By Video_Game_King 3 Comments
Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon( It's been about nine months since I became a master of diabetes, and now, I'm back for more.) Unfortunately, I blogged about the only two diabetes games in existence, leaving me no avenues for further diabetes refinement. However, I have a better idea: use the power of video games to become a master doctor in all diseases. With the help of Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon, I am now an expert micro-janitor. Somehow, I think his experiment has failed.
You know, just like the game's title failed to indicate which health problem it's covering. Hint: it's cigarettes. It all starts when Jake Westboro got a job helping tobacco companies sell stuff. Somehow, this gave him cancer, along with everything he could ever want. (Already, this game has gloriously failed to teach its lesson.) Now, he could go through chemo or radiation therapy or nut up and smoke some pot, but Jake's doctors have something else in mind. They seek the help of Rex Ronan: Experimental Surgeon, which is probably how doctors say that they know you'll die, and they simply don't give a fuck. His latest experiment? Become a cliché, of course! He plans to shrink himself down and kick the cancer out of his body. (Oddly enough, there is a kick in this game, but it's completely useless.) That makes sense, right? No? It doesn't? Well, strap it on tight, because that's just the beginning! I haven't even mentioned the tobacco trivia...that you can oddly turn off, in case you don't want education in your educational games. You should probably turn them off, too, because they're all pretty crap. First, it's all true/false...kinda. Not so much true/false, but more "anti-tobacco/pro-tobacco." Choose correctly, and every enemy on screen dies from insta-cancer, something you can get from smoking cigarettes. Get it wrong? You lose health, you idiot. These questions are ridiculously easy, so I can't imagine anybody ever getting them wrong. For example, did you know that " smoke* kills more than accidents*, murders, cocaine, and AIDS combined"? (Always gotta love the lack of specifics in a test question.) I sure fucking didn't! You learn something new every day, even if it isn't in any way accurate.
Sadly, all lovably insane things must come to an end, and Dr. Ronan decides it apropros to end it as soon as the actual game begins. Rex begins his journey by entering Jake's mouth to...brush his teeth. I imagine he screamed "SCIENCE!" at his colleagues the moment they presented him with a toothbrush. At first, it seems like it's just the mouth that needs brushing, but then you play the other levels. That's when you realize that this game is nothing but playing mini-janitor inside a salesman. It's not especially bad, though, especially if you have the right weapon (more on that later), but it eats up a lot of time you don't have. Granted, you can skip it entirely without consequences, but I want to pretend that this is a meaningful gameplay addition. Otherwise, it's just a fairly generic shooter. Specifically, it's Hyperzone, because in between flossing segments are "get to the flossing segments" segments. Most of it's easy enough, since you can avoid the golden nicotine discs floating throughout Jake's body rather easily, but then come the blockages. It's appropriate that they usually look like Jake's been stuffing his arteries with partially chewed pizza, but do you know how hard it is to pass through an upcoming hole in a non-3D environment? Who thought that this would be a fun thing to include? Oh, right: the guys who made this.
But poor little Rex Ronan shall meet resistance along the way...from Jake's employers. Not the actual nicotine, but Jake's employers. Or perhaps I should say "employer", because their methods are so cartoonishly stupid that I'm pretty sure the guy works for Dan Halen. Instead of letting Jake's bigoted white blood cells kill Rex for them, the fine people working for Dan Halen decided to send miniature robots to do it, instead. (Why this microtechnology hasn't been adapted to revolutionize the medical industry is beyond me.) And these robots are good at their job. Not because they're especially deadly or anything; I was usually able to take them out with my piece-of-crap-flamethrower/toothbrush rather easily. (I'd have switched weapons, but you can't do it manually, and the other weapon is an even bigger piece of crap) It's mostly due to how many you have to face. I think Jake has more robots in his body than he does plaque. At least the SNES can handle the plaque; there are so many enemies on screen that I could probably increase the frame rate by exporting the game to Powerpoint. And like I said before, you don't really have a lot of time to navigate these incredibly generic levels, so it really doesn't help when the game just arbitrarily stops you dead in your tracks until you kill X amount of enemies. What the hell, Rex Ronan?....OH! Now I get it: it's an artificial lengthening tool. Yea, no. I'm not taking that crap. Screw you, nicotine. Like Rex Ronan, you're one of the lamest addictions around. Let's just hope that bronchitis is more exciting.
- Wow, for an anti-smoking game, Rex Ronan really does a lot to make the tobacco industry seem awesome.
- Rex Ronan's experiment: curing cancer by becoming the Tooth Fairy.
- The tobacco industry's response: ROBOTS! ROBOTS UP THE ASS (presumably, but hopefully not literally)!
