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Video_Game_King

So is my status going to update soon, or will it pretend that my Twitter account hasn't existed for about a month?

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Uh...yea...this probably won't end well.

By Video_Game_King 13 Comments


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Halo: Reach

( Oh shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.) Why did I do this? Why did I tempt the fates in such a brazen manner? MY HUBRIS SHALL END ME!!! Wait, I remembered that not all of you have followed this blog from the beginning. Lucky you. I have, and I remember a time when I blogged about Halo, and it didn't end well. Hell, it didn't even look like it was gonna end for a while. Then again, I did blog about a Halo game again, and that didn't result in a terrible shit storm. Then again, I actually liked that game.
 
I also understood it. That game was about some random ODST fuck searching the streets of New Mombasa for clues as to what happened to his buddies. Also, something about rescuing a squid computer from the Covenant. In Reach, I can only get the general picture: the Covenant is kicking Reach's (is Reach Earth? I never figured that part out) ass so hard that it's now vomiting shit. Also, you discover Cortana, so I guess this is a prequel, but let's not focus on that. Instead, I want to go back to the Covenant thing, which is one part of the story that works really well. Things genuinely feel bleak and hopeless, especially at the (extremely abrupt) end of the game. I won't spoil too much, since I couldn't understand a lot of what was going on, but I will say that the game ends with one of those "you'll get to the end sooner if you just kill yourself" ordeals. Why do you have to die? I have no fucking clue, because this game is a very confusing action movie. I can never really make out what the hell is going on outside a few odd points (how do you fall in space?). Hell, there were times where I wasn't even sure if the character I played in the last level was the same as the guy in the level I was currently playing. Oh, wait, that reminds me of something: the characters. There's a huge emphasis on them. Hell, the game begins by throwing you into the character creator mode...only to abandon your model in favor of its own group of robo-soldier things for the story. (I guess it's multiplayer.) I couldn't exactly recognize all of them (I got about as far as the skull and the cat), although that may be just me. All I know is that they are part of an elite team of Spartans sent on only the most dangerous of mi-and that is where the problems start.
 
 Oh, I should also mention that, at least compared to other first person shooters, the physics in this game feel kind of really effing insane. Take that as you will.
 Oh, I should also mention that, at least compared to other first person shooters, the physics in this game feel kind of really effing insane. Take that as you will.
You know what I liked most about ODST? Two things: the "you're not of much importance" aspect, since it justified running away like a pussy, and the revamped health system, which made the regenerating health less like an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I think I covered the first, so I'll focus on the second: regenerating health is back. OK, fine, there is some type of secondary health system, but I've seen that regenerate quite a bit, so for the most part, you're stuck with regenerating health. This means that battles are just gonna be kinda easy and repetitive as you burst out from hiding to shoot a couple of dudes before going back to cover. The only exception is when enemies sometimes flush you out of cover; at this point, the battle usually becomes a bit of a clusterfuck. You're shooting some guy, but then somebody shoots you, but you can't figure out where they are, and another guy's shooting at you, but you can actually see this guy, and WHERE DID THAT GRENADE COME FROM!? I'm still getting used to how left trigger throws grenades, so don't throw any at me! Speaking of which, the weapons in this game are all over the place. You have pistols, shotguns, assault rifles, sniper rifles, blah blah blah who cares about that shit? You want some of the cool stuff? Head onto the Covenant side. There, you'll get some overheating pistols, some more overheating pistols, a needler...man, I am making this sound far worse than it actually is. Trust me, the Covenant has the better shit, especially when you get into the melee weapons. What's not to enjoy about running into battle with this playing in the back of your mind? Nothing; there is nothing not to enjoy about stabbing guys with an impractical sword.
 
