I'm pretty sure this blog breaks at least 12 laws I know of.

Aegis Wing

( The first of which being the restraining order the shmup genre has filed against me.) This shouldn't be anything new: shmups and me haven't had the best of relationships for a long time. Oh, and given my experiences with downloadable games, why the hell not? They haven't treated me well, either. So of course, the obvious answer: because it was free, and somebody once said that the best things in life are free. I hope that asshole is sentenced to a life of eating only supermarket samples and the bread at his local restaurants.
For every single one of you who don't know what the hell an Aegis Wing is, here's the synopsis: Microsoft is very, very cruel. How cruel? Well, they've forced their interns to program an entire game for the Xbox 360. But wait, it gets worse than that. As I mentioned before, this game is free, meaning there's no chance anybody behind the game will ever see any profit ever, but Microsoft has said that they will start charging someday, probably as part of some perverse joke. I'd call this game a perverse joke, as well, but remember, it's free, so I have no right to complain.
You're gonna be seeing a lot of this guy.
You're gonna be seeing a lot of this guy.
But I will anyway, because I have 11 other laws to break by the end of the blog (10 if you count this transgression). The first thing I have to complain about is that it's, well, generic. I know I've said this for just about every other game in the genre, but this game really feels that way with stock music, bullet patterns more predictable than your average Scooby Doo plot, and you'll visit a bevy of unique locations ranging from "burned up city" to "brownish space." Also, probably due to a lack of ideas, you'll fight the same boss throughout the entire game, the only difference being his attacks. However, like the enemies, his patterns are predictable and the only challenge he presents is how long you can hold A.
That's the major flaw I find with this game: it's too f'ing easy. I found myself weaving between bullets with nary a problem, defeating everything with the advanced, mysterious technique known as "Tape Down The A Button." Oh, and keep in mind that the A button only fires your default, non-upgradable gun; my technique doesn't even consider handful of special weapons. On that note, they work, at least in execution. They range in creativity from a spacetime-shift that makes things retarded, a shield, a huge death ray, a lot of tiny death rays, and....wait, is that it? Yea, I think that's it, at least that's all I can remember. So numbers don't matter; as long as the system works, it's all good, right? Well, yes; you collect each one of those in limited supply, forcing you to strategize how you use your weapons. Sort of. Unfortunately, they never bothered putting in a system to swap (or at least stack) your weapons, so there's always the chance that you'll lose your super kickass bullet reflecting shield to the hands of the Retard Field.
Hold on, I just remembered something: I can't complain much about this game because I got it for free. The people behind this weren't being paid anything at all for anything ever, so why should they have given a crap if this game was good? Probably because they were working for Microsoft, a company that could probably buy these interns and use them as slave labor, but that's beside the point. The point is that while I can't complain about the overall quality of the game due to its lack of a price, I can complain about the lack of basic things, like saving. There's no save system of any kind in this game! You'd think it'd be easy to make one, especially considering that it's six levels long, but I guess this was something those interns had whipped out of their minds. They also forgot to add extra lives, a limit on continues, and a lot of the refinements you'd expect in 2009. Or 1999. Given the trend I've created, I'll give this game the Best Game of 1989 Award :P.

Review Synopsis

  • It's free, but it's also short and bare-bones. Judge that as you see fit.
  • You can beat this game with the A button.
  • I've heard of a co-op mode, but why the hell would you want to make an easy game easier?
On display are several forms of idiocy (going to the park so as not to get caught drinking beer, leaving the keys in the ignition of your unlocked car, making a "Road Out" sign when you know they'll plummet off the side of said road before they reach the broken part of it):

Road Rash

( No, this isn't a biker-specific strain of the herpes virus!) It's an old Genesis racer where bikers punch the shit out of each other. However, the actual punching part of the game is weak; while driving, you get next to your opponent and just wail away with the C button until they're either 12 miles behind you or 12 miles behind you in a pool of their own blood. That's all there is to the system, because your enemies apparently have springs for hands and there's only one weapon in the game: the fist-club, a stick that might as well be your very own punch.
Did you guys find it weird that I dived into the review head first for once? You know, sort of like how you're able to dive head first into the road in Road Rash. And just like Road Rash, I shall continue running with this premise long after all of you have passed by. "With what," you ask? Well, I'll continue with the actual racing element.....Damn it, I've nothing to say on that alone. What do you want me to say? It's racing; you just hold down accelerate and weave your way through traffic, cops, and bikers until you're in first place. The only thing I can tell you that's useful is how well the game pulls this off. 
Pictured: the two characters nobody has ever unlocked in this game.
Pictured: the two characters nobody has ever unlocked in this game.

  In short, not as good as you'd think; in long, this entire paragraph. I've already detailed the combat, but the steering is slightly worse. It feels a bit weird, especially on turns, since the way the game was programmed will send you to the other side of the screen when sharp turns come up. Other than that, there's not much I can say on the game. I know, it's weird, isn't it? This has to be the shortest review I've done for a game here, probably because this is one of the shortest games I've reviewed here. There are only tracks in the entire game, and rather than add more or give us different vehicles (oh, they're there; they're just exactly the same), Sega decided it was best to repeat the same five tracks across five difficulty levels, the only difference being that they're now much longer. Textbook definition of "cheap development methods."
Oh, look at that, it's not the shortest anymore. Anyway, there are a few things about this game that come to mind when I think of those three words, the first being the graphics. Before the SNES invented Mode 7, Sega did almost the same thing in Road Rash. However, it's not as good as Mode 7, as it makes the frame rate jerky and causes the aforementioned steering problems. But even with drifty steering, the game is still a pretty fun distraction when you've nothing else to do. That's why I give it the Yo-Yo Award. Figure it out on your own.

Review Synopsis

  • Repeating the same levels again and again=/=level variety.
  • While a bit unpolished, the game itself is actually kinda decent.
  • The combat could have worked if they gave you more than two attacks.