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ZombiePie

To each and every one of you reading this; be kind, earnest, and nice to those around you.

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ZombiePie's End Of The Year 2022 Multimedia Extravaganza!

Author's Note: Hello there! My name is ZombiePie, and I am a Giant Bomb forum and wiki moderator. Every year I look at the various sources of entertainment I enjoy and dislike. During my awards show, I pit games, television shows, animes, athletics, albums, board games, and movies in a fight to the death! As such, my awards are more "special commendations" and are open to any medium I consumed during the last year.

Additionally, you can expect to see classic and current works of entertainment vying for the top positions of each merit and demerit on this blog. Oh, and one more thing, there are SPOILERS in this blog! Before reading any of my justifications for each award recipient, keep that in mind. Also, prepare your pitchforks as things occasionally get a little "spicy!"

Best New Addition To A Fighting Game - Neco-Arc (Melty Blood: Type Lumina)

Look, I get it. Bridget in Guilty Gear -Strive- is "probably" the correct award recipient in this category. It is terrific that Arc System took one of the more problematic characters in the series and made them a source of empowerment. It shows that Arc System is an industry leader in depicting characters and character experiences involving the LGBTQIA community. But GODDAMNIT, Y'ALL! Neco-Arc in Melty Blood: Type Lumina is fucking good! And before you ask, yes. I did end up buying the game because of the funny cat lady that also happens to be a chaos god. Bite me. Her special is a roulette wheel where the best version involves her using her phone to summon Saber from Fate/Grand Order. Then, there's the special where she fills the screen with a giant version of herself as she pretends to be a VTuber. Does this do any damage to the opposing player? No, but it is funny as fuck. What if I told you one of her other specials summons a Neco-Arc clone that drags a truck tire tied to a rope, and it is almost impossible to do any notable damage to your opponent and is more of a visual goof?

With Street Fighter VI set to be a significant 2023 release, I miss when fighting games had joke characters that were absolute dogshit in the meta. I miss mainstream fighting games saying, "Fuck it!" and putting in joke characters like Bad Box Art Mega Man in Street Fighter × Tekken. I'm not saying Street Fighter VI won't have some permutation of a "Dan-like," but in today's hyper-aware world of fighting games where every bit of the online meta needs to be examined with a microscope, I miss characters like Neco-Arc. To me, the genre as a whole has matured in a way where it's not as willing to laugh at itself, and that's part of the reason why I can't help but get the slightest bit happy at seeing Neco-Arc make a bold return. Neco-Arc's damage is awful, and that's why I love her.

Runner-up: Bridget (Guilty Gear -Strive-) -

As mentioned earlier, Bridget is the "correct" answer to this category. I will add that Bridget having a messy road to their current gender identity is somehow more empowering than the whitewashed trans experiences mainstream television and Hollywood tend to provide. She's also a fun character, considering she's one of the most "true neutral" characters in modern fighting game history.

Best Meme Game - Trombone Champ

I have no idea how actual trombonists feel about this game, and don't care.
I have no idea how actual trombonists feel about this game, and don't care.

The "Meme Game" is a nebulous term these days. Some games like Moonbase Alpha have gone on to become meme games, despite not endeavoring to do so, whereas dreck like Meme Run deliberately courts the internet into a cheap joke. Virality is also a factor, with most games in this category gaining mainstream attention thanks to out-of-context video clips, Tweets, or other social media postings driving engagement and sales. Regardless of where any meme game lies on that spectrum, they rarely have any staying power beyond a year. While some might dispute that last part, especially with the two games I have picked for this award, history suggests otherwise. And before anyone chimes in about PowerWash Simulator, I disqualified it because I don't think it is a true "meme game." First, the game falls in the well-worn "simulator" genre and delivers an experience that embodies that genre in totality. Second, the attention and love given to the game was an organic groundswell because people already understood its therapeutic gameplay and what it would provide. On the other hand, Trombone Champ came out of nowhere and GREATLY benefitted from a bunch of silly meme Tweets of people misplaying it. That's a "true" meme game!

Only time will tell if Trombone Champ will buck the trend of these sorts of games having a concise shelf life. Nonetheless, at least while the game was kicking, we all had fun playing it and laughing when we couldn't get past the second stanza of a song. Is Trombone Champ a "good" rhythm game? Shit, I don't know, but it made me fucking laugh. Furthermore, I played every song in it at least once, which I only sometimes do in rhythm games. To that note, one could argue Trombone Champ doesn't want you to play it well and that you'll derive the most significant amount of joy from it from playing poorly. Likewise, with the rhythm genre dead, it was a breath of fresh air to see some life in that arena get injected into it, even if that syringe was full of sugar water, and I'm still high on the placebo effect.

Runner-Up: Choo-Choo Charles -

With Choo-Choo Charles, you have the same idea as Trombone Champ, but with a different veneer. Choo-Choo Charles has one gimmick, and your ability to accept or buy into it determines your overall opinion. Unfortunately, the game maintains its highs significantly shorter than Trombone Champ and is far more frustrating.

Best Anime of 2022 - Chainsaw Man

So, tell me in the comments how episode 7 made you feel.
So, tell me in the comments how episode 7 made you feel.

2022 was an excellent year for video games, but it was also one of the strongest years for anime in decades. Each season this year had some venerable titans and straightforward recommendations for anime newcomers and veterans. One such easy recommendation from the year was Chainsaw Man. It's a masterpiece and a rare example of a new show that we will continue to cite and point at in years to come. This individual season isn't just a riveting ride but one of the best-paced manga adaptions I have seen in a long while. The main cast all get their flowers, and there are plenty of opportunities for the show to embellish ancillary and secondary characters as well. And as someone who read the manga before watching the show, the first season has thoroughly left me waiting with bated breath to see how it tackles some of the latter story arcs, with one of particular interest.

Also, I don't know how we as a society got to this point, but there's a new wave of backlash against the show that I find abjectly terrible. I'm not even talking about the people starting a petition to get a different studio to "re-animate" the first season because those are the sorts of people you don't make direct eye contact with under any circumstances. No, some people don't enjoy episodes seven and eight, and I don't "get it." To a certain degree, I understand the uneasiness with the show's natural horniness, but every character's actions are overtly consensual; I don't see how you can't find a modicum of personality with how it conveys intimacy. In the case of episode seven, it perfectly captures the awkwardness of an intimate kiss and then delivers on the comedy. I understand there's a grossness factor, but that was the modus operandi of the source material and everything leading up to that point. Also, if you don't like the worm in episode eight, then I don't know what the fuck we are even doing anymore.

Runner-up: Spy x Family -

I struggled between Spy x Family and Mob Psycho 100 as my runner-up. The conclusion of season three of Mob Psycho might be my overall favorite thing from 2022 across all media, but I still have to give it to Spy x Family for having three of the best and most fully realized characters in 2022. Watching the show's trio navigate one ridiculous premise or set piece after another never failed to entertain. The show also strikes a pitch-perfect balance between drama and zany anime hijinks.

Most "Mid" Thing I Enjoyed - Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin

We now live in a timeline where Sinatra and Limp Bizkit are Final Fantasy canon.
We now live in a timeline where Sinatra and Limp Bizkit are Final Fantasy canon.

Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin is a video game platypus. It is a game that shouldn't work, as it has several awkward parts and pieces and is a technical shitshow. While its job system is highly rewarding and a delight to explore, the game doesn't offer enough enemy types, animations, or interesting locals to make them feel entirely fully realized. Most levels are linear corridors with a few bespoke branching paths that always lead to hidden treasure chests. Some environments are awe-inspiring re-treads of Final Fantasy classics, whereas others feel entirely phoned-in. The character models are sometimes ugly, and the format of how the game conveys its worldbuilding and story is an abject mess. However, it's a fun time, and when the game finally decides to deploy its plot, it strikes an exciting and wild tone.

I'm never in a hundred years going to argue Final Fantasy Origin is better than Elden Ring. I will, however, say that I think Origin provides a more "pure fun" experience than Elden Ring, and there are people who would seek more joy from it than From's latest outing. The game's many quality-of-life settings make for a more welcoming experience for newcomers and Souls skeptics. The game's malleable difficulty settings allow more stakeholders to wade their feet into its waters before jumping in. Unfortunately, the game also has a smattering of rough edges. The equipment and smithy systems are innately annoying to interact with and feel needless. The game also having critical parts of its story conveyed through tooltips and hidden treasure sprinkled throughout the world is equally shitty. Nonetheless, when the game boils down to Jack and his buddies having a good time punching things in the face, there's no denying it's a sight to see.

Runner-up: Digimon Survive -

I'll be short here as I have already expressed my disappointment with Digimon Survive on the site. However, the game's ending act is far better than what I characterized in that blog and does a lot to tie everything together and encourage players to invest in multiple playthroughs. That doesn't change the tactics portion of the game being very "average" and the lion's share of dialogue choices coming across as arbitrary trolley dilemmas.

Best Pick-Me-Up - Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2022)

It's good to spend time with old friends from time to time.
It's good to spend time with old friends from time to time.

2022 was an interesting year for Joel Hodgson. After Netflix axed the revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in 2019, he and the new crew he assembled were left with no clear path forward to keep the show going. Yes, the 2017-2018 revival was jumpstarted on Kickstarter. Still, Netflix's budget and platform played a role in helping the show to differentiate itself from the now better-known Rifftrax run by Michael J. Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy. So, when Hodgson announced "The Gizmoplex," wherein he and his fellow staff air reruns, host events, and post new episodes at a far more leisurely pace, I was excited but also prepared for disappointment. Familiar faces were set to appear alongside the fresh blood from the Netflix show, which tends to be a recipe for disaster.

Luckily, I was wrong. The thirteenth season of MST3K struck a delicate balance between showcasing old-school monster flicks with more modern 90s action films. It was a far more diverse spread than the usual output from RiffTrax or other imitators, which ensured the show felt both fresh and distinct in a now crowded field. Jonah Ray and Baron Vaughn are as good as ever with on-point witticisms and cultural references, and the crew's chemistry is still the best part of the show. It was refreshing to see everyone come together, sit in front of a movie screen, and riff shit like the good old days. They didn't do anything revolutionary with this project, and anyone with long-standing aversions to MST3K and RiffTrax is not likely to be swayed. However, this is an easy and pleasant recommendation for those of you that have one or two line reads from the original television program burned into your lexicon.

Runner-up: Kirby and the Forgotten Land -

This will sound mean, but Kirby games are the video game equivalent of "Oscar bait." The games are about delivering a known outcome or experience with a different package or wrapping. Kirby games elicit emotional reactions like they were designed in a chemistry lab. However, when you need a pick-me-up, there are few options better than a new Kirby game.

Most Disappointing - Science Fell in Love, So I Tried to Prove it (Season 2)

I already regret not having a worst character category.
I already regret not having a worst character category.

Trying to explain the appeal of Science Fell in Love, So I Tried to Prove it is virtually impossible to do in text. Reading a synopsis that the show involves two scientists trying to use experiments to describe their love for each other sounds like the worst shit imaginable. However, its odd mix of slice-of-life comedy, romance, and science education works far better than it has any right to, and the first season was a fun "filler show." It was a silly and upbeat exhibition that tugged on your heartstrings and mostly accomplished that task. That's partly due to its two primary characters being equal screwballs in a fanciful adventure. The show avoids the typical Manzai act, with one character playing things straight and the other being a zany anime-delivering mechanism. That template wasn't rocket science, and fans of the show, myself included, were incredibly vocal about that being why they enjoyed the show in the first place.

So, color me disappointed that the second season decided to pull the rug from underneath its fans, ramp up the melodrama, and pivot the light-hearted adventures of its two characters to be more like a soap opera. Seeing a show so dramatically shirk away from what made it even marginally novel is fucking bizarre. It's also not like the dramatic junctures lead to heartfelt moments of sentimentality or the characters refocusing their energies on each other. Instead, the show becomes a very "by the numbers" romantic dramedy with a cast of characters that feel poorly equipped for such a change in tone. As if that weren't bad enough, the second season even muddied the water by adding new secondary and recurring characters that distracted the plot from its leading actors. Again, part of the show's appeal was that it was so hyper-focused on its leads that it didn't waste your time with anime chaff. Backtracking on that feels like a complete betrayal of sorts.

Runner-up: Gotham Knights -

The minute more details emerged about how Gotham Knights would be commoditized, my interest in it plummeted. However, I was still disappointed with the final product when the game came out. The loot system remains poorly utilized, and the mission structure is often unsatisfying and cumbersome. The characterization was fine. However, the storyline involving two secret organizations vying for power doesn't congeal enough, which is a shame because the game uses the Court of Owls storyline, which remains one of my all-time favorite Batman storylines.

My Game Of The Year 2022 That Actually Released In 2022 - Pentiment

It's nice of Obsidian to release a game that is not a teeming technical trash fire for once.
It's nice of Obsidian to release a game that is not a teeming technical trash fire for once.

Breaking news, the team at Obsidian is good at writing video game stories. Shocking, I know, but after giving them a bit of guff over the last third of The Outer Worlds and their habit of releasing games "hot," it is worth highlighting their strengths from time to time. The way Pentiment makes you not only reconsider your actions and phases of investigation make it one of the most engaging experiences from 2022. Every clue or hint it provides is a double-edged sword because they very often have more than one logical path to lead you down, with only one "true" direction holding firm in the background. Also, when everything comes to a head at the end, you're once again left wondering what you could have done better and where you may have gone astray. At generously fifteen hours, it's something I had no hesitation in jumping back into after a complete playthrough.

Likewise, as Jess eloquently articulates in her 2022 GOTY list, the game makes you care about history. The game's director, J.E. Sawyer, is a self-identified history buff, and when he gets free reign to be nerdy with his worldbuilding, he goes all the way to eleven, and Pentiment is no exception. The game actively teaches you accurate historical vocabulary with pure earnestness, and I cannot help but love it for that. But the way the world around you evolves is where Pentiment truly shines. As your player character builds a rapport with even the gruffest of NPCs, they eventually come to their aid. Similarly, those you slight will hold that against you until the end. It's a tour de force of writing and a sight to see, even when it results in gnarlier situations. When I fucked another character over, and that came to bite me in the ass in the final two hours, I couldn't help but respect Pentiment's commitment.

Runner-up: Kirby and the Forgotten Lands -

After slinging a good amount of yang against Kirby, I cannot deny that I am the same rube that I was apt to pounce on in my previous diatribe. This pink marshmallow vore machine will always put a smile on my face, and the games they grace are always a joy to play. Exploring environments and testing out new outfits brought me joy in the 90s, and it is just as effective today. I'm a hypocrite; what can I say?

Most Improved - The Sacramento Kings

BEAM TEAM, BITCHES!
BEAM TEAM, BITCHES!

For the past two years, I have given my hometown sports franchise, the Sacramento Kings, a demerit. At the start of the 2022-2023 NBA season, that tradition seemed like a safe bet yet again. However, despite a few hiccups here and there, the Kings have accomplished two things they have not done prior for nigh twenty years. First, they have pioneered an offensive identity that, at times, has been the best in the league. Second, they have finally addressed their frequent chemistry issues by making De'Aaron Fox the team's centerpiece and doubling down on coach Mike Brown's up-tempo offense. It doesn't sound like much, and something the franchise could have recognized earlier to avoid maintaining the longest active post-season appearance drought in American professional sports. Yet, here we are; the Kings are fun to watch and not a national embarrassment.

I understand a lot can happen in the world of sports between publishing this blog and the official end of the 2022-2023 NBA season. That concern aside, the past three months have given me hope. It's an odd feeling I have not felt since 2006, the last time the Kings made the playoffs. The team is, at best, a "pretender" rather than a true championship contender, but considering how bad things have been since 2006, being in the playoff hunt is an appreciated improvement. And to the handful of you that do not give a shit about sports, let me explain why you should love the Sacramento Kings. At the start of this season, the Kings organization started a tradition of shooting a giant purple laser beam into the sky whenever they win a game. That's what the picture above is. I have yet to learn how this does not violate FAA regulations, but it is a giant pillar of purple light you can see from miles away from the arena.

Runner-up: Westworld Season 4 -

Westworld's fourth and final season was far from perfect. However, when you consider where the third season left its world and characters, it's a writing miracle that it avoided being absolute dreck. Yes, things end on a cliffhanger that will never be resolved, given the show's cancellation, but at least some of the better characters got to shoot the shit out of things one last time before the lights went off.

The Most "Fans Of The Genre Will Enjoy This" Thing I Played - Star Ocean: The Divine Force

Welcome to Star Ocean, I love you.
Welcome to Star Ocean, I love you.

As stated in the first episode of my retrospective on Lightning Returns, tri-Ace is an "interesting" developer, especially if you are a JRPG fan. They started things off with Star Ocean, Star Ocean: The Second Story, and Valkyrie Profile within three years. Following Valkyrie Profile, the studio decided to kick things back and take things noticeably slower with Star Ocean: Till the End of Time. And as I articulated before, Till the End of Time represents a turning point in tri-Ace's history as its highly controversial story choices flogged them into wanting to avoid taking high risks with a project ever again. And so, here we are with the studio lurching towards bankruptcy after losing millions in the gacha industry. This is why many people have characterized Star Ocean: The Divine Force as their "last ditch effort" not to shutter their office permanently. The studio took SIX YEARS to make this game following the highly anemic Star Ocean: Integrity and Faithlessness, and promised to deliver on the franchise's higher points. In that regard, they mostly missed the mark, but not severely enough to summarily dismiss Divine Force.

Divine Force is a perfectly good video game that feels like it is trying to be its own thing instead of chasing after other industry zeitgeists like Integrity and Faithlessness. The game utilizes a refined version of Last Hope's combat system with tri-Ace's love for rhythm and juggling thrown into the mix. However, I still can't call Star Ocean: The Divine Force a "return to form" for the series, considering how poorly it compares to the first three titles in the franchise. If you are in for anime wackiness and pie-in-the-sky storytelling, be warned, you are not getting that with Divine Force. In fact, Divine Force might be the most competently straightforward story the studio has ever told. It exists within the limits of your typical anime logic and heart-wrenchingly attempts to convey stories of war-torn countries and refugees like a serious Star Ocean outing. The plot twist of Till the End of Time continues to be a looming specter the series refuses to reconcile, and tri-Ace continues to refuse to take spectacular risks that made them a name worth rooting for in the past. But at the end of the day, the game is "solid," and that's at least worth something.

Runner-up: Soul Hackers 2 -

Remember how Atlus Co., Ltd. released a video game in 2022? Boy, Soul Hackers 2 sure came and went! And who can blame people for not being enthused by this incredibly workmen-like outing by the Devil Summoner series? The game has some fun story-related moments, but those are stuck between some of the most uninspired and frustrating level designs from Atlus since Tartarus in Persona 3. That's not to say Soul Hackers 2 is a bad time, but it compares unfavorably to practically every game Atlus has put out for the past ten years.

Best Tactics Game - Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters

SPACE MARINES!
SPACE MARINES!

As covered by ArbitraryWater, 2022 was an AMAZING year for tactics games. Since the reboot XCOM games struck a chord with audiences and players, a new batch of games has refined and redefined many of the genre's hallmarks to allow more stakeholders and studios to join the tactics game mix. Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters is a by-the-numbers XCOM clone on paper. It has random events, a turn-based navigable overworld, and tech trees. It also uses the expected hunkering down and cover systems that are now codified gameplay tropes. It has scripted missions that can feel punishingly difficult, and it enjoys talking directly at you more than and longer than it should. The game also has a severe issue with balance, wherein a few Space Marine classes far exceed others in the grand campaign. However, it still provides one of the more accessible entry points into the world of Warhammer 40K and even throws a handful of interesting new ideas into the tactics game stew to keep things spicy.

Chaos Gate has also taken many criticisms directed at Firaxis' modern tactics games to heart. One thing that makes Chaos Gate an improvement over XCOM 2 is how it incentivizes you to move forward in a battle. Often, it will provide scenarios in which the only winning strategy is to move forward. When it sends endless streams of foes, if you can waste them, it has the decency of refunding your characters their ability points, so it better maintains its free-flowing pace. Speaking of avoiding common Firxis pitfalls, the boss encounters in Chaos Gate are highly entertaining, cinematic, and a delight when they are not caving in your teeth. Even when shit goes sideways, I didn't feel as demotivated about trying again as I normally am when I run into what I usually perceive to be a poorly designed boss encounter in the XCOM series.

Runner-up: Marvel's Midnight Suns -

Midnight Suns is another game that falls into the "more than the sum of its parts" bag. Technically, the game has plenty of rough edges and has a ton of ancillary sub-systems and mechanics that reek of Firaxis playing Three Houses more than a few times. Nonetheless, the core gameplay more than delivers on a satisfying hero-based romp with plenty of twists and turns as well as fun shooting-the-shit moments with the likes of Wolverine and Blade.

The "Eh, Okay, You Got There Eventually" Award - Andor

Lutheran Rael is the best character in Andor and none of you are changing my mind.
Lutheran Rael is the best character in Andor and none of you are changing my mind.

The perceived "slow start" to Andor has many a would-be YouTube video essayist hot and bothered about whether the show justifies said slow start. I flip-flop on the issue considering the show's conclusion more than makes up for the first two episodes but concede the worldbuilding is poorly paced at times. The precise lengths the first three episodes go to paint a whole picture about the universe the show exists in and why the characters are doing what they are doing could have been spaced apart rather than entirely front-loaded. However, the show values a wholeness to its world we have not seen since the likes of the original trilogy, and its conclusion is one of the better Hollywood spectacles you'll see from 2022. It's weird calling a thing with the Star Wars label "art," but that's how I feel about the whole of Andor now that the dust has settled, and I think the performances put out by its cast are some of the best in the franchise.

If anything, Andor is another case of modern Star Wars showing how it works better as a series of one-offs rather than a collection of epic trilogies that need to work with each other in lock-step synchronicity. I never want to give Disney any credit considering they own an entire generation's childhood, but I wouldn't blame them if they put the kibosh on all future trilogy projects and stuck with one-offs or spin-offs for the next decade. That is, unless they are willing to work with someone that is willing to stick with a singular vision for three whole movies that can also thread the needle between mainstream audiences and intolerable super fans. That's never going to happen, so I'll continue to count my blessings that things turned out for the better with Andor. This universe works better when it is not beholden to a grand vision of being the most epic science-fantasy property in the world. Give me more stories of people trying to escape shitty situations in a world where space wizards carry swords made of light, and evil wizards have electric batons.

Runner-up: Total War: Warhammer III -

Hey, will you look at that? Do you mean to tell me a tentpole game from Creative Assembly launched hot and without many of the features that made previous ones enjoyable? Who could have ever foreseen this happening?! But in all seriousness, releasing Warhammer III without the Immortal Empires campaign was a mistake, and it is good that it's finally in the game, in some capacity, as the original story campaign has a severe replayability problem. That said, there's no denying that Warhammer III is a nigh inaccessible experience to newcomers, with no viable on-ramps for anyone who missed the first two.

Worst Thing I Saw All The Way Through And Should Have Stopped Earlier - The Rising of the Shield Hero (Season 2)

I have reached the anime moral event horizon. Do you want me to pick you anything up?
I have reached the anime moral event horizon. Do you want me to pick you anything up?

The anime "sophomore slump" is alive and well! Not since the second season of The Promised Neverland have I seen an anime community so viciously turn on a single season quite like the second season of The Rising of the Shield Hero. As someone who hated the first season and everything it represented, it was a sight to see and convinced me I had to see the fuss in person. And boy, did I fucking regret it! As I said, it's not like the first season wasn't an adherent nightmare that incel culture gravitated toward because its protagonist exudes the virtues of a player character generated for Fatal. And how could we forget about multiple characters engaging in slavery and the main plot thread involving an enslaved woman being presented with freedom but returning to a life of slavery because she needs the male protagonist to "complete her." It's disgraceful shit, and I knowingly went into the second season expecting the absolute worst and was shocked at what I saw.

First, the second season picks up almost immediately where the first ended and has the two female characters re-explain why they are okay with being enslaved by the male lead and why he's not a complete scumbag for practicing slavery. Seriously. At that point, I thought I was watching an anime for incel manlet edgelords, but things changed. The characters then spend two episodes reflecting on their behaviors, engaging with quests, and doing the opposite of what they would have logically done in the first season. The reason is that the characters have thought about their behaviors and realize they need to be better people while also still practicing slavery. The show doesn't even fully commit to the shitty audience it courted after the first season and decides to Third Way its heinous bullshit by humanizing its world and making its cast engage in acts that show "they have changed." It's the fucking Bill Clinton of anime, with a comparable amount of misogyny! All the while, there are still no less than two female characters that actively beg for the protagonist to place them under his ward to protect them from the cruelty of the outside world. It's the most "both sides" shit I have ever seen, and it doesn't bring someone like me on board because it's still putting a happy face on chattel slavery like it is Song of the South. But fans of the first season are pissed because all the characters did was talk about morals and engage in isekai fluff instead of continuing the edgelord shit from before. I have not seen a show completely misunderstand its audience to this degree in my life.

Runner-up: Star Trek: Picard (Season Two) -

Red Letter Media warned me, but I did not listen. Picard spending two episodes on the characters suffering in our present timeline was lazy shit, even if I agreed with what the show was attempting to put forth. Having black and brown characters have less than pleasant run-ins with border patrol, and that's the message the show is trying to impart, is somehow less clever than having half-white/black-painted people talk about racism in the original series. I will add that it is AMAZING that Picard continues to side-step and not address the plot twist of the first season involving Picard canonically being a goddamn android.

Worst Puzzle I Ranked Or Experienced In 2022 - Starship Titanic's "Tending the Titanic Titillator" Puzzle

See, it's funny because it's as if Douglas Adams actually wrote this!
See, it's funny because it's as if Douglas Adams actually wrote this!

Starship Titanic is an experience instead of a video game. The game is an adaption of the mind of Douglas Adams, both in spirit and heart. It features the likes of Terry Jones and John Cleese and is unrelenting in its "Britishness." However, at its core is one of the cruelest and most unusual adventure games I have seen in a long while. To the game's credit, that's part of its humor, as it falls into the same adventure game category as Discworld, where it takes pleasure in making you sweat. As I reviewed in the first part of my "Blogging About Failure" series, there's a puzzle that is impossible to solve in all digital re-releases because the only way to find the solution is to look at a picture on the physical release's game box. That's the kind of shit you sign up for when you play Starship Titanic, and you have to give it to the designers for not letting up on their wonton cruelty at any point.

Case in point, there's a segment in the game when you need to make a cocktail for a robot bartender. Sounds simple, but what if I told you this cocktail required four ingredients that each need you to find bespoke locations and grace you with several fiddly or annoying puzzles along the way? I don't want to burn my material because I want to write a proper blog for this nightmare of a game, but I'll at least share how you get lemons for this robotic concoction. First, you need to find a perch hiding in the "Parrot Room," and it in no way looks like something you can pick up in the first place. Second, you need to navigate back to a different location and use that perch to poke a button several times to make a vending machine bestow a hammer. Poking the button once does nothing, so you could be forgiven for not thinking this was the natural solution to this part. Third, you need to go to another location, find a closet, and use the hammer to break a false wall that has a stick hiding behind it. Then, and only then, can you use the bar to pick lemons FROM A RANDOM TREE for the fucking cocktail! AND THAT'S JUST ONE OF FOUR PARTS!

Runner-up: Return To Zork - The Swamp Bog Sequence -

The following sequence is the worst part of an already malicious video game. Return to Zork does a more than admirable job translating the innate cruelty of the original text adventure games into an FMV adventure game with Myst-like puzzles. However, the swamp bog puzzle is a low point with the player needing to navigate a randomly generated repeating maze with nothing to help them but a stick and a compass rose. I could only beat this puzzle AFTER I broke out some graph paper, and even then, it took me about twenty minutes.

Help I'm Trapped in Sisyphean Torment Award - The Tower Of Druaga

These wizards are such motherfuckers.
These wizards are such motherfuckers.

I had a hard time assessing if I wanted The Tower of Druaga OR Unlimited SaGa taking my Sisyphean Torment Award. Unlimited Saga has combat that functions on a roulette wheel, but Druaga has old-school quarter-sucking sensibilities. So, I went back and thought about what defines "Sisyphean torment" in the realm of video games. To that end, I don't necessarily want a game arbitrarily long or abjectly unplayable. I am looking for a game that feels like torture and bestows a sense there's no hope of ever reaching the end. And in that regard, The Tower of Druaga stands tall. With sixty floors and each of those floors having hidden items and quests, there's simply no world where I ever see myself finishing it. Even if the depths of the underworld gave me an infinite amount of time to wail away on it, I still think I would be stuck at floor eight or nine hoping the ghost wouldn't fuck up my shit.

I can imagine a world where I finish Unlimited Saga. It might take me ten years, but Unlimited Saga, even with its randomly generated bullshit, feels like classic Microsoft FreeCell. Like FreeCell, in every tableau the game gives you, there's exactly one way to win, and if you deviate from that critical path even once, you're fucked forever. Even when I used a guide and memorized what I needed to do in The Tower of Druaga, the game STILL managed to ruin me. Also, because it was designed to be a quarter-sucking son of a bitch, it sometimes doesn't play by its own rules and, instead, will employ cheap bullshit to throttle your progress backward. The game deserves credit for inspiring the people at From making the games that made them big, but there's no reason for even the most die-hard Souls fans to play The Tower of Druaga. Please don't do it.

Runner-up: Unlimited Saga -

Despite pleading the case of The Tower of Druaga, I don't want any of you thinking Unlimited Saga is a game worth playing. It is noted as a product that only makes sense to the person who made it, Akitoshi Kawazu. The moment you boot the game up, you are essentially at the whims of RNG. The whole game and your ability to play it depends on if Lady Luck is on your side, which leads to one of the most futile feeling RPGs. To see stats and characters I spent hours leveling and training, get wiped clean in a matter of seconds, fucking sucks, and that's what you sign up for if you play Unlimited Saga.

ZombiePie's 2022 Ostrich Moment - Elden Ring

Well, I guess it is time for the internet to yell at me incessantly again.
Well, I guess it is time for the internet to yell at me incessantly again.

Every year I award my "Ostrich Award," a unique commendation to any source of entertainment that resulted in an unwarranted hostile response on my part. As I have said, these works of art make me feel like a proverbial ostrich with its head stuck in the sand. I have three video game-related opinions that consistently get me into trouble on this site. One, I don't like Castlevania games because I have a personal aversion to backtracking. Before anyone chimes in about Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow, I'm not too fond of that game either, and my reaction to it while playing it sealed my case on the series not being my shit. Two, Final Fantasy Tactics is a mediocre tactic and strategy game that is carried by an excellent story. And finally, I don't like Souls games. Of those three, the last always leads to the most significant amount of backlash, even after I have prefaced that I have no ill will directed at From and the people who like these games. Even when I did so in my blog about the need for people that are not Souls fans to review these sorts of games, I still got a handful of people that entirely missed that and called me a whiner. So, knowing I'm likely better off not saying any of this, here we go. Let's talk about why I don't love Elden Ring.

I'm tired of From's approach to open-world game design. I no longer have the time for a game needing 100% of my gaming attention for weeks, and the genre's anti-player and anti-pick-up-and-play design is not for me. I had a colon biopsy checking for cancer, which came out negative, but I was out for a week, and when I returned to Elden Ring, I was so goddamn lost. That's thanks in no part to From's insistence they don't need quality-of-life designs in their games. Likewise, Souls fans overbill the worldbuilding in these games. I find From's writing in their tomes and weapons bios incredibly rote and a slog to read at times. I would even contend needing to read these bios in the first place isn't a net positive and, instead, storytelling malfeasance. Additionally, I'm "done" with these games' clipping issues. I fucking HATE taking cover behind a large solid object and a boss's lance or axe clipping through the said object and killing me. Fuck that; it's fucking bullshit. I am 1000% done with the awful platforming in From's games where you need to make leaps of fate and don't know if you are jumping into immediate death or entering a new location. And don't get me started with From STILL not being able to design a goddamn fucking camera that can snap into place whenever you fight a giant boss. How are we this deep into their catalog, and they STILL do not know how to make a camera that shows you more than 50% of their boss character models?

