Why won't March overwhelm me sooner?

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Drill Dozer

( I'm surprised that my last blog wasn't as huge as it should've been.) Maybe it's the Bush jokes, maybe it's the fact that nobody reads this damn thing, but it seems nobody was interested in George W. Bushwald and his deafening puberty. (Is it just me, or is "George W. Bushwald and the Deafening Puberty" a great band name?) Which really sucks, since this blog consists of an obscure GBA platformer and a game that lasts less time than an episode of House if you suck. Like this game. Sort of.
Is this one better than the last few? Or is it still made out of Twix bars?
Is this one better than the last few? Or is it still made out of Twix bars?
As the title clearly suggests, the main feature of this game is the giant, spinning penis extension mounted to the front of your tank. You can spin it two ways, although more often than not, using just the one way works just fine. Of those times when you actually do need to hold down the L button, it feels rather gimmicky and unnecessary, like when you find yourself unscrewing the poorly-constructed enemies. So now we're left with one button you'll use A LOT, which I don't criticize the game for. What I do criticize the game for is knowingly being repetitive. Why knowingly? Oh, several reasons, the first of which is some stupid gear system. You can pretty much drill through anything in the game, provided that you have enough gears for your drill thing. What's that? Why don't they carry over between levels? Fuck you, that's why! Apparently, our protagonist starts each level by shifting directly into the nonexistent fifth gear and nobody tells her that it's a stupid idea.
Yes, a SHE. Now the penis extension makes perfect sense, since she's using it to replace the penis she doesn't have. After all, it's gotta suck when you're the only girl there; you have to prove yourself to all 1 of the guys who aren't surprised that you have tits. Seriously, what the hell does it take to get them to focus on her? Uncovering an evil plot? Apparently not, since that leads absolutely nowhere? OK then, what about collecting shiny diamonds? Besides being pretty sexist, that leads nowhere, too, other than something about them being evil or whatever. If you haven't caught on yet, I'm describing the story in a very obvious way, reminiscent of.....f'ing Drill Dozer. Wow, that became cyclical very fast. How can we possibly become cyclical any faster? Actually, that's a bad idea, since the Prince of Persia half of this blog will inevitably become doused in puke and fiery nacho farts.
But, tempting fate, I become about as cyclical as Sega and go back to the actual gameplay. As I previously mentioned, you start each level with one gear, meaning you have to plow through the levels looking for the remaining two gears. Obviously, this makes the levels pretty repetitive: continually press the R button through shit to first missing gear, repeat for second, repeat to boss, repeat all that to the end, and, why the hell not, repeat the repeating. Oh, it's not like the developers meant for it to be so monotonous; it's just that they failed at innovating, which would be odd (Nintendo game), but somehow isn't ( Game Freak). Every level or so, a new gimmick is introduced, usually to vanish into infinitely thin air, never to be discussed again. Good thing, too, since they usually fuck up the controls with their physics and...* drum roll*...REPETITION!!! Are you seeing a theme develop? No? You're a moron, so let me REPEAT it to you: REPETITION REPETITION REPETITION. I could go on about how the bosses are easier than your girlfriend on prom night, or how the only use for the B button is to make you advance the story, but that would be repetitive. More repetitive than the Repetitive Repeating Award for Repetition of Repetitive Repeating Repeats. Also, some type of palindrome.

Review Synopsis

  • The story's pretty blunt and uninteresting.
  • Imagine operating a giant drill. It's about as easy as you think it is.
  • More repetitive than a shower. (They never tell you how much to repeat.)
Man, I've been there before.

Prince of Persia

( Oh, wow, that box art is awful.) No, seriously, look at it....*waits for music to build up*...NOW! What the hell is going on? I know, jumping over spikes, but that's not what it looks like in actual game. What we have here is somebody in a goofy costume having a seizure on the kitchen floor, and there's spikes, for some reason. But we all know the Mega Man Rule: The worse the box art, the better the game. Hell, just look at The Orange Box and its Photoshop in Five Minutes feel. Or, if you really want to get out there, the SNES box art for Prince of Persia.
 And that makes three Disney references!
 And that makes three Disney references!
You know, that unlockable game in Sands of Time? What? You haven't heard of it? Come here. *hits you* That's for not knowing about this game, damn it! Eh, maybe I could excuse you for not knowing it. After all, the story's so generic that you could confuse it for Super Mario Bros if your Alzheimer's progressed far enough. The story is this: an evil vizier dude named Jaffar has this crush on the princess, but she doesn't exactly have a thing for creeps. Already, things are sounding like Aladdin, but keep in mind that this game came out three years before Robin Williams filled movie screens with weird references and absolute insanity. Besides, instead of trapping the princess in an hourglass, this Jaffar makes her watch an hourglass for two hours (apparently, this version lasts through TWO episodes of House)(twohourglass? Who the hell knows?) before she makes a decision. Not two game hours where time only passes if you've spoken with NPC#49428923; no, this is REAL TIME. Of course, we can all see the flaw in this: she has an opportunity to say no, two hours to escape, and, somehow, a random youth in the dungeons of this palace can stab his way to her heart. Only, you know, emotionally, not physically.
Actually, that's a bit disingenuous, as there's not much stabbing to be found in this game, and what stabbing is there is, according to Prince of Persia tradition, weak and underdeveloped. Your only options are walk forward, stab, parry, and commit suicide. Provided your enemy doesn't parry you into a series of what seems to be pointing out the various mustard stains on each others' shirts, the only strategy is "walk up to enemy, stab them, repeat until they're dead or they fall into dead." So why have it? How much fun do you think it would be to make a game about running around only, no combat whatsoever? Wrong answer, asshole. *stabs you, is parried, stabs you again, pushes you into spike trap* The right answer was "actually rather decent." Every level feels like one huge puzzle you have to solve, jumping about and searching for the right combination of switch flipping that will let you reach that princess. Throw in some reflex-based gameplay that makes you feel super-awesome for doing things your fat body won't allow, and you have a perfect game, right?
Almost. This is where things take a turn for the worse: realism. The one thing gamers wish for in all their games, not knowing the result of it. HERE IS YOUR RESULT!!! GAZE UPON IT IN HORROR!!!! OK, to be perfectly honest, the realism in this game isn't that bad. After all, it gave us some really cool animations and a legitimate excuse for the difficulty level of the game. Most of the time. Some of the time, however, you'll find that the game killed you off because the damn prince wouldn't bother grabbing onto the ledge at any given time. Or that he wouldn't jump at the last minute because there's no animation for that. (Actually, there is, Mr. Mechner. It's called "EVERY ACTION MOVIE EVER".) It's not game destroying, since most levels last a few minutes and the worst punishment is returning to the beginning of the level, but it's still kind of annoying. Other than that, a decent game with a lot of legitimate variety (unlike that OTHER game *coughs, points up*) and the Sands of Time Award for Changing Absolutely Nothing Over 14 Years. Awesome.

Review Synopsis

  • The Jaffar from Aladdin was a more efficient planner than this one.
  • Why did I just press the down button? Do I want him to stab me? I want to stab him! And nothing else.
  • OK, maybe I want to jump about the levels and stuff. Just as soon as they fix that realism thing.