Hail to the shallow embodiment of masculinity, baby.
By Video_Game_King 46 Comments
Duke Nukem Forever
( Fourteen years.) This blog has been waiting fourteen years* to see the light of day, and now, it is here. It feels kinda surreal, and not just because I started blogging on this site about two years ago. I still can't get over the fact that I own a game that nobody thought would ever see the light of day. A lot of you have, though, and judging by the review scores, you guys are pissed. One question, though: why does this game suck? I played through the whole thing and didn't find a ton to hate about it.Â
Normally, I'd just dive right into the story, but I feel the need to set the mood properly first. There we go. Now the story of Duke Nukem Forever begins with a recounting of the great Duke's many victories against his foes in battle (oddly in the style of No More Heroes). We then flash forward to the present and witness Jon St. Jon, Duke of Nukem's splendor. Following his battles with the neighboring country of...I can't remember, but anyway, he has a grand castle, the love of his people, a harem of the most beautiful women Nukem has to offer, and everything he could ever wish for. Yet just as quickly as he acquires these riches, they are snatched from him by the armies of...that place I can't remember. Speaking of that area, the grand Duke is not allowed to attack it, for his King forbids it due to recent peace negotiations between their lands. Now the Duke finds himself torn between duty to his King and his desire to save all that which h... OK, so that's not at all how the game presents any of it, but it's just as dated as all that. Ignoring the recap thing I said before, it becomes immediately clear once you see Duke sleeping with Mary Kate and Ashley Olson knock-offs.(He might as well be.) Things only get more dated with references to Team America: World Police and The Simpsons. Wait, that last one was from when The Simpsons were still good, so it gets a pass. In fact, now that I think about it, some of the humor in this game is pretty good. Sure, you get some really bad crap (if I have to hear another bad pork line again...), but again, there's some good stuff in here, too. Like what? Well, whenever it takes a pot shot at any other FPS on the market, mostly. Remember: just because it's ridiculously juvenile and dated doesn't mean it's bad.
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Oh, wait, I just remembered that I'm supposed to like this game. Why is that? Well, first up, all the cool shit you can do. I know that sounds vague and bland, but Duke Nukem Forever actually builds an entire system around it. Maybe I should explain it in a way that isn't totally bland and meaningless: your ego is your health, so remember that when you insult me in the comments. How do you raise your ego? "Crafting a more flexible spine that will allow you to suck your own dick, becoming a human embodiment of Ouroboros?" You fucking madman! You increase your ego by interacting with the world around you. You know, looking at porn, playing mini-games, picking up turds (for some reason?), that sort of thing! It's actually a pretty cool distraction from the rest of the game, and keeping in mind the next part of this blog, pretty damn faithful to the Duke's good name. Sure, the controls on some of the mini-games could use some work (I suspect air hockey would work better with a mouse), and the interactive (I wish I could think of a better word) parts are limited, but I'm still a fan, nonetheless. Besides, when you're not looking at boob-centric porn magazines (I'm surprised that those are considered risque when everybody uses them as the go-to risque thing), you're shooting dudes.
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So again, I must ask: why do people hate this game? Is it the platforming? Because I actually kinda liked that. Mind pointing out what's not to like about jumping from hamburger patty to hamburger patty as a tiny Duke? The parts that are inventive, or the parts that are relatively challenging? Or is it the part where you have no idea where to go? Actually, yea, that may be what kills it for a lot of people. (I wouldn't know. It's not like I read a ton of reviews or anything.) It can be pretty hard to find your way around the Dukedom, usually because of something the game's not telling you. Perfect example: early on, you have to bash a hole in a wall to get into the Duke Dome. Of course, the wall in question doesn't give any hints that this needs to be done, and worse yet, there's a giant hole right above, almost calling out to you, asking that you climb in. But you can't. You have to bash a hole in a wall that gives no indication that it can be bashed in. It only gets worse with time, especially when the many (oddly placed) loading screens actually recommend that you look up the solutions in a FAQ. THAT SHOULD BE A SIGN THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM, PEOPLE BEHIND THIS GAME. Also, it's a good way to piss off those who pre-ordered the Balls of Steel Edition, along with every non-American on Earth. Why did they do this? My best guess is that they wanted to cover up how short the game is (I finished it in less than a week). Somebody needs to tell the developers that short does not mean bad. Hell, just look at Duke Nukem Forever. That's a pretty good game.