Runner-up: Marvel Snap - I have nothing especially vicious to say about Marvel Snap. It's a game I played for a bit to see what the hype was about and enjoyed for a while until I felt like I butted up against players that obviously spent real money on the game when I did not. I wasn't angry at the game, considering that's how all mobile games operate, but when presented with that wall, I uninstalled it and moved on with my life.

Best Non-Video Game Thing I "Played" As Much As Most Of The Video Games On This GOTY Blog - Duolingo

Honestly, I don't hate the Duolingo owl as much as the rest of the internet seems to dump on them.
Honestly, I don't hate the Duolingo owl as much as the rest of the internet seems to dump on them.

Yeah, I know people love dunking on the owl, but I had a ton of fun fucking around with Duolingo this year. It could be the program helping me get into a routine with something that wasn't gaming related. Still, I have honestly come to enjoy the language and vocabulary exercises it employs, and I'm making progress with what I am trying to learn. And before any would-be Noam Chomsky-likes chime in I'm not developing the critical parts of language proficiency with Duolingo; I know that. I make no pretensions about my warm-up exercises in Spanish or Japanese ever translating into me being able to walk the streets of another country and kicking up a conversation with the people I meet. But that's not the point with Duolingo. It is excellent when you approach it as a fun mental exercise that always leaves you feeling successful or that you have learned something new. Beyond that, there's nothing else to say other than it's fun, and I'm happy I decided to try it.

Runner-up: Mexican Train Dominos -

Mexican Train Dominos is better than OG Dominos. There, I said it, and I regret nothing! It's far easier to teach, better allows for teams, and is incredibly fun when adult beverages are also part of the picture. If you haven't given it a shot and are still fucking with Liar's Dice as your party game, replace it with Mexican Train Dominos and immediately bring new life to your adulting efforts.

Best Thing I Discovered For The First Time In 2022 - Ogre Battle 64

Trust me, it plays better than it looks.
Trust me, it plays better than it looks.

Ogre Battle 64: Person of Lordly Caliber is incredibly slow, clunky, and not even the best game in the series. It takes time to get used to what it's trying to tell you on its battle map, and its tutorials barely cover the surface of its in-depth combat mechanics and its myriad of job classes. While the main story indeed progresses at a slow but deliberate pace, there are whole swaths of the game that might not present themselves in any given playthrough if you do not know what you are doing. It was not until I consulted OgreBattle64.net that I discovered how to get all of the Elem Pedras, how the Chaos Frame system works, or how to find the "Drakonite Magic." In terms of being a random event generator, Ogre Battle 64 is one of the better out there, but that also means your experience may diverge wildly from those that claim it to be a hidden treasure in the N64's catalog. I would hazard to say Ogre Battle 64 has more in common with Pokemon than some games bearing its namesake that precede it.

And yet, I had a fantastic time with the game, mainly thanks to using a guide. When I read more about the requirements for the Princess, Vampire, and Venerable Dragons units, a part of my brain got turned on, and I treated the game more like Viva Pinata than a proper tactics game. That same depth that I suggested earlier that might make the game a daunting challenge for some has endless depth and provides an ungodly number of options for players you rarely see in modern tactics games. That adds to its replayability and makes the game a timeless classic, even if it is an aberration compared to its predecessors. It is notorious for how expensive it is in the used game market and is well-known for being the only Ogre Battle game that did not have Yasumi Matsuno as its director, and that shows, but it is worth checking out nonetheless.

Runner-up: Zelda II: The Adventure of Link -

I have already said my piece about Zelda II, but all I will add is that as I interacted more with the Switch port, which features a ROM hacked version that bestows Link with max stats at the start, I have softened my stance on the game. There's a world where an overtly roleplaying version of The Legend of Zelda can work and exist, and the games Zelda II inspired are proof of that. Playing Shovel Knight or Hollow Knight proves this can work if love and attention are given to it.

Blogger Of The Year From The Giant Bomb Community - borgmaster

I still find it funny the only time borgmaster got pushback was when they did not know who Mookie Blaylock was.
I still find it funny the only time borgmaster got pushback was when they did not know who Mookie Blaylock was.

The Giant Bomb blogging community is a small but close-knit group of people. We don't just follow each other on the site but also know each other's addresses and social security numbers! While borgmaster is not new to the blogging game, to see someone introduce a new blog and text-based premise and fully deliver on it in less than a year is nothing short of amazing. If even one percent of every lurker on the site were willing to take such a risk and not care about the fear of reprisal or lack of viewership, things would dramatically change for the better. As I have said before, sometimes you should write, not because it can make you famous or even lead to greener pastures or new job opportunities. Sometimes you should write for yourself and be amazed at how creative and passionate you can get. If you have yet to let your thoughts flow, I strongly recommend it, even if you have hesitations about working with the written word.

But let's return to borgmaster and their two massive blog projects on the site. When I first heard they were going to explore the PS1's first year of video game goodness, I did not think they would be able to finish it at the pace they first set for themselves. And yet, they did. Not only that, but just like clockwork, they started a new journey looking at the Sega Saturn's first year on store shelves. I can barely convince myself to commit to a bi-weekly blogging schedule, and here they are, putting me to shame. I also give them credit for inspiring a non-zero number of people to join the fray in covering retro and classic games on the site. Again, fantastic stuff all around.

Runner-up: Mento/bigsocrates/ArbitraryWater -

While I was pretty dead-set on who to give my top props for, I struggled with my runner-up, so I settled for a cop-out in the form of a three-way tie. Mento is a name that needs no introduction as they continually find ways to publish upwards of three blogs per week. bigsocrates engages the community with riveting prompts and explorations with long-forgotten gems or game mechanics. ArbitraryWater falls into the same group of bloggers that developed a new gimmick and has used it to their advantage to cover many games and gaming topics therein.

Game Of My Year - Final Fantasy VI

What a video game.
What a video game.

What else is there to say about Final Fantasy VI that I haven't already said? I eventually settled on calling Final Fantasy VI a "forever good game" in that there's no logical head-space ever to claim it is a terrible experience. Does the game have its share of flaws? Indeed, and I will be the first to call the game's latter levels bullshit and its Relic system fiddly. Also, the game has Setzer, one of the worst overall characters ever to be included in the main cast of a mainline Final Fantasy game. Not all of the characters get full-fledged arcs, and some reach the end of the game feeling incredibly half-baked. Nonetheless, the ones that stand out are likely to be characters I hold on to until I turn to dust, and the broad vinegar strokes of Final Fantasy VI are among the most magnificent to grace the franchise. It is the quintessential Final Fantasy game in that it is the game that has everything that makes the series even remotely interesting to follow all in a single package.

But there's another reason I felt inspired to include Final Fantasy VI as the "Game of My Year" this time. Final Fantasy VI might be the most necessary game in the series and JRPG genre for everyone to play. Chrono Trigger is the usual title for the latter, but if you wanted people to know what defines the soul of the JRPG genre and why people still latch to it, Final Fantasy VI pleads those cases emphatically. People need to see the Opera House scene and the game's big mid-game plot twist. Every self-identified video game historian has to see these two things at least once. It also helps that playing the game helped me fight through one of the worst bouts of writer's block I have ever experienced and doubled my love for writing about games. That's always nice.

Runner-up: Might and Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven -

With Larian lurching closer to Baldur's Gate 3's official release, I have increasingly come to miss games like Might and Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven. Honestly, I miss when CRPGs had a level of silliness and were willing to lampoon their own bullshit. Yet, here we are in this post-Game of Thrones world where everyone needs to fight back against a monolithic evil, and everyone around you kind of sucks shit. Yet, here we are, and with Ubisoft sitting on the IP and not wanting to do anything, it does not look like that's changing any time soon. Of the many MS-DOS-based CRPGs you can play these days, Might and Magic VI is one of the most welcoming and pleasurable and magnificently showcases the gulf between console and PC RPGs that existed for ages.

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Blogging About Failure - Part 2: The RPGs I Couldn't Find The Energy To Complete Or Write About (Until Now)

Author's Note: This is part two of a two-part series in which I look at every game I played or tinkered around with during 2022 but did not manage to finish or failed to write about on the site. In part one, I discussed the adventure games that either "broke" me or were sources of writer's block. For this episode, I will review the RPGs that I played but struggled to jot down my thoughts due to a lack of confidence in my ideas or a scarcity of time. If you missed the first episode, a link is available below!

Also, there are moderate spoilers for some of the games discussed in this blog. You have been warned!

I Played These Games And Want To Talk About Them in 2023

Dragon Quest I & II

I will say, I think the Switch port for Dragon Quest 1-3 looks like butt.
I will say, I think the Switch port for Dragon Quest 1-3 looks like butt.

To call Dragon Quest an "establishment" is an understatement. The franchise has informed the direction of the JRPG genre for over thirty years. Unfortunately, its recent penchant for "playing it safe" has caused it to be a target among the JRPG enthusiast crowd. Oh, and every modern Dragon Quest game takes over forty hours to complete, and its iconic soundtrack and melodies were composed by a war crime-denying pile of human garbage. However, there's no doubt it is a cultural landmark, and I decided to give the first two entries in the series a go to see when exactly Dragon Quest became Dragon Quest. The answer is probably Dragon Quest III, but I was immediately shocked by two things when I played these relatively basic and creaky games. First, they are amazingly well-made games that offer incredible "baby's first JRPG" experiences with a low barrier to entry. Because the sizeable open-world design of the series did not come into the picture until the caravan system in Dragon Quest IV, the first two games have incredibly straightforward exploration bits that don't always tire your nerves. Second, and this was the real kicker, the first two games clock in under twenty hours. The first game can be quickly completed South of ten hours if you don't get tied up in the dungeons, and that makes it an easy recommendation to any would-be video game historians.

However, the legacy of Dragon Quest I and II is not what I want to write about on this site. In the annals of JRPG companions, there have been some doozies. Ken Amada makes Persona 3 actively miserable, and I have consistently called Hope Estheim in Final Fantasy XIII the ultimate "anime shit boy in video game history." There have been some terrible JRPG companions, and when you think you hit rock bottom, the genre finds a way to lower the bar even further. However, I present the Prince of Cannock in Dragon Quest II as the single worst JRPG companion in video game history. The Prince of Cannock gets special commendations for being a nothing character, a total liability for the entire game, and only one of three playable characters. To continue from that last point, because he's a master of none AND a glass cannon, you essentially play the game with two characters with no alternatives. Also, you don't get revival options until much later. So, when he dies, you need to drag his ass back to a church to revive him. Oh, my second guy died halfway into a dungeon? It is time to turn around and lose all of my progress leading up to this point! Worse, the fact he's a wimp AND never improves is a fact the game and its makers knew because his official art depicts him in a coffin while being dragged by the Princess of Moonbrooke.

This official Dragon Quest II art always brings a smile to my face.
This official Dragon Quest II art always brings a smile to my face.

Gauntlet IV

Gauntlet 4 is a true buried treasure in the Genesis' catalog.
Gauntlet 4 is a true buried treasure in the Genesis' catalog.

I love the Gauntlet series. Something about the franchise always manages to tap all of the pleasure neurons in the lizard portions of my brain, and I have fond memories of wasting away stacks of quarters on the arcade games. It was the first cooperative game I played and genuinely enjoyed. The need to communicate with partners, and sometimes total strangers, led to an endless list of parasocial interactions I can't forget. Furthermore, I am, by my own omission, a frequent defender of Gauntlet Dark Legacy, even if I recognize the game doesn't stack up to Power Stone or even the original Smash Bros. It doesn't matter. I played a shit ton of that game with my brother and sister, and entire audio cues and environmental set pieces are forever burned into my mind. 2022 was when I took the time to play one of the few games in the series I had never played, Gauntlet 4, and it was one of my biggest surprises of the year. Gauntlet IV on the Genesis/Mega Drive might be the most lovingly made 16-bit-era console port of an arcade game, and yet, no one knows about it.

Right from the rip, the game has one of the best soundtracks in the Genesis catalog. Whatever you think about the console conversions of Namco or Sega classics of this era, Gauntlet IV trumps all of them. That's because it was done by Hitoshi Sakimoto, who would later compose Final Fantasy Tactics and Final Fantasy XII. When people say they think the SNES has better music than the Genesis, I roll my eyes at them and pull up tracks from this game, Strider, Streets of Rage II, and Revenge of Sinobi. The game also has two different modes of play. The first is a shot-for-shot recreation of the arcade game with all of the familiar trappings but with the added comfort of being able to continue. Alternatively, a new quest mode features multi-level dungeons, NPCs, upgrades, persistent stats, and a mission structure that culminates in a final fifth dungeon. If the idea of an RPG spin of Gauntlet didn't sound enticing enough, what if I told you it was entirely playable in co-op? It's a largely forgotten platform highlight that I want to discuss on the site in some capacity in the future.

Fallout: New Vegas

When did everyone declare this a CRPG classic?
When did everyone declare this a CRPG classic?

Including Fallout: New Vegas in this section is a cheat because I have an outline of what I want to write about for this game. Unfortunately, I did not have the time to proofread and publish it before we got to the maelstrom that is GOTY season. For years, I have been amused by the growing proportion of people that point to New Vegas as the "last true Fallout game." That's because I remember when the game was released, a swath of the internet wanted to have the heads of those that reviewed it positively and brandished the launch window version of New Vegas as "false advertising." After all, the game launched hot and was a buggy nightmare to play. That leads me to my possible blog premise of wondering when the CRPG community deified New Vegas. When did the apotheosis of another hallmark of "classic" Obsidian releasing a partially complete game happen, and why? I'm old enough to remember when the GameFAQs and NeoGAF boards put Obsidian in the same category that we often put modern Bethesda into today of constantly getting a pass on publishing games when they still needed an extra year or two.

And I don't get the mindset that New Vegas somehow represents a more "authentic" Fallout experience than Fallout 3 or 4. Go back and play Fallout 1 or 2 and realize that they have more in common with Bethesda's tabula rasa, fill in the blanks with your headcanon, template than the guided and linear approach of Obsidian. Sure, there's something to be said about liking Obsidian's writing and way of conveying a story more than Bethesda's. However, leaving dialogue choices plain and up to the player to discern their context was what the Interplay games did. Likewise, you wouldn't precisely exalt the first two titles in the franchise as storytelling masterpieces, either. So, I return to my central question. When did the apotheosis of New Vegas start? Was it after the game's mod community salvaged the game? Was it after Skyrim made millions of dollars and became an easy target for CRPG "purists?" Was it after people were disappointed with Fallout 4? Was it after the disastrous launch of Fallout 76? You tell me because I'm still sitting here scratching my head, and I think there's something to this idea worth exploring in more depth.

Xenosaga Episode I & Xenosaga Episode II

This series fucking GOES PLACES!
This series fucking GOES PLACES!

Xenoblade Chronicles 3 got a significant amount of GOTY buzz this year, and as someone who has been following the works of Monolith Soft for a while, I find it comforting. The studio has gone through a lot of upheaval in the lead-up to its buy-out by Nintendo, and it brings me a lot of joy to see them get the budget and PR support they deserve. However, while their continued success warms my heart, I still cannot help but lament the eternal purgatory their older titles seem to exist in right now. Case in point, I would DIE for a modern re-release of the Xenosaga games, but that's likely never going to happen with Monolith in Nintendo's camp, but the series is tied to Namco and Sony. It's unfortunate because the Xenosaga games, at least in my mind, prove that Monolith is pulling its punches with the Xenoblade games considering nothing in the latter series has come close to the pure anime-ass insanity of the Xenosaga trilogy.

Holy shit. The story highlights of the Xenosaga trilogy need to be seen to be believed. Did the Xenoblade games ever show an android robot lady opening their navel to shoot a laser beam to kill a giant space monster? Is there any overt Jesus Christ connection to the characters of Xenoblade Chronicles 3? Do any of the Xenoblade games have a comically evil anime-ass villain that takes off his head after cutting off his hand while torturing a child? What about Greensleeves playing while you explore a brain matrix? Is that in the second or third Xenoblade game? How many of you that profess love for the Xenoblade games have seen the cutscene in Xenosaga I depicting Cherenkov's backstory? I don't say this point lightly, but the Xenosaga games "out Kojima" Hideo Kojima. Every cutscene is dense, goes on for over ten minutes, and is steadfast in confidence that its heavy-handed storytelling can only be treated with deathly serious observing eyes. And I cannot emphasize enough how if you combine all of the first game's cutscenes into a single video, it clocks-in over seven hours and that number gets bigger with the second and third games. It's fucking astounding.

I Played These Games, But I Have Nothing To Add To The Conversation That Has Not Already Been Said

Might and Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven

It's between Jagged Alliance and this game when it comes to all-time greatest digitized character portraits.
It's between Jagged Alliance and this game when it comes to all-time greatest digitized character portraits.

As hinted at in the first part of this mini-series, I have a tradition of picking random video game genres and seeing how far back in time I can go with that genre before I no longer feel like I can have a fun time. Despite being DOS-based CRPGs, the Might and Magic series is the furthest I can go with any individual video game franchise. Might and Magic III: Isles of Terra is where I draw the line, but if you challenged me to play the first two games, I'm confident I could still do it. This talking point leads us to Might and Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven, a game I thought I would dislike but did not. With VI being the game that trashed hex-grid movement and pixel art for digitized graphics, I thought I was up for a rude awakening but was pleasantly surprised to discover the contrary. This game was fun and breezy when it first came out and is still one of the more welcoming intermediate CRPGs you can give someone trying to ease into the genre.

One of my all-time favorite parts about this game is its pacing. Every storyline quest melds perfectly with the previous one, and the game uses gear checks to incentivize completing side quests or general exploration of environments. The job system is highly satisfying, with only a few that I don't enjoy using in a normal playthrough, and the way you draw utility from those jobs by finding trainers or random NPCs is far less fiddly than it might sound on paper. Also, the Might & Magic series often doesn't get credit enough for being fun, silly games with you defeating monsters that worship sheep or fixing computers by going on quests for RAM. I will never understand the outcry over The Forge for Heroes of Might & Magic III, considering Might & Magic VI gives you an alien laser gun at the end of the game. It's cool shit. If I have two niggling nitpicks, I wish the game were still grid-based and the real-time mode did not exist. If you have yet to play it, give it a shot, and I promise you will not be disappointed.

Legend Of Dragoon

Also, this game might have the most scuffed translation for an official Sony-led project.
Also, this game might have the most scuffed translation for an official Sony-led project.

For the longest time, I had a theory about the creation of Legend of Dragoon that I finally wanted to put to the test. For years, if not decades, I believed that Legend of Dragoon was a vanity project spearheaded by Sony to try and one-up Squaresoft after the latter moved more console units than their internal studios. Up to that point, Japan Studio didn't have a track record of making great RPG experiences and giving them the task of creating a JRPG to rival Final Fantasy VII reeked of executive meddling. A painfully "okay" game with such stunning production values couldn't possibly have any other reason for existing; at least, that's what I thought. As I played the game's first disc and did more research, I discovered my theory was utterly wrong, but that did not change my overall feeling the game is boring and unable to justify its long playtime.

To the people bound to fight me about my thoughts about Legend of Dragoon, I get it. The game's flashy visuals and intricate animations are still impressive today and perfectly exemplify the PS1 aesthetic. However, those animations slow the game to a crawl, and I would even contend Legend of Dragoon is more over-animated than Chrono Cross. I timed this, but the opening camera pan at the start of battles is six seconds, and the end battle animation is eight. That means after ten random encounters, two to three minutes of your life are down the drain, simply waiting for the game to transition in and out of battles. The Addition system is passable, but it's not enough to justify being the lynchpin of an entire JRPG, especially when its depth is lacking. Also, the fact Legend of Dragoon is optimized for CRTs means playing it on a modern monitor is not the best experience. But all of that aside, I think I "get" why people fondly look back at this game and understand why people want to see the game remastered. Nothing quite looks or plays like it, and it is very much in line with the 90s Saturday morning cartoons many of us still think about nostalgically.

Hydlide (Including Virtual Hydlide) & The Tower Of Druaga

The main character in Virtual Hydlide is named Jim, and we still do not know the name of the person who played Jim.
The main character in Virtual Hydlide is named Jim, and we still do not know the name of the person who played Jim.

This game falls into the "borgmaster beat me to it" category if we are being honest. Around November, I played every game in the Hydlide franchise, hoping to see if the series ever made a good game. I put the Hydlide franchise in the same group as The Tower of Druaga series. Both are essential and acted as formative titles that led to greater and better things. The entire Souls sub-genre is so indebted to The Tower of Druaga and Hydlide games that it is not even funny. However, there is no single game bearing either series namesake that you should actively seek out to understand that historical legacy because they are all the most miserable video games ever made. MAYBE, check out Hydlide 3 if you need to know why some in the JRPG development scene continue to hold on to the series as a legacy tentpole franchise, but feel free to punch out after the second dungeon. With The Tower of Druaga, you are at the mercy of the game not randomly caving your teeth in unprompted. Druaga never appropriately prompts you as to what it wants you to accomplish at each level, and even when you do know what it demands, you often end up doing random bullshit that leads to endless death spirals. I managed to get to level eight out of sixty and consistently struggled with the quest involving getting a magical sword. And by the way, the game throttles you down a story when you attempt to progress further up the tower after skipping a quest item or failing a mission. It's utterly fucked!

When it comes to Virtual Hydlide, what sometimes gets lost in the mix is the game's size. The in-game world is tiny, so its speed runs are hilariously busted. However, with the game lacking any leveling mechanics or sub-systems, you are better off avoiding combat entirely and saving yourself for the required bosses at the end of every temple or cave. The game barely runs at a stable framerate and is notable for what it doesn't have rather than what it does. It shit-cans the franchise's then-unique morality and magic systems and ties everything into equipment. However, because it relies so heavily on weapons, when you get a new sword or mace, everything around you becomes pointless until the next gear check. You spend large swaths of the game moving from one local to the next, wasting away everything that stands before you, leading to an incredibly monotonous and boring game. But again, if you want the definitive blog about all of this, check out borgmaster's post on the site.

I May Write About These Games In Two To Three Years, But I Make No Promises

NBA 2K16 (But Only The Story Mode By Spike Lee)

Oh... this fucking scene is a lot. A. LOT.
Oh... this fucking scene is a lot. A. LOT.

Whenever I say this to people who only play sports games, they get angry at me, but I'm confident about my stance. Sports games are RPGs. If you are playing a Madden or EA Football game and rejiggering the stats of a player or using cards to create a fantasy team for online play, you are playing a role-playing game. Stop and look at any online Madden player's thought process when drawing up a new offensive play or defensive scheme. You can squint your eyes and realize that's essentially the same thought process someone like me goes through when fanning through hotkeys or battle menus when selecting attacks against an ogre or dungeon boss. That's why when people give the NBA 2K series a hard time for having weird fantasy story modes, I don't get it. These modes are completely on par with the RPG sensibilities innate to all sports games.

However, NBA 2K16 is very special. As many of you might recall, the game has a story mode written by Spike Lee, and it delivers on its reputation of being one of the most harebrained sports stories short of Suda51's Super Fire Prowrestling Special. I know Alex detailed the insane plot twist at its end, but other bizarre story moments are just as praiseworthy. And I say "praiseworthy" the same way I would use that word when recalling Tommy Wiseau's The Room. How could one forget about the owner of your team being an overt racist that looks down on his players as nothing but servants to his million-dollar enterprise? What about the player character's agent, Dom Pagnotti, being a walking Italian-American stereotype? And what about the awkward car scene where it is revealed the player character was an accessory to second-degree murder, which the game does not scaffold toward or foreshadow at any point? It's SOMETHING, and I continue to be amazed the NBA gave it their seal of approval, considering how poorly it depicts the inner machinations in the league.

Eternal Sonata

A game that is way better than it has any right to be.
A game that is way better than it has any right to be.

As you might discern from my loving brief on Xenosaga, I love JRPGs that aim for the stars and miss. That's why I still hold Final Fantasy VIII in higher regard than most Final Fantasy fans and why I cannot help but love Chrono Cross. Eternal Sonata is a wild story and compares favorably to those two games by sheer metric tonnage of "weirdness." Reading the game's Wikipedia bio is enough to explain why that is the case. A game taking place in the dying dreams of a real-life musician, in this case, Chopin, and flinging you into a fanciful anime isekai world is fucking bananas. And the twists and turns that happen therein are beautiful and unique in their own right. There's a cutscene where a character you barely have met gets assassinated and slips in and out of consciousness to have a ten-minute death eulogy about how much they will miss their companions. There's a subplot involving the prospect of a time loop that never gets resolved. Then, there are the PowerPoint presentations about the life and times of Chopin that come out of nowhere. Finally, there's the villain, who is the most boilerplate anime villain you will see. It's A LOT, and I love it for that reason alone.

Unfortunately, I cannot wholeheartedly recommend you play Eternal Sonata. The game's dungeons are painfully linear but go on for hours at a time and add virtually nothing to the experience. The combat is also wildly all over the place and has too many sub-systems to be entirely enjoyable. There's a night-day system that is more annoying than satisfying, and fiddling with inventory items or equipment in the menu is never gratifying. The blocking mechanic, however, almost breaks the entire game for me. When you enter combat, it is vitally important to take note of musical cues or visual prompts emanating from random encounters or bosses. If you don't, you will either end up dead or so far back in health that you might as well restart. All this information is poorly communicated to the player because the camera is often pulled too far back from the action, which can lead to significant roadblocks that are no fun to get out of if you do not know what to do. That said, I genuinely need all of you to watch that death eulogy I mentioned earlier because it's the most incredible thing I have seen in all of 2022:

Quest 64

It's definitely not a looker, but there's something to be said about this being a victim of hype more than anything else.
It's definitely not a looker, but there's something to be said about this being a victim of hype more than anything else.

I'm not going to spend too much time talking about Quest 64, but here's where I stand regarding the game. The Angry Video Game Nerd lied to you. I know, shocking. Nonetheless, Quest 64 is better than its reputation might have you believe. That's because the game is clearly made for children and isn't even the worst "one of those." When you get down to brass tax, the game does a more than admirable enough job of providing RPG newcomers the basic idea of what the genre has to offer, and in an incredibly low-stakes package. The penalties for player death are non-existent, and the game's linear structure makes it impossible not to know what you need to do or where to go. The game's magic system and drawing mechanics are straightforward. It's not at the top of or even on my list of RPGs I would give someone new to the genre, but I can't fault anyone who would do so. The fact Dan and Jeff have spoken about the game in the same breath as Bubsy 3D or Sonic 06 as a future Spite Club pick has me moments away from writing a three-paragraph scree on why Quest 64 isn't what they are looking for for that series. Ultimately, as the kids on Fortnite like to say, the game is very "mid," but nothing more.

Unlimited SaGa

I wish I could properly explain why this screencap makes me incredibly angry.
I wish I could properly explain why this screencap makes me incredibly angry.

Calling certain video games a "roulette wheel" is a bit of a tiresome idiom. Every video game has a design philosophy built into it to keep you coming back for more. Even bad games have a kernel where someone tried to create an experience they thought would keep you entertained. However, Unlimited SaGa is a goddamn roulette wheel. It is barely a video game and has the noted distinction of rating lower than The Guy Game on Metacritic. And you know what? That's completely earned because, despite more effort going into Unlimited Saga, it is one of the least functional games to ever come out of Square-Enix. A board game guides the player's movement, and the structure of that board game is on par with a Jinsei Game with random events that inflict random bullshit on you when you least expect it. The combat is a slot machine, and that's all that needs to be said about why it sucks. Seriously, look at the screencap above. Whenever you want to attack an enemy, you must pray that the slot machine will land on what you want. Every. Single. Battle. Also, junctioning spells to any character is the most complex and Byzantine bullshit imaginable. I have played some bunk JRPGs in my lifetime, and I have to stop and think hard if this game is worse than Lunar Dragon Song. For those who understand the gravity of that last sentence, I tip my hat to you.

However, any discussion about Unlimited Saga cannot happen without a cursory examination of the mastermind behind it, Akitoshi Kawazu. Hardcore Gaming 101 put it best when it declared Kawazu as a brain in a jar in Square-Enix's basement that the company's leaders occasionally refer to when they are in a bind. However, while the brain doesn't ask for much day-to-day, it will pull owed favors to get the green light for games that would never court executive approval in any other circumstance. After striking relative gold with the SaGa series, Kawazu flexed all of his credibility within Square-Enix to make a game that only made sense in his mind after obsessively playing Ultima IV and Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition. That game ended up being none other than Unlimited Saga. Kawazu's "blank check" that he got for over twenty years of industry success got spent to make Unlimited Saga. The one time he got final-cut privileges was for this nightmare game, which explains a lot. This game is the video game equivalent of the Cones of Dunshire. It has everything, and that's a problem.

I need you to see this page from the official manual for this game listing every teachable skill. Just look at it. Now consider the spell list is twice as long.
I need you to see this page from the official manual for this game listing every teachable skill. Just look at it. Now consider the spell list is twice as long.

NOPE! THESE GAMES ARE A HARD PASS!

Secret of the Stars (aka Aqutallion)

After looking at this game's credits, it would a appear a single non-English programmer translated this game.
After looking at this game's credits, it would a appear a single non-English programmer translated this game.

Oh, Dragon Quest clones. They are a dime a dozen and rarely ever arise above middling filler. In my books, there are good DQ clones, there are bad DQ clones, and then there are weird DQ clones. Secret of the Stars is thoroughly in the second camp, though it sometimes oscillates into the third. Its central premise is that it forces players to take control of two parties and these two parties need to work in tandem with each other whenever exploring dungeons or towns. Regrettably, the synergy between these two parties is next to nothing, and if you are not careful, you can even have one group block the pathway of the other and be completely stuck. Also, the idea of needing to grind DOUBLE in an otherwise incompetently made Dragon Quest clone is the most fucked video game value proposition imaginable. Imagine you are playing Dragon Quest V, and now imagine needing to play every level or set piece twice just to keep two siloed groups on par with what the game is throwing at you. That is how Secret of the Stars operates. The only thing worth seeking out about the game is its hilarious scuffed translation which you can get an idea of from the screenshot I have provided above. Otherwise, after about five hours, I bounced off this game.

Aidyn Chronicles: The First Mage

Mediocre games are actually the hardest type of game to talk about.
Mediocre games are actually the hardest type of game to talk about.

If you are interested in experiencing the slowest start to an N64 game, look no further than Aidyn Chronicles: The First Mage! The game's starting cinematic and castle are mind-numbingly slow and do virtually nothing to prepare the player for the onslaught of mediocrity they are about to witness. Everything I said about The Legend of Dragoon playing as if it existed in a vat of molasses applies to Aidyn Chronicles. However, Aidyn Chronicles has the added detriment of doing one of my all-time most hated "RPG Cardinal Sins." When attempting to complete quests or explore new environments, enemies will spawn or move around in the world in real-time, and you will often physically bump into them. However, when you spawn into the game's battlefield, you and the enemy will suddenly inhabit two opposite sides of a fighting arena and need to spend two to three turns simply closing that gap. It fucking sucks, and I hate it whenever games do this. I highly recommend Mento's write-up if you want to learn more about this game and why it's not a great time.

Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar

Also, if you really are interested in playing Ultima 4, you might want to consider the Master System port.
Also, if you really are interested in playing Ultima 4, you might want to consider the Master System port.

