I feel a theme developing.

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Dead or Alive

( Remember my last blog, where I awkwardly tried to enjoy a WRPG, only to fail miserably due to severe graphical issues?) Minus the graphical issues, it's mostly the same here. Let's count all the 3D fighters I've played, shall we? Soul Calibur II, back from when Blockbuster wasn't dead. Tekken, which consisted mostly of me tossing people like somebody looped Super Mario 64's Bowser fights. Evil Zone, arguably my favorite (and least understood) of 3D fighters. Dead or Alive, the one that gets its own blog, just like all the others.
OK, not entirely like the others. In those other blogs (not the Soul Calibur II one, which I don't think I've ever written), I started off with the story, something I can't do here. What would I say, that there's a tournament? That it features a popularity vote that amounts to dick (odd choice of words, given that it's this game)? That's all I got! Instead, let's focus on the obvious: the boobs. At first, I had trouble seeing why people considered this game overly sexualized. Sure, the women were hot, but it's not like they were wearing hair bras at shoulder length or anything. Then I made it to the option menu, where I saw that this game had a boob bounce option, turning every battle into a ridiculous Chappelle Show sketch. Boobs don't bounce like that, right? Are there any girls to confirm that boobs don't bounce like that? Wait, really? Well, my female experts have confirmed that no, boobs don't bounce like they're actively trying to get Isaac Newton horny.
  About half the pictures look like this. Wonder why?
 About half the pictures look like this. Wonder why?
On that subject, it may surprise you to learn that there are actually some guys scattered through the game, like Ryu Hayabusa and the bastard splicing of Hulk Hogan and Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'd say that their move lists are bigger than the boobs in this game, but keep in mind that the girls don't fare any better. Go ahead, look at this; most of them take up an entire page! That certainly explains why I was able to get through each match by bashing the controller in an insane frenzy. Other factors include serious balance issues, rings surrounded with enough TNT to reveal just how small Wile E. Coyote's penis is, the lack of 3D controls (meaning Zack is pretty limited in failing to dodge your moves) and just how similar each character's moveset can be. Now comes the part where pull a complete 2340 and use that previous thing to compliment the game. How, exactly? Well, it has a bigger penis than Wile E. Co-I did not mean to say that. Other thing, the moveset stuff. Turns out all the moves are so similar because for the most part, they lack motions to them, meaning they're less like Tekken and more like Evil Zone or Super Smash Bros. Kind of. Look, what I'm trying to say is that it's more accessible than the one game that is Tekken, OK?
Oh, I forgot to mention the big draw of the Dead or Alive games: the boobs. Wait, I mentioned those. I'd mention the rock-paper-scissors fighting system, but it seems as though somebody forgot to bring the rock. Here's how it works: holds beat attack, and there's no third thing to balance it out. Oddly enough, it works. Remember what I said about the game lacking any skill beyond pushing buttons with your palm? Forget that, since it's mostly limited to single-player; I imagine multiplayer consists mostly of grabbing your opponent's fist and spinning them to the other side. You can't mash your way through this, either, as you need precise timing. You better learn one of two things: the art of insane combos, or the art of grabbing somebody mid-insane-combo. Or you can hope that the boob bouncing physics will distract your foes long enough to launch them into Explosion City. Seemed to work in the single-player mode, which....wait, I already did that. Might as well end this thing with the Most Schizophrenic Blog Half Award.

Review Synopsis

  • The fighting system at least shows potential to be good, even if the button-mashy nature kinda ruins it.
  • This just in: there are guys in this game.
  • Lots of exploding.
We have a popular insult on the Moon: you suck worse than five Tellahs.

Rockin' Kats

( Damn it, I broke theme!) I've got an NES platformer for this part of the blog, and anybody who doesn't have decent experience with these things needs to be locked in a room until they can tell me who the final boss in Cocoron is. Actually, screw it, I'm locking you in a room with Cocoron anyway, that game rocks. That way, when you come out, you'll forget the theme of me trying out new gaming genres and remember this new one of blogs so painful to read that you'll start reading Dan Brown to soothe the suffering. And you'll have played Cocoron, so it's a win-win situation.
  There is no avoiding the inevitable sex joke this picture will elicit.
 There is no avoiding the inevitable sex joke this picture will elicit.
Rockin' Kats (oddly enough, spelled without the Z, perhaps to fuck with my instincts), not being Cocoron, obviously can't live up to the awesomeness that is Cocoron. It tries, though, even going so far as to have mostly the same plot. No, Cocoron (damn, I'm mentioning that game a lot) wasn't based on the plot of Cats Don't Dance, and neither is Rockin' Katz (mainly because Cats Don't Dance sucks). Instead, you must rescue your girlfriend from a 20s gangster dog, only to do it again next week. I know what you're thinking, and this game's plot isn't based on Mario, either; it's just formatted like a TV show. You choose a channel, rescue the girl, and then do it again next week. Or you can let her rot while you play whatever the bonus games are. It works surprisingly well (not the letting her rot thing), giving the game a certain degree of personality and variety it wouldn't have otherwise.
Wait, what the hell am I saying? Of course it has that shit already! The art's all done by the Shin Megami Tensei guy, automatically shoving this game into Persona levels of horror. That takes care of the personality part, so let's move onto the personality part. While most platformers have you jumping from place to place, Rockin' Kats has you jumping from place to place if you're an extremely boring guy. Us cool people will resort to bouncing off the walls with a boxing glove. You read that sentence right, I hope. You aim your boxing glove at something you don't like, punch it in the nuts, and the force of your hatred will cause you to launch in the opposite direction, pissing off Isaac Newton more than DOA's bouncing boobs. But screw Isaac Newton and his apples, because this concept rocks. I'd call it a reverse Bionic Commando, but not only has that been done before, but you can also spin around rather acrobatically on pretty much anything that isn't a wall. For anything that is a wall, you can bounce off it and into the sky. Sure, it has that type of timing that screws over anybody witha  turbo controller, but for those of us without turbo controllers, the control is excellent! What could you possibly hate about it?
Oh, look another paragraph! Well, why not? After all, the game is lacking in variety a bit. Not enough to destroy it, but enough to warrant mention. All the levels follow the format of horizontal, then horizontal scrolling, then vertical. That's too much horizontal for a concept that really deserves some type of vertical. After all, what the hell are you gonna bounce off of when you can just jump from place to place? Enemies? A bit odd, that; seems as though the game focuses more on combat than level design, like if No More Heroes merged with Zelda. (I wish I could Photoshop that moment, but given that I can't, please enjoy more Bach Rider.) Hell, the bosses are actually pretty creative, ranging from a boss from that SNES Mickey game that wasn't Mickey Mania (I can't remember the name right now) to the almost-final boss from QuackShot (why I remember THAT isn't exactly clear). I think you can see where I'm going with this award: the Cats Don't Dance, But They Also Don't Suck Award. Cats Don't Dance still sucks, though.

Review Synopsis

  • Damn it, I love the boxing glove gimmick!
  • Why do they use it more for combat and less for level design?
  • The controls are (mostly) decent.