A blog so hard to write, I might as well call it "Battletoads."
By Video_Game_King 7 Comments
Adventures in the Magic Kingdom
( Halfway through this long-running NES bet thing, and Schmidt is winning.) And in a double whammy, I'm stuck with another game in the 6.0 range. Damn it, when am I going to play some really good games? (Probably around Christmas.) But back to the game in question, it's Adventures in the Magic Kingdom, a not-so-obscure game that puts you in charge of finding all the keys to the Cinderella Castle. Mickey's planning a parade, but somehow, everybody in the parade is locked in the Castle, and the keys somehow got scattered about the park. And if that wasn't confusing enough, Mickey's usually the one giving you the keys, begging the question, "What the hell am I doing here?"I don't know about you, but I could answer that question easily, mainly because the game lets you enter your own name. Because I love abusing this type of shit, I decided to name my character "Sexy" just so I could post the results here. His name given, Sexy wandered through the park, collecting keys by riding anything in sight (it's his nature). Each ride plays completely differently from any other; Space Mountain is a Road Avengers rip-off, the Haunted Mansion plagiarizes both Ghosts 'N Goblins and Castlevania, Autopia feels like Micro Machines, etc. It makes sense in theory, but unfortunately, it means this game is near impossible to review (especially since the game is so damn short). It also means that no one part is particularly well-developed, making for a series of middling games rather than the one great game Capcom was hoping for.
Here's the odd thing about it, though: there seems to be a few unifying elements between all the games, despite the genres being as far away from each other as you can possibly get. The most obvious one is that the game tends to be harder than it should be. For example, in the Pirates of the Caribbean level, you have to rescue a bunch of creepy old men dressed like sexy women. However, for whatever stupid reason, Sexy isn't allowed to attack anybody. Maybe Zorro hadn't come out at the time of this game, maybe Disney World is its own nation and the Second Amendment doesn't apply there, but I couldn't attack a single character. Oh, did I say single? I meant several, as there are more enemies here than there are in any other section of the game. You'll die, but fortunately, you can buy more lives, along with health and other things that I didn't give two shits about. I'm not insulting the system (it's pretty cool), but just the meager selection of things to buy.
Along with many other things I haven't mentioned. Like what? Like the trivia. Five of the keys are located in the park's attractions, but the sixth key requires you endure something that can be described as Trivial Pursuit mixed with a fetch quest. You walk up to somebody, they doubt that your Mickey's friend, they ask you Disney trivia (because Mickey's the type of egotist who only befriends those who know everything about him), they redirect you to somebody else with the key, rinse and repeat ad nauseam. Some of the questions are easy to answer, but some are so obscure that I'm pretty sure that Mickey's "friends" were just fucking with me. Why? Maybe they felt I was a walking example of false advertising. I could continue for a bit on how the game isn't good, but again, it's so short and varied that I don't find it possible. So I'll just end it with the Every FF7 Thing to Come After FF7 Award for Really Bad Endings. Magic Kingdom spends the entire course of the game hyping up a parade that never comes; that's far worse than what Dirge of Cerberus ever did.
Review Synopsis
- It's hard to sum up about 9 different games in 3 bullets.
- It's also hard to play this game at times, even though it shouldn't be.
- Is this third bullet even necessary? I think I summed up the game in the above two.
I can't believe I'm saying that these are good points, mainly because they feel like video game reviewer basics. But I must admit that the man has some good points to make.
WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$
( This was supposed to be Um Jammer Lammy, but it seems that bitchin' rock tends to scramble my brain.) I also tried Rakugaki Showtime, but after finally finding out that it was a fighting game, I realized that I'd need more time to beat it. However, unlike the last googolplex times I came across this exact same problem, I had a backup plan for this one: WarioWare. I knew I'd be able to beat it within the course of a single day, and for some reason, I also knew that I'd criticize for that exact thing (even though it's exactly what I wanted). In fact, I knew a lot of things about this game before going into it, which I guess spoils the entire blog. For example, I knew that the gameplay was perfectly designed for goldfish, old people, and everybody else with memories shorter than their penis. You probably already know what I'm talking about, but I'm going to talk about it anyway so I can pad the length out of what would probably be a two paragraph blog. Anyway, you're presented with some random mini-game and 3 seconds in which to achieve some random goal. Succeed, and you move onto another game; fail, and you have three other chances to fail until game over. Sounds simple, right?
Well, it is, which, as I've said before, makes it REALLY hard for me to write anything. But I'll try: remember when I said "sounds simple, right?" You know, exactly above these words, in the previous paragraph? You don't? Seriously? It's ri-I don't have time for this, as I have to disprove what I said, to an extent. Some of the games can be misleading in what you're supposed to do or how you're supposed to do it, like the trampoline mini-game. The goal of the game is to keep the little guy bouncing, so logic would dictate that you're controlling the little guy, right? Nope; apparently, I'm controlling the trampoline, which at first led me to believe that the camera just despised me. Oh, and should you encounter an A-button mini-game after about twelve that have used nothing but the D-pad...
OK, so the universe is destroyed, what does that mean for the review? Well, since nothing makes sense anymore, I might as well end the blog with the story. Wario is at home, presumably waiting for Nintendo to call him about the next Wario Land game, when he sees a commercial for a new game. Rather than just engage the TV in a staring contest until the show comes back on (like most of us do), Wario decides to make his own game. However, because he's a fat lazy piece of crap, he decides to hire his friends to make the game itself. OK, so maybe "friends" isn't the best word here. Or "hire." (It's actually "crap.") Rather than convincing them with a demo or whatever, Wario does absolutely nothing while all his employees mysteriously come to him through completely random means. I really feel like complaining about them being random, but given that it's the theme of the entire game, I can't. Besides, this definitely isn't a game to be taken seriously, which is why I award this game the Irony Award. Why? It's been staring you in the face the entire time!
Review Synopsis
- Rather than sum up the review, I've decided to follow Wario's example and be completely random about the next two bullets.
- Behind every workshop aborts a played verse.
- The nest responds! To the purple scissor-worm!