Remember when I talked about the Ultima adventure game spin-offs and mentioned I would talk about Ultima IV? Well, we have now reached that part of this blog! I respect Ultima IV. The game still stands as one of the few RPGs ever made where the player isn't aiming to kill a big monolithic evil. It instead asks players to learn about its code of ethics and then exemplify those ethics in everything they do in the game's world. Sure, there are goblins and trolls to defeat in battle, but even then, you must consider how much to press your attacks or otherwise build up a cruel reputation among the game's peons. For something made in the 1980s, it is an incredibly nuanced system and far more dynamic than you'd think. Unfortunately, due to it being such an old game, its systems are not easily determined, which also applies to its overall design. Dungeons and towns have entire bespoke pathways hidden behind invisible walls or trapdoors. The quest design is obtuse enough that you never feel like you have a grasp on what the game wants out of you. I do not want to call the game "directionless," but I cannot imagine a world where I complete the game without at least two to three game guides providing step-by-step directions. It's worth a cursory look for any adventurous video game historian, but not for the faint of heart.

My 2022 White Whale

Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura

This and Icewind Dale II continue to be my CRPG white whales I have never managed to finish.
This and Icewind Dale II continue to be my CRPG white whales I have never managed to finish.

I tried. I really tried to complete Arcanum: Of Steamworks & Magick Obscura this year. I even set out to finish the game as a 2022 New Year's resolution. I listened to interviews with Jason D. Anderson and Leonard Boyarsky about the game's design process to get my spirits up. I even used my favorite cheese tactic in the game by speccing my character to specialize in throwing and incendiary weapons so I could murder everything with nothing but Molotov cocktails. But, alas, I failed. Arcanum is too fucking long and too much of the same thing over and over again for my tastes. It is a game built tall, not wide, and is moments away from collapse. Many of the game's dungeons embark on frustrating design tropes like a Dwarven cave that arbitrarily snakes around in a serpentine pattern so random goons can charge after you ad infinitum. The story's first half recycles a "monster of the week" format that barely cuts it for nationally televised cartoon shows. On top of that, while there are some exciting subplots or side quests, the main story takes its sweet time to kick into high gear. It's simply too much game for too little gain for hours.

However, I don't want anyone to think I am calling Arcanum a "bad" video game. While playing it with the fan patch is incredibly important, its ambition is through the roof. The number of jobs, abilities, character customization options, and build paths available at your fingertips is astounding. That treasure trove of player options is a double-edged sword considering specific skills and build paths are better or more viable than others. Arcanum is guilty of ye olde CRPG trope of a handful of jobs and skills being outright useless. Discovering a character you have spent hours making will never get you to the end of the game is aggravating. All that aside, it is a remarkable world with larger-than-life characters that make most of the journey worth taking. Nonetheless, if you have managed to see its credits, you are a far better person than me.

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Blogging About Failure - Part 1: The Adventure Games That Broke Me In 2022

Preamble

With feelings on the site at an all-time high, I decided to bring things back to Earth with a blog about failure. Contrary to popular belief, I only sometimes write about the games I finish or play. In fact, most games I play come and go without a single treatise or commentary about my thoughts about it gracing the internet. However, rather than let that potential source of angst lord over me, I decided to use it as a fun blog idea before I buckle down and annotate my favorite games from the year. Due to the pressures of modern society, thanks in no part to capitalism, we live in fear of failure. Nonetheless, taking risks and living with many of those risks not panning out is an essential part of life. Therefore, I don't view any of the problems or issues I am about to discuss in anger or frustration. Instead, I still pat myself on the back that I pushed myself to work outside of my comfort zone in the first place and that these risks all provide critical teachable moments.

For the first part of this self-reflection, I will exclusively look at adventure games. It's weird to think about this point, but next week will mark my first anniversary of starting my ranking of adventure game puzzles on the site. I started the series as an experiment after I needed something to write about that wasn't just the Final Fantasy series or the state of modern Square-Enix. I settled with my video game comfort food, adventure games, and the posts have become some of the more popular things I post on the site. Unfortunately, some games I play either push me to the breaking point or, halfway through, I realize they are not worth the effort to write about exhaustively. So, without further ado, let's review some of those games! Also, where possible, I'll provide links to archives of my playthroughs of games covered or discussed on this blog!

I Played These Games, Finished Them, & Still Plan To Blog About Them

Return To Zork

Want some rye? Of course ya do!
Want some rye? Of course ya do!

If ever there was a game I wish I could recommend for Vinny Caravella's descent into the world of FMV adventure games, this would be at the top of my list. When people hear "Zork," they think of the legendary text-based adventure games from Infocom. The original trilogy of Zork games are among the most important games ever made and informed the adventure game genre for over forty years. They are the source of many a grizzled boomer gamer joke due to their wonton cruelty and penchant for killing their players in the most ludicrous manner possible, but it was a different time. The fact the games would kill you if you didn't carry a torch when entering a cave or hallway was part of the charm. What people often forget is in one of their last gasps to remain relevant in the industry, Infocom rebooted the Zork series as Myst-adjacent 3D FMV adventure games. These games do not use the traditional text parser like most of Infocom's works and instead use a click-based inventory management system. They do, however, maintain the series' habit of murdering you when you least expect it.

This reboot trilogy starts with 1993's Return to Zork and includes Zork Nemesis: The Forbidden Lands and Zork: Grand Inquisitor. We speak of remasters and soft reboots as if they are a new industry trend squashing the creativity of the designers, programmers, and coders that populate it. In reality, popular video game series and franchises have been remastering older works to be compatible with new hardware and software since the dawn of video games. The Zork series is proof positive of that. With Return to Zork, the game is well-known for being punishingly challenging. For example, you encounter a vulture at the start of the game on a signpost next to a plant. If you attempt to talk to the vulture, you die, and if you pick the plant, you'll inadvertently enter a fail state with the game not telling you that until you are three hours deep. I had the benefit of recalling an ancient playthrough I had with the game in the 90s, so my second rodeo was not as bad as a normal blind playthrough. The puzzles in this game are BRUTAL, and instead of employing my standard format, I was thinking of looking at the top three puzzles in each Zork reboot game in a single post. They should be covered together, considering the franchise's current irrelevance can be easily observed in the design and tonal shift experienced while you play them in chronological order. However, excuses are excuses, and this was a rare miss on my part.

Amerzone (aka, Amerzone: The Explorer's Legacy)

There's a lot of Syberia DNA that starts in Amerzone.
There's a lot of Syberia DNA that starts in Amerzone.

I gave the man his flowers during my blog post begging people not to compare Scorn to Myst, but Benoît Sokal is a name you should respect if you enjoy modern adventure games. Sokal was a professionally trained comic artist before entering the world of video games and is best known as the director and figurehead behind the Syberia franchise. However, most people forget that the Syberia franchise and Sokal's video game career started with the video game buried treasure, AmerZone: The Explorer's Legacy. Unlike Syberia, Amerzone uses a cartoony art style characteristic of Sokal's comic books. However, the game laid the groundwork for the world of Syberia, and its aesthetical choices persist even in the series' most recent titles. It's an exciting experiment and an easy recommendation to anyone who enjoys the Syberia franchise but is unaware of Amerzone's existence. I decided against writing a post about it, not because I did not want to but because I felt it was appropriate to hold on to it until I got to the first Syberia game.

While the game feels more like a prototype than anything else, I ended up loving this game. The world you explore is abstract and fictional enough that its weirder sensibilities feel warranted, but it still functions within the realm of reason. The game has a genuine sense of discovery it primarily rewards as you explore the depths of a tropical forest. The underlying story is crude and nowhere near as compelling as the one in Syberia, but it gets enough right that you never feel like giving up on the game. The ultimate problem with Amerzone is that only some of its best ideas get the total commitment they deserve. In one case, at the start of the game, you discover a journal from a legendary explorer who begs you to deliver an egg of a now-extinct bird species to its rightful home. For the first set piece, you flip through pages in this journal to find the egg, solve puzzles, and even program directions into a flying craft. It might sound fiddly, but it works because the illustrations in the journal perfectly match your in-game roadblocks, and knowing to check the journal becomes an automatic reaction you develop. Then, when you enter the second location, the game completely forgets about the journal until the fifth level, where it makes a return.

Shannara (1995)

Still amazed this hunk of junk came from the Coles.
Still amazed this hunk of junk came from the Coles.

Well, here's a real "trip down memory lane!" If and when I cover Shannara (1995), it will be the crustiest game I assess in my adventure game series. The DOS era of adventure games is a black hole in my repertoire, and before playing this game, I was largely unaware of the Shannara franchise. Speaking of which, we should talk about the namesake of this game because it explains why it has become Abandonware with no hopes of ever getting a re-release. The Sword of Shannara by Terry Brooks is considered by some a seminal work of epic fantasy fiction that grew the commercial prospects of the fantasy genre but is also derided by critics as being highly derivative of The Lord of the Rings. Both statements are true. The Shannara series was a massive blockbuster, but I never found Terry Brooks to be an incredibly creative mind when compared to Tolkein, Ursula K. Le Guin, or even Anne McCaffrey. However, people LOVE The Sword of Shannara, which made it primed for a video game adaptation in the 1990s. However, that leads us to one of the weirdest creative decisions of Shannara (1995). The game features the Shannara characters and setting, but its story is not an adaptation of any book or short story and exists in its own non-canonical timeline.

I'm going to be honest; this game was a massive disappointment. That feeling is partly due to Shannara being a work from "The Coles" or Corey Cole and Lori Ann Cole, the figureheads behind the Quest for Glory franchise. The game came AFTER Quest for Glory III: Wages of War and Quest for Glory IV: Shadows of Darkness but is a massive step in the wrong direction compared to both. Because Shannara errs closer to the CRPG side of things, it's more complex than almost every Quest for Glory game short of Quest for Infamy but is running the same point-and-click engine, which doesn't cut it in Shannara's case. The combat is downright awful, and your best strategy is to avoid all optional battles whenever possible. So, imagine a version of Quest for Glory that requires twice the amount of grinding, has as many instant death traps as King's Quest, and has a combat engine that feels like refried dogshit. I still plan to write about this game because so much of it is utterly fucked, but it will be a while before I muster the strength to do so.

MTV's Club Dead

Aw, what the fuck am I even looking at?
Aw, what the fuck am I even looking at?

Fuck you @sparky_buzzsaw! Remember when MTV was considered a "counter-culture" television program and was hip with teens? Remember when Viacom gave a shit about making video games? Shit, remember Viacom? The main idea behind these questions converged together and birthed a video game called MTV's Club Dead. The best way to describe it is to imagine Total Distortion but with a corporate label and WAY MORE music videos to watch. Like Total Distortion, the game is a first-person surrealist adventure game with the player investigating murders at a cyberpunk hotel. As you explore the many wild residents at the hotel and crime scenes, you collect clues on who the murderer might be while watching music videos and playing MTV-themed minigames circa 1994. Likely due to the licensing and rights issues associated with some of those music videos and the game's use of the MTV label, this weird and wacky experiment is locked away into copyright purgatory.

MTV's Club Dead is BY FAR the weirdest game I have ever played outside of Eastern Mind: The Lost Souls of Tong Nou, which I also desperately want to share with the Giant Bomb Community. Club Dead was also a colossal pain in the ass to get working on modern technology. I cannot say this for sure, but I have a hunch the game runs all of its music videos, FMV cutscenes, and MTV bits using separate executables and video players. When I tried to stream the game on OBS, my usual Game Capture setup could never detect the FMV cutscenes or music videos. My guess is it is using something like Windows Media Player or Quicktime to run these cutscenes separately from the base game. It does not help the game is programmed in DOS and bootstrapping it to DOSBox is more complex than you'd expect. It's a WILD journey, and I 100% NEED to cover it on the site. My only quibble is that there are large swaths of it where all you do is move from one location to the next and listen to NPCs or watch videos for five to ten minutes.

Starship Titanic

I have a LOT to say about this specific puzzle!
I have a LOT to say about this specific puzzle!

Near the start of my adventure game series, @bigsocrates suggested Starship Titanic as a possible future topic. When I found out the game had a GOG and Steam release, I pounced on the opportunity because I was "done" with rejiggering old PC games to make them work on my desktop at the time. What ensued next was one of the most miserable experiences I had with a video game in 2022. I will share another confession with everyone that might get me in trouble, but I am not the biggest fan of Douglas Adams' style of humor (don't tell @mattyftm). I understand the man was a master of his craft and that his witticisms of government bureaucracy are iconic and novel in their own right. However, his habit of having characters speak technobabble and that being "the point" or the butt of his jokes 90% of the time wears on my nerves after about fifteen pages. He's only one step above Rick and Morty when it comes to relying on verbal diarrhea as a comedic crutch. That's one of the biggest issues I have with the video game adaptation of Starship Titanic, and it does not help that the puzzles are none the better.

It is worth noting that Starship Titanic falls into the same category as the Discworld games. The fact Starship Titanic attempts to kick your teeth in with its bizarre sense of logic is part of the humor, and your ability to accept that determines your enjoyment of the game. However, there are a handful of puzzles where the game goes way too far. For example, in the picture I provided above, the puzzle can only be completed by looking up the answer in a guide. The reason is that the correct placement of every gear and knob is only provided to the player on the physical game box. That's right, when you run up to this puzzle when you attempt to use the in-game hint system, it says to you, "Have you tried checking the back of the box?" and upon doing so, you'll notice the version of the puzzle on the box has the solution. For owners of digital-only copies of the game, you are fucked! Even if you have the box, that being the way you solve a puzzle is fucking BANANAS! There's another puzzle where you must listen to a French-accented waiter and click on his butt twenty-five times! Why twenty-five times? Because the game thinks having you do the same thing over and over again is funny. I need to write about this game, so I can finally move on from it after it inflicted fifty points of psychic damage on me.

The Longest Journey

An all-time great that everyone should play!
An all-time great that everyone should play!

If I heard that I only had three weeks to live or a comet would extinguish all living creatures on this planet in seven days, I would use my time to buckle down and finish a retrospective on The Longest Journey as my final written work. I consider The Longest Journey and Syberia torchbearers of the adventure game genre in the late 1990s and early 2000s, alongside the Myst franchise. However, there's something about The Longest Journey that always feels timeless. April Ryan still stands as one of my all-time favorite video game characters, and her journey of self-discovery remains deeply relatable and resonates even twenty-plus years after the fact. Visually, while some of the pre-rendered skyboxes and backgrounds don't exactly hold up, the sheer variety of environments and locals makes the game a truly epic journey, the likes of which you rarely see today. As to why I did not write a blog about it, the answer is simple. This game is massive and I simply did not have the time to write blogs it rightfully deserves.

The gameplay also holds up remarkably well. That's because The Longest Journey rarely utilizes player death. Almost every puzzle, set piece, and combat sequence is designed to avoid the player needing to worry about quick saves or fail states. Without that worry, you can process the many characters and monuments that occupy every screen April Ryan inhabits. The exploration of lore and dialogue is why you play The Longest Journey, as its worldbuilding is insanely detailed, and there's so much of it. This point leads me to the first sign of the game's growing age. The story's reliance on in-game back-and-forth dialogue is overwhelming, and there are plenty of times when I thought a page's worth of dialogue could have been expressed in two sentences. Likewise, the puzzles run a vast delta from excellent to terrible. If you know, I plan to rip the rubber ducky puzzle a new fucking asshole, but the tiki statue telephone puzzle and underwater sundial aren't that much better either. All that aside, it's an underappreciated classic that everyone should play at least once in their life, and I do not say that lightly.

I Played And Finished These Games But Will Almost Certainly NOT Blog About Them

Return to Mysterious Island

Trust me, this game is better than it looks.
Trust me, this game is better than it looks.

I love Return to Mysterious Island, but I need to figure out how to write a blog about it. The issue at hand is that the game starts as a survival game with many possible ways for your player character to gather enough food to transition to the second phase of the game. If you ask me, the first survival part of the game is the best part. Then, the game transitions into a series of ghost tales and supernatural set pieces borrowing from the works of Jules Verne. While I do not hate these set pieces, the game's visual variety and sense of exploration take a massive nosedive. Most puzzles are clever and have good tells or clues. The issue is that the game requires a bit of trial and error during a few parts where a basic understanding of chemistry is necessary so the player character can make things like gunpower or battery acid.

However, Return to Mysterious Island is a struggle for me to write about partly because there are randomized elements, and no one playthrough is ever the same. Specific missions or quests pop off in different sequences, and the more elaborate puzzles have more than one possible solution. I have tackled adventure games that utilize open-world structures and more freeform puzzles, but not to the degree of Mysterious Journey. The game has an almost HILARIOUSLY bad final puzzle that I want to talk about at some point. However, I might look at both Mysterious Journey games together and, at most, write about their top three and bottom three puzzles. However, it's not exactly fit for that, considering there are only so many puzzles in the most traditional sense in each game. I don't consider gathering enough mangoes and nectarines to heal an injured monkey companion a "puzzle," but that might be me.

Botanicula

And now it is time for me to be a bit of a jerk.
And now it is time for me to be a bit of a jerk.

I'm going to sound a little like an asshole for this take, but I do not like any game from Amanita Design post-Machinarium. Their style of environmental storytelling has always come across as too "fuzzy mittens" for my tastes. Additionally, since Machinarium, their gameplay has erred increasingly on the player constantly clicking on everything on the screen to see cute stuff run around to move a block to open a new pathway or flick a switch to build a bridge. At this point, I feel like I know what the solution is to every single Amanita Rube Goldberg machine, and that is putting a massive damper on my ability to enjoy the things they make. Whenever I encounter a roadblock in their games, I know what I need to do and what the solution will look like when I put all the puzzle pieces into the correct spot. I find this a shame because their games are beautiful, and I respect any studio that takes the time to hone its craft to the degree they do.

Botanicula is also one of their less interactive games, feeling more like an art-house collage than an epic journey like with Machinarium or the last two Samorost games. Botanicula is also one of those games where I started to play the game and immediately was cognitively able to recognize it was not a fit for me or my writing style. I got pretty close to getting every single sticker in the game. Still, I knew there was no way I would break down meticulously every environmental signpost for those stickers or every example of piggybacking on every screen. It wasn't happening, and I knew it when I got to the game's midpoint. I already hate how close my adventure game blogs are moving towards becoming full-blown guides for the games I cover, and I did not think there was a way for me to write about Botanicula without that being the case. Maybe I'm wrong, and you all have ideas on what course of action I could take to avoid that, but for now, I'll put Botanicula in the category above "DNF."

Dragon Lore: The Legend Begins

This is actually what this game looks like. You can check out my livestream archive for further proof.
This is actually what this game looks like. You can check out my livestream archive for further proof.

Hey, remember Stonekeep? Remember how Stonekeep spawned a wave of knockoff first-person dungeon crawlers with pre-rendered environments and live-action actors? Dragon Lore: The Legend Begins is one of those but from an adventure game studio. I covered Cryo Interactive when I discussed Atlantis: The Lost Tales, but in short, they were a French adventure game studio at the cutting edge of 3D game rendering in the PC arena during the mid to late 90s. They also made a successful line of edutainment games that the Scholastic Book Club was happy to sell you. Still, when the novelty of fully rendered 3D character models waned, they put all of their marbles into a not-good Dune action game that bankrupted them into oblivion. Be aware that if the name "Dragon Lore" rings any bells, you are thinking of the second game, not this one. Dragon Lore II received a far wider release and even got a few console ports. Unfortunately, Dragon Lore II is a game lost to time, whereas Dragon Lore I has a GOG version readily available.

I danced around this topic when covering Atlantis, but while I understand Cryo is an important studio in the realm of adventure games, I need help to list a single work of theirs that is worth playing today. Some people enjoy their SCUMM-clones like Dune (1992). However, I find the odd marriage between strategy and adventure game in Dune (1992) to be oddly aggravating and incredibly frustrating, both of which are problems with Dragon Lore! Dragon Lore is an adventure game with one of the worst feeling first-person dungeon crawling combat I have ever experienced. Mercifully, the game rarely throws more than one enemy at you, but even then, everything moves at a snail's pace, and the feedback on your actions is nonexistent. The puzzles are almost always fetch quests where the player needs to find a far corner of a map, pick up a glowing trinket and deliver it to one of two people. The ones that are not are optical illusions that made me scream directly into my computer screen. Finally, the game is ugly and no goddamn fun to play. What more is there to say?

All of that aside, I need every single one of you to stop what you are doing and watch the introductory cutscene for this game. Seriously, stop whatever it is you are doing and watch this shit:

DNF: My Complete And Total Adventure Game Failures

Worlds of Ultima: The Savage Empire & Ultima: Worlds of Adventure 2: Martian Dreams

Just look at this UI/Ux
Just look at this UI/Ux

Every year I like to play a game with myself. At least once every two to three months, I pick a genre and see how far back in time I can go with that genre before I feel like I can no longer have fun. I do not do this to belittle or insult those who grew up in a different era or are older than me. However, there comes the point in every generation when the rules and norms for that generation only make sense to those that were there when those rules were the norm. This rule of thumb applies to every video game genre. Hence, I can only go back to Might and Magic: Clouds of Xeen or Sid Meier's Civilization III with those particular series. I draw the line at Ultima VI: The False Prophet when it comes to Ultima, but I can push myself to go as low as Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar. In fact, not to spoil things, but Ultima IV is going to make an appearance in the second part of this mini-series. That is, of course, if we are talking about the mainline Ultima games and none of the spinoffs because I want to have NOTHING to do with the Worlds of Ultima games.

The good news with both games is that you get them free on GOG upon creating an account. They both run well enough on modern systems and are snapshots of when the Ultima series was king in the land of PC gaming. Unfortunately, both games are cumbersome and clunky, with their marriage between a CRPG interface and adventure game puzzles more likely to draw groans than oohhs and aahhs. Worlds of Ultima: The Savage Empire has the added bonus of a twinge of explicit racism. It takes place in a Mesoamerican village, and the characters in this village are depicted as respectfully as if the game was made by the director of The Birth of a Nation. And while Ultima: Worlds of Adventure 2: Martian Dreams does not have this drawback, I found it to be even more unplayable as it attempts far more complex commands and actions but with the same interface as its predecessor. It also doesn't help that navigation in both games progresses slowly, and the combat is downright terrible. These factors converge into two games I bounced off in about three hours.

Time Gate: Knight's Chase

This came out in 1995. Let that settle in for a minute.
This came out in 1995. Let that settle in for a minute.

My thought process of playing this game will require a more thorough explanation than some of the other entries here. OG Alone in the Dark is an incredibly important video game, and that fact is not up for debate. It inspired the Resident Evil franchise and informed the creative design choices for many early survival horror games. However, developer Infogrames had difficulty refining the ideas of the first Alone in the Dark. They spread themselves too thin as they churned sequels at a breakneck pace and even tasked the team behind the game to try out unfamiliar genres. Hence, why Alone in the Dark 2 is a massive tonal shit from the first, and why Time Gate: Knight's Chase exists. If you look up images of Time Gate: Knight's Chase, you might be amazed to learn it came out in 1995 because it sure as Hell does not look like it. The game is one of the last to use Gouraud shading rather than 3D polygons or the more economical flat shading and runs the same game engine as Alone in the Dark 2. However, Time Gate emphasizes puzzles more than any Alone in the Dark games that preceded it, and that is to its detriment.

There were several reasons for me to ditch Time Gate. First, the puzzles in this game run a gamut of bizarre but expected survival horror fare of this era and the benign. That made for incredibly boring reading material as most of the difficulty in completing the game descends from its tank controls and static, fixed camera angles. As expected, a handful of quest goodies are hidden behind pillars. Thanks to the fixed camera, these are only possible to find if you constantly click the action button while running around every part of a given environment or are consulting a guide. But the more prominent reason for me not finishing the game was more related to self-preservation. Playing Time Gate would have opened up a slippery slope. If I covered Time Gate, then there's no stopping me from playing Alone in the Dark, meaning I would have to play and review the original Resident Evil and Silent Hill games. And while I love this website and its community very much, that isn't a can of worms I want to open with my puzzle ranking series.

Shivers

It's always fun when a Sierra joint forces you to fiddle around with marbles.
It's always fun when a Sierra joint forces you to fiddle around with marbles.

Shivers is "the one that got away." You may recall I ended up posting a blog about D: The Game as a fun tie-in to Halloween. I should clarify how D was a backup. I initially wanted to write about Shivers but couldn't finish the game and had to change course. Shivers has all of the fixings to be a game in my wheelhouse. It's a Sierra game, and I have made it reasonably known I was a Sierra Kid. It has FMV acting, and that's also "my shit." It has a crazy story that goes places and a kaleidoscope of wacky environments that would have been a joy to share with all of you. Alas, things were not to be. Before we review why that might be the case, I should mention Shivers has the reputation of being one of the more challenging games Sierra made during their heyday. Foremost, it has a punishing death system where it is easy to lose health but impossibly challenging to gain back. Also, you can only carry one item at a time, which makes the end goal of constructing ancient vases to capture evil spirits exponentially harder.

I need to explore that last point further. In the world of Shivers, there are thirteen evil spirits, known as Ixupi, that you, the player, need to capture. However, the vessels to catch these monsters have each been broken into two parts, and you need to find the lid and base of every single Ixupi pot to capture the spirits. Two complications make this process soul-suckingly miserable. First, each jar only matches a specific Ixupi, which means of the twenty-six pieces you will encounter, you need to check them first to the correct part and then to the accompanying Ixupi. Second, the location of the ghosts and pottery pieces is randomized. Worse, there are more searchable locations than there are lids and bases. Therefore, even if you consult a guide, there's a high likelihood that the searchable areas it mentions will net you jack shit. Finally, the puzzles to every environment, room, elevator, or significant set piece resets after you exit that location. In a game where needing to backtrack to search for trinkets is built into its DNA, I found that last quibble untenable. In my case, I got to the end of the game but got stuck trying to find a lid for a specific Ixupi vase. I checked every location in the game and realized I was either clicking in the wrong spot in the areas I noted did not bestow an item or placed the piece on the ground and forgot where it was. As I was not about to restart from the beginning, I threw my hands in the air and gave up.

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Finishing Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII [Part 1] - Honestly, This Game Isn't As Bad As The Internet Says!

If you enjoyed this episode, here's a directory to the first episodes of every Final Fantasy game I have covered on this site thus far:

Part 1: You Might Be Asking, "ZP, Why Are You Playing This Game?"

I look forward to close reading the plot twist with Chocolina at some point in 2023.
I look forward to close reading the plot twist with Chocolina at some point in 2023.

Don't ask me why, but I have been thinking about Final Fantasy XIII again. We are coming up on the game's thirteenth anniversary, and with it already in the "classic" games category in most video game databases, I could not help but think about it. As I said at the start of my thorough examination of Final Fantasy XIII-2, no game in the world plays, looks, and feels like Final Fantasy XIII with even half of its production values. Suppose you have found a game that merges tales of Norse Mythology with Hot Wheels-like Michael Bay Transformers and bosses that resemble Victorian-era chandeliers. In that case, I encourage you to drop a comment. Just be aware my first reaction is to call it "bullshit." I respect the game's hutzpah, even if I cannot in a thousand years imagine a universe where I proactively recommend people try it. I, on no uncertain terms, find it a narrative clusterfuck and an abominably dull playing experience. Unless this website opened up its wallet and paid me gobs of money, I do not have the gastrointestinal fortitude to go through endless linear corridors with streams of pointless trash mobs ever again. And I will go to my grave that everyone who says, "But Gran Pulse is where the game gets good!" is high on their supply.

And yet, I cannot deny the legacy of Final Fantasy XIII. As I mentioned, the game is coming up on its thirteenth birthday, and there's no denying a non-zero number of people on this Earth say XIII is the game that sold them on the franchise. Lightning, Vanille, Fang, and Serah are gaming icons for many people, especially in LGBTQ+ circles. I know at least two people who told me that Vanille and Lightning were characters that led them to discover or cement their current orientations and more power to them. However, another "legacy" of Final Fantasy XIII often gets unreported that we need to discuss before I get into the weeds of Lightning Returns. Square-Enix was in a technological bottleneck in the aftermath of Final Fantasy XIII. Against the advice of virtually every single developer at the time, they built a new in-house game engine, Crystal Tools, specifically for Final Fantasy XIII. While this engine allowed for stunning cinematics and still unheard-of production values, the initial investment was enormous and only partially paid off. The only titles to use Crystal Tools were the Final Fantasy XIII games, Dragon Quest X (i.e., the MMO), and the bad version of Final Fantasy XIV. Speaking of which, the "catastrophic meltdown" for Final Fantasy XIV at launch was revealed later in an internal review as primarily the fault of Crystal Tools. You might recall when Final Fantasy XV was known as Final Fantasy Versus XIII. The game's hard pivot was mainly due to the game's open-world structure being a complete pain in the ass to design using Crystal Tools. As a result, the internal team working on the game shit-canned their initial Crystal Tools-based prototype and transitioned the game into a different engine (i.e., the Luminous Engine).

Oh man... this game sure is NOT a looker! Remember how the cutscenes in Final Fantasy XIII still hold up?
Oh man... this game sure is NOT a looker! Remember how the cutscenes in Final Fantasy XIII still hold up?

RPGFan's Derek Heemsbergen describes Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII as "a desperate attempt to squeeze one last game out of the aging [Crystal Tools] graphical engine." That's correct on paper, but a handful of nuances are worth reviewing as well. First, it would be wrong to call Lightning Returns entirely a Creative Business Unit 1 production, even if that is what Square-Enix wants you to believe. Well-known JRPG developer tri-Ace assisted with XIII-2, and Square-Enix expanded their role with Lightning Returns to include working on the game's design, art, and programming. As we will review in a different section, you can feel and see tri-Ace's influence as many of their hallmarks take center stage and are more prominent than in XIII-2. Second, Lightning Return's production time was one and a half years. When I harp on the game's SHODDY graphical rough edges, that fact is reason numero uno as to why! Lightning Returns' empty or partially realized environments make a lot more sense when you recognize the people behind it had less than TWO YEARS to make it and were using an aging, flawed game engine on top of that. Third, Square-Enix wanted the game to react directly to many criticisms directed at XIII-2. Lightning Returns deemphasizes the episodic format of the previous game but doubles down on its widely praised bubblier sensibilities. It was obligated from the get-go to tear down all the mechanical work its predecessors had accomplished and, instead, went back to the drawing board.

And we must talk about what inspired this game because it might be my favorite underappreciated detail about Lightning Returns. In subsequent interviews, director Motomu Toriyama, who would go on to co-direct Final Fantasy VII Remake, cited three primary sources of inspiration for Lightning Returns. The first, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, should come as no surprise as Lightning Return's open world seems like a shameless attempt to get on the open-world conga line that existed in the mid to late 2010s. The second source of inspiration is the Doomsday Clock. For those who have played Lightning Returns, you know the game has a time limit that breaths down your neck every second you play it. The idea of the characters veering closer to an apocalyptic event that will level the world they know and love stems from Toriyama reading about this obscure attempt by scientists to graph how close we are to a man-made global catastrophe. Now, speaking of the game having a timer looming over you like a proverbial Sword of Damocles, that too has a direct provocation, and it's not too hard to identify if you have been playing games for more than a handful of years. Just think about famous video games that provide players with limited hours and days to avoid a worldwide disaster. Did Chrono Trigger come to mind? How about Majora's Mask? Well, both of those answers are wrong. Lightning Returns' story is the way it is because Motomu Toriyama saw 2011's "In Time," starring Amanda Seyfried and Justin Timberlake.

This is not a drill. This is real. Honestly, when was the last time you thought of this game?
This is not a drill. This is real. Honestly, when was the last time you thought of this game?

The film resonated so strongly with him that he thought its story could be the crux of an entire Final Fantasy game. I'm not joking. Why am I playing this game? Because this game is a fucking mess, and I love it. It should not exist, yet, it does.

And did I say that Hope is back? Buckle up. This game is going to be a wild ride!
And did I say that Hope is back? Buckle up. This game is going to be a wild ride!