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Review Synopsis
- This game's stuck in the 90s, but since that's a pretty cool decade, it's not much of a problem.
- Everything needs to be shot. EVERYTHING.
- Phantasy Star dungeons are easier to navigate than this game.
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Speaking of overly masculine...
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Duke Nukem: Time to Kill
( Oh, here we go.) If you're looking for a bad Duke Nukem game...look somewhere else, kinda. I know. I'm just as shocked as you are. I found this forgotten console Duke Nukem game, released to sate the hungry masses waiting for Duke Nukem Forever (that should have been another sign that there was a problem). Then I played it, and discovered that it was a somewhat competent Tomb Raider clone. At best (or worst), it's the kind of mediocrity that you don't give a shit about. That's probably why I'm the only person to remember this game.Â
And you guys were missing out, too, because the story here is surprisingly amazing. The setting: the American South, mid 80s. Two redneck assholes decided to rape Duke's daughter. His ten year old daughter. Frustrated that the justice system will most likely let them off the hook because of racial prejudice, Duke takes justice into his own hands and kills the two rapists in broad daylight. Now it is up to rookie l...wait, that's the plot to John Grisham's first novel, A Time to Kill. Time to Kill, on the other hand, casts Duke as a time traveling badass, trying to rescue women all across history. Odd, because the women don't really play a large role. You see them a few times, you're not supposed to shoot them, and that's about all there is. So then why's Duke traveling across time if there are more women in Cho Aniki than this? Well, I think I can explain it: shitty one-liners. Costume changes (which means that some poor modeler probably had to create a naked Duke model) If you thought that the Duke's lines in Duke Nukem Forever were bad, just try to endure the crapfest that spews forth from his mouth. At least the lines in DNF were complete; a lot of the time, Duke's lines just cut off for no apparent reason. I think he just realizes that his quips are terrible and quits while he's ahead. But that's not tackling the true suck of these lines. I don't even know how to explain it without linking you to them, and I'm not going to abuse my readers, so I'll just tell you to imagine your dad. Imagine him trying to be funny. Is he failing horribly? Then he's probably Duke Nukem. Also, your dad is Duke Nukem? That's fucking awesome! Tell me more about how you got so damn lucky.
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Want some major annoyances? Here's one: this game is hard to navigate. That should be much of a surprise, given that it's pretty much the love child of Duke Nukem and Tomb Raider (there was a time when that would sound normal and not like an act of desperation), but it's still a bunch of crap. I'd spend a lot of my time just wandering around, wondering where the hell I was supposed to go to progress the game. It can get so bad that you stumble across secret areas by accident. THAT SHOULD BE A S-why are Duke Nukem games plagued with so many problems? Why are the levels so hard to navigate? Again, I shouldn't have to look up a FAQ to figure out where to go........To be fair, you don't have to. You just probably will end up looking toward GameFAQs for the answers. By this, I mean that 3D Realms was at least trying to fix this problem in some way. The levels are actually pretty distinct and memorable (at least as a whole; on their own, they're still a bit of a nightmare to traverse), and the pause menu does list off your goals, kinda. Well, they are listing off goals, and that's a step forward in somebody's book. Unfortunately, the level design is still an issue, and I know how they easily could have fixed it: don't rip off Tomb Raider. Or don't be Duke Nukem. Simple as that.
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Review Synopsis
- These one liners are complete horse shit.
- Like Duke Nukem Forever, this game has tons of cool weapons; unlike Duke Nukem Forever, you won't use most of them.
- * ahem*
- Writing this thing has felt like this the entire goddamn time.
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