So goes another game in a Humble Indie Bundle. Given how many of the damn things are released, I'm starting to believe that intro is losing meaning. But it's best to focus on the present, which for this blog, translates into Darwinia. It's the first entry in the illustrious -winia franchise, known for Darwinia +, Multiwinia, Godwinia, and Activia. Are you looking for an incredibly relaxing game? Then Darwinia's for you. Want a game with some challenge or tension or a sense of accomplishment? Go somewhere else. The relaxing part tends to fuck that up.

However, you must understand that that's what makes the game work in the first place. I'll get into more detail about it later, but the basic premise is that you're tasked with removing a computer virus by shooting it to death. For the most part, you have an infinite supply of whatever you could need, time included; the only limit is on how much of it is out at any one time. Sound easy? Well, it is, and it only gets easier from there. For instance, enemies will only engage you if you run up to their face and shout "I INTEND TO KILL YOU", so any non-violent goals, like gathering digital souls or unlocking spawn points, tend to be very easy. In fact, I'd begin every map not by killing things, but by doing anything else, specifically because it's such a low-risk effort with high yields. Granted, all of this takes a long time to accomplish (each map takes maybe an hour to complete), but that's not because you have to restart a map again and again and again.

This would be the part where I introduce some mitigating factor that makes the flaws easier to deal with, but the mitigating factor here is that very flaw itself. Sort of. All you really need to know is that this game is very leisurely and relaxing. A lot of that is in the minimalist tone the game projects. You'll be playing through origami levels and controlling vague representations of things to fight slightly less vague representations, all within relative silence, and somehow, all of it coalesces into a gorgeous product. Yet that's only a part of what makes Darwinia so soothing. There's just this beauty to seeing your goals executed with a ruthless efficiency that's incredibly hard to describe. There's no decent word to describe this in English (which I know you're reading it in), so allow me to use a Japanese word instead: 機能美. Darwinia is built entirely around 機能美, and it works really well. Sure, it falters a tad in the specifics. The early goings feel like you're wrestling against the mechanics to get anything done, and certain gameplay concepts are introduced long before they're ever made relevant. Give it a chance, though, because there's something to be said for conquering vast swathes of land with nothing more than the power of math. And that's Darwi-

Wait. I forgot the story. I mean, yea, it's not necessary to the enjoyment of Darwinia, but that's not much of an excuse to forget it. Anyway, remember earlier when I said that this game's all about destroying computer viruses? Well, there's more to it than that. So much more. Like a goal. Why are you going Norton on things that don't technically have an anus? It's for the Darwinians, these tiny green stick figures that get farted out onto the map every now and again. I realize that sounds demeaning, which probably isn't appropriate, given how everything you're doing in the game is going to be for their sake. Your first priority is always....OK, that's going to be to kill, but the second priority is raising and protecting these defenseless little fuckers at every turn. I'd say that this contributes to building a relationship with them, but a lot more of it is in how their world is built. It's almost completely alien, but there's still enough there to relate it to our own world, like buildings and geography and this weird Buddhist/Scientology religion aspect. Not sure what that's about. The important thing is that it's enough to form some type of bond with the lifeforms populating Darwinia. In case that's not enough for you, then how about a totally awesome what-should-have-been-the-final-level and an incredibly-easy-to-cheese-final-level? And that's Darwinia.

Review Synopsis

• Failure is not an option, but that's only because the developers didn't really include it.
• Because the developers knew you wouldn't be able to move your muscles, what with being relaxed to the point of paralysis.
• Oh, and something about Scientology. That one confused me.

Here's a question I'm sure you've never asked: what if everybody in the Earthbound universe was an asshole? Oh, and if Sonic and DK were there for some reason? Well, this poorly drawn Flash video answers those questions nobody ever asked.

What connection does this have to Darwinia? Absolutely none! I just wanted to play this game. Not sure why, though; as we all know, I'm not a huge fan of survival horror games. But does the addition of RPG features sweeten the deal? Of course not! That only makes it harder for the horror parts of the game to work. So what we're left with is Resident Evil with random encounters. Sound like fun? If so, you must lead a horribly depressing life.

