The Return of the King

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The Story

( As many of you know, I have not been blogging for the past two and a half weeks.) But of course, I returned, and with an absolutely metric shitton of things to say! First, why I wasn't blogging. For the longest time, my laptop has seen it fit to communicate to me through monstrous whirring sounds. Eventually, I decided to figure out why it was groaning like this, and upon opening the damn thing up (well, opening it as far as you can go without removing the hard drive), I discovered why: enough dust to adorn whatever current-gen console you like.
 Pictured: a JRPG goldfish.
 Pictured: a JRPG goldfish.
Seriously, this thing was loaded with dust. I think I even found a pubic hair lodged in there. I didn't end it with the word "somehow" because I knew about the things it was doing with my dryer. However, when I told it to stop blowing my dryer, I'm guessing it stopped listening at "blowing", leading it overheating and passing out. So I sent the damn thing in for repairs and waited, biding my time with the Wii. Oh, look at that, it has an Internet browser! That's how I was able to participate in all those quests...sort of. See, Giant Bomb doesn't really work on the Wii, only allowing me to post updates and look at the site. I couldn't even update my lists (you'll see why I wanted to do so soon enough), but even if I could, I still wouldn't be able to see them. Why? Well, whereas my laptop had some weird selective deafness, my Wii had as good a memory as a JRPG goldfish. Any stress whatsoever will cause it to crap itself, asking you to reload the page before giving up and going to Google. None of this even qualifies as the weirdest part of the Wii browser. No, that goes to the words. Specifically, what you WON'T find in the auto-fill dictionary, swears obviously excluded:
  • punctuation: Apparently, Nintendo doesn't want me watching anything Yahtzee related. And they're right, I should stop watching the bastard child of Mr. Game & Watch, Boomhauer from King of the Hill, and an Australian guy.
  • yakuza: Pay attention, as this will be a recurring theme.
  • blog: Maybe I was wrong on the Yahtzee thing, since when I tried typing this word, the Wii suggested "bloke", like I bought my Wii through chimney sweep money.
  • anus: Hey, it's a medical term! One you won't find here.
  • barnacle: I think we all know how this came up: Spongebob.
  • Hiroshima: The only reason I bring this up is because as soon as I typed the letter N, my Wii was very eager to recommend Nagasaki as a word. Apparently, nuclear bombings are like fighting games: nobody ever remembers the first one.
  • mime: Again, I applaud Nintendo. Let's ignore their creepy existence.
  • bunnies: OK, this one confuses me, mainly because this is supposed to be a kid's system. Way to be anal, Nintendo., anal isn't there, either.
  • Scientologist: See mime.
  • vendetta: Remember, remember, the fuck was that thing about?
  • misanthropy: I wish there was a straight-faced Kefka sprite. I seriously wish there was, just for this occasion.
So what will you find in this weird dictionary? Well...
  • semen: Another theme has been established! Why does Nintendo think everybody who buys a Wii is interested at all in semen?
  • erotic: Damn it, Nintendo!
  • Xanadu: I'll let this one slide, since nobody knows that this was a Mongolian fuck palace.
  • Mewtwo: I like to brag about my Melee awesomeness, even if it just gets a lot of "why don't you just play Brawl" responses. I just like Mewtwo better.
  • bloke: Again, I'm not a friend of Dickens nor Poppins. It's not like I spend my time in Xanadu.
  • Diddy: It doesn't even come with Kong attached, so I'm forced to assume that about 40% of Wii owners are P Diddy.
  • asl: Nice way to cater to your pedophile demographic, Nintendo. It does a lot to explain why I get a McDonald's coupon with every Wii game purchase.
  • Wong: OK, this one makes perfect sense. If you're ever caught using the above word, a racist...thing appears on your screen, saying, " So, who's gonna get their dick ripped off tonight?"
  • seiko: I had no idea what the crap this was. I had to look it up on Google to find out that it's not something from Tim & Eric, but a watch company. Wait, people still have watches? W....what? (Oh, while I'm on the subject, let me say that I've finally started learning Japanese. My thoughts regarding the process have been confirmed: learning the character system is the hardest part. Excuse me a second. *punches Pepsiman in the face for laughing at me*)

Damn you, Britain! You could've dragged it on for a few weeks so this next video would be relevant, but you selfish sods just haaaaad to resolve your election controversy.

But wait, there's more!

( Yes, because I haven't blogged about games in two and a half weeks!) That averages out to about five blogs missing from my roster. By my new calculations, I've given you about enough material to sate about 1.5 googolplex blogs. "Huh?", you ask me, confused as to what the hell a googolplex is. It's a really big number, dumbass. And because it's so big, I could only (re)play each game briefly before deciding on a score and haiku. Shut up, it's not like you guys were suggesting games I should replay. Besides, why should I have trusted you? You're an idiot; you don't even know what a googolplex is.

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