Everything about this is long overdue.
By Video_Game_King 20 Comments
Donkey Kong Country Returns
( You know, I probably should have saved this for my furry blog.) After all, Metroid had no fur, just like I don't have a good pube joke for that statement. Oh, and Donkey Kong Country stars mostly naked (at least the animals in Tail Concerto wore clothes) monkeys, one of which rides the other. Is that gay? Pedophilia? Furry? Some weird combination that the Internet invented some time ago? Who knew that the return of Donkey Kong Country would be so confusing?You know what else is confusing about the reforming of the Glorious Donkey Kong Republic after the tyranny of the K. Rool monarchy? The absence of King K. Rool. It's actually incredibly amazing that his power has been on a constant decline ever since the first game. He was the final boss in Donkey Kong 64, but he can't make a guest appearance or whatever in this game? I know what you're thinking: end-game unlockable. Stop shaming yourself with your wrongness. So then who's the villain? Magical tiki spirits, because at some point, Donkey Kong Country decided to steal shit from Crash Bandicoot, just like how the tiki spirits steal Donkey Kong's banana stash. I'd make a drug abuse joke, but given how much of the shit he has, he's clearly peddling it. You're destroying the community, Donkey Kong. Stop this terrible quest to retrieve your bananas from the tiki police. Oh, and there are also pigs who help you along the way, because apparently, this is Tomba, now. Do you even know what you want to be, Donkey Kong Country Returns? Wait, I think I've already used that joke as the basis for my Tail Concerto blog. Besides, Donkey Kong Country Returns absolutely knows what it wants to be: a cartoon. Since it's kinda near impossible to get the plastic-as-hell look of old, Retro Studios decided to aim for the cartoon motif ( not that kind (Oh god, not, that kind)), and it works really, really well. Along with the lack of dialogue (trust me, this is a good thing, again), it adds this fun charm to the adventure that past games only achieved through Cranky Kong. What's that? Cranky Kong's in this, too? Fuck yes!
Speaking of Mormons....uh....Speaking of game shows and jungles, the game gets pretty creative with its level themes. Sure, you have the typical jungle and factory (although since the musical tiki spirits are the villains, this makes little to no sense), but you also have pirate levels (they're not raining, so it's OK), volcano levels, prehistoric levels, and something called "the Golden Temple", although that might be me pissing all over the cartoon I linked before. I can already hear you typing out a complaint, because your anger is apparently really loud. "Previous DKC games did that shit, too!" Did they have you riding rocket barrels through dangerous caves? What about dodging oncoming waves? Or activating a rocket to get to the boss? That thematic creativity carries into the levels, too, so there's that. However, there's one type of level that comes up a lot that I don't like: the minecart/rocket barrel levels. At least with the other levels, I can proceed at my own pace; with these, I'm going at the game's pace, and one hit kills me. See that health bar at the top? (Oh, I forgot to mention the addition of a health bar.) In these levels, it's meaningless. You might as well get acquainted with trial and error, because you're going to see them a lot. How am I supposed to react to this shit on my first try? At least games like Mega Man 8 and Aladdin give me fair warning; this shit just comes out of nowhere. I'd vary between being a cautious pussy and a 100%ing maniac, all of which led me to crash into nearby walls or not time a jump well enough. It got so bad that those Tomba pigs would pop up and tell me, "Hey, you wanna skip this level? I mean, nobody's gonna know, and you've lost, like 20 balloons on this one goddamn level. Hell, you used a key to get to this level, so nobody's gonna give you crap or anything." My response? "Fuck you, pig. I'm getting through this on my own. Keep your super guide for the people who tried playing this game with Wii Motion Plus."
You know, now would probably be a good time to tell you what exactly the core gameplay mechanics are like. I'd say that it's just running and jumping, and while that's totally true, this time, there's more to it. You can pound the ground like you forgot that this isn't Donkey Konga, roll straight into enemies, or blow the dandelions scattered across the level. All of this requires shaking the Wii-mote a bit, but trust me, it's less intrusive than it sounds. However, it's just as useless as it sounds, unless you like discovering a shitload of secrets. I guess they put it in to make up for the fact that the only usable animal is now Rambi, but it just isn't the same. You know, like how Diddy isn't the same. Don't act disappointed, for he's still in the game, and unlike the animals, he plays an active role. The only caveat to this is the type of role he plays. Remember my Donkey Kong Country 3 blog, where I praised the game for finally giving the two characters different purposes? Well, in its return, Donkey Kong Country takes this to the ultimate extreme: you play as Donkey Kong, and Diddy acts as a jetpack with two extra hits. While this is actually pretty convenient and can make some hard jumps more manageable, it still feels a bit crap that you can't play as Diddy Kong, let alone watch him rock out at the end of the level. Wait...*checks manual*...wait, there's still no rocking out, but you can play as him in the co-op mode. From the looks of it, this essentially turns the game into Sonic the Hedgehog 2. That game fucking rules, and since this seems to be Nintendo's answer to it, Donkey Kong Country Returns rocks, too. I'm giving it the Whatever Happened to King K Rool Award. Congratulations if you understand that reference which somehow references itself. If you don't get it, go back to the early 2000s and watch some Cartoon Network. While you're there, bring me back some tapes of Invader Zim and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, since those shows fucking rule. You know, like this game, or not at all like this now recursive blog.