That said, Koudelka does have an OK story. It all begins with our protagonist (named Koudelka, just to make writing this really confusing) hearing voices in her head tell her to break into a church. Obeying that which must not be obeyed, she breaks in through sheer force of awesomeness. And then she meets Edward and James. I don't have any problems with facial stubble, but James is a completely separate entity. The bastard just doesn't know when to shut up about religion. I'd tell him to tone it down, but it's not like the guy's attitudes are without purpose. I mean, they play a huge role in the game's themes and whatnots. For you see, Koudelka is a game about religious hypocrisy, one that tries to tell us how religious fervor can be used to mask even the most horrible, selfish of deeds. Does it work? That's actually incredibly difficult for me to say. On the one hand, Christian ideology isn't actually explored in the context of the story, giving us no idea of how that faith should actually be used other than "don't do what these guys are doing". Then again, maybe that's not really necessary. After all, everybody's just using it to mask their own shitty deeds. If they don't care about it, why should I? Speaking of not caring, that's kind of what the game does with that theme. Oh, sure, it's definitely present, but not very strongly. Instead, the focus is on dumb moments and storytelling that's a little loose.

And being as much like Resident Evil as possible. Remember when the only non-Resident Evil survival horror games were Clock Tower and I don't think that counts? Koudelka was released during that period of time, and dear god, does it show. You wander around pre-rendered environments (complete with pre-rendered people), shooting up what I guess are zombies and solving what I guess are puzzles. As you can probably tell, the inspiration isn't a good thing. A lot of the puzzles make no sense and don't even make an attempt to fit in with the atmosphere. For example, there's this one room which contains a floor that best resembles a SATOR square written in Wingdings. You must step on certain squares in a certain order to progress. I think you can work out the numerous problems a puzzle like this would create. On the other end of the spectrum, we have our hero reaching into a dead woman's cleavage for an item. Still, this design philosophy does have its benefits. Not in terms of puzzles; that aspect is fucked. I'm talking more about the atmosphere. You have this absolutely huge church filled with you, a bunch of mystical, otherworldly creatures, and absolutely nothing else. Add all that together, and you have an oppressively lonely and desolate air that has the potential for some good scares, or at least a decent sense of eerieness.

Until the RPG system comes in, that is. But before we get to why I don't like such a major feature, let me say that it's a mechanically solid system. Imagine a turn-based game of football where everybody's trying to murder each other. You can move your guys about the field, but not past your nearest opponent. Same goes for the other side, making it a pain in the ass to revive anybody who had the audacity to die behind an enemy. That's not me complaining about the system; that's me qualifying what makes it so good. It's really simple, but yields a surprising amount of depth, especially when combined with the character diversity and weapon degradation and ammo concerns and all these other factors. Oh, and there's also a magic system that levels according to usage. That's cool, I guess. But really, the appeal the battles have lie in their tactical nature. As I've said, it's filled with some really good gameplay mechanics

that would be better in just about any other game. What? Did you forget that this is a horror-themed game? Well, the developers did, because role-playing mechanics and survival horror aren't a particularly good mix. More specifically, the RPG elements make it impossible for this game to be scary or terrifying or even vaguely related to horror. For instance, remember that sense of loneliness I was talking about before? How do you think that fares when you introduce random battles? And how am I supposed to feel vulnerable in a turn-based system, again? I know that the movement thing I mentioned could play into this, but that would need an especially high difficulty to be true, and Koudelka isn't about high difficulty. I mean, it's not an easy game, but it's not that hard, either. It strikes a middle balance that doesn't work too well in its favor. And I haven't even mentioned all the pointless boss battles the game just throws at you out of what I'm guessing is a feeling of obligation. You don't need all th-

Best I nip this negativity in the bud before it gets out of hand. How about some positive talk for a change? Like the graphics. I realize how confusing that sounds when I haven't posted anything good looking of it so far, but understand that I'm not talking about the CG scenes. Their coloring is too off to make them any good, as are their faces and animations. (The mediocre voice work doesn't help.) Fortunately, the stuff that's rendered in real time doesn't have those problems, and not just because the PlayStation wasn't powerful enough to render faces. The animation is incredibly fluid, and everything, from the environments to the character models, is rendered with a high amount of detail. Combine that with some decent music, and you have a game worth checking out. Combine that with dumb "puzzles" and a combat system that has no business anywhere near this type of game, and you no longer have that game I mentioned last sentence. Instead, you have Koudelka.

Review Synopsis

• Why talk about using Jesus as a mask for your shitty deeds when we can focus on planet spider women tattooing the Sephirot onto their bodies?
• A more serious question: who thought it was a good idea to combine a role-playing game with fear? (Square doesn't count, since they made it work.)
• Well, at least it looks good.