Part 2: The Complete And Total Shit-Canning Of Final Fantasy XIII Is Undeniable But A Net Positive

In my preamble, I previously spoke of fans of Final Fantasy XIII, and I have it on good authority that Lightning Returns does not enthuse a portion of those fans. I have a pretty easy time imagining why that might be the case. Starting with Final Fantasy XIII-2, the core conceits and spirit of Final Fantasy XIII became largely deemphasized. In the first game, we had heady themes of large state-run entities stripping away humanity's destiny and a large pantheon of deities. Gameplay-wise, plenty of people like the Paradigm System, view it as a pseudo-rhythm game, and enjoy toying around with party compositions to add variety to the game. With Lightning Returns, we have three gods, one playable character, and the Paradigm System is a complete afterthought. The only named characters that get any love are the main party members (i.e., Snow, Hope, Vanille, etc.) from the previous two games, and Lightning Returns cares fuck all about any other ancillary characters. Barthandelus, and whatever the name was for his religious organization, might as well not exist on this timeline because the only place you will find them is in the in-game codex.

Because people are still ripped up about this scene.
Because people are still ripped up about this scene.

Some might call this a "rude awakening," but you should be aware there's some post-game DLC for XIII-2 that does a decent enough job of scaffolding the franchise's transition to Lightning Returns. In the Lightning DLC for XIII-2, you take control of Lightning without any companions, and your only way to change up her abilities is to swap out different garbs or dresses. It's also entirely built around a single boss fight, much like the combat arenas in Lightning Returns. It provides cinematics based on your ability to tackle the looming threat, in this case, Caius, in front of her. This format is basically what Lightning Returns employs across its four significant environments (i.e., Luxerion, Yusnaan, the Dead Dunes, and the Wildlands). I agree it is complete bullshit that Square-Enix locks their primary vehicle to on-ramp players on what to expect in the third Final Fantasy XIII game behind DLC. Worse, that DLC is no longer available on some digital marketplaces like PSN, but it's there. It exists and does a decent enough job of priming the pump.

And as someone who felt the main story of Final Fantasy XIII was glorified technobabble and impossible to follow, I am entirely okay with Square-Enix scrapping the game and committing to more character-based stuff in Lightning Returns. Final Fantasy XIII-2, despite all of the timeline bullshit, was a more straightforward story to process because, at its core, it was a character drama focused on two player characters (i.e., Serah and Noel). Lightning Returns is one giant step easier because, outside of the god shit, which I am not saying does not exist, all you need to do is follow Lightning and register her reactions to the world around her. This version of Lightning, by the way, while significantly different from her two previous performances, is more impressionable. That's because she's the center of the game's stage, and you don't have to worry about the out-of-place character or party transitions muddying the waters as you did in Final Fantasy XIII. I enjoyed the brutal simplicity of the narrative giving you Lightning's perspective, and just her perspective, because you can better see her character transformation throughout the story. She starts as a naive but pessimistic discipline of a god and slowly becomes more invested with the people around her and is more earnest in her interactions with the NPCs.

I mean... JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY! How can you hate a game with THIS GUY!
I mean... JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY! How can you hate a game with THIS GUY!

I also wonder why people get upset that the last two games in the Final Fantasy XIII series get campy. There were no fruitful plot threads to explore after the end of Final Fantasy XIII. If you wanted to re-enact Snow and Serah's wedding and honeymoon, MAYBE there was something there, but raise your hand if you think that would justify a whole game. If you enjoy the pie-in-the-sky worldbuilding of Final Fantasy XIII, you can view the game as existing in a microcosm. However, it says A LOT that Lightning Returns is more comfortable honoring and fulfilling the narrative plot threads of Final Fantasy XIII-2 than the original game. At no point does Rygdea or Hope's father pop out of the woodwork and say, "Hey, remember me!" because no one fucking remembers those characters in the first place. Noel is an anime shit boy, but he's memorable, and Lightning Returns is aware of that and has an entire set piece devoted to him instead of any of the named Sanctum characters. Caius is barely in a third of Final Fantasy XIII-2, and he gets more air time in Lightning Returns than 80% of the non-Lightning party members. These are good creative choices because the writing of Lightning Returns provides a more welcoming and trimmed-down set of named characters without the nobodies from the past two games, and that helps in dealing with the series' long-standing "Proper Noun Problem."

Part 3: The Format And Pacing Of The Game Is Its Greatest Attribute And Its Greatest Weakness

The maps in this game are only a marginal improvement over Final Fantasy XIII.
The maps in this game are only a marginal improvement over Final Fantasy XIII.

But how does Lightning Returns play when in motion? To the game's defense, it makes a stunning first impression. The opening level for Lightning Returns is shockingly blow-for-blow, the same as the opening concert of Final Fantasy X-2. Like Final Fantasy X-2, Lightning Returns invites players into a backdrop they have never seen before, even though it takes place in an established universe whose rules are already known. The new location is tonally unlike anything they have seen or felt. The recurring theme of Final Fantasy XIII was new-age space technology, and Final Fantasy XIII-2 went one step further by going into a distant alternate reality. Lightning Return plops Lightning, in a form unlike we have ever seen, into a medieval masquerade populated by Egyptian Anubis-looking monsters. If you accept that the game is silly nonsense, I can see this introduction working for you, and that was the case with me. Much like X-2's initial concert, everything you see and hear during this masquerade is glorified anime-ass horseshit, and just like the preceding example, it put a big dumb grin on my face. It's hard to get angry at video games that are as eager to please your senses as X-2 or Lightning Returns. Still, as I highlighted before, this introduction is infuriating if you are holding out on the Final Fantasy XIII series bearing to ANY of the deft severe tones of the previous titles.

While the game waits until the next set piece to spew its lore, the characters that populate this starting world are more than happy to shout the proper nouns you might remember. Lightning is on a quest to save her sister, Serah, yet again, and her target during the tutorial level is none other than Snow. Both characters are alien enough in their behaviors that they might as well be new characters, but that's a point we will discuss shortly. Right now, the important thing is what happens when you finish the tutorial and begin wrapping your brain around Lightning Returns' equipment-based combat. After Lightning fails to reach out to Snow, anime shit boy Hope (circa Final Fantasy XIII) warps Lightning back to what we discover is god's starship hovering over the world. Hope identifies four locations on the planet that contain significant sources of chaos that need to be dealt with and marks those locations on Lightning's map. And so, Lightning Returns reveals its format. For all intents and purposes, it is an open-world action roleplaying game with four explorable environments, each culminating in a final boss battle. These worlds are Luxerion, Yusnaan, The Dead Dunes, and The Wildlands.

This is still definitely bound to stress some people out.
This is still definitely bound to stress some people out.

You can tackle these environments in whatever order you want, and you are encouraged to leave an environment when you butt against enemies or bosses that pose too much of a problem. Each story local has a smattering of side quests that unlock depending on the time and whatever day it is in the game. This point reminds me that this game is similar to Majora's Mask in several regards. Every time you warp into the explorable worlds of Lightning Returns, a timer starts and counts down the hours, minutes, and seconds you have left for that day. The bosses in the game's four environments represent "hard targets" for any playthrough, and the eventual twelve days it poses start to become more tangible. Theoretically, a modest goal of beating a boss every three days with a handful of side quests to boot seems reasonable. Unfortunately, unlike Majora's Mask, whose pacing and structure fit its timeline-based storyline with almost surgical precision, Lightning Returns is a fucking mess. Depending on your playstyle, you will either end up with gobs of time with nothing to do or be frantically panicking on the final day. There is no middle ground.

There's no denying that the game's day and time limit might be off-putting for many people. If you scan GameFAQs circa 2013, you'll read about dozens of people reaching Caius or Snow and needing to restart their playthroughs because they ran out of time. However, this situation will only happen if you experience significant struggles with the game's combat and equipment system or dedicate too much time to side quests. If you want my advice on eliminating this risk, I recommend playing the game on its easiest difficulty setting. The blocking mechanic, which I will discuss next episode, is no fucking fun, and the two to three bosses that require you to execute this mechanic with pixel perfection suck ass. You get nothing from playing the game on its standard or more challenging difficulty setting. If you want an experience that melds better with its silly and over-the-top story, the lowest difficulty setting best accomplishes that. That said, if the very notion of a game limiting your completionist sensibilities even the slightest bit makes you uncomfortable, this game is not for you.

Also, the star rating system is one of the only carry overs across all three games and I don't know why.
Also, the star rating system is one of the only carry overs across all three games and I don't know why.

However, there's another common foible cited with this game's structure. Swapping between the prominent locals is more challenging than you'd think, and the different conflicting fast travel systems don't overlap. The fast travel system in the Dead Dunes doesn't communicate with the train system in Luxerion, and neither melds with the Chocobo in The Wildlands. Worse, the game presents itself as an open world, but it has a preferred order in which you tackle the environments and bosses. For example, in Luxerion, there's a side quest involving Vanille, and completing it sheds a decent amount of light on Fang's motivations in the Dead Dune. Yet, you can miss this entirely or experience it out of order. The bigger problem comes from the boss evolution system, which I praise as an exciting concept worth utilizing in the future. As you progress days, three out of the four bosses in the game (i.e., Snow, Noel, and Grendel) advance and become harder versions of themselves. The best example of this mechanic is Snow, whose Cieth corruption gets increasingly worse and his attacks more damaging as you near the end of the game. It's a novel idea sabotaged by the fact that it can completely fuck over players that end up saving the bosses in favor of side quest completion or other tasks. Likewise, the number of evolutions each boss has is all over the place. Snow has three forms, Noel and Grendel two, and Caius one. As a result, saving Snow for the end results in one of the most challenging bosses in the game if you don't know what you are doing, and that is wholly FUCKED!

Part 4: The Gameplay And Mechanics Are Flashy But Fiddly As All Fuck

Yet again, the worst part of a Final Fantasy XIII game is playing it.
Yet again, the worst part of a Final Fantasy XIII game is playing it.

I ended up coming around to the mechanics and gameplay of Lightning Returns more than I thought I would. I'm not going to stand here and pontificate about how it is the best playing 3D Final Fantasy short of VII Remake. Nonetheless, something must be said about its DNA's massive influence on VII Remake and how it is not as wretched as its critics might have you believe. Honestly, I find limiting players to a single playable character laudable. I always found managing Paradigms and party compositions in Final Fantasy XIII overwhelming. That's especially when the game calls you to utilize them with near perfection, and XIII-2 is only a marginal improvement. Lightning Returns uses the same stagger system as its predecessors but elevates it above paradigms. The mechanic is far more critical than it ever has been, and when you pull off a stagger, it feels far more rewarding. And if there's something I challenge even the most ardent Final Fantasy XIII critics to concede, it would be this same stagger system. The fact that it works so well in VII Remake proves that Square-Enix's insistence on sticking with it after decades of criticism was worth it. There's also more weight put on status effects (i.e., buffs and debuffs), and they even last longer. As a result, the "plate-spinning" usually innate to the previous Final Fantasy XIII games feels far less potent. And in terms of making Lightning feel like a complete badass disciple of god seeking to waste heathens and sources of corruption, it leaves you with that feeling, more often than not, with most of the combat resolving in seconds.

The first significant mechanic I want to review separately is the dress and equipment-based ability system. In Lightning Returns, jobs and classes are assigned to Lightning, not through the Crystarium, but through outfits you can don on her. Every suit or dress has specific affinities and stats that it increases or compliments; some even come with a move or two locked in one of four slots associated with that outfit. You can fill empty slots with any unused actions or commands you have gained from completing quests or downing enemies. For example, when you put a maroon dress on Lightning, she earns extra points to her MP bar and has a level-three fire spell. Right from the rip, this system is far more flexible and interactive than either version of the Crystarium. The most prominent downside to this system is immediately apparent. With only three outfits at your disposal in any given battle, and four possible moves to configure, you have a total of TWELVE options to select from on a good day. That's a far cry from the treasure trove of possibilities and moves you had at your disposal in the previous two games, and it conflicts with the sense of creative "dress up" the game seems to be scaffolding. Worse, the game's loot drops of better moves and commands are all over the place, and Lightning Returns' upgrade system is a carbon copy of the incremental upgrade system of Final Fantasy XIII.

Making outfits takes way too long thanks to the menus staying the same.
Making outfits takes way too long thanks to the menus staying the same.

I'm not going to lie and say I didn't discern any modicum of joy in dressing Lightning up with silly outfits and having her spew her lore-heavy lines while looking like a doofus. I enjoy how the accessories are purely cosmetic and add nothing to her stats, and they are there for pure roleplaying purposes. More games with character creation systems should consider having decorations be untied to the levels and abilities of player characters. However, this equipment-based combat system could be better. The first issue is that the game's menu system is the same as Final Fantasy XIII's, and editing and playing around with Schemata is no fun and feels fiddly. There are also many balance issues with this mechanic, but this is often an issue with any class-based RPG. However, there's no more frustrating feeling than, upon completing a long-winded side quest, Lightning nabs a new dress, and it turns out to be worthless compared to others in her possession. There are also a handful of outfits you get at the start and mid-point of the game, which feel incredibly overpowered and eviscerate any sense of difficulty for hours upon end.

This point leads me to a massive "make or break" aspect with this system that I consider neither a "pro" nor a "con." It is merely a fact of the game to be aware of if you end up playing it after reading this post. When the game eventually ratchets up its difficulty, it does so no differently than the odd difficulty spikes in Final Fantasy XIII or XIII-2. You'll often wander a random wasteland wearing the same three outfits that have done you solid for the last two to three hours until the game plops a new enemy, and none of these outfits do a lick of damage on them. In this case, the game requires you to pick up on the moves employed by this enemy, including their possible elemental affinities, and retool your outfits accordingly. On the one hand, having this in place keeps you on your toes and forces you to try out new wardrobes you might not have considered before. Additionally, the climates you are in provide subtle hints about what elements you can expect to encounter. On the other hand, getting KO-ed in Lightning Returns sucks, and there's a trial-and-error element to its random encounters that is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes, I would be in the mid-point of a dungeon, run into a new enemy type, get my ass handed to myself, and need to retool Lightning's shit from scratch to move three paces forward. These difficulty spikes happen out of nowhere, by the way, and pose massive impediments to any given playthrough. Also, this is incredibly selfish, but I HATED it when the game forced me to trash outfits I had spent a considerable amount of time customizing for min-maxed costumes I sloppily made in a few minutes.

This incremental crafting system still sucks and is a waste of your time.
This incremental crafting system still sucks and is a waste of your time.

Speaking of mechanics that I should mention but do not have strong opinions about, let's review how items work in Lightning Returns. At the start of the game, you can only carry five items, including potions, ethers, and Pheonix Downs. There are only a handful of item merchants in the game, with Hope being one of them, and as you complete side quests, you can increase Lightning's pockets to carry up to NINE items. As a result, this game forces you to either reconcile its execution-based gameplay sensibilities or accept that you will need more time to finish it. And by that, your playthrough will likely jump by five to ten hours. The fact that the game caps the number of potions and Phoenix Downs you can carry means that you can't just slop through its final bosses or levels like any other Final Fantasy game. If you fail to grasp the subtle blocking mechanic or never nail the stagger system, you might not be able to finish this game in the first place. As frustrating as that might seem, I have to tip my hat to the people behind this game for finally resolving a common complaint with the Final Fantasy games. Everyone likes to complain that the final levels of modern Final Fantasy games feel like a cakewalk. I wouldn't have gone the brutal route this title went with, but I have to give it to them; it is a solution.

Tangent: The DLC Is FUCKING BUSTED!

DLC that is busted in the meta? SAY IT AIN'T SO!
DLC that is busted in the meta? SAY IT AIN'T SO!

I want to classify this as a side tangent because I want to discuss this point only in a few paragraphs. In Lightning Returns, there are only two ways to increase Lightning's base stats. Unlike in most RPGs, you level up Lightning not through experience point assemblage but through upgrading and collecting new outfits and completing side quests. For now, I want to discuss the former of these two options. Lightning can improve or worsen her ATB meter, HP, MP, or core stats when she dons a new dress. It's a highly unorthodox system but think of it as an odd marriage between the junction system of Final Fantasy VIII with the Dressphere system of Final Fantasy X-2. For the most part, the game does a fine job of making sure the progression of the more advanced and capable outfits coincides with your story progression, but with one MASSIVE exception. If you have any DLC or pre-order bonuses, this gets thrown out of the window. The two most BUSTED outfits include the Cloud Strife First Class SOLDIER armor and the Yuna Summoner dress. For those of you playing the game on an Xbox platform, all of this is still available, and for those that buy the Steam version, it comes packaged in for free. Unfortunately, due to the shutdown of legacy digital marketplaces, PS3 owners are shit out of luck.

DLC and pre-order bonuses being broken is nothing new. Still, in this case, it is worth reviewing because the two outfits I listed above can get anyone through two-thirds of the game without even grappling with some of its core mechanics. The Yuna outfit has an "Elementa" ability that shoots out four orbs, each representing the elements, and hits all targets in a battle with every tier three elemental spell. This is usually a late-tier ability and one that requires a lot of questing to acquire, and you can have it at the start of the game. The Cloud Strife outfit is even more busted because of its unique ability if used when an enemy or boss is staggered. Its "Slayer" ability essentially one-shots all non-boss enemies or, in the case of bosses, halves their HP. The best way I can describe how big a deal these two garbs are is to compare them to the Drake Sword in OG Dark Souls. Like the Drake Sword, you can slop through to about the game's mid-point if you get these outfits early. However, in doing so, you avoid interacting with enemies and levels as intended and skipping possible on-ramps to core mechanics.

At least this outfit looks cool.
At least this outfit looks cool.

Part 5: I Love The Story In This Game?

Up to this point, you might suspect I am anemic on Lightning Returns. I have mostly been unenthused by its mechanics and other gameplay embellishments. That all becomes secondary when talking about the game's story because, on that front, the game is modern Square-Enix in its most potent form, and I mean that as a warning and compliment. This game is the most buck-fucking-wild story they have ever penned short of Final Fantasy VIII, Chrono Cross, or "peak" Kingdom Hearts. It was a fucking rush, and I think I loved it? After things settle following Lightning's attempt to reach out to Snow, Hope summarizes everything that has happened since the events of Final Fantasy XIII-2. With the death of Etro, the goddess of death, everyone in the world of Final Fantasy XIII is now immortal and can't die unless they starve or have some nasty magical shit hit them. All of the NPCs we have seen in the game? Yeah, they're all five hundred years old, including the children!

Oh, word?! THEN WHAT ARE WE DOING HELPING OUT USELESS RANDOS?!
Oh, word?! THEN WHAT ARE WE DOING HELPING OUT USELESS RANDOS?!

Lightning's mission is to perform tasks for the god of creation, Bhunivelze, to abate the incoming end of the world, which is set to start in thirteen days. She does this by completing tasks for NPCs, resulting in them giving their souls to Lightning so she can feed them to the godly flower of Yggdrasil. All of this happens in a big white spaceship in the stars called "the Ark," and whenever the characters talk about god and "salvation," you feel like they are one step away from knocking on people's doors and handing out pamphlets about Jesus Christ. However, as the story progresses, two complications develop. First, Lightning's role as the "Savior" is revealed to be oriented more towards shepherding humanity to a new world rather than altogether averting the destruction of the known universe. Certain characters, like Fang and Snow, call foul to this, which is why they are hesitant to assist Lightning when she reunites with them. Second, a specter named Lumina taunts her along her journey and encourages her to stop her quest to save humanity and give up on ever seeing Serah again. The game presents Lumina as this big mystery, which would have worked if the foreshadowing of her ulterior motives weren't so thick I thought I was being slimed in a live-action Nickelodeon game show circa 1999.

The schlock continues when you start the "real" story in Luxerion. When Lightning arrives, she walks into a murder scene. She discovers an apocalyptic cult is sacrificing women that look like her in the belief they can appease the god of creation to make a new universe where death returns. Next is a whacky series of hijinx to track down the headquarters of these cultists and identify who their leader might be. That leader is dramatically revealed to be none other than Noel, and I thought that was the funniest shit in the world. Noel has had hundreds of years to move on from the death of Serah and process his failure to protect Yeul, and instead, he started a death cult. He wants to end the world because the only two sets of tits he has ever seen are dead. That's his story arc. It's the dumbest shit imaginable, yet the game has Noel say all of this directly into the camera with deadpan seriousness. It's the best. And after Lightning beats Noel in a battle, she slaps him in the face and knocks some sense into him that there must be another way to bring Serah back, and then all of the cultists disappear without any pomp or circumstance.

This is also an AMAZING putdown from Lightning to Noel.
This is also an AMAZING putdown from Lightning to Noel.

It's worth noting that all the characters have the same motivations as they did in Final Fantasy XIII. Snow is sad that Serah is gone, and Lightning needs to punch him in the face to not be a sorry sack of shit. Fang is gay for Vanille but only in a PG-13 hand-holding way and needs to convince her not to perform a ritual to end the world so they can continue holding hands. Noel, Yeul, and Caius are thrown in to remind you Final Fantasy XIII-2 exists, but even they have been soft-rebooted to revert them to their original states. Caius is pissy because Yeul is stuck in a loop where she always dies, and Noel refuses to do anything about it because he's failed one too many times to have it in him to try again. It's the same shit you have seen before, and in some cases, this is the third time you have seen these character arcs. However, it works this time because the characters FINALLY have distinctive personalities beyond mad, sad, and happy. Caius has an impeccable shit-eating grin when he gets the last laugh, and Fang has a fun moment where she throws her hands in the air when she realizes all she's been doing for the past five hundred years is searching for MacGuffins. With this game not giving a shit about taking itself seriously, the characters and voice actors finally get to let their hair down. That makes the story miles better than any of the previous games set in the Final Fantasy XIII universe.

Right... at some point I do need to talk about Lumina.
Right... at some point I do need to talk about Lumina.

However, the greatest beneficiary of Lightning Returns' rampant silliness is its namesake: Lightning. While I could moan about how this is Square-Enix's third soft-reboot of the character with the same parts they have used TWICE PRIOR, it's hard to get that angry when things work as well as they do. From the onset, Lightning is the same stone-faced stoic she was in Final Fantasy XIII. However, as you interact more and more with the NPCs and the main quests of any given environment or level, you start to experience her recurring storyline. The initially gruff and spartan soldier becomes invested in the people she talks to and helps, making her "turn" at the end of the game highly believable. There are plenty of times when Lightning has this sense of "Oh, GOD, I hate this mission and don't want to be here listening to this guy talk about his problems!" but that slowly gives way to missions where Lightning sounds increasingly more earnest and even joins in on the fun from time to time. I have played the XIII games with English and Japanese voice acting, but Ali Hillis is better than her Japanese counterpart this time. I always felt that with a better script, she could have done wonders to elevate Lightning as a character in Final Fantasy XIII, and luckily she got to do that here. During the infamous "Meow Meow Choco Chow" scene, she does a far better job conveying a sense of "God, I hate my life and everyone around me right now."

Bonus: The Great Valkyrie Profile Conspiracy Theory

Let's return to how you level up Lightning. As mentioned earlier, there are no traditional levels in this game, and Lightning improves her stats by collecting newer and better outfits or completing side quests. When it comes to side quests when you complete one, a "Misson Accomplished" screen pops up and displays which stats that particular mission boosted, and the rewards are all over the place with little rhyme or reason. For example, at Luxerion, there's a mission titled "Suspicious Spheres," and it requires Lightning to run around the world, find three mysterious orbs floating around the city, and return to the quest giver after she has found them. Conversely, the "Girl Who Cried Wolf" quest requires Lightning to track multiple phone booths, talk to an NPC, and find a girl in a different location HOURS after you theoretically start the mission. The first mission, a short fetch quest, rewards HP +40, Strength +4, and Magic +2, and the second quest, a multi-part and even time-sensitive process, nets Lightning HP +40, Strength +2, and Magic +4. In this case, and endlessly throughout the game, the shorter side quests are better or on par with the longer ones that can take multiple in-game days to complete.

That's certainly one way to approach stat growth. I'm still unsure if I like it.
That's certainly one way to approach stat growth. I'm still unsure if I like it.

There are other issues to discuss regarding the game's side quest system, such as the lack of NPC quest markers, the mini-map sucking complete ass, and the utter lack of sign-posting for these missions, but that's a topic for the next episode. Overall, I enjoyed the side quests because they are cheaply made but emotionally honest. As I played the game, I couldn't help but respect what the game was trying to do. I don't know if assisting Bhakti to deal with the inevitability of death or conferring with Gordon Gourmet to reconcile his differences with his father will stick with me forever. Still, for now, I cherish them like they are otherworldly possessions that give me the spiritual strength to defeat Satan. The writers tried incredibly hard to put these big goofy-looking people and objects alongside the main plot, and while the result is bewildering, you have to respect their hustle. Outside of the game's ending, the side quests provide some of the best laughs you'll get and some of its most memorable moments. Every time I initiated a mission and saw a different Unreal Engine autogenerated NPC clad in the same shitty accessories I could don on Lightning, it made my heart flutter. When I noticed how the hats on the NPCs aren't even touching their heads, and there's a line of space the developers didn't manage to catch, I fucking whooped, I tell you, I whooped.

However, completing these side quests and interacting with NPCs to make Lightning stronger is a friendly reminder of a curious "conspiracy theory" associated with Lightning Returns that many have forgotten. Completing missions to increase your character's stats is not a novel idea. One such game that employs a similar concept to Lightning Returns is Valkyrie Profile, a classic game in tri-Ace's back catalog. In Valkyrie Profile, experience points are obtained from exploring dungeons and completing tasks either identified in the dungeon or prior. After completing a task or mission, these event-oriented experience points are divided among party members however the player sees fit. Also like Lightning Returns, Valkyrie Profile is divided into short arenas and chapters, with each chapter and day bestowing different items and pieces of equipment. The similarities between the two games are so uncanny that there's been a fan theory that Lightning Returns is a scrapped or rejected prototype for a Valkyrie Profile game.

And some of the environments feel like fancier versions of Valkyrie Profile levels.
And some of the environments feel like fancier versions of Valkyrie Profile levels.

As the theory goes, tri-Ace wanted to make a new game in the franchise after Valkyrie Profile: Covenant of the Plume, but Square-Enix wasn't interested and needed the studio to tag along and assist with Final Fantasy XIII-2. Again, all of this is hearsay, but as the theory claims, when the time came to make Lightning Returns, tri-Ace offered up their prototype to serve as the game's skeleton. It is essential to say that Square-Enix maintains Lightning Returns is a Square Enix 1st Production Department project through and through, and tri-Ace assisted with visuals, cinematics, and engine-oriented programming. I prefer to give Square-Enix the benefit of the doubt. Also, this theory overbills the cache of Valkyrie Profile and how much tri-Ace even values it as an IP. There are as many similarities between Resonance of Fate and Lightning Returns as there are between it and Valkyrie Profile, but no one seems to be putting on their tin foil hats for that one. Still, I would also not discount them putting out feelers when they started working on the game and a tri-Ace employee describing Valkyrie Profile bleeding into the game we now call Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII. No matter; it's a fun debate topic I wanted to bring up before I closed out this first outing. When we meet next time, I plan to get into the structure of missions, boss battles, and the wonderful time I had with Noel, Snow, and Vanille.

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I Like Myst And Riven And Have Thoughts About Scorn. (i.e., Stop Comparing Every Atmospheric Puzzle Game To Myst)

I'm A Myst Weirdo And Thought Scorn Was "Okay"

You might be shocked to know I did not hate this puzzle. (i.e., I give this a 6/10)
You might be shocked to know I did not hate this puzzle. (i.e., I give this a 6/10)

I'm too late to join the Giant Bomb Game Pass Game Club, but I finally played Scorn and have some thoughts to share. I gravitated towards the game thanks to its short playtime, which is increasingly becoming an asset with my advancing age. I was also intrigued by its impeccable environmental and level design. While I am the furthest from being a horror fan, I have a recreational appreciation for the works of H.R. Giger and the Aliens films. And for the first hour, the game delivered what I wanted from it. Its starting environment is a bit too big for what it is attempting to accomplish, but it does a great job setting the game's tone and atmosphere. The tutorial level even emphasizes exploring and observing environmental context clues to solve puzzles, which tickled me pink. And then I got to the first gun, and the game started to fall apart for me. I know there are alternatives, but every attempt I made to use weapons felt like absolute dogshit. Also, despite the game's compelling start, there's no real story, and its worldbuilding is virtually nonexistent. That quibble surprised me because many people compared this game to Myst after its release in either an attempt to rationalize its creative choices or pooh-pooh them. Still, I'm getting ahead of myself with that one.

I'm going to use the term piggybacking when talking about Riven , and this is a perfect example.
I'm going to use the term piggybacking when talking about Riven , and this is a perfect example.

My issues with the combat got marginally better when I discovered you could avoid virtually every combat sequence through stealth. However, at best, the stealth system is two or three pips better than attempting to use the pew-pew laser pistol. For example, if you gave me a choice between syphilis and polio, I would pick syphilis, but with no enthusiasm. However, from the game's mid-point forward, most puzzles feel disconnected from the game and exist primarily to show you new grotesque visuals or animations. Doing horrible things to a corpse or barely alive NPC felt like actions that exist for the sake of existing rather than scaffolding a greater sense of the world and its ecosystem. And while I like a good brain teaser or complex puzzle more than the average person, Scorn's puzzles are wildly unbalanced, with a few at the start being some of the hardest in the game and a few at the end making me want to bang my head on a brick wall. More bizarre is the large swath of puzzles that feel too simple to justify existing because you resolve them in only a few mouse or button clicks.

Again, my complaints are close to the general reaction most have had to the game. However, I jumped into Scorn with the best possible mindset the developers could have asked for, yet I still ended up mildly disappointed. Unlike most, I did not go into the game expecting a modern horror experience or a seamless visceral shooter. When I heard publications, and even some staff and users here, call the game "Horror Myst," I went into it expecting a game structured like Myst or Riven. As many of you can tell by the title of this blog, I emphatically believe that is not the case. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that people who said this haven't even bothered to play Myst, and I can tell you why I think that. Dear reader, I served with Myst in many battles on the internet. I know Myst. Myst is a good friend of mine. Dear reader, Scorn is no Myst, and we need to discuss why that's the case.

The Normalization of "Myst Slander" Is Something Everyone Is Okay With, And They Shouldn't

This still stands as a top five all-time greatest starts in video games for me, at least.
This still stands as a top five all-time greatest starts in video games for me, at least.

Scorn has become another opportunity for many in the gaming community to repeat the same rhetoric that drives many adventure game fans crazy. When an atmospheric puzzle or adventure game comes out, Myst is what it is compared to, and its observable shortcomings are Myst's fault. So, Scorn has instructible puzzle boxes or escape room sequences? Time to point your finger at Myst and the "awful" game design Cyan supposedly codified when they essentially ruled the world. This sentiment has even permeated into the game development scene, with some developers willing to feign praise for Myst and Riven for being important but calling perceived poor design choices in both "bullshit." There was also that weird period when Tim Schaffer started to dabble with Kickstarter and when people wouldn't shut up about Telltale's The Walking Dead. They heralded both as "THE RETURN OF THE ADVENTURE GAME!"

And let me tell you, whenever I see people say these things, I want to fucking puke. The fucking disrespect you must commit to, not just Myst but also to Riven, The Longest Journey, Syberia, Gabriel Knight 2, and Broken Sword is unfathomable. You don't need to like Myst; you don't. However, you should at least respect, and not denigrate, how the late 1990s and early 2000s were NOT an adventure game, "Dark Age," even if Sierra and LucasArts pivoted away from the genre. That Dark Age never existed. The Miller brothers, Charles Cecil, Ragnar Tørnquist, and Benoît Sokal, kept the genre alive and turned it into a massive money maker for the industry. If you don't believe me, consider this. The only Diablo to ever outsell Myst is Diablo III. No individual title in the Doom, Command & Conquer, and Age of Empires franchises, even when you account for re-releases and remasters, has ever surpassed the lifetime sales of Myst. Saying the 1990s was the era of arena shooters and CRPGs is demonstrably wrong. Adventure games were keeping the lights on, and it wasn't until the novelty of multimedia experiences waned in the late 2000s that things pivoted in the industry on the PC front. For fuck's sake, Riven HEADLINED Apple's keynote conference finale during MacWorld 1998 for a reason!