Now that I think about it, Halo: Reach does a lot to infuse some spice and variety into the experience. Unfortunately, Reach doesn't really know how to work the spices, so it amounts to throwing paprika all over the place, sometimes hitting food and making it taste better. Wait, what was I talking about? Right: the vehicles. They exemplify whatever the hell I just said better than anything else. For example, one level has you piloting a spaceship and shooting things like a very dizzy Fox McCloud. It's kinda simple, but it actually works pretty well. Again, Star Fox. Fast forward a level or two, and you're piloting an Avatar helicopter-plane. My first experiences with it amounted to me frantically searching for the elevation button before I inevitably fell past the explosion line (here's a fun meta-game: try to discover all the random ways you can make your vehicles explode), causing my ship to burst into flames, somehow. So, yea, not good, much like driving a non-flying vehicle. OK, I should probably be more specific: like driving a regular ass car. You can't really shoot, so you have to rely on your partners for that task. Unfortunately, they have some extremely weird priorities, shooting whatever they feel like instead of what they should kill. If you want to drive something that's efficient at killing things, I'd recommend the Ghost. Or the Banshee. Or some other spirity name. Christ, why does the Covenant get all the cool shit? It's no wonder that they did whatever the hell they did. Was it taking over Reach?
 
Oh, and there's Forge. It allows you to make stupid shit like this.
Oh, and there's Forge. It allows you to make stupid shit like this.
Again, I can't tell. You know what would help this situation? Some focus, so I'd know where the hell I'm going and what I'm supposed to do. Actually, I knew that most of the time (therefore invalidating some of this paragraph), but it could have been better. Objectives don't always appear on either of your radar things, so in some areas, I just ended up wandering around and shooting things until I got back on track. Why can't objectives pop up when I need them? Hell, you have all these random challenges come out of nowhere every few minutes. What do these things do? How do I accomplish them? Are they multiplayer? Do they do anything with the achievements? The only question I found an answer to was that last one: no, they are not achievements. They're something else that the game doesn't really explain. The achievements, on the other hand, are OK. You have your "complete Xth mission" types that reveal how long the game is, some "do this special thing in this level" types, some "complete the game on this difficulty" crap, and a bunch of others that do their job well enough. OK, now I'm losing focus.
 
I might as well end on the power-up system and head for the bunker. Yes, there is a power-up system in this game, probably to set it apart from the other Halo games. You can do something with your armor, something else with your armor, project holograms and pretend that you're in BioShock, but who cares about that shit? Two words, or possibly one word, because the English language is a fickle bitch: jetpacks. I probably should have led with this, but Reach has jetpacks. Do I need to say more? They're jetpacks, so they're automatically awesome. They add this cool predatory feel to the game as you shoot them as you stomp on their faces. You better hope that they don't have a jetpack, though, because that will launch you back in Clusterfuck County. How? Well, have you seen a cartoon where they show fairies dancing in the air or whatever, flying about gracefully? Now imagine that those fairies were trying to shoot each other. It's less awesome than it sounds, even though the math doesn't add up (how does double jetpack not mean double awesome?). Normally, I'd call this an awesome system and leave it at that, but there's one major flaw that I have to point out: sprinting is considered a power-up. That is all. Not about Reach, but about the power-up system. Here's all about Reach: it tries to inject some variety, and it works some of the time, but it's not as good as ODST was. Now I just need to do one thing before I wrap things up. *lights self on fire* There. How can you flame somebody who is ALREADY ON FIRE!? *maniacal laughter*
 

Review Synopsis

  • It's Halo. Let's just leave it at that.
  • There are jetpacks. Again, that is all.
  • From what I can tell, the Covenant always has it better.
 
 
 
 
Congratulations, random ROM hacker. You managed to make something already vaguely creepy even creepier.
  
  

Cho Aniki: Kyuukyoku Muteki Ginga Saikyou Otoko

( Well, this was certainly an insane endeavor.) I'm pretty sure this beats Halo: Reach in terms of how insane I was to undertake it. Or it would if this was the first Cho Aniki game I blogged about. Instead, it just ranks as "incredibly insane." I mean, just look at it. This game features things like dodging ass rocks, a man being the penis of another man, and something that would make that Majora's Mask horror story shit its pants. (Relax, they have underwear on.) If you don't find any of that gay, then you must live in 1961, given your obvious and painful denial that homosexuality is a thing.
 
