This didn't turn out how I thought it would.


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Mega Man & Bass

( You know, I just realized something: I haven't beaten a GBA/Mega Man game in a long time.) Actually, I know why I realized that, and you do, too; but that doesn't answer our question, does it? Well, I kinda ran out of Mega Man games, since all the Classics are gone and I've gone through as much X as I can. Some of you will recommend the Zero series, but that brings us to the other problem: GBA games. I know why I don't beat them that often: they're oddly troublesome to emulate. PS1, N64, Saturn, all but the last one work perfectly, and yet GBA games do naughty things to my computer. I think it's revenge for all the naughty things I've done to it.

  No chance, weirdo.
 No chance, weirdo.
Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, right: Mega Man & Bass. Unfortunately, the title doesn't refer to Mega Man's rocking abilities (if it did, he'd be in Shadaloo pretty damn quick), but to the fact that there are two playable characters, both playing through the exact same story. There's this robot called King (I like him), and Mega Man wants to beat him up (I don't like that). Then Wily shows up, because you apparently can't have a Mega Man game without him. Yet there's something innovative about this game, at least compared to other Mega Man games: the Bass side. I think it's finally clear why Wily split with Dr. Light: Light sucks at making robots. Also, he sounds like a mush-mouthed freak, but that's a subject for another day. Right now, we talk about Dr. Wily's robo-prowess. Not only did he make Sigma before Mega Man jammed an X on his name and went through puberty, but he also made Bass, who's like Mega Man, but much, MUCH better.
 
I'd tell you to imagine X, but he's even better than the older Blue Bomber who still wears panties (WHY DOES MEGA MAN NEED PANTIES!?). For one, he can fire a billion shots instead of one pussy charge. He also knows that bullets fly in directions other than horizontal, and that bullets aren't the only things allowed to move. Granted, he can't slide, but not only does he have an X dash thingy, but he can also wall jump. Better yet, he doesn't need a wall to do wall jumps; he's so badass, he can wall jump off the air! Why would you ever play as Mega Man? No, seriously, why do I need to play as Mega Man? Don't be fooled by the little gaps Bass can't slide under, as this game is designed primarily around Bass, meaning there are some jumps that the Blue Bomber won't be able to jump. Rush won't be here to help you, you creep; this is all you. And you all suck.
 
Something just struck me: this game is lacking in A LOT. Yes, I know, several things: it's a portable game (based on an SNES one), and it has two characters (playing through the same quest), but that's no excuse to get rid of shit like Energy Tanks and Rush! And for what? Level design so damn lazy that I can't be bothered to come up with a decent joke for it, its laziness having spread to me? Oh...wait, I see now: pretty decent weapons. That's what the whole trade-off was about. It's a return to form, with weapons that have uses outside "kill things." There's an item-grabbing ninja star, a Ninja Gaiden II-esque shadow clone, a ninja moving wall, and several other ninja-y weapons you can use in the field. When it comes to battling, however, things get a bit weird. Gone are the Hollywood Squares of old, and in is this weird branching system of choosing bosses. I guess it's meant to lead you to a certain boss's weakness, something the game does a lot. I guess it's finally admitting that it's a Mega Man game, and that the only way to beat Pirate Man is to beat his kneecaps in with the Ninja Bat. Well done, Bass! You get the Better Mega Man Award. But nothing for you, Mega Man. Not until you stop being pedo-bait.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Just play the SNES version, it's much better.
  • Typical Mega Man fare, only not as good.
  • Bass rocks. Skip Mega Man.
 
 
 
 
You know how you see old guys playing chess in the park? Well, that's what it's like up here. In fact, I brought these two guys up to the Moon just to make this video. What they don't know is that those Pac Men roam our wilds, serrated teeth and all. Horrifying, isn't it?
 
 

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

( Why can't I find a decent WRPG?) I know that statement is controversial, so let me kill the notion now: I'm not saying that there aren't decent WRPGs, just that I've yet to find one. Fallout 3 was stuck between genres; Fable II pretty much sucked; Shadowrun sucked, too; I'd say something about the original Fallout, but I barely play it, so instead, I'll talk about Oblivion. Actually, that's gonna be awkward, since I'm sure that this will resemble my Fallout 3 blog, only less a paragraph and absolutely drenched in medieval fantasy.
 
Hell, that made itself pretty damn obvious when I tried to shove Bushwald Sexyface into the world of Cyrodiil. Immediately, I realized a major problem: the character creation sucks, at least compared to Fallout 3. No face is truly sexy, and the game thinks albinos look like glow-in-the-dark Jokers. Worst of all, though, is that I could not give Bushwald Sexyface a mustache. HOW CAN HE BE CALLED A SEXYFACE WITHOUT THE MUSTACHE OF THE SEXY!? "Don't worry", I though, "I'll just say that a magic spell desexyfied him, and the guards decided that such ugly must be in a jail cell." And so he waited, trying in vain to grow a mustache, when the Emperor came in and told him that the world was in danger and that he was the key to rescuing it. And then he died, not even telling me what role I play in this adventure. Turns out that your role is actually rather minimal, serving only to progress the story for other characters. Sure, you do some important things like fetch some jewelry or close a billion f'ing Oblivion gates, but the focus is never on you. The story's decent enough, but it just feels weird that your role is, at best, a page-turner.
 