You may argue that Myst and Riven moved the genre mechanically in the wrong direction with obtuse puzzle design and inscrutable pre-rendered levels. Honestly, go back and play Myst, and you'll be shocked at how small that game is and how easy it is to grapple with its core reasoning with each of its brain teasers or logic puzzles. Things get dicier with Riven, but even there, you can't deny that it bore massive fruits and design lessons from which the industry and consumers benefited in the long run. For example, Myst and The 7th Guest are widely considered the "killer apps" that sold consumers on CD-ROMs. Myst and Riven captivated non-traditional game audiences and demographics, and the industry expanded thanks to that groundwork. Riven's then enormous production budget and casting forced many studios to take the quality of acting in video games seriously and consider paying actors a decent wage.

Some bring up the fact Myst was made using Apple HyperCard instead of a standard game engine as evidence that either Myst isn't a "real" video game or that none of its teachable moments in game design present genuine lessons to the industry. These people act as if that wasn't a monumental technological achievement or that it lacked widespread impacts on the industry. Both points are utterly wrong. A handful of you on this site might recall a time when Activision did not exist. There was a brief time when the company was called Mediagenic and began investing in business software and technology as much as they did in video game development. That happened because the company's leaders saw Myst and a HyperCard demo and were so impressed they decided to embark on a three-year experiment that almost bankrupted the company. That, in turn, led to the rise of Bobby Kotick. Only a handful of games on this planet can say they shook the industry to its core, and Myst and Riven are two that have that claim to fame.

Myst Is Not A Contextless Series Of Escape Room Puzzles, But Scorn Sure Is!

I want to return to my primary objection to Scorn. While instinctive and bound to get a rise out of the average person, the puzzles feel disconnected from building a wholeness to the game's world. Similarly, there comes the point in Scorn when it simply stops giving a fuck about telling a story and ebbs by on its atmosphere. I would go so far as to say Scorn barely has a story, and when it suddenly decides to drop all of its lore during its final hour, that is when I enjoyed it the least. That, for whatever reason, has been a primary reason for people to compare it to Myst and Riven. Push even the harshest critics of the series to say something nice, and you usually get the same one or two comments. You can typically get them to admit that the games were visually stunning and technological masterpieces at the time of their release. However, they will immediately contend that the Myst games are actionless and listless, with only a tiny percent of your experience providing anything that remotely resembles a cohesive narrative. The truth to that sentiment depends on what you want to get out of any playthrough of Myst or Riven, and I cannot deny it is impossible to avoid it happening to you. Where I push back violently is when people characterize Myst and Riven as Ur examples of "vibe games" that coast on their visuals and atmosphere to carry the entire experience. People enjoy forgetting that the franchise is based around a family that can travel to different worlds, or Ages, through magical books. Or that Riven features a ten-minute cutscene where Gehn lays out his reasons for attempting to establish an autocratic rule over his Age.

Or that there's a recorder in Gehn's office, and all it has is a single recording of his now dead wife, and there are hundreds of slots, and that's the only occupied slot.

The Myst franchise cares a LOT about you exploring your surroundings to learn more about the inner workings of its Ages and worlds. Maybe you didn't find everything in any given entry, but that leads to one of the series' most intriguing aspects: its multiple endings. You unlock different end routes depending on how you interact with the Ages. Contrary to popular belief, you don't actually need to solve every brain teaser in Myst or Riven to complete them. Some routes are faster than others, but seeking everything presented to you from the onset is a challenge only for those who actively seek it. It is a system far more complex and intricate than anything Scorn has working for it narratively in its background. Likewise, have any of you seen the time and effort Cyan put into the live-action scenes for Riven? You only spend time doing the backbreaking work of making sets from scratch if you have significant storytelling aspirations for your game.

But I get it. You want to hear a Myst and Riven die-hard defend Cyan's puzzle design! First, it is essential to take notes when playing any classic Myst title, especially Riven, which was at the time not beyond the pale of the adventure game genre. Sierra, LucasArts, Infocom, Westwood, and Virgin Interactive adventure games expected you to either use the "Notes" section of the provided physical game manual or your own notebook, and Myst was no different. Shit, even consoles with password save systems or cheat codes at the time still demanded as much. With notes and graph paper, most puzzles are exponentially more straightforward. That's especially the case when you must transcribe and transliterate alien languages and number systems. Second, the level design of the Myst games involves a proto-Souls template we are all too familiar with today. With much of this design now codified law in specific sub-genres, an argument can be made playing Myst is easier for certain people. Regardless of how far or minute it might be from the player's starting position, every observable monument or landmark is indeed explorable and likely the lynchpin to a puzzle or cinematic set piece. If you can see something, there is a way for you to get there, and if you can hear something, the game is trying to draw your attention. Pipes usually point towards cardinal coordinates, and wires track to other locations. There are subtle ways every screen allows the player to use scenery to map environments, and nothing you look at is ever a throwaway. Unlike Scorn and many imitators, everything in a Myst game has cohesion and tries to communicate context clues about what you need to do and how. It doesn't just plop you into a room full of hostile aliens that will murder you if you don't shift the pieces of a puzzle cube into the correct slots in a limited amount of time.

This scene blew my goddamn mind when I first saw it.
This scene blew my goddamn mind when I first saw it.

Yes, there are times in Myst and Riven when you need to engage in pixel hunts, which can expend your patience as quickly as anything in Scorn. The pre-rendered screens and backgrounds often take advantage of optical illusions and perspective work that can be hard to see. However, Scorn had twenty-nine years of game development to work from that Myst didn't. Let's also not pretend that even the legends of the "Golden Age" of adventure games were not immune to the same stumbling points that Cyan made in Myst. Raise your hand if you knew which stone to click for Full Throttle's Brick Wall Puzzle when you first encountered it. Do I need to say the words "Goat Puzzle" to activate the nightmares of Broken Sword fans? Gabriel Knight 3 has the Moustache Puzzle, a puzzle so byzantine and infamous that it has its own Wikipedia page. Now consider this fact: Myst predates all those games by a year or more.

The Way People Use Myst As A Catch All Justifiably Pisses Off Other Communities When It Is Their Game Of Choice In That Position

I'm not a fan of Souls games. I have completed two Dark Souls games and am busy at work on Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin. All these experiences have made me confident that I am not capable or willing to derive joy from the Souls sub-genre and its mechanical quirks. However, seeing so many previews, reviews, and threads characterizing Scorn as "Myst-like" makes me more appreciative of Souls fans. I get it now. I finally understand why Souls fans bristle whenever they hear any role-playing game with open-world environmental storytelling or repeat player-character death described as "Souls-like." Just because Scorn is an atmospheric puzzle adventure game doesn't make it "like Myst." The same goes for challenging puzzles. Seeing every single adventure or puzzle game be called "Myst-like" because it has one or two tricky logic puzzles drives me up the wall.

I will admit these games are a vibe.
I will admit these games are a vibe.

A puzzle being complicated or relying on you fiddling around with weird gears for ten minutes doesn't make it on par with the ones in Myst. Again, what makes the Myst franchise so special is how much craft and care goes into piggybacking the player into knowing where to look for clues or how to find new locations or puzzles. Meticulous detail is injected into every frame and screen, and, as a result, every screen is distinct from the previous one. When Scorn drops you into a new area, and you don't know where to go because everything looks the same, be aware that doesn't happen in Myst or Riven. The Ages, or in-game worlds, always emphasize scale and scope and do tremendous work to communicate that to you every step of the way. In Riven, the player's starting position becomes a speck when they summit a mountain, and from that new perspective, you can notice scaffolds, walkways, and pipes snaking around to future locations in the game. That sense of scale was unheard of in 1993 with Myst and was still impressive in 1997 with Riven. If and when you get teleported or locked into a location, the game always moves to communicate a new batch of lore, context clues, and worldbuilding. The NPCs in the Myst franchise tell you precisely what you need to do and who you need to worry about as you do it. If that happened at least a half dozen times in Scorn, it would have spared me from so much frustration.

People cite the Myst games' characters sometimes speaking in an unsubtitled alien language as a demerit. However, a lot of consideration is put into the writing and acting of these scenes. Even if you don't take the time to bother translating anything, you can register the intent of the performances from their inflections and emotional expressions. However, if you take the time to rewatch scenes and audio logs to record and translate them, you will learn more about the world, characters, and story. Taking that step is optional and only for the most die-hard fans, but it is there, and the game even provides all the tools to make it happen. Even the most inscrutable puzzles in Riven often have context clues wherein the player can register the purpose of devices from the scenery and nearby objects surrounding them. A bear trap next to pellets is quickly discerned as a trap for frogs, and pathways hidden behind doors is the game doubling down on its general philosophy that everything is permitted when you want to move forward in the story. Myst and Riven's "everything and the kitchen sink" approach to environmental storytelling and puzzle design is easier to process than Scorn's "maybe, sometimes" approach. Once you grapple with the core logic of a Myst game, you are basically set for the entire franchise. On the other hand, Scorn exists in a microcosm where its core logic exists entirely in a vacuum.

Scorn Has An Identity Issue. Myst And Riven Have An Identity, And Cyan Knows Their Target Audience Perfectly

If you are wondering if I own the re-release of Myst that runs on Unreal... I do.
If you are wondering if I own the re-release of Myst that runs on Unreal... I do.

That last point in the previous paragraph is something I wish to discuss in more depth. Every area in Scorn has subtle but significant changes in how to play it from previous ones. That in and of itself is not why I think the game has an "identity crisis," but when combined with its awful combat and shooting sequences, it feels like a game that doesn't know what it wants to be. I don't know what motivated Ebb Software to include the stealth and shooting levels in Scorn, but considering how poorly they play and control, it feels like they were out of their element. The slow but moody pacing during player exploration and self-discovery sequences immediately clash against the action-oriented ones, making the game feel like a herky-jerky mess. And the lack of balance with the difficulty of the game's puzzles suggests another flaw. They either ran out of novel puzzle ideas after a certain point or rushed through certain parts of the game's development (i.e., Q&A or focus testing).

In this regard, I again press critics of Myst or those that reviewed Scorn and declared this issue endemic to the Myst franchise. Say what you will about Cyan, but they know their audience and have never prompted them to stomach uncomfortable combat sequences no one asked for, even when it was the zeitgeist in the industry. When everyone included stealth sequences in their adventure games (i.e., Dreamfall, Beyond Good & Evil, etc.), the Myst franchise remained true to its style and aesthetic. It and Cyan continue to do so to this day, even twenty-seven years after the release of Myst on the Macintosh computer. If the Dragon Quest franchise has proven anything, small evolutions to an established franchise can be as important as big earthshattering ones. From Myst to Myst IV, when the series introduced a new mechanic or aesthetic with a different area or Age, you could bet there would be cheap imitators that would emulate them. Myst V ditching FMV live-action actors marked the end of an era, and, again, the industry and genre followed suit.

A puzzle cooler than anything in Scorn.
A puzzle cooler than anything in Scorn.

I also don't understand why people speak of Myst sticking to its guns across decades of video game history as a bad thing. The Souls games span over ten years, and even more if you want to throw in King's Field, and have been praised for remaining faithful to what their audience has come to expect. Supergiant Games has aesthetical hallmarks that make it unmistakable that something they have touched is theirs. DoubleFine and Tim Schafer have a style of comedic storytelling most actively seek out when a new project of theirs gets announced. But, okay, it's cool to dunk on Myst and Riven because sometimes you have to click on levers while looking at pre-rendered backgrounds. Cyan and the Miller brothers are happy to no longer be on the "throne" of the cutting edge and are perfectly content with making games for the audience that got them through good times and bad. I fail to see how that's not an admirable accomplishment considering they have been making games for over thirty years.

The Myst franchise is no longer "that series," but the Miller brothers are still kicking around and happy to be making games, and so are their fans. To a certain degree, Cyan is aware of who buys their games, and they plan accordingly. When the Miller brothers and figureheads behind Myst retire and look back at their body of work, they will not suffer because of what their games are not or did not do. I feel confident that they will look back and say, "Yeah, we probably shouldn't have made an MMO, but everything else sure was a lot of fun!" To a certain degree, we will all say some permutation of that when we get to that stage of our lives, or at least I hope. When the recently restored Cyan announced a complete remaster of Riven this year, I could not help but get excited. I was only nine years old when Riven was released. Playing it was a formative experience in my life, and for that alone, it still stands as one of my all-time favorite games ever. I never used hint forums or guides, and it took me five whole weeks of almost non-stop playing to see the game's good ending. I consider it a masterpiece, and nearly every game in the series. But before I sign off, I recommend Dark Seed if you want to play an H. R. Giger-styled adventure experience instead of Scorn.

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The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzles - The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate [Part 2]

Author's Note: This is the second part to a two-part retrospective on The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate. If you missed the first episode, here's a link:

If you enjoy this blog and would like to read my other adventure game retrospectives, here's a list of my previous episodes of this series:

The Weird Racist Section On The Boat

There's something about this boat sequence that really reminds me of the boat sequence in The Longest Journey.
There's something about this boat sequence that really reminds me of the boat sequence in The Longest Journey.

Using A Magnet To Throw Off The Ship's Navigation - [Rating: 2/10] - When we left, Zanthia was boarding a ship for what she assumed would be heading for Volcania, the entry point for the center of Kyrandia. However, after talking to the captain once the boat departs, she discovers it is running in a different direction. The following sequence is a timed mission, and if you do not fix the ship's course within a specific amount of time, Zanthia will die. The good news is that adjusting the ship's auto-pilot is as simple as putting Zanthia's magnetized horseshoe in a coil of rope next to the navigational system and forcing it to pivot towards Volcania. The seamen throw Zanthia overboard when the ship arrives, and the game transitions to the next scene.

This puzzle is straightforward, and there's not much to discuss on the difficulty front. The time limit can be frustrating, but in your first playthrough, simply interacting with the seamen provides enough hints about the auto-pilot being the crux of the sequence. As such, I cannot imagine someone not figuring this out independently. I like to think of the ship sequence in The Longest Journey as an homage to this short bit in Hand of Fate. Unfortunately, I also need to discuss what happens if you fail to figure things out within the time limit. In that case, Zanthia is transported to Mustard Island, which we discover is populated by natives that also happen to be cannibals. Hand of Fate is a 1993 release, and the native people look EXACTLY LIKE YOU ARE PROBABLY THINKING IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW! It's an incredibly off-putting moment and another reminder of the need for greater diversity in the games industry.

I honestly feel bad just for including this image.
I honestly feel bad just for including this image.

Volcania

You sure do circle around this island a whole lot during this part.
You sure do circle around this island a whole lot during this part.

Collecting A Bunch Of Seashells - [Rating: 3/10] - If you recall from the previous episode, you may remember my several hints about Volcania being the most hated portion of this game. I stand by that, even if I understand and appreciate the game's intent. With Volcania, Hand of Fate hits you with every expected joke about the grind of bureaucracy and, in particular, the United States Department of Motor Vehicles (i.e., DMV). Even if you don't live in the United States, most of these jokes hold weight because they are generalized enough spoofs of usual bureaucratic and government silliness. The problem with this tomfoolery is that it comes at the expense of fun, as the game needs you to circle a loop on the island, picking up seashells to exchange for different trinkets. You'll also need to pick up two heavy rocks, a stick, and a random empty flask while you explore the island if you have any hope of finishing the game. The rocks are important because, when Zanthia attempts to travel into the core of the planet, she realizes she needs something to weigh her down and if she lacks the two large rocks, the steam vents will shoot her back out to the island exterior.

The primary quest givers on Volcania each have a MacGuffin that Zanthia requires before she can make the trek into the planet's center. Each quest-giver asks for one or two of three possible currency types on the island (i.e., starfishes, sand dollars, and seashells) and these items spawn randomly on the island. What is incredibly annoying is that the game will cease spawning certain shell types after you have picked up an unspecified amount. Worse, you need more space in your inventory for everything the various quest-givers will ask of you during this level than the game provides. So, you can't circle the island once, pick everything up, and complete the level. Instead, you'll need to pick up what you can and, upon talking to someone who asks for something you lack, circle around the island another time. You'll need to do this several times before you complete the level, and it fucking sucks! Like I repeatedly said in the previous episode, this part of the game isn't by any stretch of the word "hard," but it is unnecessarily tedious and annoying.

You can also use the leather folio to make the optional red shoe potion.
You can also use the leather folio to make the optional red shoe potion.

Getting A Leather Folio - [Rating: 1/10] - While Zanthia navigates Volcania, one of the first people she encounters is a man sitting on a red couch. This person, who perfectly embodies the "Casanova Wannabe" trope, offers to provide a folio about the island and how to reach the center of the planet for two starfish. When you oblige, he hands over the pamphlet without any fuss though his attempts to hit on Zanthia are what you'd expect. Again, I cannot fault the game designers too much for what they did with Volcania. The game tells you exactly what you need to collect and how much. That said, it's just not a fun process, even if the game is shooting at all cylinders with the quality of its writing. You can also use the leather folio to create the red Flying Shoe Potion, but this potion is optional. To see the Easter Egg involving this potion, mix the folio, bottled steam from a vent, and a quill in the cauldron and see what happens when you apply the final brew to Zanthia.

Oh, God, this fucking puzzle. Fuck me.
Oh, God, this fucking puzzle. Fuck me.

The Department Of Anchor Guidance - [Rating: 6/10] - The big culminating set piece with Volcania involves a parody of the American DMV, called the "Department Of Anchor Guidance." The department blocks access to the inner cave system that leads to the legendary anchor Zanthia needs to acquire to stop the world from ending. And yet, hilariously, the department refuses to break from its bureaucratic protocol. The first clerk Zanthia encounters requires four regular seashells to complete the first form Zanthia needs to fill out, but when she attempts to complete the second step, the clerk states she will need to stand behind a yellow line and wait for a different attendant. After clicking at him for two whole minutes, this clerk arrives and requests four sand dollars, and when you try to move to the third and final step, she states the previous clerk is the only person who can complete that step, and you will need to wait. He'll ask for four starfish, by the way! Again, the issue is NOT that the game is challenging, confusing, or unclear with its intentions. The problem is that when you find a new attendant and need more of their requested currency, you must loop around the island again and deal with the same overwrought dialogue whenever you try to talk to them.

Getting Registration To Use An Air Vent - [Rating: 5/10] - This might be a weird sequencing glitch, but I have never had to do this activity in my two playthroughs. After completing the last step with the department attendants, I immediately jump into a steam vent and don't have any issues. However, near the Department Of Anchor Guidance is an elderly couple, and they run one of the steam vents that lead to the caves below. They first request six sand dollars and then six starfishes. Both demands are the steepest amounts you will find on the whole island and require two circuits searching for the needed materials. As with everything on the island, I applaud the designers for clarifying their volitions. Also, the back-and-forth dialogue between the characters is genuinely funny and well done. Nevertheless, the execution of this sequence is no goddamn fun to play. The words "Are you fucking kidding me?" and "FUCKING AGAIN?!" escaped my mouth during this bit, and some permutation will likely escape yours as well if you play Hand of Fate.

The Lava Cave

Do you enjoy picking up random objects in video games? Then Hand of Fate is for you!
Do you enjoy picking up random objects in video games? Then Hand of Fate is for you!

Needing To Pick Up A Bunch Of Shit At The Lava Cave - [Rating: 4/10] - When Zanthia uses a steam vent to reach the lava cave, she'll lose most of her inventory items and need to scrounge for resources before properly continuing her journey. From her starting position, pick up a starfish, a heavy rock, and a lump of lead before continuing to her left. Pick up an empty flask and pay note of a giant dinosaur guarding a passageway. From here, move Zanthia right one screen and cross a bridge to see another big dinosaur. Pick up a stick, another lump of lead, "Crystal Fuzz" from a crystal tree, and another heavy rock. Starting a new level with an item collection mini-quest is every Kyrandia game's "jam," and that's no different here.

There are two quibbles worth addressing in this area. First, the lava cave is an incredibly "busy" environment. Telling apart what portions of the foreground or background are explorable or interactable is unclear. I always need to remember to click on the crystal tree to pick up the crystal fuzz because the tree is a random background texture that looks the same as other trees you have seen countless times before. However, the more significant issue is that beginning with Volcania, Hand of Fate ceases to utilize its open-world template. Instead, it has a particular set of steps you need to complete before moving forward. If you decide to explore the cave, and all subsequent levels, in whatever order you please, you'll end up running into a ton of red herrings that will confuse the fuck out of you if you are not careful. Nonetheless, this particular sequence isn't that bad, considering the number of explorable levels is minute.

Look at Zanthia striking a pose when solving puzzles. What a legend!
Look at Zanthia striking a pose when solving puzzles. What a legend!

Making The Teddy Bear Spell - [Rating: 7/10] - It's time to brew a new potion, but this one is one of the few recipes you have from the start of the game. From where you picked up all of the random shit from earlier, move Zanthia up one screen. On this screen, Zanthia should be in front of a stegosaurus behaving like a dog. Before you mess around with this dinosaur, locate and pick up a rock shaped like a heart. Use the Alchemist's Magnet on this rock to turn this into a golden heart. Now, return to the dinosaur and use the stick from earlier to play a game of fetch with it. Eventually, the dinosaur will run into a wall and cause a stone to fall and plug a steam vent, which causes a different one to blow steam strong enough to push Zanthia to the cave's roof. When she steps on this steam vent, she automatically picks up two pebbles, and upon examining them, they are identified as looking like the eyes of a toy. That's your hint to make the "Teddy Bear Potion," which requires crystal fuzz, a golden heart, and two pebbles. Putting these three objects into the cauldron allows you to bottle the potion in a flask, and using the bottled elixir on Zanthia provides her with a teddy bear.

Some of the potions I have relayed in this retrospective are "technically" optional but highly recommended, given an upcoming puzzle near the end of the game. The teddy bear spell is a required spell, but the game does a terrible job of communicating why that is the case. When you decide to hop on the T-Rex, Zanthia uses the teddy bear to keep the beast moving forward, but you don't simply use the potion or toy on the dinosaur. Instead, you have Zanthia hop on the reptile and she automatically applies the toy without your input. Furthermore, the lava cave doesn't in and of itself do a lot to direct you that it is a stepping stone towards making this spell. However, I think the "tell" when you pick up the two pebbles is decent enough, and this feels like a logical point to make a new potion after a reasonably long break. Likewise, at least you only need three ingredients for this one.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT SOONER!
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT SOONER!

Getting Into The Chamber Of The Anchor - [Rating: 2/10] - It's time to return to that T-Rex! Use one of the ledges to hop on its back and go for a short joyride. After the ride comes to a stop, a part of Zanthia's dress will rip and allow her to pick up an article of red cloth. When you return to the dinosaur guarding the door, you can use this cloth to matador the beast into the door, knock it out, and smash the door open. However, the dinosaur must be facing the correct direction, in this case, facing the door, which could require you to leave and return. Figuring out to use the red cloth with the triceratops isn't that large of a leap, and the route the T-Rex takes places Zanthia one screen away from them, which is a pretty clever hint the two are connected. Besides the randomness of the last step regarding the direction of the triceratops, this was one of the lava cave's more straightforward puzzles.

Compare this screen to the one where Zanthia was throwing a stick to play fetch. Notice the rock and steam vent.
Compare this screen to the one where Zanthia was throwing a stick to play fetch. Notice the rock and steam vent.

Getting Out Of The Lava Cave - [Rating: 6/10] - Congratulations! You have finally reached the planet's center and can pick up a legendary "Anchor Stone!" However, Marko uses a teleport to tell Zanthia that the problem with the world is NOT the Anchor Stone and, instead, the "Wheel of Fate." Before you exit the main chamber, remember to have Zanthia pick up a new page of her potion book and an Anchor Stone from the pile in front of her. Equally important is an overactive steam vent. Have her use one of the heavy rocks on the duct to plug it. When you exit the room, you will notice how the middle pool of lava is gyrating and shaking more than before you entered the anchor room. What you need to do next is use the various heavy rocks in the cave to block the active steam vents to cause this lava pool to jettison Zanthia out of the cave. These ducts are spread across the cave, and so are the rocks.

After filling the first vent, the fastest route I found was to move right, pick up the second rock, see the second vent, use the rock on it, move right again, find another stone, locate the vent, use the stone on it, move up to the dog dinosaur, and fill the final vent with the last boulder. Luckily, the rocks are almost always next to the vents you use them on or on the same screen. However, the initial hint that using the rocks on the vents is how you trigger the lava pool is a bit on the abstract side. All the game provides is a single environmental clue that you have done something to move Zanthia to the next level, and that's not enough. That's doubly the case considering using the rocks in the first place is in no way connected to everything you have done up to this point.

The Enchanted Forest

Notice the random hole I clicked to get this Walnut. THAT'S KIND OF FUCKED UP!
Notice the random hole I clicked to get this Walnut. THAT'S KIND OF FUCKED UP!

Getting Rid Of The Knight That Guards The Bridge - [Rating: 8/10] - We now transition to one of the most substantial set pieces in the game. The Enchanted Forest is a visual tour de force and one of the trickier playing sequences, especially regarding its final big culminating potion-based puzzle. Right from the rip, the starting level presents the initial gimmick of its petrified forest, preventing Zanthia from moving forward. To deal with that, she'll need to find a way to calm the forest down. To do that, pick up a pinecone and then examine a hole Zanthia created when she was shot into the woods from the cave. The crater provides a flask, and upon moving left, Zanthia will find a bridge guarded by a knight. The knight does not murder Zanthia if she tries to get around him, but he's steadfast about rebuking her attempts to move past him. However, there's a TON of random shit you need to pick up at the bridge before continuing. That includes twigs next to the bridge, two patches of moss from a gopher hole, a walnut from a spot on the left side of the bridge, and a rolling stone animating next to the gopher hole.

Ah, yes! Clicking on random pixels to get things! MY FAVORITE! Here you can also see the large black stone that is flint.
Ah, yes! Clicking on random pixels to get things! MY FAVORITE! Here you can also see the large black stone that is flint.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! You also need to notice snow on the bridge and collect some of it. The snowball is your clue that it is time to make another concoction from Zanthia's potion book and, in this case, the "Snowman, Regular Spell." However, one of the ingredients calls for charcoal, and to make that return Zanthia to the Petrified Forest. You should be able to find a black rock that Zanthia identifies as flint, and using the twigs on it along with the rolling stone creates charcoal. You now have the three necessary ingredients for making a snowman: moss, charcoal, and snow. Throw everything into the cauldron, bottle the final brew, and use the potion on the knight to scare him away.

Talk about a "rough" first impression! Not only are almost ALL of the items you need to collect here incredibly fiddly and obtusely hidden, but the way you go about using them isn't any better. Some of these items are four to six screens removed from where you use them. For example, the nuts you pick up need to be used on a squirrel, but that's a few loading screens away. Likewise, this set piece might be the worst feeling pixel hunt in the series. At least the rolling stone animates, but the holes with the moss and walnut are minuscule and virtually impossible to find unless you know what you are doing or plan to click every iota of the screen! It is frustrating to play because you feel like there are more efficient paths for the designers to take.

You're in an adventure game! Why are you asking this question?
You're in an adventure game! Why are you asking this question?

Helping Two Wizards Catch A Giant Foot - [Rating: 3/10] - When you get past the knight, Zanthia will enter a meadow involving two wizards chasing after a gigantic foot. Have Zanthia examine a sizable statue to the left, and she will identify it as being made of lead. As with any object made of lead, it's time for her to whip out her magnet and turn it into gold. This action allows her to open a box at the statue's base. The receptacle contains a toy drum and a set of jacks. There's also an acorn to grab near a tree, but Zanthia needs to use the jacks to stop the chase sequence. Doing so causes the foot to trip and the wizards to deploy a net. They relay that it is a missing body part of a legendary villainous mage from many years ago and that the last of his remaining body parts is his hand. This puzzle is more of a segue for a significant lore dump than anything else. The statue is a focal point, and when Zanthia identified it as made of lead, I knew what to do because everything made of lead in the game needs to be transformed into gold. The hitbox for the foot is mercifully generous, and the jacks are the only logical items to slow it down.

Union jokes! I LOVE 'EM!
Union jokes! I LOVE 'EM!

Using The Tram Station - [Rating: 6/10] - After a brief chat with the kind wizards, it is time to return to the petrified forest. When Zanthia uses the toy drum on the frightened trees, it plays music that finally calms their nerves. Upon walking past the trees, Zanthia will find an anthropomorphic squirrel operating a ski lift. Unfortunately for her, the second she attempts to use the ride, the squirrel goes on his lunch break. He will not even allow Zanthia to use the tram station on her own, citing "safety protocols." To get him to turn the other cheek, use the pinecone, acorn, and walnut on him. He'll agree to depart but still leaves the lift non-operational. To change that, use the rolling stone on the wheel the squirrel was running on, and it will begin to lurch forward. Zanthia can now hop on one of the chairs to reach the top of the mountain.

This puzzle is one of the more shameless "gear checks" in the game. You either have the items required to solve the problem or don't. The good news is that the squirrel is pretty shameless about wanting a bribe and being hungry, and if you have at least one of the required nuts, that's enough to clue you into knowing that you need to find more until the lift operator is satisfied. The issue here is how the game hides some of the objects. Again, the walnut in a small alcove on a ledge is the most egregious example. The hole that contains the walnut is a scant percent of the screen it occupies, and you would never consider clicking on it unless you knew what you were looking for in the first place. In the end, this puzzle is the culmination of a bunch of pixel-hunting-based gameplay traps, and I wouldn't say I liked it the first time, and I wouldn't say I liked it here.

I need you to notice the cannonball I have clicked and how obscure the other two that I have not clicked are by comparison.
I need you to notice the cannonball I have clicked and how obscure the other two that I have not clicked are by comparison.

Stealing A Bunch Of Shit At The Tram Station - [Rating: 3/10] - WHAT DID I SAY?! When a Legend of Kyrandia game gives you a new location, odds are, you will start things off in that location, gathering a bunch of shit! When the ski lift drops Zanthia at the top of the snow-capped mountain, she will notice a mother caring for a toddler and a lodge with two grumpy hunters. From a nearby hut, pick up a feather duster and broom. After talking to the mother and her toddler, collect a ball of snow next to them. Upon entering the lodge and getting no help from the hunters, nab an empty potion flask from a shelf and a bottle of musk from a mounted animal head. Finally, collect three cannonballs from the lodge and use Zanthia's alchemist magnet to turn them into gold. I have to be entirely honest with you. While I do grouse about old habits dying hard, this is one of the least annoying collectible hunts in the game. The environment is limited to three possible locations (i.e., the hut, ski lift exit, and hunter's lodge), which means figuring out what Zanthia needs is pretty easy, and putting two and two together is just as simple. The one tricky item here is the musk hidden in the mounted animal head, but you can also see an outline of sorts when you look closely at it.

Making The "Snowman, Abominable Potion" - [Rating: 5/10] - There are only a few remaining potions to concoct. Given this is a snow-themed environment and the hunters were complete jerks to Zanthia, it's time to scare the shit out of them by transforming Zanthia into a yeti. To accomplish this, hand one of the golden cannonballs to the mother so you can nab their baby's lollipop while they are distracted. This candy is the last ingredient to the abominable snowman potion, which also requires snow, musk, and a feather duster. When you put these ingredients in the cauldron and bottle it, using the potion and entering the lodge as a transformed Zanthia result in a horny male yeti kidnapping Zanthia rather than scaring away the hunters.

