Let's Play Temple of Elemental Evil: Part 5: Gayer Than Ever.


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( And welcome back to a rather sad installment of this particular Let's Play.) Why is this so sad? Well, if you remember last time, I beat the hell out of Falior, and he took out his rage on the local baddy. But that's not relevant. What is relevant is the fact that Elder Nevets banished the group from Hommlet. How shall they respond to this terrible fate?
 
Falior handles it by making a pact with Banthor and Issril: steal the woodcutter's axe and slice the Elder's head off. (Issril was somehow convinced that he's a sheep.) However, the woodcutter shakes Falior's hand (flinging him nine lightyears into Mento's game in the process) and offers a quest: kill some spiders. Fine, I'll do that. But nobody can collect the reward (what with the banishment and all), so off to Nulb it is. As soon as the group enters, it becomes apparent how much off an assstain Nulb is, at least if the intro text is to be believed. Yet Sexyface does not care; he sees a nearby hostel, and, thinking that "hostel" means "brothel", dashes into the establishment like he's really gotta use the bathroom. (He even looks the part.) Falior greets the room with his voice, and then this happens:
 
  
  
 
Let's try that again, but with Sexyface doing the work. Upon entering, a random girl decides to fondle his greatness. (Also upon entering, everybody levels up for some reason. I guess it's a consolation gift for not getting fondled.) This pisses off the other men, who decide to murder Sexyface for his crimes against...something. Obviously, they all die a horrible death for messing with the Sexyface. That's what they get for not running a whore house! Speaking of which, after they loot all the bodies they killed (while the ones they didn't watch), Sexyface dashes off to the actual whorehouse. Yes, there is a whorehouse in this game, but it's not being run too well. First, because every whore (they're labeled as such) has some weird theme, like twins, whips, or sheep. But Issril is not pissed. Why? She gets some whore love. Yes, I inadvertently made her speak to the lady pimp instead of Sexyface, so now she's a lesbian. Luckily, the whore she hires is also a lesbian; Issril helps her realize this, and Sexyface bursts into tears, knowing that his love is not wanted here. However, this solves the second problem I never mentioned: this particular whore refused to turn tricks. But now she does, and the quest is complete. Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil walks downstairs...
 
   Neutralio clearly has much to learn from Sexyface.
 Neutralio clearly has much to learn from Sexyface.
...and discovers the bard. What the fuck? Mento, since you've spent more time with him than I have, answer me this: does he play his own music while doing the nasty? If so, what? I hope he's not talking, because this dickhead has a voice so annoying that Falior uses him to make his voice sound better by comparison. Anyway, he's looking for his sister, whom I guess is somewhere singing this. That's one of the reasons why I abandon the bard's ass and try on another quest. This time, Bushwald Sexyface tries to aid a gypsy, but again, a penis is not welcome in this situation. Issril uses her newfound sexual liberation to find out that the gypsy lost her orb. Banthor invades The Venture Brothers, dressed in a bear suit, and steals the ORB from Phantom Limb and company. (At this point, this shouldn't be surprising.) Quest completed. Later, Neutralio spots a corrupt apprentice in town and remains neutral on the subject. That quest was wasted. Might as well talk to his blacksmith. Look at that: this guy knows about the Temple of Elemental Evil. Why? No idea. Now I could rush straight into the Temple after this update, but I still have more quests to do. Like killing the blacksmith and looting his anvil. Yes, that's somehow a quest, and unsurprisingly, I fucked it up big time. I guess to make up for it, there's another one that just completes itself when Sexyface speaks to some bearded guy who hates his guts (the Mustache/Beard War rages on, ever strong). That's literally the extent of the entire quest. Issril steps up to the plate, though, hoping to get more quests out of him. Instead, she gets a house for cheap, most likely reducing the price with some skills she picked up from her lesbian encounters in the last paragraph. Hopefully, this does not lead to some crappy sitcom for the rest of this feature.
 
Starting the day anew in his wacky sitcom life, Neutralio uses the forces of Hell itself to craft a pet. It's a cat called Schrödinger. He considers it the ultimate expression of neutrality. Meanwhile, Sexyface decides to stroll around the pier, and that's when...oh, hold on. * sets the mood* That's when he finds the love of his life: an effeminately gay pirate named Bertram. He's gayer than rubbing two dicks together to create fire, and that's what Sexyface loves about him. Banthor doesn't like him (she thinks that Bertram and the other pirates do not rape and pillage enough), but what does she know about true love, huh? Yet there is a problem: Bertram is already in an abusive relationship with another pirate. A man of honor, Sexyface challenges this pirate to fisticuffs...and sends Falior to fight for him. Predictably, he gets his ass pounded as much as you'd expect from a gay pirate. Sexyface is furious, but rather than killing Falior for ruining the love of his life, Sexyface just murders the abusive pirate, along with all possible witnesses. It is for this reason that he can never reveal his love to Bertram. But all is not sad, for Sexyface is now...
 
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THE PIRATE KING!!! But while not all is sad, a lot is still sad. Dejected and depressed, Sexyface wanders through the plains of Whatever-The-Hell-This-World-Is-Called-Ville, killing anything he stumbles upon. Actually, that's a bit inaccurate; he doesn't kill a rock he stumbles upon, mainly because he can pirate from it. I've read that it's part of a quest in Hommlet, but you must remember that Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil was banished from there. So Sexyface pockets the goodies and while he's there, he kills a bear in one hit. Why? Because the only bears he likes are the ones wrapped in his muscly arms. After this display of...something (I've no idea), leads the group into Imeryd's Run, beating up sea hags and stealing toys from dirty swamp children. Also, a quest is completed. All they have to do is return to the pirates and...
 
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What's this? Did Banthor just go out of her way to bring Bertram and Sexyface together? Is she displaying traits of human kindness!? I have to balance this out. Bushwald Sexyface, you can marry Bertram, but only after this is all over. After all, next time, Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil must tackle THE TEMPLE OF ELEMENTAL EVIL!
  
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