I submit to you more proof that Romancing SaGa 3 fans are fucking insane. If NicoNico had embed options, I could do a whole season based on this one concept.
Bronkie the Bronchiasaurus( You're fucking liars, Raya Systems.) First off, that thing before about how it's about bronchitis? Turns out that all the bronchs in the title are talking about asthma, because bronchitis isn't good enough for a game. Second, there's no such thing as a bronchiasaurus. Go ahead, look it up. How can I be sure that asthma isn't a made up disease invented to drive up sales of this game? Not sure how that would work, though, since the game was only available by prescription. Why did doctors prescribe it? Because Rex Ronan's only available for surgeries.
Speaking of Rex Ronan, the set-up is about as ridiculous as his experiments. I mentioned dinosaurs earlier, so that obviously means they're all gonna die a fiery meteor death. Or they won't, since they invented a machine that sucks up all the space dust. This furiously angers the villain, who decides to steal the parts to the machine, killing off all life on Earth. There's never any reason given for this, and I'm not sure why he'd want to do that, especially since he seems to be the mayor of Dinosaur Land. I'm guessing it's a political ploy he didn't think all the way through. I can't really blame him, though, because look at who the people chose as a hero: an asthmatic young dinosaur by the name of Bronkie. That may not sound like much, but if this game has taught me anything (it probably hasn't), it's that people with asthma have miserable goddamn lives. Did you know that they can't laugh or cry without having an asthmatic attack? They can't even experience sorrow over the fact that they can't experience joy of any kind! Then again, if this game is to be believed (it probably isn't), asthmatics are so idiotic that they probably don't know all of those depressing things I said earlier. You get a ton of obvious quizzes over the course of the game, and while that's to be expected from these games, you also get unskippable instructions on how to light one up between every single level. (As an aside, can I ask why this game is called Bronkie Health Hero? I've seen this name thrown around in every context except the game itself. Where are people getting it from?) Again, Rex Ronan wasn't available.
Speaking of Rex Ronan...wait, that's how I began the last paragraph. Speaking of Rex Ronan, Bronkie surprisingly isn't a rip-off of it. Instead, it decides to plagiarize good ol' Captain Novolin. Just look at what you have to deal with: each level consists of Bronkie walking through backgrounds too generic for a Flintstones cartoon, and no, that's not the joke. The jokes are the quizzes...that I already mentioned. But what I didn't mention is the asthma gimm-I kinda mentioned that. But you only have some idea as to what threats an asthmatic dinosaur faces. You have to avoid cats, birds, smoke, freshly laid tar, chemical drips, and everything else you can find lying around the chemical plant not found in this game. So what happens if you have the temerity to handle some mad pussy? The screen darkens a bit, you cough a bit, at times, and you're generally cherry tapped to death. Of course, you can get rid of this through a menu you're never told about, but why would you want to do that? To please the peak flow chart ripped straight from Captain Novolin...somehow? Fuck that chart! Asthma is an awesome disease. For the price of coughing every couple of minutes, you get to smoke as much pot as you want AND you can kill dinosaurs with your breath.
Speaking of Rex Ronan, the enemies in this game share absolutely goddamn nothing with Rex Ronan. Remember how they were a pain in the ass to handle? Of course you don't, because you didn't play that fucking game, did you? Well, the enemies in this game pose absolutely no threat against poor asthmatic Bronkie, which is probably why they went extinct in the first place. Each one dies in two-ish hits from your...stick....thing. I don't know what it is, why Bronkie's carrying it, or why the hit detection on it sucks harder than Bronkie when he's taking a puff on his pot pipe, but there is one thing I do know about it: it kicks fucking ass. As I said earlier, you also get to breathe on enemies (asthma isn't contagious, probably because it kills you before you can spread it), but they come in limited quantities, so expect most of your enemies to die at the hands of your beating stick. But the bosses have to be better, right? You fucking idiot. The designers of this game ate an all pizza diet while designing the bosses, simply because they wanted to make sure that they had no shits to give. The boss's patterns are so easy to recognize that they sometimes don't even bother having patterns, and you can usually just whack them to death over about a minute. The only major exception to the rule is the final boss, mainly because he isn't a boss, but an obstacle. Is there anything about this game that isn't completely stupid? The story's stupid, the asthma is stupid, the platforming is...oddly average, but the bosses make up for it with their double stupidity. Why did doctors prescribe this in place of actual medicine? Oh, right: Rex Ronan wasn't available.
- Speaking of Rex Ronan, the setup's just as stupid, but nowhere near as enjoyable.
- Speaking of Rex Ronan, this game is a lot like Captain Novolin.
- Speaking of Rex Ronan, how the fuck can bloodthirsty dinosaurs fail so hard to kill another dinosaur whose defining traits are "asthma" and "made up"?