You'd have to be in some pretty strong denial, too, because this game is gayer than a dick growing large enough to suck another dick. After that terrifying intro, you get into the game and find out...absolutely nothing. It's really hard to make out anything that's going on at all. All that was clear was that there were gods involved, so I'm assuming that they're the Gods of Gay. I'd pick some random religion for a punchline, but it's hard to choose when they all sound so gay (a bunch of well-toned guys rocking beards and shirts that barely cover their man-meat? Does my copy of the Poetic Edda come with a bottle of lube?). Normally, I'd explain away my lack of understanding by pointing out that the game is entirely in Japanese, but I honestly can't imagine this making sense in any language. This game is just that insane, but is it that gay? Yes. Every level is stuffed to the brim with naked men shooting things at you. Of course "naked men shooting at you" isn't nearly as gay as it sounds, so I'm guessing that's why the fine people at Crotch Sausage Inc. decided that if lots of gay wasn't enough, then it was time to get creative with their gay. Remember that dick-sucking-dick joke I made at the beginning of this paragraph? They made it come true. The scary part about it, though? The game gets gayer. I assume that the pre-boss bald guy was warning me of that very thing, but I didn't listen. Oh, if only I hadn't such hubris!
 
 Also, you can play as Ben 10. Somehow. It's best not to question Cho Anki.
 Also, you can play as Ben 10. Somehow. It's best not to question Cho Anki.
Unfortunately, most of my notes were on how insanely gay this game is, so don't expect a lot out of me for gameplay. Hell, don't expect a lot of gameplay in general. It's a shmup, and Tops and Bottoms began this game with a barely dressed muscleman in a Viking helmet spinning through the sky and shooting things, the predictable fucks. This isn't how the entire game operates, and it doesn't happen a lot, but I'll explain it anyway: your shots are huge, and they destroy bullets, so the gay Viking god parts of the game are pretty easy. However, most of that sentence obviously does not apply to the rest of the game. (You'll see why I said "most" soon enough.) For example, you are not very huge. You are just the two gods I listed in the picture on the left. Yes, that is a character select screen, so I imagine that you're just choosing which character you don't control directly or whatever. The point is that you get two guys to control, potentially turning this game into one of those challenging Ikaruga videos...unless you move into any given corner; at that point, you've just combined them into one, destroying an entire gameplay function in one fell swoop.
 
If you want to do that to the rest of the game, then go ahead and do it, because this game is piss easy and incredibly forgiving, unlike many parents who saw their children playing this game. Even if you disregard the gay Norse portions of the game, you still have to deal with the fact that everything is really easy to dodge. Hell, I'm pretty sure that this was the birth of the bullet heaven genre. But let's pretend that you can't avoid a bullet, possibly because you find the piles of naked men (refer to my last link) distractingly erotic. If that's the case, then even then, you don't have to worry about being hit. Coming to your rescue is a gay hunk of man meat! Did you expect anything else? You should have, because this is one of those shields that harms the enemy, like...I don't know. The point is that for some of the incredibly insane bosses, you can just sit in one area and watch as they just take that punishment like a man. Like the nearly naked man you're using to kill them. But let's throw all logic out the window (like Clam Kisses clearly did so long ago) and assume that you somehow get hit. What happens? You lose a sublife of your regular lives, and you come back with only a demotion of your weapon. Given that there's only one weapon that only powers up one way, it isn't as crippling as it seems, especially since many enemies just burst open with power-up goodies. Imagine Aleste, only with more naked guys. Actually, that's probably a good way to sell this game, since that way, you forget how easy and bare-bones it is. Speaking of selling, this game is actually available in America. None of you are safe from that blue thing. NONE OF YOU!
 

Review Synopsis

  • There is only one game gayer than this: "What's on the Other End of the Glory Hole."
  • Yet while nobody wins that game ("penis" is too general), nobody loses at this one.
  • Also, not a lot of options for shooting people.
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