Why are these titties so confusing? (Probably NSFW.)
By Video_Game_King 22 Comments
Wiz 'n' Liz: The Frantic Wabbit Wescue
( Wait, did I beat this in a day?) Didn't I just do a blog on that? Why am I getting so many games that end faster than dumps I've taken? It's not like I'm playing Atari games, either; Mickey's Ultimate Challenge was an SNES game, and this one was on the Genesis. Wait, I think I figured it out: misleading titles make for stupidly short game. Mickey's Ultimate Challenge was about as ultimate as soggy toast, and Wiz 'n' Liz features no urinating reptiles. Also, because I know I'll never get another chance to use this joke, Sonic Adventure DX wins the Most Honest Video Game Title Award, at least when you focus on the DX part.
However, I'm guessing that part of that is due to the fact that levels are about two minutes long. You rarely run out of time, given that it's stupidly easy to spell words, especially when you're not spelling them. Unlike Word Runner, it doesn't matter what order you collect the letters in, so it's less spelling and more collecting things that make words. This only becomes more apparent later in the game, when you have to rescue all the bunnies in the level (yet still have to spell words, for whatever dumb reason). But let's say that you somehow find yourself low on time. What's that? You see some clocks you can collect? Shit, you only have five seconds! Better hurry! Good, you've collected it, and your time is up by....-2 seconds? The fuck? Oh, that's right! Those clocks don't refill your time now; they give you more time for the next round. Oh, might as well mention that this is the only way to refill your time and not die, and it sucks. I know, the levels are small and your character feels like Sonic put on a wizard outfit, but it still causes a lot more unnecessary deaths than I want. (In case your wondering, the amount of unnecessary deaths I want is usually equal to how many gladiators I could force into the arena when I'm bored.)
Wait, I forgot that there's a magic feature in this game. You know why I forgot? It never comes up. Ever. I've seen FAQs detailing all the fruit combinations and spells you can get from them, but it doesn't mean anything if you never have a reason to use the spells. Also, you don't really get a choice in which fruits you get, so again, it has about as much point as a circle. I imagine that it comes up later in the game, but Wiz 'n' Liz ends before I can get that far. Again, I know that the game continues on longer difficulties, but again, I don't know which difficulty's which, even though it says so in the first link. Even if I did know, they still took the "harder difficulty=more content" thing too far; you're supposed to add one level to the end, not get rid of 80% of the game. That's probably the biggest flaw, since if they let me play the whole game on any difficulty I wanted, I'd give it a few more points. But they didn't, so I'm giving it the Sex with Me Award for Predictably Disappointing Reasons.
Review Synopsis
- It just cuts off before it can e-
You probably don't know this about me, but I'm actually transitioning into something you don't know about me, rather than saying that I want to know Japanese, or that I live on the Moon. Anyway, same intro before, but I know more about Yu-Gi-Oh than I feel comfortable knowing. That's why I love seeing somebody tearing the series a new asshole, even if they never address the important questions, like why Yugi's clothes perfectly fit when he doubles in height, or why the writers jammed in a stupid dice subplot.
Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em
( This is not the title I chose, believe it or not.) Instead, the original title for this blog was "I didn't expect things to be this quick." Hell, even without this stupid alteration, it could've worked. But then I noticed that there are more perverts in the community than just AjayRaz, since everybody confused "titles" with " titties." I can't imagine what you guys would think of the word "subtitles." (Hint: women do not have subtitties, no matter how much you want them to.) Because of you, I was forced to play a game relevant to the title: Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
I somehow first noticed the box art when I played this game. Not a lot of people talk about this, but the game calls itself "Swedish Erotica." I can think of several things wrong with that, the most important being that Sweden is not sexy. It looks like a flaccid penis and its people dress like they just don't care. Of course, I'm not an expert on sexy, so let me ask said expert if Sweden is sexy. Come on, what'd you expect? That's what I kept yelling while playing this game. Like many Atari games/pornos, there's no story, so I decided to make one up. Two women with five-o-clock shadows are choking, and they need help dislodging whatever's stuck in their throats. Since it's porn, I'm assuming that it's invisible dick. How do they get rid of the invisible dick of choking? Well, there's this guy on a roof, and he just drank a billion Gatorades. That's right, he's pissing into their mouths, not cumming. Sperm is not yellowish, deal with it. Besides, I doubt women would lick their lips after each round if they were swallowing something that isn't Gatorade. Despite the refreshing Lemon Lime Piss shower, they never quite get rid of their invisible mouth dicks. Even by my made-up standards, the story sucks; that's a new low. It fails to explain a lot of key story elements, like why their nipples are erect enough to carve stone, why they're punished for letting the guy piss on the ground, or why game overs result in the city behind you exploding.
So of course, we finally come to the big question I managed to avoid for the entire blog: can I jerk off to this game? As you guys should know, I'm biased on that question, given that I don't understand how pornographic gaming is supposed to work, so let me rephrase the question: does this game compare to regular jerking off? In this, I am an expert; I fuck my hand so much that it's illegal for me to make a fist without an OB-GYN present. So give me a minute to compare the two.......No, masturbation is better, even if it has less horrified screaming, if that's possible. I'd make a blog specifically about masturbation, but I think I did that when I made my FF12 blog back in my GameSpot days. But this isn't about FF12, no matter how much I hate it; it's about Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em, the crappy Kaboom rip-off. Wait, I've already exhausted all my BE&EE material, so I should probably just give it the award and be done with it. Sweden Award for Most Unsexy Behavior. You are dismissed.
Review Synopsis
- These women move all over the place so fast, you'd think that they don't want a mouth full of dick fluid.
- There are sexier games out there.
- Holy shit, the music is so appropriate.
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