Now, you might be thinking that knowing to make the potion is the hardest part, but you would be wrong. When Zanthia talks to the hunters, they are complete pricks, and Zanthia muses how she wishes to teach them a lesson and pontificates if she has a spell in her book capable of doing that. There are only a few spells left, and one of the remaining few you have yet to make has "Abominable Snowman" in its title, and this level is the proverbial snow level. That's good enough for me! The oddly tricky step involves the mother and her baby's lollipop. The potion calls for some form of candy, but it isn't exactly clear what the mother wants in place of her child's lollipop, and a gold cannonball isn't exactly something I would have placed on the top of my list of things to give her, either.

It's not every day that a game uses the word piton.
It's not every day that a game uses the word piton.

Escaping The Yeti's Lair - [Rating: 5/10] - Zanthia now finds herself in the lair of a yeti that wants to have sex with her because jokes about sexual assault are super funny. Nonetheless, the first thing Zanthia needs to do is explore her surroundings and find ingredients for another abominable snowman potion, though she will need to make some substitutions. This includes using the yeti's cologne instead of musk and a box of chocolates instead of a lollipop. You'll also need to collect feathers from a nearby pillow and find an empty flask on a wine shelf. For the snow-based portion of the tonic, leave the yeti's abode, find three icicles on the ground, and collect all of them. Put the box of chocolates, cologne, feathers, and an icicle in the cauldron, and it should allow Zanthia to bottle a new monstrous brew, but avoid using it for now. Use the remaining icicles to ascend an ice wall outside of the cave. The yeti will catch Zanthia, but if she leaves the cave once more, the hunters from earlier should spawn, and if you use the potion on them, they will turn into yetis and attract the monster's attention instead of Zanthia. Use the icicles once more to climb the wall, and you should be free.

Much like the tram section, the game limiting you to two screens means it's far easier to figure out what you need to do and what items you need to collect. Also, I enjoy the game forcing you to identify substitutions for ingredients you recently used to make the same potion. It's a clever segment slightly sabotaged by the finale. Much like previous environmental collectibles, the icicles are not sign-posted enough to the player as clickable options, and needing to use the ice wall twice is an odd red herring. Additionally, it would help if you noticed the timing element of this puzzle when trying to use the potion on the hunters. You have a short window to apply the tonic before they run away. Likewise, their hitbox was incredibly fiddly and far smaller than I thought it should have been. Finally, I cannot end this puzzle review without highlighting how this sequence makes light of sexual assault. The joke of this puzzle is that a yeti wants to have sex with Zanthia, and despite her telling the yeti that she is not interested, she needs to solve her situation by throwing the yeti on two other unwitting hunters. That's the joke. When you get to the end credits montage, those same two hunters even say at the end, "Let's never talk about this ever again," with the implication being the yeti had their way with them, and isn't that "HILARIOUS!"

It's time to buckle up for an absolute ballbuster of a puzzle.
It's time to buckle up for an absolute ballbuster of a puzzle.

The Rainbow Machine Tree - [Rating: 10/10] - After dealing with the yeti and hunters, Zanthia can finally climb the ice wall using the icicles and will eventually find a small cabin. When she enters this cabin, she will find an elaborate set of lights hanging from a den of thorns. Zanthia calls it a "Rainbow Machine" and muses that it should provide a path to the Wheel of Fate if the hanging lights are filled with the correct liquids. The game requires you to use a shelf to create a set of potions that emulate a rainbow in the lights above. The required colors are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. The good news is that Zanthia's completed potion book has six of these seven colors, and the shelf provides an unlimited supply of ingredients. When you fill the hanging lights with the correct colors, the rainbow machine will create a rainbow bridge to the next and final destination in the game. If you want a list of every potion you need to brew and what they require, here you go:

  • Red Potion - Flying Shoes Spell: Hot Air, Quill, and Leather Folio Book
  • Orange Potion - Sandwich Spell: Mustard, Lettuce, Ground Grain, and Cheese
  • Yellow Potion - Abominable Snowman Spell: Snowball, Musk, Feathers, and Lollipop
  • Green Potion - Swampsnake Spell: Gnarly Bark, Sulphur, Onion, Reptile Tears, Stool, and Hot Water
  • Blue Potion - Teddy Bear Spell: Crystal Fuzz, Lead Heart (YOU STILL NEED TO USE THE MAGNET TO TURN THIS INTO GOLD), and Teddy Bear Eyes
  • Indigo Potion - HAS NO SPELL AND IS A SECRET: Amethyst and Blueberry
  • Violet Potion - Skeptic Spell: Upside-down Horseshoe, Candy Impression of a Rabbit's Foot, Sweet and Sour Sauce, and Reptile Tears
Only SIX of your seven needed potions having recipes is fucking DISGUSTING!
Only SIX of your seven needed potions having recipes is fucking DISGUSTING!

I am more open-minded about adventure games having at least one puzzle that pushes their audience's limits. In theory, the rainbow machine is an appropriate capstone to Hand of Fate. It forces players to apply everything they know about its core mechanic (i.e., potion-making) and then some. Where I start to push back is how the machine requires a handful of ancillary potions whose recipes have been sitting in Zanthia's alchemy book and have never been used up to this point. It is such a bizarre choice by the programming team. If you are going to take the time to put them in the game, why not have them factor in at least ONCE in the story? Even if you decide to use a guide, which I strongly recommend, this puzzle is so involved that it becomes tiresome. The shelf has a directional interface to change the ingredients on the screen that controls unlike any else in the game. Also, some potions are far more complex than others, which is endlessly frustrating.

However, what ultimately boosts this to my highest mark has to be the indigo potion. This potion might only require two ingredients, but it has no in-game spell associated with it and is something you need to figure out through pure trial and error. That's right! The final potion you need to make is a secret the game does not communicate to you at any point! And I'm not joking. I checked five guides and all of them said there's no part in the game when it tells you what to use to make the indigo potion. You don't even get a hint on how many ingredients it will require, and with the range jumping between two to six, that is game design malfeasance! I'm sorry, but this puzzle is utter and complete horseshit.

The Wheel Of Fate

Zanthia's last outfit is REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD!
Zanthia's last outfit is REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD!

Entering The Building With The Wheel Of Fate - [Rating: 2/10] - Zanthia is now in the final leg of her journey. After a quick skirmish with the evil hand, Zanthia finds herself at the entrance to the Wheel of Fate, but the door remains closed, and there's a beam of light in front of it that will incinerate any who try to open it. To fix that problem, use Zanthia's Alchemist's Magnet to turn the dish that is creating the beam into lead. With the pillar of light gone, Zanthia should be able to open the door. You can easily track the beam to its source, and when Zanthia notes it is a golden dish causing it, you should know what that means. Only some puzzles in this game warrant multiple paragraphs; this is NOT one of them.

But at least the game makes a silly joke about its last true puzzle being a copy of a well-known brain teaser.
But at least the game makes a silly joke about its last true puzzle being a copy of a well-known brain teaser.

Playing An Inverted Version Of Tower of Hanoi - [Rating: 6/10] - Upon entering the room containing the Wheel of Fate, Zanthia can explore the main gear room in the upper left and discover something is missing. If she returns to the entrance and then goes to an exit to the upper right, she will see the physical "Wheels of Fate," which happen to be an inverted Tower of Hanoi. There are three statues at the base of the cylinders, and when you place all of the pieces underneath them, their mouth will open and bestow an item. The starting statue has nothing as it defaults to being open, but the player needs to move the circles under the other two figures to collect a stick and gear. With these two items, Zanthia can return to the gear room, repair the main machine, and trigger the final scene. I seem to recall @voidburger making this point on Twitter, but a Tower of Hanoi puzzle is the ultimate sign of "giving up" in an adventure game. It's either that or tangram puzzles. A Tower of Hanoi puzzle is a "solved" riddle, and there's little anyone can add to deviate from the well-documented logic to solve it. What I find especially heinous in this case is how the game forces you to complete the puzzle TWICE! That alone warrants me bumping it up a point above the average.

Still a better action sequence than any of the ones in Scorn!
Still a better action sequence than any of the ones in Scorn!

Defeating The Hand - [Rating: 5/10] - After opening the red and blue computer console, use the stick to place the gear into the slot missing a piece. After Zanthia gets the Wheel of Fate up and running, the Hand appears and challenges Zanthia to a fight. For the first phase, jump to the left to avoid them crushing Zanthia. Next, repeat this action before quickly clicking on the boss to defeat them. Unless you interact with everything in the game, this might be your first run-in with a "Game Over" screen, as failing to take note of the Hand's cues results in instant death. As you might expect, the timing for some of these actions is incredibly tight. The best way to describe how I feel about this puzzle is to ask you to imagine a game you really enjoy having its final boss be a quick time event. That is basically what this fight with the Hand is, and that, combined with watching Zanthia give Marko a smooch, has always left a bad taste in my mouth. It's still a great game, but it ends poorly.

Should You Play The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate? [Answer: Absolutely!]

I mentioned it in the previous episode, but do not let the wildly disparate puzzle scores or constant grousing on my part dissuade you from playing The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate. The game is the walking embodiment of being more than the sum of its parts. Even with the many screencaps I have provided in my past two write-ups, I still have not done the game justice. Hand of Fate's writing is a master class of comedic storytelling, and Zanthia is a criminally underappreciated but strong female protagonist. The genuine appeal of Hand of Fate does not stem from processing its puzzles or brain teasers. The absolute joy of playing this game comes from exploring new environments and NPCs and finding every possible line of dialogue there is to be had. And while there are some stumbling points to be had on that front, the game punches at its weight class when you consider it was released alongside King's Quest VI and Sam & Max Hit the Road. And if you enjoyed those two games, Hand of Fate is an easy recommendation.

I absolutely HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE the game ending with Zanthia and Marko falling in love.
I absolutely HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE the game ending with Zanthia and Marko falling in love.

Unfortunately, Hand of Fate's flaws defined much of my retrospective. The series generally has an issue with relying on red herrings or leaps of logic that only make sense if you are the developer. Its contemporaries were guilty of the same game design sin, but Hand of Fate takes things further with constant collet-a-thons and pixel hunts defining large swaths of its gameplay. There are a non-zero number of times when your capacity to solve a puzzle depends on your ability to click on a random pixel in the background, and I know that is only some people's cup of tea. It still deserves much credit for streamlining the unnecessary steps endemic to most pixel-based adventure games of this generation by relying entirely on mouse-click-based gameplay. Furthermore, there are no "unwinnable scenarios" to worry about if you explore a new environment out of order or complete puzzles differently than me. However, much of it still reeks of an era the industry has thankfully moved beyond in the last decade.

However, Hand of Fate is still more approachable than it might first appear. It is a scant four to five-hour experience, which at the time, drew criticism from most publications for not being long enough to justify its entry price. Today, its breezy pace and low barrier of entry are a relief. When you compare Hand of Fate to its predecessor, you have a better grasp of Westwood's adventure game division, going through the motions and finding its identity. Unfortunately, Hand of Fate is a bit of an aberration considering all of the progress it made would be discarded in the third game, The Legend of Kyrandia: Malcolm's Revenge. However, we will talk about that game another time.

Oh God... this fucking game. I'm not ready to talk about this game for a while.
Oh God... this fucking game. I'm not ready to talk about this game for a while.
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The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzles - The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate [Part 1]

If you enjoy this blog and would like to read my other adventure game retrospectives, here's a list of my previous episodes of this series:

Preamble (i.e., Oh, What Could Have And Should Have Been A Bigger Deal)

I continue to find it to be a massive bummer more people do not know about the first two Kyrandia games.
I continue to find it to be a massive bummer more people do not know about the first two Kyrandia games.

When I first reviewed The Legend of Kyrandia (i.e., The Legend of Kyrandia: Book One), I mentioned it to be one of the more compelling alternatives to the works of LucasArts and Sierra Online. I stand by that statement to this day, but there's no denying that the adventure game or Fables & Fiends team at Westwood Studios found their stride with the second entry in the franchise, The Legend of Kyrandia: Hand of Fate. Most adventure game enthusiasts will back me up on that and even cite Hand of Fate as a highwater mark during the "Golden Age" of the genre. The game was released the same year as Sam & Max Hit the Road and Maniac Mansion: Day of the Tentacle, as well as Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers and Space Quest V: The Next Mutation, and it lived to tell the tale. However, unlike those titles, Hand of Fate continued the first game's tradition of side-stepping the use of verb parsers or SCUMM-based engines in favor of more straightforward and intuitive click-based gameplay. When you want to combine two items, all you need to do is click the first item and then click on the second one, and the game will promptly tell you if you have found a winning combination. When you want to add something to your inventory, you click it and then drag it to an open slot. It's that easy, and honestly, I cannot imagine Hand of Fate benefitting from a more complex system like SCUMM considering its storytelling aspirations are much more light-hearted than its predecessor. However, Hand of Fate still embraces the open-world format of the first Legend of Kyrandia game and permits you to explore its world and even solve its puzzles in any order you see fit.

However, let's return to the issue of the contemporary competition that surrounded Hand of Fate. 1993 had some real adventure game heavy hitters, so Hand of Fate got lost in the mix. The game sold poorly and received little to no press coverage at its release. When Westwood packaged it with the third game, Malcolm's Revenge, it finally started to get its due. That's unfortunate, considering Hand of Fate provides clever innovations to several genre norms worth noting. First, it improves upon its predecessor by giving players endless inventory slots. It also features an item-burning mechanic when its main character, Zanthia, progresses from one set piece to the next. The game also continues the series' tradition of altogether avoiding unwinnable scenarios. While there is character death in this game, it is much less of a problem than in the first Legend of Kyrandia game.

Hands are good for a lot of things.
Hands are good for a lot of things.

These gameplay innovations meld well with the new storytelling ambitions Westwood tried with Hand of Fate. This game is far more comedic and silly than the first and even has a more whimsical art style. The only complication comes when you need to interact with the game's potion-making system, which, admittedly, is far more complex than the amulet system in Book One. However, I find the thematic underpinning of Zanthia's alchemy mechanic far more compelling than the spells in Book One but less confusing than the mood-based mechanic in Malcolm's Revenge. While I tend to avoid passing summative judgments about my topics until the final entry, I can't help it with Hand of Fate. Despite some of my grousing with a few puzzles, I want you all to know I found this game to be an absolute delight and strongly recommend it if you haven't heard of it. So, without further ado, let's look at some puzzles!

Zanthia's Swamp

It wouldn't be a Kyrandia game without some random item collecting!
It wouldn't be a Kyrandia game without some random item collecting!

Picking Up A Bunch of Shit in Zanthia's Laboratory - [Rating: 3/10] - The game starts innocently enough with Zanthia discovering parts of her home and surrounding swamp disappearing into thin air. As the mage tasked with entering the planet's center to prevent things from worsening, Zanthia declares she will likely need a few of her belongings before properly starting her quest. One quick note, the game fails to tell you what those items might be or when you have all the necessary effects. However, some parts of the game will act as "Gear Checks," wherein it is required to locate the appropriate materials. Luckily, the game has no "fail states," where you cannot go further if you miss the required items when they were first presented. Every item needed to complete a quest is available until you can move to a different chapter where it is no longer needed. Finally, it is critically important to pick up Zanthia's cauldron in a random stump on the screen named the "Weed Patch." Without this pot, completing the game is impossible, and it sure does suck that one of the game's core mechanics is hidden in a random stump.

Despite its many quality-of-life additions, it is frustrating to see Hand of Fate relying on the identical pixel-hunt-based puzzles that sometimes made the first game a chore. When it comes to Zanthia's Laboratory, you'll need to grab an empty flask, a blueberry, and a water flask. Some of these items are in the background, like the empty flask on a bookshelf, and your hint they are selectable parts of the environment can be challenging to detect. There's also a part where Zanthia must pick the roots from a tree at a weed patch to collect "gnarly bark," but the single tree with this resource looks no different than any of the trees you see in the background that are entirely non-interactive. It's not that bad here, but it is a hallmark of this game operating in an "era" where that was the norm.

Don't you love it when core mechanics are hidden behind lazy pixel hunt puzzles?
Don't you love it when core mechanics are hidden behind lazy pixel hunt puzzles?

Sometimes your only clue to pick something up is a single flashing pixel, but worse is the game failing to communicate how many of any given item you need. For example, with the blueberry, you can pick up several, and when we talk about the alchemy mechanic, that is by design. The one downside of Hand of Fate's endless inventory system is that you can run into cases where you don't know if you need something because you already have one. Also, you pick up a lot of shit during this opening sequence. Even after you exit the opening swamp, there are two onions you need to collect from a twisted tree and after watching a cutscene involving Marko. There's also a mushroom you need to grab after a tree disappears, but in that case, you must be careful to notice its monochromatic brown texture on top of a big brown patch of dirt. All of this is possible, but it's not the best first impression of what to expect from Hand of Fate. Luckily, the character work, worldbuilding, and dialogue are top-notch.

Ah, the days when adventure games expected you to take notes. I'm glad we are past that these days.
Ah, the days when adventure games expected you to take notes. I'm glad we are past that these days.

The Firefly Tree Puzzle - [Rating 3/10] - The first "real" puzzle in Hand of Fate doesn't take place until the ten-minute mark. After exploring the initial swamp, Zanthia will identify her first mission objective: getting money to pay for a ferry to Morningmist Valley. Unfortunately, thanks to the robbery that recently targeted her laboratory, Zanthia is seriously lacking in the financial department. From the cave entrance, where she runs into Marko, you must move Zanthia downward and locate a tree covered in different colored fireflies. When you click on any firefly, the one you clicked will flash, and then another will flash and play a musical note. The second flashing bug is meant to be your "start" for playing a game of Simon Says. It is essential to mention how the game expects you to write down the notes to the song, as you will need to use this music track in a later puzzle. Also, the order of the notes is randomized with every playthrough.

I have played my fair share of Simon Says with this series, and this is one of the least irritating examples I have experienced. The good news is that following the song is easy, and the interface for inputting the notes is manageable. The same cannot be said for future entries in this series (i.e., Shivers), and at the very least, the game does not kill you whenever you input a wrong note or screw up a sequence after a certain point. I am not rewarding this puzzle with a lower mark because you need to remember this song for future puzzles. Also, I prefer it when games randomize puzzles like these, so there's always something to keep you on your toes, but I can also see that being a problem for others. Finally, this puzzle, being color-based, is a step harder for the color-blind due to the notes not being placed on a standard sheet music-styled scale.

The pun game in Hand of Fate get's an A+ from me.
The pun game in Hand of Fate get's an A+ from me.

Getting The Skeleton Key At The Quicksand Bog - [Rating 2/10] - I forgot to mention that the order I complete the puzzles at the starting swamp can be different in your playthrough. Hand of Fate revels in the open-world format of its predecessor but with far fewer warts or rough edges. Regardless, after you are done playing with bugs, the nearest puzzle takes place four screens to the left. However, remember to pick up a feather from a bird's nest when you reach the third screen after a random rock disappears. While in the swamp, the game uses the disappearance of objects or things in the background to signal the player that they need to pick up something in that level or screen before moving forward. I LOVED this feature and wished it continued after the first act, but instead, it ceases to exist when you reach the farm. After you move left from the feather, you'll notice a skeleton key sticking out of a pit of quicksand. To grab this key, you'll need to identify a rotten log, tip it over and use the log to walk over and nab the key before moving left again. It's a simple enough task and one of the first times the game calls on the player to manipulate a part of the environment to solve a puzzle. I found it to be a pretty miraculous tutorial puzzle, and the pun associated with it is pretty good (i.e., a skeleton is holding a skeleton key).

Pixel hunting in this game is one of the few things I hate about it.
Pixel hunting in this game is one of the few things I hate about it.

Collecting Crocodile Tears & Getting Zanthia's Cauldron - [Rating: 5/10] - After you move left from the skeleton key, Zanthia will butt up against a crocodile. You can avoid the crocodile if you want, but there's something you'll need to collect from it if you wish to complete the game. Take the feather from Zanthia's inventory and use it on the crocodile. When the reptile starts crying, you have a narrow window to use her empty flask to collect its tears. If you succeed, examining the flask will say it contains "Reptile Tears," and I was SHOCKED the game passed on making an Elton John reference. However, you'll also need to pick up Zanthia's missing cauldron before the crocodile stops crying or be prepared to use the feather again. Near the crocodile is a tree with a hole. If you click on that hole, Zanthia will find her missing cauldron.

I mentioned this point in my retrospective of the first game, but every Legend of Kyrandia game has a few times when the hitbox of an item or object feels "off." One example is the area where the game will allow you to use the flask to collect the crocodile tears. It's not a monstrously tricky endeavor, but given the timed aspect of this puzzle, it can be frustrating. There's also no denying that it can be challenging to know to collect the tears in the first place. Zanthia's verbal prompt when she first sees the crocodile suggests your goal is to run away from it, but the game instead expects you to collect something from it. That poor signposting is compounded by the game doing NOTHING to suggest a cauldron hiding in the tree. In hindsight, it's bizarre that one of the critical defining mechanics of this game is unlocked by pixel hunting in what feels like a throwaway puzzle.

YOU DON'T SAY?!
YOU DON'T SAY?!

Picking Up Shit Outside And Inside Herb's Shack - [Rating: 3/10] - After dealing with the crocodile, move up to the hot springs and grab a sulfur rock. The springs will be the crux of a puzzle coming up shortly! From the springs, move down and then right twice to re-enter the dark swamp before moving up once. Zanthia will now face a familiar fixture from the last game, Fireberries! To collect the berries, apply the water from the laboratory flask to cool them down so Zanthia can pick them, but remember to pick up all three. With the berries in tow, Zanthia should enter a shack an anthropomorphic frog named Herb runs. After talking to them, ask them to take an empty flask on their desk and scan their store for a "Toad Stool" next to a crate and a bag of plant food, which you also need to nab. I will match this sequence's score with the last collect-a-thon, even if this one is more involved. If you delay going to Herb's Shack for too long, you might forget about the water flask in Zanthia's inventory. Likewise, the stool and bag of plant food are a bit too blended into the background for my tastes. However, there's a nice gag with the Fireberries, and Herb is one of the more fanciful characters in the game and a perfect vessel to communicate the more light-hearted tone of the second game compared to the first.

The potion making mechanic also plays up the game's wacky sense of humor.
The potion making mechanic also plays up the game's wacky sense of humor.

Making Your First Potion - [Rating 5/10] - Now it's time to talk about the mechanic that often makes or breaks Hand of Fate for most people: potion making. First, if you take the time to explore the starting hub world out of sequence, you might end up in a cave guarded by a sizeable anthropomorphic rat. The cave's exit leads Zanthia to where she can nab some cash to pay the ferryman, and if you explore your dialogue options with the rat, you'll learn he is afraid of snakes. Luckily for you, one of the few remaining pages of Zanthia's potion book has a recipe for the "Swampsnake Potion." To make life easier, return to the hot springs, use one of the empty flasks on a spring to collect hot water, and open the page in the spell book to find the snake potion. The ingredients for this potion are gnarly bark, sulfur, an onion, reptile tears, a stool, and hot water. Place these ingredients in the cauldron, wait for the potion to form, and fill the colored concoction into all three of Zanthia's empty flasks. When you return to the rat in the tunnel, if you use the potion on Zanthia before waking him up, he will see Zanthia with a snake as a head and run away.

I mentioned how the alchemy mechanic "makes or breaks" people's impressions of Hand of Fate, and I'm not joking. Some find it forces players to engage in pixel hunts for raw materials and unneeded backtracking for ingredients. Others feel it improves the first game's amulet system and causes the game to dabble with more complex and compelling puzzle design. I admit needing to backtrack to pick up materials can be a pain if you are not careful, and the more complex potions are incredibly easy to screw up if you misclick even once. However, I credit the programmers for ensuring that every environment has all the needed materials to complete any level or environment and for those sources to be unlimited. Doing so guarantees if players make a mistake, they don't fuck themselves over involuntarily. The only quibble I have, which will pop up in a different sequence, is how using the potions and collecting them plays out mechanically. I always fill every empty flask I have when I brew a new concoction, and the game is NEVER CLEAR on how many copies of any potion are needed to complete a level, let alone the game itself. In this case, you could take the time to make the snake potion, collect one copy of it, dump the remainder in the cauldron, mistime your use of your only potion, and realize later that you will require a duplicate. In that scenario, you must ferry Zanthia around the world to collect the raw materials to make a new elixir all over again. That's what I call a "tough break!"

Yeah, was this the skull of a giant or is it just for show?
Yeah, was this the skull of a giant or is it just for show?

Playing Music On The Teeth Of A Skeleton - [Rating: 3/10] - After terrorizing the rat guard with her Medusa act, Zanthia immediately walks to the other side of the tunnel and encounters a gigantic skull. When you click on this skull's teeth, she'll note that they play music. If you recall my earlier warning, you'll immediately deduce that Zanthia needs to replay the song she played using the fireflies. Unfortunately, the teeth on the skull are in a different alignment than the fireflies, and you'll need to figure out how to play the right notes through trial and error. I will not be too harsh with this puzzle because it is a simple recall and repeat puzzle. However, I can attest from personal experience that it is a definite BUMMER making the walk of shame back to the fireflies if you fail to take note of the song the first time around. Also, there's a mushroom next to the skull Zanthia will need to notice and add to her inventory, and it is easy to miss.

Saving Marko & Making A Gold Achor - [Rating: 4/10] - This sequence is where Hand of Fate finally "clicked" with me. Initially, I was skeptical of its sillier tone and cartoony visuals. Still, the following puzzle relayed a ton of clever and wonderfully acted dialogue and played briskly and up-tempo enough that it warmed my initially cold attitude. After playing the song, the mouth of the skull will open and reveal a chest. When Zanthia examines the trunk, she will locate her Alchemist's Magnet and a lump of moldy cheese. The magnet is one of the few inventory items that follow Zanthia throughout the game, and it is easy to miss the hunk of cheese because you need to click the chest TWICE, as the game is programmed to pick up items one at a time. After picking up these two items, move Zanthia left until she runs into two fishermen. Offer the cheese to them, and when they begin catching fish, rather than surrender their anchor, as the player might expect, they move to a different screen. It's one of the better examples of the game subverting the player's expectations, and I LOVED IT!

Without any steel to turn into gold, move Zanthia left, then down, and before continuing further, remember to collect an extra copy of gnarly bark. Zanthia will find Marko trapped by a monstrous plant when she moves down again. To free him, apply the plant food from the store to a weed below the one about to eat Marko, and it will defeat the evil plant and free him. When Zanthia moves to the right of the weed patch, she'll find the boat the fishermen from earlier were using but unoccupied. As you might assume, pick up the boat anchor, use the Alchemist's Magnet on it to turn it into gold, and then trace your steps back to the location of the ferry. There's some frustration involved with needing to backtrack this amount, but I did not hate it all that much. Applying the fertilizer to the other plant is a bit wonky, but everything else regarding this sequence goes off without a hitch. Now, if only the same could be said about the next part of the game.

This game sure is a looker. Now, if only that was the case with the third game....
This game sure is a looker. Now, if only that was the case with the third game....

Getting The Postman His Letters - [Rating 5/10] - When Zanthia returns to the ferry, she discovers a mailman, which happens to be a dragon, has destroyed it. The postman moans about losing four letters, and when Zanthia offers to track them down for transportation, he obliges. The following puzzle is a four-part fetch quest, and while it is not in and of itself challenging, it takes way longer than it should. To highlight, the nearest letter from the ferry requires Zanthia to move Right, Right, and Down. From there, you move Left, Left, Down, Down, Right, and Down before you find the second letter outside of Zanthia's lab. Next, Zanthia should move Up, Left, Up, Up, Left, and Left and snatch the third letter from the skeleton hand in the quicksand pit. All Zanthia needs to do for the final letter is move up to the hot springs, but if you want things to get "spicy," you can open and read the letters using one of the steam vents. With the four letters, Zanthia can return to the postman and hitch a ride on his back to get to her next destination. The cutscene that depicts this is one of the funniest scenes in the game, but getting to that point is no goddamn fun.

As suggested earlier, the issue here is not "difficulty." This puzzle is not complicated; it just sucks. By the time you get to this part, you've already talked to the most compelling characters in this environment, and most are gone. Likewise, much like the first game, the starting hub world has a TON of interstitial levels that add nothing to the game other than to pad out its runtime. Finally, if you play the game without a guide, there's a real risk you'll run around in circles without making any progress. That is because the letters are not precisely spread out equitably, with the last two smack dab next to each other. The result is that there are entire circuits of the swamp that have NOTHING! However, there's no denying that you can still solve this problem with brute force. Therefore, I do not feel compelled to rank it more than a five.

Morningmist Valley - The Farm

It's time to cover the second worst part of this game!
It's time to cover the second worst part of this game!

Delivering A Letter & Picking Up Random Tat Around The Farmhouse - [Rating: 2/10] - After landing in a wheat field and watching a fanservice gag at Zanthia's expense, Zanthia will notice a letter on the ground that she can pick up and eventually identify who its recipient should be. Before she delivers this letter, it would be prudent to collect some wheat and click the haystack she exits for one empty flask. When you move Zanthia downward, you'll immediately note the farmer the letter is meant for and their pet dragon. When you hand over the letter, Zanthia must pick up the dragon's food bowl and a bottle of vinegar by a window. Everything at the start of the farm is simple and does an excellent job of setting the scene. The transition from the swamp to the farm is when the game first employs its item-burning mechanic. The game removes all unnecessary inventory items from Zanthia's possession when she transitions from one environment to the next. The only reason I'm not giving this part of the game the lowest possible score stems from some of the materials you need to snatch from the farm. The dragon's dish is tiny, and knowing to click the haystack isn't that apparent to the player. That said, it's all in good fun.

Even the farm is a wildly creative setting. Now, if only the things you did there were fun.
Even the farm is a wildly creative setting. Now, if only the things you did there were fun.

Making Flour For Bread - [Rating: 3/10] - Again, you can do any part of a new environment in whatever order you want. The key concept with the farm is that the farmer is known for making the best mustard in all of Kyrandia, and near the farm are guards to the city that will not allow Zanthia to pass but complain of being hungry. If you can't piece together what that entails, you need to make a sandwich to distract the guards. The first and easiest step involves making flour for bread. That step involves moving left from the farm and locating a mechanical water wheel. Next, find a stick causing the wheel to malfunction and place it in Zanthia's inventory. Finally, pinpoint the giant wheel in the center of the screen and use a wheat stalk on it. The wheat will become freshly ground flour. However, Zanthia will need to use the dragon's food dish to collect the flour.

It's important to emphasize that fixing the contraption with the wheel requires the player to find a misplaced stick and click it. After that, knowing to use the wheat on the central platform is easy enough. Where people start to chime in about how much they hate this level is how hard it can be to figure out you need to make a sandwich. Instead of providing a clear sense of what Zanthia needs to do, which is what the game accomplishes in every other environment, the farm poses problem after problem with few visibly signposted solutions. This playthrough was my second time running through the game, and I had the benefit of remembering I needed to make a sandwich, but I can tell you from experience that in proper "blind" playthroughs, it's TOUGH knowing what you need to do here! This is a shame because the writing finds itself at the farm, and the tasks are far from impossible. For example, fixing the water wheel and making flour takes about five to six clicks. Ultimately, I'm incredibly conflicted about ranking this section of the game, and you can feel free to share what you think in the comments.

Making a sandwich wasn't on my adventure game bingo card when I first started this series.
Making a sandwich wasn't on my adventure game bingo card when I first started this series.

