Am I tripping out, or does your head taste louder than before?
By Video_Game_King 17 Comments
Pepsiman
( Before I get into this blog, let me say this: I love Coke.) Not that white nose powder, but the drink that used to have the white nose powder back when everything was laced with cocaine. That said, I STILL love this game, that's how good it is. Yes, it's a game, not just a user on Giant Bomb. Where do you think he got the name? More importantly, though, where the hell did somebody get the idea to make this game? Actually, after playing this game, I'm convinced that two different people made this game.
The first man, whom we shall call Shrill Marketing Fatass, decided that the game should be about some ugly creep living alone, spending what little time he hasn't dedicated to Pepsi praising you for being so awesome to drink Pepsi. Fortunately, somebody else at Pepsi (let's call him Super Fucking Awesome) decided to retool the game into something else. SFA's vision was that you play as Pepsiman, a naked super-hero who runs from place to place, rescuing comfortable people with cans of Pepsi. Now you may think it weird that the hero's naked or his super-power is running kinda fast or that he's rescuing people that don't need to be rescued, but here's one weird thing that blows them all away: YOU PLAY THE GAME ENTIRELY FROM BEHIND PEPSIMAN. Yes, the entire game consists of you staring at his ass as it delivers Pepsi to the people, the sole exceptions coming every third level.
But wait, the weirdness extends to the gameplay itself! In fact, if I could sum this game up and I was forbidden to use the synopsis for some reason, I'd refer you to the first few seconds of this clip. Why? It's funny in a camp way, and the entire game consists of you running from point A to B. That's it, that's all there is to the game. You run down a certain path and have to avoid things by jumping or sliding. (I'd have compared it to Wily 1 in Mega Man 8, but WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A THING!?) There's not much more I can say on the subject other than that it's simple and does its job. It's the type of game that you can play in short bursts, have a quick laugh at, and then move onto another game. What more can I say?
Not much, but I'll try. You'd think running around would be a simple concept that doesn't require much else, but Pepsiman finds ways to add onto that concept. Obviously, the results are less awesome than the original concept of a naked soda man giving people soda. For example, every few levels or so, Pepsiman will get his stupid head stuck in a garbage can or on a skateboard, screwing up the controls greatly. The garbage can is meant to do so, but not the skateboard, meaning you'll lose lots of Pepsi and lives. Don't worry, though; you stumble over more free lives than your average citizen of Rapture. Let's see, is that it? *checks notes* Oh, right, it was only released in Japan, but the only thing Japan about it was the subtitles. Everything else makes me think it could've been localized stupidly easily. Had they done that alongside smoothing out the few wrinkles in the game, this game could've won the Best Corporate Superhero Award. Alas, I'm forced to give it the Second all that stuff. (For the curious, that other award goes to none other than POWDERED TOAST MAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!)
Review Synopsis
- The premise for this game may sound like a crap advertisement, but it evolves into something far, far weirder. And therefore more awesome.
- The gameplay's simple, and I like it like that.
- Really, is this third bullet really necessary?
This is the scariest fucking thing you shall ever see.
Abadox: The Deadly Inner War
( That's it, my hope for humanity is dashed.) I've given you guys enough opportunities; even after atrocities like the Holocaust and Big Bumpin', a faint light of hope for humanity remained illuminated in my mind. But not anymore. "Why are we fucked", you demand of me, having ignored the title of this half of the blog. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and explain why I've lost faith in you fools. It's not that the game is bad (it's not good, but I'll explain that later), but rather that you guys found this game to be so difficult. Just about every page on the game seems to complain about how the game is harder than a priapistic teen in Reno, something that confuses me on deep levels. I found it easier than disappointing that aforementioned teenager, probably because of the weapon selection. You get four weapons, and only one of them is actually crap. By crap, I don't mean you need to fire about 12 miniguns worth of ammo to put a dent in your average enemy; I mean it's the only weapon that doesn't cover the entire screen. The other three weapons (two spreads and a circle thing) cover the screen with enough ammunition to make even the most ardent NRA supporter demand stricter gun control.
So, in a weird way, they were, like, just born. That adds a new level of "that's not right" to the entire affair. One of the preceding levels includes "horizontal and vertical shooter gameplay." What makes it not right? You'd think the gameplay between the two would be significantly different, right? Oddly enough, they're mostly the same. They both consist entirely of taping down the turbo B button and dodging obstacles. In fact, that's probably the only hook this game has: narrowly dodging things that are flying at you. However, there are several things wrong with that, like how most games already have that, or that this game throws enough speed boosters your way that not making it to a gap is about as probable as any of my favorite games coming to this generation in some form. So in the end, what do we have? Specifically, a generic, rather easy shooter with decent graphics and music. How 'bout the R-Type Award?
Review Synopsis
- The ridiculously powerful weapons make the game easier than pumping out one of these blogs.
- There are a few gameplay tweaks that do absolutely nothing to the base formula.
- I'm surprised that this game challenges so many people.