  See? No face is truly sexy in Oblivion Land.
 See? No face is truly sexy in Oblivion Land.
Which is a bit odd, given that the game offers a shitton of role-playing options. Don't like the classes you're given? Create your own! Because the character limit wouldn't allow it, I made my character part of the Sexyface class, which it defined as a hyper-charismatic telepathical knight. Yet I found that speech is a pointless mini-game with no end result, so I ended up turning Bushwald Sexyface into this insane kleptomaniac of sorts. That hit the fan quickly, for two reasons. First, Cyrodiil apparently hired its guards from Nazi Germany. Second, you can't steal EVERYTHING, since you'll eventually be too heavy to move. Hell, there were times when I died from carrying too much shit. Or maybe I just died from wolfing down all my food in one sitting, and all my potions in, like, 80 more. Oh, right, that reminds me: you can brew potions, too. Shit, you can do pretty much anything in this game. You can even Solid Snake your way into a guy's room to progress through a mission. What can you not do in this game?
 
Hey, look at that, this game has combat. Like the above stuff, there's a ton of options, but none of them are any good, especially the useless feature to talk to your enemies. Now that we have that out of our system, wanna try your hand at magic? OK, straightforward, works well if you have enough healing potions to drown a hospital; but since most of your alchemic endeavors will result in Restore Fatigue, you'll need to dedicate magic to healing only. Maybe support if you want to be fancy. Still want ranged attacks? This isn't an FPS (even though it still behaves like one in third person), and your shots will be delayed (unless you use a magical De-Sexing Stick, but they all run on batteries that nobody seems to have). Also, you can't recycle arrows, Mr. Economical, so that leaves one option: running like a bitch. Oh, I meant to say "swordplay." There's actually a bit of strategy in knowing when to block, slash, pull back, and not following those rules results in stunning, disease, and death. Notice how I said "a bit"; that's because you'll just block until they whack you, then slash at them until they can be sold at a deli. Either that, or you keep going in and out of doors, slashing at enemies while the materialize without their shields.
 
And so we come to the biggest problem with this game, which is oddly the one thing that people mention as soon as they hear the word "oblivion": the immersion. I can't see how this game can be immersive, mainly because of how glitchy the whole thing is. It makes itself pretty clear on this early on, when you emerge from the sewers and see (along with serious contrast issues) a hillside across the lake that makes you think you need glasses. Swim across, find a fortress, and then get attacked by INVISIBLE BEARS! These aren't magic bears, either, since they came back to vision as soon as they died. I attempted to tell the nearby townsfolk of the Predator bears, but they weren't impressed with my discovery. Maybe it was because they lived near Invisible Bear Battlements; or maybe it's because they were growing second mouths just so they could talk and drink at the same time. I think it was a defense tactic to distract me from the fact that there are only 12 people doing voices. It didn't. 
 
  Fuck you, SquarePants.
 Fuck you, SquarePants.
Of course, I know why this game is so glitchy: it's an open-world game, and a good one. Yea, I know, it sucks as an RPG (any game that makes you sleep to level up needs to be sent to a time where such things die on contact), but if you want to dick around, there's no better game for doing so. If you can think of it, chances are it's waiting for you in the vast world of Cyrodiil (which I'm convinced is actually a drug of some type). Caves and forts litter the landscape, waiting to be plucked of their riches; citizens will offer up sidequests if you talk to them the right way; oh, and did I mention that I once summoned an army of wolves upon a small group of religious nuts? There are no words to describe the childlike elation that such a thing brings....except for the ones I used right there. Really, the only flaw is that it doesn't know how awesome the open-world thing is, given that you can (and are kinda expected to) skip parts of the world, and that the game does everything in its power to make riding horses as unfun as possible. It's like the game is trying to be as unlikeable as Spongebob!
 
No, you don't understand that last joke: I really, really, REALLY hate Spongebob Squarepants. Firstly, he's got to be the most offensive thing to Asians since....holy shit, SpongeBob SquarePants! Second, Christ, that piece of crap is annoying. The early episodes were OK, but lately, his adventures have mostly consisted of him either being awarded for his absolute idiocy or torturing those around him with no consequences for doing so. How can people still like him when he's beating people up because he thought they looked like pinatas? I'm still confused on how he can hold down a job when he should logically be dead by now. Worse yet, poor Squidward has to put up with a lot of shit, living next to him. I'm surprised that he hasn't drank the Kool-Aid yet. Or that people haven't called out the show for being anti-intellectual. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right: Professor Brothers Award. You are dismissed.
 

Review Synopsis

  • The actual role-playing parts of this RPG are really weak, even if they're not trying to be.
  • The open world portions are actually pretty decent, even if the game doesn't want them to be.
  • Fuck SpongeBob Squarepants.
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