Growing Lettuce And Radishes - [Rating: 2/10] - After making some flour, Zanthia returns to the farmhouse and watches the farmer process a shipment of mustard. If you pay close enough attention as he talks about his load, you'll learn about something in his cellar that will significantly assist Zanthia's journey, but more on that later. Instead, continue right to enter a garden and find Zanthia's Alchemist's Magnet on the ground. After picking that up, notice the surrounding area is a garden, and there's an elephant-looking water spout Zanthia can turn on if you click on a nearby valve. If you attempt to visit the garden before you fix the water wheel, no water will flow after adjusting the valve. Still, if you remember to pull the stick from the wheel before clicking the valve, water will flow, and a field of vegetables will grow from the ground. Among those vegetables will be radishes and lettuce, which are necessary ingredients for creating the sandwich potion. Besides not knowing what to do with the garden if you explore the farmhouse out of sequence, there's nothing here that's too difficult to parse out on your own. Once you fix the wheel, getting what you need is a simple mouse click away. However, I need to mention, again, the poor signposting of how much of any ingredient you need.

Didn't most of the ghosts in the first game preserve their human shape?
Didn't most of the ghosts in the first game preserve their human shape?

Using A Ghost To Scare The Farmer - [Rating: 4/10] - As suggested earlier, the farmhouse's cellar contains a mixing device that can make cheese. Unfortunately, the farmer prevents Zanthia from using that device. To deal with the farmer, you'll first need to return to the garden to observe an ineffective scarecrow and then return to the wheat field where Zanthia first landed. If you click on one of the hay bales or wait long enough, a ghost will appear and reveal the farmer has cursed them to scare away woodland creatures from eating his crops, hence his recent success in cornering the mustard market. The ghost promises to give the farmer a piece of his mind but requires a body to do so. As such, use an empty flask to carry them to the garden and then use the bottled ghost on the scarecrow. The spirit will then chase away the farmer, allowing Zanthia to explore the farm without limits.

This puzzle is more annoying than challenging. The only tricky part is getting the ghost to spawn, and I have heard conflicting reports about the necessity of clicking on the scarecrow to make them appear in the meadow. I take that step because Zanthia has some funny comments to relay, but there are earlier hints of a ghost existing in the wheat field before you get to this part of the game. Unfortunately, there's no connective tissue tying it back to the farmer. Worse, the ghost asks for a "body," which is a bit of a red herring if you are not careful. When I first played the game, I thought he wanted to possess a person rather than an inanimate object, and I was confused when I couldn't use the bottled ghost on the farmer. Besides these quibbles, it's a hilarious scene with the farmer getting his just deserts.

I don't want to live in a world where we make mustard from radishes.
I don't want to live in a world where we make mustard from radishes.

Making Mustard - [Rating: 5/10] - Before entering the farmhouse's cellar, you'll need to return to the water wheel where you made flour. Place a radish where you ground wheat and when it turns into a white paste, use the vinegar bottle from earlier on it to make mustard. Now, I know what you are thinking, and I thought the same thing when I played this game the first time, but you don't make mustard using radishes. In fact, that leap of logic makes knowing what you need to do with the radishes all the more challenging. Nonetheless, there's nothing with this bit that is objectively difficult. You use the radish no differently than what you did with the wheat stalks from earlier, and I enjoy the game using an environmental object more than once. So, I can't give it a high score, but it doesn't deserve a low mark either.

Just look at those horseshoes and tell me they jump out at you as clickable things! I DARE YOU!
Just look at those horseshoes and tell me they jump out at you as clickable things! I DARE YOU!

Making The Sandwich Potion - [Rating: 5/10] - After making a batch of mustard, return Zanthia to the meadow and if you have a spare empty flask, use it on the sheep that now roam there to collect a glass of milk. Return Zanthia to the farmhouse and have her climb down into the cellar. As you explore the farmhouse basement, you'll run into a cheesemaking device, and applying the milk flask on the device results in a block of cheese. With this item, Zanthia should have all the ingredients to make the sandwich potion. These ingredients include lettuce, mustard, flour, and cheese. The concoction should be orange if you throw these and only these ingredients into her cauldron. However, before you use this potion to distract a duo of guards, there's other stuff in the farmhouse Zanthia will need to steal. That includes an empty flask, four horseshoes, one upside-down, and a pair of shears. Then, AND ONLY THEN, is Zanthia fully prepared to leave the farm and transition into the city portion of Morningmist Valley. Or so you think.

Making cheese and the potion are simple enough steps. Operating the cheese maker only entails a few clicks, and the sandwich recipe is one of the few you do not need to hunt down to know. However, knowing to pick up the various items from the farm before you leave is a colossal pain in the ass in part because almost every item in the cellar is five to six screens removed from when you need to use them. The horseshoes play a significant role in dealing with the pirate bar, and the same goes for the shears. Much like in previous sections of the game, needing to make a "walk of shame" to pick up missing items is not a great feeling. Finally, some of these objects blend into the background and can be challenging to locate.

I should note if you click the sparks without a horseshoe, Zanthia dies.
I should note if you click the sparks without a horseshoe, Zanthia dies.

Making A Magnet - [Rating: 8/10] - Speaking of added extra steps that can screw you over if you are not careful, let's talk about turning one of the horseshoes into a magnet! If you hope to get through one of the more involved sequences in the game (i.e., getting Zanthia out of prison), then you will need to make a magnet. And it would help if you did that now rather than drag Zanthia from the sheriff's office back to the water wheel. While at the water wheel, where you have made flour and mustard, apply one of the "normal" horseshoes to electrical sparks bolting out of a part of the machine. This action will cause the horseshoe to become magnetized. When you eventually find Marko locked in jail, he'll mention needing a magnet to nab some keys that could free him from his cell. Where things get obtuse to a fault is knowing to use horseshoes and not the one required recurring item in Zanthia's inventory CALLED A MOTHERFUCKING MAGNET! Worse, you must create this magnet by applying a single horseshoe to a random flickering environmental texture that is incredibly easy to miss. I also have a tough time imagining someone figuring this shit out organically or without the help of a guide. That's especially the case when you consider how far removed the location where you make this magnet is from where you use it. Overall, this puzzle is one of the few bizarre miscalculations in the entire game.

Collecting Reptile Tears - [Rating: 5/10] - Will you look at that? It's ANOTHER puzzle with the farm where you need to remember to collect something you have no idea to gather in the first place until you butt up against a roadblock five to six scenes later down the road! UGH! This time, you need to recall the farmer's pet dragon and the food bowl you stole from them a while ago. You must trigger their crying animation by placing the bowl next to them and then taking it away. While they are crying, apply an empty flask near their face to get another batch of "Reptile Tears." I can't get too mad at this puzzle, considering it is a re-tread of something you have already done. However, the timing is still annoying as it was the first time around, and knowing to do this in the first place is only apparent to the player much later. While there's one level far more annoying than the farm (i.e., Volcania), that does not absolve it of being inane to a fault. Also, it is critically important to have the water dish in Zanthia's inventory for the rest of the game's second act.

And before you ask, yes, the sequence with the castle guards makes a reference to Monty Python.
And before you ask, yes, the sequence with the castle guards makes a reference to Monty Python.

Distracting The Guards - [Rating: 1/10] - With the sandwich potion in hand, it is time to put it to good use. As mentioned earlier, two guards constantly complaining about hunger block the entrance to the city of Morningmist Valley. To get them out of Zanthia's way, apply one copy of the sandwich potion to Zanthia to acquire a sandwich and place it in front of the soldiers. If you want to watch a funny optional scene, have Zanthia eat the sandwich in front of the guards. Regardless, once you present a sandwich to the soldiers, they begin fighting and allow Zanthia to get past them. This sequence is more a comedic set piece than a proper puzzle. All you need to do is use a potion you have spent ten to fifteen minutes making, and the game does the rest for you.

Morningmist Valley - The City

I don't normally use .gifs, but in this case I will make an exception.
I don't normally use .gifs, but in this case I will make an exception.

Entering The Tavern - [Rating: 3/10] - Before we get to the tavern, it's essential to take note of a broken fountain at the entrance of the city shaped like a seahorse. If you click on a stick plugging the fountain, you will add the twig to Zanthia's inventory and repair the fountain. With that out of the way, walk into a store with a frozen attendant and leave to an alley. As you continue moving left in this corridor, Zanthia will notice a dragon statue with different colored lights on it. For the third and final time, play the song from the game's first act involving the fireflies in the swamp to unlock a door to a pirate's den. I don't know why the designers thought it was a good idea to call back to the firefly song one more time. This edition of the musical puzzle is the least defensible, considering you can't refer back to the source if you have forgotten it. If that's the case and you don't have the song written down, then you're fucked. That said, it is a leitmotif the game repeats several times prior, making it impossible to forget in the grand scheme of things unless you are incredibly forgetful.

Making Sweet & Sour Sauce - [Rating: 3/10] - When you enter the tavern, Zanthia will need to pick up a few things before she interacts too much with her surroundings. First, pick up a mug and fill it with root beer. Pour the mug of root beer into the water dish from the farm and mix it with the bottle of vinegar to create a plate of "Sweet & Sour Sauce." Finally, locate a barrel near the root beer tap and have Zanthia nab some taffy. There's an Easter Egg where you can kill Zanthia by having her overeat root beer and taffy until her stomach pops, but I digress. I love this level. It's not a too-involved environment; if anything, it's an excellent comedic set piece with incredible voice acting and writing. Obviously, the team behind the game was trying their best to levy some digs against Monkey Island. Their efforts are better described as being "cute" and embodying the saying "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Nonetheless, the scene involving Zanthia reading poetry still puts a smile on my face to this day.

This has to be one of the better attempts at referencing Monkey Island in history.
This has to be one of the better attempts at referencing Monkey Island in history.

Stealing A Sailor's Gold Tooth - [Rating: 4/10] - When you decide you and Zanthia have had enough of the family-friendly pirate's den, you'll bump against a giant octopus that challenges Zanthia to a game of "Find the Pea" (i.e., a shell game). Completing this game is a requirement, but Zanthia needs a way to pay the dealer's ante. To rectify that problem, re-enter the bar and discover the pirates in a fistfight over the merit of rhyming in iambic pentameter; it makes sense in context. When one of the sailors attempts to get physical, they end up with a gold tooth knocked out of their jaw. However, if Zanthia tries to pick it up, they will shout at her not to steal their molar. The player needs to use Zanthia's Alchemist's Magnet to convert the gold tooth to steel, grab it, and then turn it back to gold outside the bar.

The timing for changing the golden tooth to steel is shockingly narrow, and it took me a few tries to figure out what I needed to do in the first place. When the gold tooth flies out of the sailor's mouth, it's clear the game wants you to pick it up. It even has a unique flickering animation when it lands on the ground. What took me some time to recall was using the Alchemist's Magent, as the last time you used it was when Zanthia needed to turn the fishermen's anchor into gold. That's a wide gap between then and now. That said, there's no denying this is one of the better-signposted logic puzzles in the game, and everything is a stone's throw from each other. If you mess up the game with the octopus, getting a new gold tooth is a simple and quick process, and you don't have a vast journey to cross either. It's tricky the first time, but eventually, nabbing extra teeth becomes automatic. Also, it's another funny and well-written sequence, so I can't get too angry at it.

Odd to see a mollusc playing a shell game.
Odd to see a mollusc playing a shell game.

Playing "Find The Pea" - [Rating: 3/10] - While nabbing the gold tooth is at least passable due to its innate silliness, playing an actual shell game seems like the laziest shit imaginable in a puzzle-based adventure game. What's more, the way you go about "solving" the octopus rigging the game against you is as predictable as things get. When you picked up the horseshoes, you might recall one of them being upside-down, and if you have Zanthia examine it, she'll mention it making her feel "lucky." That's your hint it is a lucky horseshoe, and if you use it when the kraken presents his three shells, you'll always win at his game. You should have three gold teeth by the time he discovers Zanthia's ruse. If you don't, you should be able to pick up one more from the pirate before you leave the alley permanently. Overall, the predictability of this puzzle makes it a cinch. I'd even go so far as to suggest I have experienced this exact puzzle and sequence in games that predate Legend of Kyrandia 2 more than once.

Why is the jail in the shape of a fish?
Why is the jail in the shape of a fish?

Picking Up Trash Off The Street And Making An Impression Of A Rabbit's Foot - [Rating: 5/10] - After leaving the alley, have Zanthia return to the city gate and move East. Eventually, she notices a large house shaped like a fish and a petrified sheriff by the building's entrance. Near the police officer is a pile of trash on the ground. Much of this debris is required to complete the game, but not all of it. Zanthia will need an orange peel, a candy wrapper, another empty flask, and a piece of parchment to complete her adventure. The parchment is the most important of these as, upon examining it, Zanthia realizes it is a missing potion recipe from her alchemy book. When you look at the recipe, you'll find that it is for a "Skeptic Spell," which will factor into the back half of the city and those "frozen" NPCs I mentioned earlier. Nonetheless, Zanthia's next task is to move northeast to enter a forge and pay note of a rabbit statue. Applying a piece of candy to the foot of the figure makes an impression of a rabbit's footprint. This item counts as an ingredient for the skeptic serum.

While the part with the statue is a bit tough to figure out, this is another well-signposted sequence. Zanthia hears about a bustling city when she interacts with other NPCs leading up to this point. Finding everyone paralyzed is a clever way to direct the player toward their next spell, which immediately rectifies that problem. The issue here is twofold. The trash next to the prison is easy to miss, and you must stop and think about using taffy on the rabbit statue when you blindly play the game. As long as you remember to read the parchment, you should be able to discern the rabbit figure is needed for the "Rabbit Footprint" ingredient it demands. However, what is worth noting is the distance between this statue and where you need to process all of the elements of the skeptic serum into the final skeptic potion, which we will discuss next!

Need to get to this altar to make a potion sucks. It fucking sucks every single time.
Need to get to this altar to make a potion sucks. It fucking sucks every single time.

Making The Skeptic Potion - [Rating: 6/10] - It's time to review one of the most unnecessarily tedious puzzles in the first half of the game! From where you apply the taffy on the statue, move right to a canyon, and use a stick you pulled from the fountain on a hanging rope. Eventually, Zanthia will find herself at the Altar of Doubt, where she can process her skeptic serum into a usable potion. To make the serum, toss the lucky horseshoe, rabbit footprint, sweet and sour sauce, and lizard tears into Zanthia's cauldron. Use all of the empty flasks you have, and one at a time, apply them to the altar to turn them into workable spells to reverse the paralysis that seems to be afflicting everyone in the city.

Sounds simple enough, right? Well, here's the kicker. It's imperative you only drain Zanthia's cauldron once you are completely done with the city, as more people need the potion than you have empty flasks. The game gives you two flasks, but you have three required recipients, and if you drain the cauldron, you have to remake and recollect all of the ingredients. Even if you avoid this mistake, you still need to backtrack to the altar before you can awaken the ship captain at the end of the sequence, and that is a colossal pain in the ass. For that reason alone, I am comfortable bumping this puzzle a point above the average. It's not necessarily the most demanding puzzle, but it is annoying and a massive waste of time.

Oh, it's one of the few times when Marko is genuinely helpful!
Oh, it's one of the few times when Marko is genuinely helpful!

Breaking Out Of Prison - [Rating: 4/10] - Many people hate this puzzle partly because it requires you to spend a lot of time combining items and figuring out which combinations work. However, I love this puzzle because it is a great marriage between the game's goofy tone and free-flowing mechanical structure. The frozen sheriff by the fish-shaped building is the first person who requires a completed skeptic potion. When you apply the spell on them, they hurry away before you can ask them a single question. When you enter the sheriff's office, you'll find Marko in jail with his glove-looking companion. Talking to Marko reveals the sheriff lost his keys in the body of water below his prison. When Zanthia uses the magnetized horseshoe on a pond, she'll pick up the keys needed to free Marko. However, when you attempt to unlock him, the sheriff will catch Zanthia in the middle of her act and lock her away in a nearby cell. To get Zanthia out of her current predicament, click on a rug a few times to collect some thread and then talk to Marko, who will surrender a hook. Zanthia puts the two items together, and you need to use the finished product on the window of Zanthia's room to nab the keys again and free yourself and Marko.

Yes, using two items together can be fiddly, but this is one of the more enjoyable puzzles in the first half of the game. The game also clues you into what it expects you to do far better than many puzzles prior to this one. When you attempt to search for the keys the first time, there's a flickering grey texture in the pond that has it. When you collect the thread, Zanthia automatically constructs the fishing device after Marko provides a hook. All you need to do is use the horseshoe once, click on a rug three times, and apply a fishing rod to a window. None of those actions is anything outside of the realm of possibility of a normal playthrough.

Don't you love it when games force you to do aimless and pointless backtracking!
Don't you love it when games force you to do aimless and pointless backtracking!

Buying And Using A Travel Voucher To Leave The City - [Rating: 6/10] - Once out of jail, you are in the home stretch of the first act. All that remains is booking a trip out of the city. For the first step, return to a store that has a frozen shopkeeper and use your second skeptic potion on them. It is up to you if you want to make a third potion now or wait until after you get Zanthia a ticket, but know a third copy of the spell is needed to complete the game. When you talk to the shopkeeper, he shares that he has tickets to a ship that is leaving the main continent of Kyrandia but demands three gold coins as payment. You can offer the three gold teeth for a funny but optional scene, but those teeth are the key to hitching a ride out of the city. Unfortunately, the game needs you to drag your ass back to the water wheel on the farm to crush the teeth into the shape of gold coins. It is worth noting that the water wheel is five to six screens removed from the store. When you hand the three gold coins to the merchant, he provides a voucher for a ship at a wharf right of the store. Unfortunately, as I suggested earlier, the ship's captain is frozen and will need a newly minted potion from the Altar of Doubt.

This puzzle is manageable, but much like everything else in the farm and city, it has two or three added steps that make it annoyingly tedious. Remaking the potion on a far-off altar is tedious. Returning to the water wheel is tedious. Collecting the ingredients for the tonic if you drained the cauldron is SUPER TEDIOUS! It's a weirdly finicky and obtuse end to the first act, which provides a solid first impression. The good news is that the second half of the game, for the most part, is more consistent than the first. However, there's one more part to Hand of Fate that is bound to get your blood boiling, but more on that next time!

THIS IS STILL BETTER THAN TIC-TAC-TOE IN THE THIRD GAME!
THIS IS STILL BETTER THAN TIC-TAC-TOE IN THE THIRD GAME!
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The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzles - D (The Game): A Game That Would Make Kojima And Swery Blush

If you enjoy this blog and would like to read my other adventure game retrospectives, here's a list of my previous episodes of this series:

Preamble (i.e., Let's Talk About Kenji Eno)

Well, this is certainly something different!
Well, this is certainly something different!

I'm a bit late to do a "spooky" themed edition of my adventure game series, but who's judging? With this retrospective, I'm looking at something outside my "normal" wheelhouse: D or sometimes titled for SEO "D: The Game." Wikipedia, the arbiter of all video game knowledge, calls D a "horror-themed interactive movie and adventure game," and that's mostly on the money. Its byline, however, leaves out how it's less of a game and more of a multimedia slideshow that banks HEAVILY on its psychedelic and downright bizarre visuals and cinematics. Think of it as a cross between Myst and The 7th Guest, directed by Salvador Dali. The game is the passion project of an obscure auteur named Kenji Eno. Eno curiously started in the video game industry by making soundtracks for console ports of arcade games. One of his earliest credits was the soundtrack for the Famicom version of Altered Beast. I note this because his background was never in programming or design, and most of his works reflect that.

D was meant to be his big break as a video game director. There's a funny backstory on how he billed the game as a psychological but tame horror game. However, he changed the masters at the last minute without telling his publisher so he could avoid their censors from blocking him from including vampires, murder, gun use, and cannibalism in the final cut. The game was a financial success, but that would not be echoed in future projects helmed by Eno and D's sequels. That's partly due to Eno holding a grudge against Sony due to a miscommunication about preorders. For almost all of his life, Eno refused to publish his titles on PlayStation consoles, even when that came at a massive financial cost. You likely have never heard of the man because of that and his leaving the industry after D2 completely tanked. He also tragically passed away at 42 due to heart failure, just as he was in the middle of a slight career revival.

1Up.com did a great interview with Eno that is still worth pulling up if you are interested.
1Up.com did a great interview with Eno that is still worth pulling up if you are interested.

In a nutshell, the best way to describe Eno is he's a cross between Hideo Kojima and Swery. However, he avoids Kojima's neurotic and excessive exorbitance and never sits on the laurels of his "indie cred" like Swery. His background not being in programming or design also means he often takes a much more unorthodox approach to directing and producing. In the case of D, the game is primarily an FMV movie with a handful of puzzles strewn in-between cinematics. Eno also enjoys experimenting with his stories. In this case, the protagonist in D is named "Laura" and is billed as a "recurring digital actress," meaning whenever she exists in a video game, you're essentially playing a person inside a fake movie. Also, the way the game conveys its story is worth remarking upon before I review its puzzle-based challenges. The game starts with a five-minute introductory cinematic about Laura needing to stop her father while he is on a murder spree. When you start the game, you'll find Laura in a mansion, and if you explore different parts of the building, you can watch additional cutscenes which look and feel like LSD-induced dream sequences.

Next, we need to discuss the game's design because it's fucking BONKERS! Because Eno envisioned D as a "digital movie," he put a two-hour timer on the game. You get a bad ending if you fail to complete the final puzzle or sequence before you run out of time. On top of that, you cannot save. You have to finish the game in a single sitting, and if you exit it at any time, you'll lose all of your progress. This game also controls as expected in an FMV game made in the late 90s. Because it uses FMV to deliver most of its visuals and cutscenes, it plays similarly to Myst. Except in the case of D, you control the game using the arrow keys, and your sense of direction is terrible. In one case, there's a desk you need to investigate, but there's only one critical path to that desk, and it started two to three screens ago. Also, there's a snappiness to the movement and transitions in Myst, which some consider jarring. However, D is too far on the other side of that pendulum, with its sense of realistic movement feeling sluggish. In fact, that "realistic" movement is incredibly annoying when the entire game pits the player against a time limit.

I should note, the GOG version has the original DOS version of the game which has scanlines, whereas the Steam version does not.
I should note, the GOG version has the original DOS version of the game which has scanlines, whereas the Steam version does not.

Oh, and one last thing before we continue. There's simply NO WAY for me to systematically review the puzzles in D without also SPOILING the game. Each puzzle is deeply tied to the overall experience. If you want an objective and non-spoiler review of the game, skip to my final recommendation at the end. Even then, if you have had an inkling to play the game, try it and then come back to this blog after you have finished it. The game clocks in under two hours and is consistently on sale on GOG and Steam.

Disc 1

Roman Numerals are always a mark of quality!
Roman Numerals are always a mark of quality!

Getting The Barrel Opener - [Rating: 7/10] - After watching the game's opening cinematic, the game's protagonist, Laura, finds herself in an ancient castle dining room. While in the dining room, she can explore different objects to experience different visions or cinematics. For example, if you turn around instead of moving forward on the first screen, you'll unlock a special introductory cutscene that looks like something made by a person on angel dust. However, if you want to complete the game, move to the left of the dining room table and ascend a set of stairs to the second floor. Move forward when you find the door leading to the second floor's main room and locate a drawer with numbers on it. Open the drawer with the Roman Numeral "I" to get a piece of paper and then apply the document to a bowl sitting on top of the drawer. The Roman Numerals IV and II appear. If you pull the drawers in that order, then upon opening drawer II, a barrel opener will materialize. Nothing will ever appear if you yank the drawers in any other order.

So, I don't even know where to begin with this one. It's a bit of a needle in a haystack puzzle with you needing to navigate what is ostensibly an open-ended mansion with no clear indication of what to do. I understand that this was by design to force the player to replay the game multiple times. However, with the average user needing to search every nook and cranny for clues, it's a shitty user experience. Also, we can all agree that the logic for this puzzle is non-existent. How the game justifies materializing a giant metal crank after you pull two drawers in a specific order is beyond me. The only thing preventing me from giving this puzzle a higher grade is that it does not require the player's quick reflexes or calculation prowess.

I'm ready for Vegas, BAYBEE!
I'm ready for Vegas, BAYBEE!

Unlocking The Slot Machine Chest - [Rating: 9/10] - Before you continue further, locate a fireplace near the drawer and move into it to pick up a key and watch a cutscene revealing Laura's father as the antagonist. With this key, it is time to find the barrel room. Exit the room with the drawers and before entering the dining room, notice a large barrel in a side room next to the stairs. Using the barrel opener on the barrel will disable a spike trap in a different room. Next, it is time to use the key from the fireplace to open a locked door across from the one that leads to the second floor. You'll find a locked box with two slots displaying numbers as you progress further in the room. You have to operate a crank, observe the numbers rotating and time your use of the crank to make the correct numbers show in the two slots. It's essentially a slot machine but with player agency. The issue is that the timing for this puzzle is awful, and while the slot for the tens digit works as intended, the one for the single digit number has an unexpected added "bonus" to make the puzzle harder. The machine will move backward eight units upon initially stopping for this slot. The correct combination, by the way, is "78," and the only way for you to know that is if you noticed those numbers above the door leading to this slot machine. Finally, when you open the box, Laura grabs a ring from a zombified hand.

Do you remember the slot machine minigame in Super Mario Bros. 3? Imagine that minigame, but on fire and with a timer looming over you like a Sword of Damocles. There's a delay between when you click to operate the crank and when the game stops the numbers. That hiccup is so considerable that it took me seven to ten minutes to nail the first number. The second number moving backward is so unconscionably a terrible idea I genuinely got angry at the game and considered stopping. Also, the numbers on the door with the solution are so obscure that you could consider giving this puzzle a ten. In this particular case, I was so confident I was missing something I ended up consulting a 2008 forum thread only to discover for this puzzle, the GameFAQs guide said, "persevere." Thanks for the bill of confidence!

I still have no idea what this object is or what name it has if it is a real thing.
I still have no idea what this object is or what name it has if it is a real thing.

Using The Weird Porcelain Animal Thing In The Bedroom - [Rating: 5/10] - With the ring, Laura can now open the final door in the dining room. When she does, she descends a set of stairs and runs away from a falling boulder like a low-rent Indiana Jones. When Laura finds herself in the second part of the castle, she must locate a picture of a young girl and then watch another hallucination. While this hallucination plays, you need to take note of animals that materialize on the screen, and in which order. For example, the game expects you to notice that a deer is the first animal that appears. This point is important because next to the bed is a turnable set of china with symbols depicting those same animals. To unlock the door to the next room, you'll need to rotate the teacups until you find the one showing a deer and stop on it. This sequence is the least problematic of the puzzles in the second part of the mansion. It's a bit of a leap to connect the animals from the dream sequence with the set of rotating china, but it's one of the more clever escape room moments in the game. If you have any hope of finishing this game, you need to treat everything you see and experience in D as a tell to a puzzle, and at least, in this case, six to seven steps do not separate the connective tissue between two parts.

The Bookshelf Puzzle - [Rating: 3/10] - When you unlock the door in the bedroom, continue moving Laura forward until she finds herself in a room filled with skeletons. Eventually, she'll see a skeletal hand holding a key she can add to her inventory. Return to the bedroom and find the critical path to a nearby desk. When you approach the desk, you'll notice it has a dozen locked drawers, and the key from the skeleton closet can open one of them. When you find the correct drawer, unlocking it will reveal a book. Leave the bedroom and continue into a large room with a set of busts next to a bookshelf. Move towards the shelf and use the book to fill a missing spot that unlocks a hidden door. Much like the previous puzzle, this one feels like something you would experience in a real-world escape room. The steps involved are not so far removed from each other that it feels impossible. Likewise, this sequence is one of the few that feels like it is still operating in some realm of human logic.

Disc 2

It was inevitable that I would experience another quick time event puzzle during this series.
It was inevitable that I would experience another quick time event puzzle during this series.

Using The Circular Elevator Room To Find The Knight And Defeating Said Knight [Rating: 6/10] - While the first disc of D certainly has its fair share of bumps and bruises, it wasn't so wild and wacky you never feel like you can't figure out what the fuck it wants. Also, at least every room and environment has a ton of hidden visual cinematics and cutscenes to keep you interested. All of that goes out the window during the game's second disc, where I have a sneaking suspicion Kenji Eno ran out of money. I say that because the start of the second disc primarily takes place in a stone and chain elevator with almost no visual stimuli to keep you on your toes. Worse, most rooms you can visit using the medieval elevator are empty or dead-ends. The first room you'll want to see is the "Knights Room," which will require you to operate a crank three screens removed from the elevator. Worse, the animation when you use the crank is slow, and with the knight's room ten clicks away, I felt like I could feel grey hairs growing on my head when I finally moved the elevator to the correct position. When you enter the room, Laura must defeat a knight. When Laura vanquishes the knight, she ends up with its sword.

When you enter the room with the knight, you will be treated to one of the few "action sequences" in the game. If you were wondering how this plays, it is a quick time event where Laura can end up dead after a single wrong move. Luckily, the game is a bit forgiving with how fast you need to be on the draw, but the element of instant death is still something to be mindful of when you get to this point. I ultimately fall back to that last point when ranking this puzzle. Because the game actively prevents you from saving, ANYTHING that can result in an unanticipated "Game Over" is all the more anxiety-inducing. Likewise, using the elevator fucking sucks. As hinted, it is slow, and if you are not careful, it can eat away at your timer and force you into a failed run to complete the game. More flawed is how the game is structured during this part. There's a "correct" order when using the elevator. Still, you don't know that, and the presence of dead ends makes this sequence one of the least visually exciting and most punishing if you attempt to explore it without a guide.

Warning! D is NOT color blind friendly!
Warning! D is NOT color blind friendly!

The Fountain Puzzle - [Rating: 6/10 For "Normal People"; Impossible/10 If You Are Color Blind] - With the knight dead and the sword in hand, it's time to move Laura back to the elevator. This time, turn the lever seven times to transport Laura to the castle's garden. While there, you'll notice a locked door to an observatory and two statues standing in the middle of fountains. When you examine the fountains, you discover one depicts the horoscope Aquarius and the other Sagittarius. With the sword, Laura will need to use it to stab the door through a keyhole to open it. When Laura ascends the stairs to the observatory, she can use a telescope to observe the astrological signs of the western zodiac system. However, you'll need to set the telescope using the standard symbols for Aquarius and Sagittarius and then watch the colored light that flickers when you look into its lens. The game requires you to notice green flashes when you examine Sagittarius and light blue when you look at Aquarius. Next, you need to backtrack to the statues and operate a console with buttons on each and click the correct colors. When you do, the water from the fountains will flood a spike pit in a different room and allow you to pick up a dueling pistol from the 1800s.

I cannot emphasize enough how much using this elevator sucks ass.
I cannot emphasize enough how much using this elevator sucks ass.

Let's deal with the most significant problem with this puzzle right off the bat. If you have color blindness, this part of the game is virtually impossible to complete unless you consult a guide. The difference between light blue and regular blue, as well as dark green and regular green, without any accompanying symbols or shapes, can be challenging to parse out for those with vision issues. As such, this puzzle has noteworthy accessibility issues. However, this sequence is still a bit of a pain in the ass outside of those issues. For reference, I am not color blind. However, it still took me a while to remember the symbols for the western zodiac system and realize you need to use the sword, and not ANY of the many keys in Laura's possession, to open the door to the observatory. Finally, using the console on the fountains does not feel good, and going back and forth between the telescope and the outside garden takes fucking forever to do.

Using The Gun To Escape The Second Stage Of The Castle - [Rating: 4/10] - As I said, the water from the fountains allows Laura to pick up a gun in a chest that previously existed in a spike pit. The game even plays a cinematic showing the chest rising to the top of the water in a different room to direct the player on their next steps. Unfortunately, you must turn the lever for the elevator ten times to get to this chest. Next, you need to return to the elevator with the gun, pull the lever three times, and navigate Laura to a stained glass mural. What was once a dead-end can now be destroyed if you use the gun on the stained glass. The only part of this puzzle I actively dislike is using the crank to move the elevator. Otherwise, this is, again, a fun little escape room puzzle. When I first butted up against the room with the window, I was able to predict I would need to use an item on it acquired elsewhere to continue the game. The minute I picked up the antique handgun, I immediately thought of the room with the window. Even if you skip the window room before you start the puzzle with the observatory, you can safely assume the gun is the key to unlocking the next part of the mansion.

