you can see why I'm none too pleased that I didn't get to cover that Mary Kate & Ashley game. Even if this game is by far the better one.

Review Synopsis

• Yep, that's a Barbie.
• The underlying mechanics are good enough...
• ...but the game surrounding it is severely lacking.

(As I'm sure some of you know by now, I'm teaching myself Japanese for what I'm sure are incredibly petty reasons.) So how's that been going? Well, to be brutally honest: terribly. Ne....only once have I put in so much effort for so little pay-off. But I can probably pinpoint why my Japanese sucks so hard: my methods are shit. I don't know what else to do, so I simply listen to Japanese audiobooks and read the accompanying text, hoping it results in something learned.

Don't look at this as a gloomy waste of time, though. It's actually been pretty fun, as each one has its own little quirks that I simply love discovering. Mayhap the narrator decides to grab a quick bite during his reading, or perhaps they've included some nice sound effects to bring their reading to life. Maybe they did a line of coke before that reading and you have trouble keeping up with them from paragraph to paragraph. But I don't care; that's what makes these so enjoyable in the first place. And that's not even getting into the actual stories, which also tend to have their fair share of eccentricities. So sit back and let me recount my adventures in the world of sort-of-Japanese literature!

A Scandal in Bohemia

Alright, time for a straight-up warning: most of these stories are going to be from the 19th century. In fact, all of them will be from the 19th century. I'd say it's due to copyright laws, but I prefer to think that Japan has a boner for steampunk. As do I. Now before I actually go into the story, I feel it pertinent to state that this was one of the first Sherlock Holmes story put to pen, meaning it was key to establish exactly what type of character our friend Holmes was. Of course, the author chose to make him a condescending asshole, evident from the beginning of the story. After Watson arrives, Holmes mocks the poor bastard over his inability to memorize the number of stairs in his house. Things only go downhill from there. He lets Watson try to solve the case, only to push him aside and let the big boys handle these things (remember that Watson is a licensed medical doctor and not his kid nephew); and then he threatens to light a woman's house on fire so he can commit a home invasion the next day. But it's hard to hate the guy when he gets results in the end.

Only he doesn't. One of the guy's first cases, and he fucks it up big time. Fortunately, it's because he's such a pompous asshole that he screws things up big time. God, that catharsis is amazing. Granted, the story tries to frame it as some type of success (Holmes' client still gets his wish), but trust me: Sherlock Holmes done fucked up......You know, I should probably stop ragging on the poor guy. After all, there's more to this story than that. The whole detective process plays out rather logically and covers all its bases, and...no, that's all I can remember of this particular short story. (It's been a long time.) Still, if you have about fifteen minutes to blow through someday and you forgot your DS, you could probably go to Wikisources and find A Scandal in Bohemia lying a-

Wait, I forgot about the audio part of this audio book. Strange, given the quality of these recordings. (See if you can spot a pattern to come.) I don't know if I said so earlier (because even I don't read this dreck), but this was my first Japanese audiobook, and I'm glad I started things off so well. A piano introduces and outroduces each MP3, the audio is clear, and best of all, it's not just one asshole recording everybody's voices. I know that sounds strange, but you'll learn why I appreciate this soon enough. Suffice it to say that I was surprised and pleased when a female reader voiced the female character. (I was expecting a squeaky-voiced man, if I remember correctly.) The only complaint I have (aside from that one time Holmes chows down mid-monologue because fuck you) is that these recordings seem specifically designed to make me hate Germans. There's only one German character in the entire story, and he's always speaking way too fast for words to be made out. I get it: you sexted a picture to Irene Adler. But slow the hell down. Nobody can understand you. Speaking of being unable to understand a damn thing...

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Unsurprisingly, that has more to do with the source material than it does the Japanese. Perhaps a chronological retelling of the story's events will make it clear. Alice is sitting by the river, complaining about the lack of manga, when she sees a WHITE RABBIT dressed in PEOPLE CLOTHES jump down a NEARBY rabbit hole. Did I mention that Lewis Carroll SHOUTS EVERY OTHER PHRASE AT YOU as a funny means of emphasis? Anyway, she chases the rabbit down the hole, and then eats some treats on a nearby table, because why the fuck not? Then she grows big, then small, then almost drowns, and then she goes to animal Congress or whatever and then she breaks into somebody's house a-

Are you sensing a pattern yet? If not, let me lay it out for you: shit just happens all the time in this book. There's really no causal relation between any of the parts of the story; nobody has any motivation for doing what they do. OK, that's not entirely true for the end, which does try to make events follow each other for a reason, but for the most part, you could arrange everything around differently and nothing would change. Not that this is all bad by necessity. As you should know, I'm into all kinds of weird shit, so personally, I could take it or leave it. Besides, it's a children's story (with some allegorical math sprinkled about), so who cares if it makes no goddamn sense? If it's a fun ride, who am I to complain? My only true complaint is that the White Rabbit isn't as utterly pimp as he is in the Disney movie, but that's hardly something I can hold against the book that was written years before film was even invented.