Review Synopsis
- It's like the Donkey Kong Country cartoon, only charming instead of terrifying (did Diddy Kong molest a duck?).
- Holy shit, there's a lot to collect and do!
- At this point, all I can say is that it's a really solid platformer.
Oh god....just....There are just so many things about this video that I fucking hate. When I decided to do a blog about it, I didn't even favorite it; I just opened it in a new tab and shoved it into a random blog. Keep in mind that I've favorited shit like this. If I owned a microphone, I'd retsupurae the fuck out of him. However, I'll just resort to quoting Dave Chappelle and yelling at him through text.
Textupurae AKA AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
- Before you even watch the video, I can tell you that choosing Fire Emblem 4 to Let's Play is a bad idea. It's an excellent game, but...well, you'll see why it was a bad idea.
- Oh, look at that: he's on part 43. And he's only on Chapter 2. Spoiler alert: he still has two castles left to conquer. You may not understand why exactly this is a bad thing, so let me compare part 43 of another LP: this guy's almost done with the game. Catch up, ChristopherTheKnight.
- Why's he calling them talks? Is that a sign that he's never had a conversation with a living person?
- Why is Sigurd all the way up there? I know that you can use him to recruit Beowulf in the area, but he's clearly done that. It's been a long time since I've played the game, but the only option I see is that he left Sigurd sitting up there so he could move his other troops down near the pass.
- Wait, the sound desync starts before the one minute mark? I thought that happened later in the video. Anyway...
- OH GOD, THOSE VOICES! At least when somebody like SirRonLionHeart or ElectricalBeast does this shit, it's only mildly annoying, or, dare I say it, quirky. When you do it, it's like combining some horrible African American stereotype with some terrible anime stereotype, and then dipping the unholy mess in twelve gallons of annoy. Now that I think about it, either one of those guys would make a better Let's Play of this game than yours (ElectricalBeast could just telepoh Sigurd across the map).
- "Sylvia's kids are kinda useless." You mean the dancer and the kid who can revive anybody? Totally fucking useless.
- Wait, he contradicted himself for me. Ugh.
- Yea, just keep ending turns without really doing anything. That's the type of action people want to see in a Let's Play. I honestly hope that he didn't discover the 50 turn lover's cap, because you know he'd post a video of just ending turns and accruing those love points while making Lachesis sound like a racist stereotype. Or that you can use the arena to dick around with the random number generator, because it would just be him yelling "have at thee" while Dew cherry taps a general. Why would you do this? That would be like keeping the tunnel scene in a Fragile Dreams Let's Play. Wait...no, the analogy doesn't work, since this one's actually tolerable, and at some level, it respects the source material.
- "Let's try something new and exciting, which means I have to save state." What? In the one game where you can save EVERY GODDAMN TURN!? AAAAGGHHHH!
- As if placing Finn near four Lance Knights and a Duke Knight (promoted Lance Knight with more range) wasn't stupid enough, he decides that Lachesis needs to get in on the action, even though he got her in this chapter and probably didn't have a lot of time to train her.
- Hey, look at that: editing. Keep this in mind for later.
- Stop saying things. Just stop fucking saying things.
- Admit it: you completely forgot that Finn had Prayer, didn't you? You got extremely lucky.
- "And that level-up sucked." Just like this video.
- Yes, yell at the characters. They'll obey.
- It's not pronounced "jay-velin."
- Seriously, stop saying things.
- Hey, sound desync is back, because this wasn't enough of a train-wreck.
- Why did you dance a unit that didn't really need it? Why not move her a little closer to Sigurd so he can get in on the action? Oh, let's face it: there's no way Sigurd's going to make it to them before the end of this video.
- Was he imitating a whiny fan? Because that makes me hate him, not his imaginary fanbase.
- "Are you guys there yet?" Is this video good yet?
- And that's it! Let's recap: what did he accomplish in this video? He killed a few dudes. That's it. He didn't conquer a castle, or view a major plot point, or get a special new weapon. Just ten minutes of filler. Why would you keep this? Eltosian slit his throat in Chagall's prison just so you wouldn't cast him as a shit Richard Pryror impersonation.
- It gets worse! Now when I listen to the music from this game (like I did when I typed this), I see his videos in the Suggestions. Who the fuck could enjoy this, YouTube? Stop whoring out your Suggestions, you Internet slut.
