(Well, Night of the Sexyface has finally arrived for this Senastian abode.) What, pray tell, is Night of the Sexyface? For this blog post: irrelevant. You see, I know that none of you know the storied tradition of the Night, so I decided that this year, I'd try out some Christmas stuffs! Early, of course, so I could blog about them on the actual Christmas day.

I started by inviting all the friends and family I know. For some reason, this amounted only to my wife and Sexyface himself. "What the hell?!", I muttered to myself. Unfortunately, it seems I don't know how to mutter, because apparently, everybody in the room heard my petty complaints. In fact, the Queen felt the need to offer an explanation. "Well, between the blogs and running the Kingdoms, I'm not sure you've had time to make any other friends. Besides, in the nearly 300 years I've known you, you never were terribly social." All I could do was bow my head in resignation, knowing that there was no possible counter-argument to her claims. I also seem to remember a dejected Sexyface complaining about the lack of rooftop beatings. For some reason, that seems to be his favorite tradition each year. Nostalgia, I take it.

But there is no time to reminisce about such revelations, for now is the time of merrymaking! Apparently, this included singing songs. Songs about roasting a motherfucker, how utterly awesome I am, and straight-up racism. However, I rejected those carols and opted instead for something more traditional. Hell, I even filmed the whole thing for your pleasure!

Now, I'm not telling you who's who, because all the fun is in guessing. Unfortunately, all that choreography and stuff ate up about half my "Christmas" day. It doesn't exactly help that everybody was breathless at the end of it. I seem to remember Taiyn collapsing into a chair and Sexyface chugging down a 2 liter bottle of Gatorade. Although none of this inspired confidence, it did transition nicely into step two of my authentic Christmas experience: the Christmas feast! (Well, there was also something mistletoe related in between this, but the lurid sexual details are too much for this site to handle.) What did I have for this meal? Well, it's hard to say, really; I was going off an Earth recipe, and it didn't seem to have a name. All I could find was this recipe:

Bake following ingredients in oven at 500 degrees Celcius for two weeks:

• Twelve drummers.
• Eleven lead pipes.
• Ten "Lords a-leaping". (I have no idea what that is, so I just tossed in ten chocolate Easter bunnies. The Easter Bunny is Jesus, right?)
• Nine of Katy Perry's back-up singers.
• Eight cows.
• Seven swans.
• Six geese.
• Six goose eggs.
• Five bags of onion rings.
• Four border-collies, force-fed Turducken. (That's what a colly bird is, right? This is where the instructions get odd.)
• Three French hens.
• Two turtles; two doves.
• One partridge; one pear tree.

Feeds up to twenty people.

It obviously goes without saying that this took a lot of preparation. How do you guys even accomplish something like this? Well, apparently, it's all worth it, because this was probably the best meal I had in my life. I don't even know how to describe it! Chewy? Tender? There are no words in the English language to describe this meal. I know; I checked with Sexyface. On that note, everybody seemed to agree with me that this meal was simply fantastic. Sexyface just shoveled that crap into his mouth as fast as possible, only stopping once to give me a thumbs up. By the end of it, he looked like a very messy clown: all these different colors just haphazardly splattered across his face and everything. I can't say much about how the Queen reacted. From what I remember, it was just squeeing. Tons and tons of squeeing. I never even really knew her to do that type of thing; most of the time, she's kind of aloof and serious and not the type of person to squee.

I suspected my next activity would restore her to her usual self: decorating the fireplace. Unfortunately, I can't name a single person who owns a fireplace, myself included. What use do these things have in a world with air conditioning and lighters? So I settled for decorating the front door to my throne room, instead. It took a while (something I'm noticing about a lot of Christmas traditions), and this is what came of it:

"I think we should just move onto the gifts.", Taiyn interjected. "What were we doing, again?", Bushwald assented. I had no choice but to agree to their terms, but can you blame me? My heart was in the right place whilst making this monstrosity. I guess years of preparing my defenses against Satan Claus seeped through into the design process.

But anyway: the gifts. Let's start with what I got, and for two reasons: I am a selfish bastard and that's literally where we started. Sexyface presented a pink Nintendo 3DS to me. Everything about it, from it being a 3DS to it being pink, was exactly what I wanted. I gave him a silent nod of approval expressing this. He knew what I meant. Then something weird happened with the Queen's gift: Kid Icarus: Uprising and Metal Gear Solid 3D. How did she know that Bushwald Sexyface would get me the 3DS necessary to play it? Had they collaborated on this? I pressed her on the issue, and it turns out that she bought it somewhere outside Maryland. I don't have a place in Maryland, and I know that she doesn't, but I didn't press her on that. Just an odd detail I'm not going to investigate, really.

"So where are our presents?", they both blankly stated while simply looking at me.

Crap! I knew I forgot something! It was too late to go out and get a couple of gifts for them, and it was definitely too late to transform into Stocke so I could go back in time and prevent this mix-up from ever happening. Fortunately, I was able to salvage the situation rather well. For Sexyface, I simply removed my hood, took off my mask, and showed him my face. He's never actually seen my face, so I knew this would be a big thing for him. His reaction? "Could be better, but honestly, not too bad."

The Queen followed up with, "I hope that's not my gift. I've known what you look like for a while."

"I know, I know. Trust me: I've g-"

"It's not sex, is it? Because we've already done that."

"....Yes and no. It's Sexyface. Well, sex with him. According to him, he's supposed to be an expert on this type of thing, so I have to imagine he'll know what he's doing better than I ever would."

Taiyn was mildly pleased with this proposition; I'm not sure how Sexyface felt about this. At this point, I could only watch him do what he does best (besides squat thrusts in roller-skates. The dude's a fitness machine.). Again, the details are too graphic to share with any of you, but suffice it to say that it was a sight to behold. I pity anyone not able to experience this event, even secondhand.

Well, anyway, that's what a Senastian Christmas is like. I think. I'm certain that I'm the only person to have celebrated it up here ever (what with Satan Claus being a very public threat for quite some time). So did I learn a lesson from any of this? Of course not! Do I seem any different from myself in this blog? I couldn't even pull myself away from myself long enough to focus on other people! And I feel that on this note, I shall now go to bed, having learned not a damn thing. When I awake some time next week, my GOTY blog will likely have been posted for all your enjoyment. Joyous Christmasing until then.