Which brings me to the audio files, I guess. All I can say is that they're competent, but not glamorous. Just kidding! I can say a lot more about them. For instance, only one person did this recording, sadly enough. And as there are multiple characters in Alice's adventures, prepare for all kinds of memorable impressions. Squeaky Alice! Stoned Caterpillar! Husky Gryphon! Stoned Cheshire Cat! Stoned (or Possibly Very Tired) Dormouse! Upon reflection, a good portion of the characters sound like they lit one up before speaking with the protagonist. Incredibly fitting, given the material we're talking about, but if I can be a stingy asshole, technically only one character was smoking anything in the entire book. But I can't hate on this too much, because on a technical level, everything's fine. She speaks at a reasonable pace, so I can make out what she's saying, and the audio's clean and clear. Not as glamorous as A Scandal in Bohemia, or even as good as the next audiobook, but whatever. It gets the job done.

Silver Blaze

And back to Sherlock Holmes we come! Don't worry, though; I'm not gonna lay out my complaints about the world's greatest detective or whatever his alias is. Hell, I'll even go so far as to say that this is better than A Scandal in Bohemia. Two reasons: first, the case is a lot more complex than getting a picture back from some lady.....OK, just one reason: Sherlock Holmes having fun. That shit about the case being difficult and complex? (I might as well tell you what the case is right now: a murder case and a horse was captured.) That's still true, but Holmes solves it in about half a page. This leaves the rest of the story open for Sherlock Holmes to systematically fuck with every character he comes across. Don't worry; it's all ultimately harmless, and a few of them have it coming anyway. So yea, it's miles better than the last Sherlock Holmes story, and I include the audio portions in that statement.

Though on that subject, surprisingly enough, the MP3s here are like some strange combination of the previous two audiobooks. On the one hand, we have the general quality of A Scandal in Bohemia. The quality is by far the best of any of these, and while there aren't any fancy intros or outros, Silver Blaze gets its sound effects on, what with the train noises and deathly air of British moors resounding throughout. On the other hand, like Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, only one person does this. Yet unlike it, this guy doesn't even really bother with something so petty as multiple voices. You want to differentiate the characters? He'll change his inflection slightly, and that's it. But I guess that's to be expected when you have a voice as cool as this guy's. It's hard to describe the exact qualities of a voice (smooth with nine Os?), and I'm not sure I can link you guys to the MP3s I was listening to, but trust me: the guy reading Silver Blaze has a great voice. I'd call him the definitive Sherlock Holmes if Sherlock Holmes spoke Japanese.

Little Match Girl

Oh god, this was terrible. If ever there was a worse audiobook, I have yet to listen to it. Not that I can say I listened to this particularly well, given the dreadful quality. It sounds like the people involved in this all recorded their lines from halfway across the room, and given the prevalent sound of lips smacking throughout, I'd guess they're using the same piece of crap microphone I use for the Mumble servers. For those of you who remember what the beginning of that sentence is like, congratulations! You remembered that I said the word "people"! Since A Scandal in Bohemia had multiple people in it, this one oughta be just as enjoyable, right?

WRONG. Just....wrong. Let me list my experience with these participants. First, they decided to read the title, author, and some other shit all at the same time, possibly in an attempt to be cute. (This is a children's story, I've been told.) Obviously, that had to be edited out immediately, and with it, I edited out any enthusiasm the readers put into this. After that, they all read their lines like...well, like they're reading lines. Worse yet, I couldn't edit all these people into the same person. I would if I could, since it would make things easier on me. I know it sounds trivial, but trust me: it's a trifle distressing to be reading a paragraph and suddenly hear somebody else's voice for no reason. There are only two lines of dialogue in this story; there's no reason to have nine separate people recording it.

Oh, right. The story. I've been putting this part off for a bit, and for good reason: it's depressing as hell. What's wrong with you, Hans Christian Andersen? You couldn't call up Lewis Carroll and have him write you a decent children's story? Actually, now that I think about it, this is about as far as you can get from Alice in Wonderland. Remember how that was a whimsical adventure utterly detached from reality? Well, Little Match Girl is as gritty and down-to-Earth as you can get. It's a cold British night, and a little girl has to take to the streets to sell matches, or else her father will beat her. That's not a joke, but an actual line from the story. And the worst part? It's not the most depressing part of this tale. Spoiler alert: the little girl lights herself on fire and burns to death. I'd say that this could qualify as a memory item short story in Fragile Dreams if it wouldn't make the game oppressively sad in the process.

Yet I have to admit that there's still something a little sweet that I like about this story. Despite essentially being a snuff film put to print, there are some touching moments to it. For instance, the girl meets her dead grandmother, and a hallucination goose offers its flesh to the starving child. I know that sounds messed up, but it's actually emotionally appropriate. In fact, remember that Fragile Dreams comment from earlier? Little Match Girl is exactly like that: utterly depressing and sad, but uplifting in a strange way. For those of you who haven't played Fragile Dreams, yet, shame on you. Haven't @Jay444111's ramblings taught you anything? But, for those few shameful people out there, this ought to approximate the Little Match Girl experience. Not that I'd recommend skipping out on this story; only skipping out on the audio parts of it.

To be continued, if this proves a good enough feature.