The Granstream Saga
( OK, that's enough absolute hatred for one blog.) I need to return to something I'm familiar with: apathy combined with low amounts of focus or confidence. Let's see what I can dig up...Hey, look at this: a game that took me more than six months to complete. This wasn't because it's long or hard; if anything, The Granstream Saga is a flaccid penis compared to other games I've touched. If you're looking for long and hard, go ask The 7th Saga to fuck you up the ass. If you're looking for a 3D version of Terranigma, then you'd better go ask around a Square-Enix fan forum, because this game isn't that, either.Let me preface this blog by saying that I only started playing this because of talk about it being the spiritual successor to Terranigma, an SNES action RPG in a long line of spiritual successors dating all the way back to ActRaiser. (There's another reason, but I'll let you figure that out later.) Little did I know that only the end part of the game has anything to do with Terranigma. The rest follows like this: for thousands of years, there have been floating continents in the sky. One problem, though: they don't float forever, meaning that they'll eventually sink into the sea. (In fact, they inevitably do sink into the sea, but that's not important, now.) There are two solutions to this problem: cut off parts of the continent and defeat the purpose of preventing that shit from falling into the sea, or lift them back into the sky. Our protagonist, Ar-er, Eon, must gather four orbs and enlist the aid of Arcia, a girl with the magical ability to rip off The Fairly OddParents, and a bunch of pirates with a wisecracking bird (not Iago), to prevent the four continents (apparently, the other three are fucked) from sinking into the ocean. This should be an easy task, but it isn't, as the Imperial Wizardry is out to stop you. Although they sound like a division of the big bad empire, they are the big bad empire. So why do they want to destroy the world? I honestly have no idea, and I don't think the game explains it well. They might as well be magical Nazis, a joke that Google Images doesn't want me making. Now that I think about it, The Granstream Saga's strongest point probably isn't its story ( this is bad enough), at least for the first half. The second half, however, is where the game really develops its themes, like keeping shit alive, fate, reincarnation, light/dark duality, and ripping off Terranigma. Not that this is a bad thing (might as well steal from the best), but it can get oddly specific with its rip-offs. Remember how Terranigma ended with a long-ass hallway where the villain yelled at you? So does this game.
Crap anime cutscenes aside, I do know one part of the game that sucks: the graphics. OK, they don't outright suck, but they're still not that good. As navgtr told you, none of the characters have any faces, even though this should be an easy thing to do. Tekken had faces, and that was released three years before this. Between this and animations (also, controls) so stiff that you could mistake them for The 7th Saga, I get a very strong doll vibe from the game. Not in a good way, though, like Mystic Ark, but more in a confusing way. Were they actually trying to make the game look like Barbie's Dream Airship? It doesn't help that you physically shrink to enter battle. Speaking of which, now would probably be a good time to mention a single thing about the gameplay. Before I do, though, let me say that it's completely possible to get the most powerful weapon at the very beginning of the game. And I did. What the hell, Quintet? Granted, it's an obscure secret, but it's still there. I'd say that it makes the game kinda easy, but surprisingly, it doesn't. You still have to learn enemy patterns and have decent enough reflexes to beat them. Hooray for a battle system that requires a legitimate amount of skill! It's easily the strongest point of The Granstream Saga, even if it's still kinda flawed. For example, notice the magic in one of those links? You're never really going to use it, maybe. I never did, but aside from healing, I didn't see much use for it, just like I never saw any use for the weapon-specific moves. Input them fighting game style, and you can do stuff. Unfortunately, you can't look up all this useful information, so unless you have a FAQ or perfect memory, you're fucked. If you do have a FAQ, though, why aren't you using that ultra kickass Onimusha Blade that's way better than everything else in the game?
Actually, now that I think about it, a lot of this game feels like an afterthought. For example, you can feed Korky, but it never really does anything. It's not like you get hints or gain levels or anything; he just says some shit, and then doesn't do said shit. Speaking of leveling, the leveling system in this game isn't that good. You level up at pretty much predetermined story points, so why even bother fighting? Oh, that's right: because you can't run away from any of the battles. But enough of these battles. Can you believe that there are parts of this game that don't involve slashing a dude in half? I can't, mainly because there's not a lot to them. Remember how I said that you were tasked with reviving four continents? Wouldn't it be cool if you could choose the order you tackled them in, like a Mega Man RPG? Well, you can't. You go along at the game's pace, doing what needs to be done to get through the game. To mix things up, there are some puzzles, but they can vary between " Fred FredBurger could solve this shit" (sorry about the forced ad) and "how the fuck do I do this?". There were some puzzles where even with a FAQ and a Let's Play, I didn't exactly know how to solve a given puzzle. Is this how you follow up a game like Terranigma? A game that killed off any hopes for a follow up? Actually, that explains the shit out of this. Also, the whole "2D to 3D is risky" thing of the mid to late 90s. I guess I should give it the Smart Choice Award for Not Besmirching the Good Terranigma Name. You saw what I did to that bastard who did the same to Fire Emblem: Seisen no Keifu. Yea, now you understand.
Review Synopsis
- The first half of the story is kinda uneventful; the second half is pretty much Terranigma.
- The core combat system is awesome, even if the frills fell off long ago.
- Progression is either frustratingly easy or frustratingly hard, for no reason.