What is this? Fucking Dark Souls?
What is this? Fucking Dark Souls?

Finding The False Wall - [Rating: 8/10] - After blowing up the window and watching Laura climb a ladder, you'll find her in a dark corridor. If you walk to the end of this corridor, she will see a hallucination that depicts a stone wall breaking apart. That is your LONE HINT to find a secret door to a concealed passageway. The corridor has two sides, and you must check both for the hidden passage. Also, it is a narrow linear walkway with the same repeating stone texture. The good news is that the corridor is short, but it is long enough that you might be sweating bullets if you only have a little time left. It's not an impossible ask of the player IF the hint the game provided was explicit enough for them to know what they need to do. That's not the case with the hallucination because the wall breaking apart is only a tiny jittery section of the dream. Nonetheless, you can brute force your way to the secret passage, which is why I can't give it my highest mark.

Oh, my favorite! Ball and gear puzzles!
Oh, my favorite! Ball and gear puzzles!

Operating The Machine Behind False Wall - [Rating: 8/10] - When or if you manage to find the false wall, Laura will immediately encounter a weird machine with gears and buttons. If you look closely, you can notice a red ball on one of the gears to the left. The goal is to move the ball to the center of the right gear. On a console that shifts the ball and wheels, there is a lever on the left, a button in the middle, and another lever on the right. The levers can be set to a top, middle, or down setting, and the left handle shifts the left gear while the right one shifts the rightmost gear. There is more than one way to solve this puzzle, and while I appreciate that, there is no way to reset the ball and gears should you royally fuck up the contraption. That last point is an absolute pain in the ass because even with optimal play, getting everything where it needs to be is relatively involved. The quickest solution, with the first position being for the left lever and the second position for the right one, is Middle-Middle-Button, Down-Middle-Button, Middle-Middle-Button, Top-Middle-Button, Top-Down-Button, and Middle-Middle-Button. Once you move the red ball to the correct place, another wall gives way, and Laura confronts her father attempting to become the next Dracula. Yeah, the story in this game GOES PLACES!

However, let's talk about why this machine puzzle sucks ass. If you mess up even once, how you undo your mistake is a complete and total mystery. Sometimes, your best bet is to spin the ball in a full circle until it returns to its original starting position. Moreover, the machine is laborious and slow, much like the elevator. For reference, I was only three to five steps removed from the optimal way to use the device, and it took me a solid nine to ten minutes. All the while, the few mistakes I made were a complete revelation to me. I feel like the levers' inputs, and the ball's position can lead to unexpected results, but that might be me going crazy. Nonetheless, there's no doubt this is an incredibly poorly signposted puzzle that comes out of nowhere and is a terrible immersion breaker. It's a lousy penultimate capstone to what is a bizarre but at least visually provocative art house project.

IT'S TIME TO KILL DRACULA!
IT'S TIME TO KILL DRACULA!

Shooting Your Father In The Heart Before He Becomes Dracula - [1/10] - Congratulations! You have reached the end of the game! Before you do anything too hasty, Laura's father gives her the rundown about how she and her family are distant relatives of Dracula. He also reveals that after her birth, Laura ate her mother to absorb her flesh and soul to become some ultimate being or demigod. After lecturing why he should be the one to become the next Dracula, he goads Laura to approach him so he can absorb her essence. However, if you take the time to pick up the antique pistol, using it results in Laura shooting her father in the heart and listening to his dying words before the game smash cuts to credits. It's a binary choice and a hilariously dumb way to end this game. However, it also feels wildly appropriate, given how the game only gives a shit about its story at the ass-end of its final hours. What a fucking video game!

Should You Play D? (Answer: Only If You Like Weird Art House Stuff So Much You Can Overlook A Lot Of Bunk Gameplay)

This game fucking GOES PLACES!
This game fucking GOES PLACES!

You have to have a deep appreciation and fascination for art house projects to appreciate the merits of D. It is a wildly ambitious title that goes places you'd never expect. Also, there's nothing in the industry that plays and feels like D, and while I would argue there's a good reason for that, that's worth commending on paper. Likewise, the game's unusual format results in average playtimes of around an hour and a half to two hours. With the game's moderate asking price, there's no denying it is an experiment with a low barrier to entry. In many ways, D is a prototype of what we often see on itch.io or most PC digital marketplaces. It takes crazy risks that don't always pan out, but it has hutzpah. Similarly, the game does not have a single malicious bone and broadly commits to Kenji Eno's design objectives of creating a "virtual movie."

Unfortunately, it's not a lot of fun to play. It is a game that is still operating under the shadow of Myst and 7th Guest, and as a result, its puzzles are often laborious tasks that will try the average person's patience if they are not consulting a guide. Worse, the game only partially delivers on its promise of providing an interactive world with hidden context clues on what's happening in the story. The minute you leave the starting environment and start dabbling with the castle elevator, the game is essentially done with its optional psychedelic cutscenes or rewarding the player for exploring its nooks and crannies. On top of that, the game only gives a shit about telling a story during its start and final scene. All of the stuff about Dracula and cannibalism come out of nowhere. It is also an odd and unwanted plot twist considering the beginning of the game puts some value on telling a realistic and atmospheric horror story.

I wish I liked this game more than I did.
I wish I liked this game more than I did.

I'm not going to sit here and say Kenji Eno didn't have an influence or legacy during his tragically short lifespan. I'm also not going to tell you that you need to go out of your way to play his games. The only sub-set of people I feel comfortable imploring to check out D are Deadly Premonition fans still toiling away on this site. The same logic Deadly Premonition fans use to excuse the actively unfun nature of that game by saying part of its appeal is its jank applies to D. However, I do need to issue one word of advice to those who might follow through and play this game. Avoid the sequels and pretend they do not exist.

Also, if you are interested to see what it was like for me playing the game blind, here's an archive of that happening:

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Finishing Final Fantasy VI - Episode 3: What An Ending; What A Game!

Author's Note: The the second part of a multi-part retrospective on Final Fantasy VI, If you missed the first part here's the link:

If you enjoyed this episode, here's a directory to the first episodes of every Final Fantasy game I have covered on this site thus far:

Part 16: The Late-Game Sidequests Aren't That Good! (i.e., FUCK THE CULTISTS' TOWER!)

The best cast in a Final Fantasy game just keeps on getting better.
The best cast in a Final Fantasy game just keeps on getting better.

During my last write-up about Final Fantasy VI, I included a series of reviews for all of the character recruitment missions in Final Fantasy VI. With this post, I intend to review all the "other" sidequests that do not result in you adding a new member to your party. While some missions provide compelling stories or powerful loot, the majority are of questionable quality. If there is one black mark against Final Fantasy VI, other than the fiddly relic and Esper systems, it has to be its tough-as-nails end-game. The vast majority of its late-game optional quests reflect that shortcoming. However, I am getting ahead of myself.

Reminder about my review categories for sidequests in Final Fantasy VI:

  1. Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment (1-10): How long does the side quest take to complete? A score of 1 suggests completion is almost instantaneous, whereas a score of 10 indicates the side quest is as exhaustive as finishing the entire game.
  2. Gameplay/Loot Utility (1-10): Are the mechanical and gameplay rewards for this side quest worth it compared to the average time investment? A score of 1 or less suggests the rewards are trash, whereas a score of 10 indicates the item or items provided are overpowered or strongly recommended.
  3. Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy (1-10): Is this a pointless fetch quest for a random hat, or does it add something to the story? A score of 1 means there is little character or story relevance. In contrast, a score of 10 indicates the side quest is as or possibly more narratively essential than some or many mainline quest missions.
  4. Difficulty (1-10): How hard is the mission to complete for the everyday person or someone playing this game for the first time? A score of 1 means no barriers to finishing the side quest exist. In contrast, a score of 10 means the side quest either has major dexterity-based accessibility issues OR conflicts, encounters, or boss battles associated with the side quest pose a significant hindrance that requires extensive planning or grinding on the part of the player.
  5. Discoverability (1-10): How much of a pain is it to get to and start this quest? Likewise, what's it like traveling to all its associated locations and places? A score of 1 means the side quest is on a well-worn path or right in front of the player. A score of 10 means we have reached Knights of the Round levels of ridiculous backtracking and wandering around in circles.

Cyan's Dreams

I definitely enjoyed the Mother/Earthbound vibes of the dream realm.
I definitely enjoyed the Mother/Earthbound vibes of the dream realm.

Premise: I'm going to spoil things and say this is the best sidequest in Final Fantasy VI. It's a long one, but it is worth every minute. You first need to add Cyan to your party, which you can read more about in the previous episode. With Cyan in tow, a complex series of events will ensue if you decide to pay a visit to Doma Castle and rest there. When your characters awake, they will notice three monsters are feasting on Cyan's dreams, and when you attempt to stop them, they send you to a dream realm. While in this realm, you not only butt up against an assortment of new and old foes but also encounter the spirits of Cyan's dead son and wife. They relay how you need to help Cyan to move on with his life and how they want him to be happy and not stuck thinking about what he has lost. Yes, the entire level is a metaphor about needing to come to terms with loss and death rather than let it lord over you, but it works! It's a fantastic storytelling set piece, and the conclusion is stunning.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 7/10 - I mentioned this was a "long one," right? There are three distinct "acts" to Cyan's dream sequence. The first involves entering the castle and triggering the cutscene. The second takes place in the psychedelic dream realm. The final act occurs in a vignetted version of the royal court and culminates with a boss battle against Wrexsoul. Of these movements, the first is the easiest, and the second is the most complex and involved. As I will review in the "Difficulty" section, you want to ensure you don't trigger this sequence with a less-than-optimal party composition, as you will be playing parts of it down to one to two characters at times. This design choice can be frustrating and hard to predict, but it also has the consequence of slowing every battle to a crawl, especially when you only have a single playable character. Likewise, the dream realm has a confusing layout with several dead ends, and the final level has a lot of optical illusion shit that makes it hard to process. Again, it's worth it, but it is not for the faint of heart.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 9/10 - The most significant reward for completing Doma Castle in the World of Ruin is gaining the Alexander Esper. Like previous versions, Final Fantasy VI's version of Alexander casts beams of Holy magic and sports a bevy of protection-based spells. When dealing with Kefka and many of the game's late-game bosses, which seek joy in afflicting you with every possible status effect, Alexander's Dispel, Esuna, Protect, and Shell abilities are great resources to have in your toolbox. There's also fantastic loot in the castle, including a Genji Glove, and Cyan gains his final Sword technique. I'm not giving this my top marks because the rewards here are excellent resources with practical utility rather than game-breaking utility.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 9/10 - Again, as involved and tiresome this quest might get, it is all worth it in the long run. When people ask me who I think is the "best" character in Final Fantasy VI and reply Cyan, this is what I point to when they give me a weird look. Cyan is the best-written character in the game, as there's a sense of wholeness and rawness to his character arc you don't see anywhere else besides Locke's backstory. It is powerful to see Cyan come to terms with the death of his family and get one last farewell before he never sees them again. It is a visual tour de force with you watching decades of Cyan's life flash before his eyes. The moment you magically find all of your characters re-enacting the game's opening scene with Magitek Armor is phenomenal. It is a "forever good" scene, and if you play Final Fantasy VI, you should do this mission.
  • Difficulty: 6/10 to 8/10 - I'm going to fudge my rules about sticking with hard and fast numbers for this mission. This ranking depends more on your prep work than most quests in Final Fantasy VI. If you initiate it with a less-than-optimal party composition, as I did, you will have an unfun time. There's a moment when you must navigate the dream realm with only one character, and if you are not careful, that's a real bummer. I fucked up and needed to use Gogo for ten minutes, and it felt like an eternity. The obvious trick is to have Mog in a slot and hope he's your starting character so you can quickly disable random encounters. Those random encounters are not fun because this is the proverbial Final Fantasy "Status Effect Dungeon," where every enemy prefers to fuck with your character's statuses rather than deal direct damage. The two boss battles are tricky gimmicks more than anything else. The three dream eaters have the annoying mechanic where one is constantly healing the rest of them and needs to be dealt with first before the others. Wrexsoul is another tome in the "boss takes advantage of reflecting to fuck you over" series alongside Seymour Flux. You can negate his habit of possessing your party members by using the "Break" ability, but he's still annoying to deal with nonetheless.
  • Discoverability: 5/10 - I had a tough time with this score. On the one hand, knowing to go to Doma Castle isn't immediately apparent to the player, and understanding to rest in a bed to trigger a multi-part quest isn't clear as well. Likewise, the two dream-based dungeons can be challenging to navigate. However, after everything the game has done with Cyan up to this point, I cannot imagine a world where anyone doesn't take him to Doma Castle in the World of Ruin.

Recommendation: Yes, you should 100% do this mission, but maybe wait until you are near the end of the game.

The Auction House

Has there ever been an auction house mechanic in a Final Fantasy game that did not suck the life out of you?
Has there ever been an auction house mechanic in a Final Fantasy game that did not suck the life out of you?

Premise: In the upper northern section of Jidoor is an auction house. During the latter portions of the World of Balance and all of the World of Ruin, you can purchase rare items and Espers from this location. The two most critical purchasable items are the Zona Seeker and Golem Espers. However, both of these pieces of Magicite only have a percentage chance of spawning, and you'll likely need to enter and exit the auction house several times before one will appear. Other valuable items include the Hero's Ring, which boosts all damage output on a character by 25%, and a Zephyr Cloak, which increases a character's magic evasion rate. It is worth noting that everything in the auction house is costly.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 3/10 - This depends on RNG. During my first playthrough, I could not get Zona Seeker to spawn in the World of Balance. During my second playthrough, the Espers and Hero Ring triggered one after another. It can be frustrating and emotionally draining to go into the auction knowing what you want to buy and for it to never show up after trying repeatedly. As a wise man once said, you live by the RNG goddess and die by the RNG goddess.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 6/10 - This score is up for debate. Zona Seeker teaches Rasp, Osmose, and Shell at rates only beaten by late-game Espers. However, many of these abilities are highly situational (i.e., Rasp), and you are better off sticking to other, more powerful options. Golem is one of the few Espers that is more useful as a summon than a piece of equipment. As with previous versions of the summon, casting applies a barrier that temporarily protects your party from blockable moves. For the bosses in the last level, Golem gives you a little breathing room to stick with damage output for a handful of turns which can make a big difference.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 0/10 - Getting any of the items at the auction adds nothing to the story. Even when you pick up the Espers, there's no quick monologue where they greet you or recognize your power.
  • Difficulty: 2/10 - Again, this score comes down to RNG. Your ranking can increase depending on your personal experience and luck. There are a few ways to rig the RNG in your favor that I will not review here. However, I have a hard time ranking this too high, considering getting what you want boils down to how much you value your time.
  • Discoverability: 1/10 - The auction house is a significant fixture of Jidoor and something NPCs will even direct you towards if you accidentally miss it. As such, it is impossible to miss in any playthrough.

Recommendation: You should try to get the Espers, but if things are not going your way, feel free to cut bait. Neither is necessary for completing the game.

The Dragon's Neck Coliseum

Ah, yes, the arena level! My favorite!
Ah, yes, the arena level! My favorite!

Premise: In the World of Balance, you can find a man attempting to build a massive monument north of Kohlingen. He mentions that his building will eventually attract the world's best warriors. When you enter the World of Ruin, you discover the old geezer has made the perennial RPG coliseum level. The trick here is that you must hand over an item in your inventory to Ultros, and whatever you relinquish determines your foe. However, the battles at the coliseum are one-on-one tussles and out of the player's control. The opponent and the player's character are controlled by a computer and will use any spell and ability they have in their repertoire. If you win, you lose your bet item and gain the opponent's item, which is always better. If you lose, you have jack shit to show for your engagement because the coliseum battles also do not provide EXP or AP.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 5/10 - Some people swear by the coliseum, and others swear at it. I am somewhere in the middle. I look at Final Fantasy VI's arena the way I look at Triple Triad in Final Fantasy VIII. It's a non-combat-oriented way to prepare your party members for the end-game dungeon and has many valuable rewards if you choose to invest in it. However, you don't need to get too involved if you are already grinding away on top-tier moves the traditional route. Unfortunately, the RNG aspect of the coliseum makes it impossible for me to get fully invested in it, and it's fiddly. The best way to approach it is to use low-tier characters like Umaro, that can hit hard but don't have a diverse assortment of magic abilities. The issue with that strategy, for me at least, is that this conceit is antithetical to how the main game wants you to play it. Therefore, making a character best equipped for the coliseum has always seemed like a raw deal.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 7/10 - If you know what you are doing and what you need to give up to get the best items and weapons in the coliseum, you can break Final Fantasy VI sideways. However, it's still a time-consuming process, and there's always the chance things will not go your way. I honestly feel there are better ways to prepare your party for the final level than spending time at the coliseum, but it is nice that there's a non-grinding approach to making your party murder machines. If only it were more fun.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 4/10 - I will give this a few more points than most would because of the one-off interactions you can have with Ultros, Siegfried, and Typhon. It's not much, but seeing Ultros cuss you out when you give him random bullshit or loot trash is never not funny to me and one of the few highlights to the coliseum.
  • Difficulty: 5/10 - My approach to the Dragon's Neck Coliseum has always been the same. Level up Umaro to level 25 and then look up the three to five items he can get with relative ease. Because Umaro has no magical abilities, he's one of the few characters, along with Gogo, that is set up to shine in the coliseum. However, plenty of more challenging encounters will require more complex strategies, but I cannot be fucked to give a shit. Whenever things get too hard, I up and move on to something different, and I advise you to do the same.
  • Discoverability: 3/10 - It's a big stadium you cannot miss. Moreover, two to three people tell you how things work and what you must do when entering it. I'm bumping this score up a few points only because the way battles play out is weird and nothing like how the rest of the game plays. It is a definite shock if you are not familiar with it.

Recommendation: THIS IS A BIG "NOPE!" I think the average player should give it two or three goes and decide if they want to do more. If you choose to, I beg you not to play it blind and look up the best item trades on GameFAQs.

Carving The Tomb in Darril's Tomb

Because spending more time with Setzer is my idea of a good time.
Because spending more time with Setzer is my idea of a good time.

Premise: This is a quest I accidentally forgot to mention in the previous episode. You notice a series of blank tombstones when you follow Setzer to Darril's Tomb. When you approach these, the game prompts you to carve a sequence of glyphs into them. If you explore an optional room in the dungeon, you can find a different collection of tombstones with letters. You need to transcribe these letters to the first room and notice the letters spell "The World is Square" but backward. This message is your hint about a unique treasure in the dungeon. That treasure is a Growth Egg, but you don't need to mess around with the puzzle and can make a beeline to the chest containing it.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 3/10 - This is such a short mission that I forgot it existed until I conferred with my notes. The random encounters in the tomb can slow you down, and knowing which rooms to explore when you get to the part involving draining rooms of water can be a bit obtuse. However, considering how small the dungeon is compared to the rest of the World of Ruin, it's relatively easy.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 3/10 - The Growth Egg allows whoever is wearing it to double their EXP after battles. That's nothing to scoff at, but it isn't an earth-shattering reward. The game's scale regarding EXP drops near the end is hilariously busted. As such, it's an excellent tool for those that might have characters that are seriously behind their A-Team, but nothing more.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 1/10 - This quest adds almost nothing to the story. The characters make a few remarks about the tombstones, but nothing in-depth worth repeating. It's a shame when you consider what the game could have done here to fill in the gaps about Darril or Setzer's backstory, but that's neither here nor there.
  • Difficulty: 3/10 - The only tricky part about this side quest is the random encounters. Because this is during the bit where you only have Sabin, Celes, and Setzer, most are likely to attempt this when you don't have Mog. However, because this is during the earlier portion of the World of Ruin, there's nothing here besides the possible Malboro encounter that can entirely wipe your party.
  • Discoverability: 4/10 - Exploring the tomb can be rough your first time, but when you realize it is a linear horseshoe, you can process it more easily. The only part that got me was the sequence involving the water-filled rooms you need to drain. Besides that, the only other annoyance is needing to go back and forth between the two tombstones, but that's not a massive challenge.

Recommendation: This falls into the "do it, but only because it is incredibly low stakes" category. The Growth Egg is worth it for anyone with party members who are significantly behind the rest of your characters. That said, it's nothing you should sweat if you miss it.

The Cursed Shield

If these words have ever graced your screen, then you are a better person than me.
If these words have ever graced your screen, then you are a better person than me.

Premise: This mission will be another quickie. Once you get Locke, you can return to Narshe, break into some houses, and steal some goodies. While doing this, you will eventually pick up a "Cursed Shield." When you equip this shield, it bestows whoever holds it a bunch of debuffs. However, if a character has it equipped for 256 victorious battles, it will become the "Paladin Shield," the best piece of equipment in the game.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 10/10 - 256 battles? All the while, at least one of my characters is essentially useless? Yeah, fuck that! If it were 100 battles, that would be one thing, but 256 is something else.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 8/10 - Yes, it's the best shield in the game, but it's not as if the other late-game shields are dogshit. Also, teaching Ultima is nice, but you could elect to transform Ragnarok into an Esper and get that same utility.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 0/10 - It adds nothing to the story other than a special note congratulating you for your hard work.
  • Difficulty: 10/10 - I have never fully completed this quest and do not intend to because I value my time and have a stack of games I want to play before I turn to dust.
  • Discoverability: 8/10 - Knowing to use Locke to rob the locked houses at Narshe for their goods is tricky to remember. When I first played the game, I did not even think to use Locke and assumed the city was abandoned. Knowing what to do with the Cursed Shield in-game is also a mystery if and when you get it. The game does not outright tell you how to lift the curse, and there's no one in the World of Ruin that talks about its history.

Recommendation: Hard Pass. The only people who go out of their way to complete this quest are completionists who elected to convert Ragnarock into sword form rather than Esper form. However, you don't necessarily need Ultima if you have a strong enough slate of high-tier magical abilities from the mid to late-game Espers.

Returning to Figaro's Castle And Exploring The Ancient Castle

A criminally underrated sidequest that a lot of people apparently miss.
A criminally underrated sidequest that a lot of people apparently miss.

Premise: This mission is a fun one many people forget to do. Once you gain access to the Falcon, you can return to Figaro's Castle. While you do not need Edgar for this mission, I consider it attached to him because he has a few extra lines of dialogue if you include him in your party. When you enter the boiler room of Figaro's Castle, you can have the engineer there swap the castle's locations. However, during the journey, the engineer will detect something suspicious and asks if you would like to investigate. If you agree, you will find a mysterious castle that appears abandoned. As you explore the acropolis, you learn it is a relic from the War of the Magi over 1,000 years ago. Inside are petrified statues of Odin and a queen. You can acquire Odin's Magicite by talking to his sculpture, but if you imbue them with the queen's tears, he will transform into Raiden.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 4/10 - This level is another one I strongly recommend you blow through with Mog and random encounters turned off. The castle has a winding and overlapping floor plan that is confusing and a pain in the ass to navigate, and I found the random encounters pop off with a higher frequency than in the overworld. Likewise, the game isn't all that clear on what it wants you to do in the castle in the first place. Luckily, it is not that big of a location, and the areas of your concern to progress the quest are in the single digits. There are two boss battles, but they are avoidable monster-in-a-box encounters, and you can skip them if you want to cut down your overall playtime.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 9/10 - The situation with Odin and Raiden is a bit weird. You can't have both; once you transform Odin into Raiden, you cannot reverse that choice. The point of order that draws battle lines between fans of Final Fantasy VI is whether or not you should delay converting Odin into Raiden. At the center of the debate is that Odin buffs a character's base speed, whereas Raiden does not. Odin also teaches Meteor, but other Espers can do that, and Raiden is the only source of the Quick spell, which allows the caster two uninterrupted turns. I always immediately swap Odin for Raiden. The Agility stat feels like a trap, and if you are that concerned about your characters always going first, you can always use a relic to give them auto haste. Also, with many late-game Espers providing Hastega, your character's agility score increasingly feels less important. Quick is far more valuable as it stacks alongside your relics. For example, when I had Terra with Quick AND the Soul of Thamasa, she was able to cast Ultima five times before it was a boss's turn. Raiden is BUSTED, and if it were not for the fact he teaches Quick at a slow rate, I would have given this top marks.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 6/10 - The story they end up telling at the ancient castle is sentimental and does a decent enough job of providing lore to a historical event the characters have talked about only in passing. It's pleasant and well-told but entirely ancillary for the most part. It's one of the more sentimental stories in the game, but the game's metaphor about Odin and the queen being star-crossed lovers works for the most part. I am less enthused about the short lines of dialogue Edgar, Locke, and Terra add if they enter the area. They are easy to miss, but they continue a handful of plot threads introduced earlier. Edgar has an endless stream of quips about the functions of Figaro's Castle and has additional knowledge about the ancient castle no one in the party knows. Terra has an entire flashback and internal monologue when we learn of Odin and the queen's love needing to be kept low because Espers and humans are discouraged from having a relationship. She recalls her parentage, and the characters comfort her that the world they are attempting to save will allow her to love however she sees fit. It's a great scene, and it is a goddamn shame it is entirely optional.
  • Difficulty: 5/10 - Again, because of the Byzantine floorplan, I strongly advise you have Mog with random encounters disabled. The main gimmick of the ancient castle is that the random enemies often have auto-reflect and high magic resistances and require you to use more physically minded characters. They are not that hard, but the level's gimmick can sometimes be annoying. The two OPTIONAL bosses are the only part of the level that causes me to question this rating. I mentioned earlier they are monster-in-a-box bosses you can accidentally walk into, and they are NO JOKE! The first is a Master Tonberry (i.e., Master Pug), who has the typical habit of stabbing the shit out of your characters as any good Tonberry will do. The second is a far more problematic battle against the Samurai Soul (i.e., KatanaSoul). This boss has 32,000 HP and reflects any magic that touches it. It's a slog of a battle, but, I must emphasize, it is optional. That said, beating the Samurai Soul rewards you with the Master's Scroll (i.e., the Offering), which grants four additional attacks per turn on whoever wears it.
  • Discoverability: 8/10 - Figuring out how to get to the ancient castle throws most players for a loop. First, you need to remember to go to Figaro's Castle. When you talk to the engineer, you need to pass on moving away from the anomaly and agree to investigate it. It also doesn't help that the path to the castle is through a random prison cell rather than the ordinary entryways and exits at Figaro's Castle. I keep harping on how hard it is to know where you need to go in the castle, and for a good reason, it is one of the worst-designed levels in the game! It features a crisscrossing lattice-like design that sometimes drove me up the wall. Worse, the final sequence on reaching the queen is a bunch of inane adventure game logic chicanery, and I say that as someone who enjoys classic adventure games. To find the secret room with the queen, you need to read a random book in a library that says, "the queen stands and takes five steps." Then, you need to find the throne and then take precisely five steps away from it downward and press the action/interact button to unlock a hidden staircase. Finally, the stairs are the spawn point for the Blue Dragon, and it has the habit of attacking you even when you actively try to avoid it.

Recommendation: You should seek this mission out, but only if you don't mind adding another half-hour to your playtime to know how the world of Final Fantasy VI works. There are some annoying parts to it, but the rewards for checking every nook and cranny are pretty impressive, and the story that ensues is compelling in its own right. I like to think the core story behind Odin went on to inform the main plot thread of Tidus in Final Fantasy X, but that could be me.

The Eight Dragons

Luckily, some of these fuckers are encountered during the story. I still have no idea why Square-Enix cut out the Dragons' Den dungeon, though.
Luckily, some of these fuckers are encountered during the story. I still have no idea why Square-Enix cut out the Dragons' Den dungeon, though.

Premise: When you first transition to the World of Ruin, several NPCs speak of dragons roaming the world. These NPCs even lecture on how the dragons have murdered many a hapless adventurer. These dragons have fixed locations in the World of Ruin, and the good news is that if you complete the most necessary sidequests, you'll find them naturally during your journey.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 9/10 - Finding all of the dragons is a pain in the ass, and the side quests they are often attached to are among the hardest in the game. However, your efforts are not in vain, and I must emphasize that point. Upon defeat, each dragon rewards the player with handy loot. This includes a Force Shield after defeating the Ice Dragon, a Magus Rod for defeating the Earth Dragon, a Murakumo for defeating the Red Dragon, the Zantetsuken for the Blue Dragon, a Holy Lance for the Holy Dragon, a Crystal Orb for beating the Gold Dragon, Force Armor for defeating the Storm Dragon, and a Muscle Belt for destroying the Skull Dragon. Depending on your playstyle, some of these items are more useful than others. I enjoy using the Holy Lance and pairing it with the Dragoon Boots, and there are fun hybrid classes you can unlock if you kill the dragons. The reward for offing all of the Eight Dragons is the Crusader Esper. Meteor and Meltdown are overrated abilities, but the MP +50% boost upon level-ups is worth it.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 9/10 - All the items and rewards you get for beating the dragons are good. However, some are better than others, and the Crusader Esper, while good, is one you'll likely use more for its level-up stat boost than its abilities. Also, the ratio could be more positive when you compare the time commitment required to beat the dragons with your material rewards. However, I'm not going to lie and deny that beating the dragons can be worth it in the long run.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 7/10 for the GBA and iOS/Android port; 4/10 for the Pixel Remaster - This one is difficult to assess because your version determines how much you get out of beating the eight legendary dragons. The Dragons' Den optional dungeon is exclusive to the GBA and 2014 mobile and Steam port of Final Fantasy VI. After defeating the eight dragons in these versions, you can access a new dungeon that contains the game's most challenging encounters and bosses. Additionally, there's some brief worldbuilding about an ultimate evil looming that predates the Warring Triads, and this being a Final Fantasy game, you fight and defeat that evil. I recommend you look up the boss models for the Kaiser Dragon and Omega Weapon because I think they are pretty cool. The SNES, PS1 Classic, and Pixel Remaster versions do NOT have this optional dungeon. The lack of a culminating level means the last dragon's rousing speech feels like a bit of an anti-climax.
  • Difficulty: 7/10 - First, if the only way you have beaten the eight dragons is through the Vanish-Doom glitch, know that the Pixel Remaster has eliminated it. You now need to plan accordingly for each dragon and take note of its elemental affinities before you trigger a battle. This prep work can be time-consuming given the fiddly nature of the Relic and Esper mechanics, but it is entirely necessary with the eight dragons. The good news is that the power scale in Final Fantasy VI follows the typical D&D adage of "linear fighter" and "exponential mage." Therefore, if you do a handful of side quests and additional grinding, you can scrape by while completing the side quests that lead you to the dragons. If you want my advice, if beating the eight dragons is on your bucket list, create a list of the side quests that do not lead to any dragons and do those first with your A-Team so you have at least four party members that will be able to hold their own in combat. Likewise, some dragons are easier to beat than others. Consider trying out the Holy Dragon or Skull Dragon first, as they are the easiest to deal with as long as you have at least one character that can cast Holy or Ultima.
  • Discoverability: 5/10 - I will split the difference on this one. Completing every optional quest attached to the game's character arcs or general worldbuilding leads to most of the eight dragons. There are even a few you will encounter on the mainline path of the story. If you have already set a goal of completing or attempting everything in the game, then the dragons will come to you; it's just a matter of when.

Recommendation: Maybe, but only if you have the GBA or 2014 iOS/Android/Steam version with the Dragons' Den dungeon. For everyone else, attack the dragons you feel comfortable with, and feel free to skip the ones you don't. The rewards are great, but nothing you can't make up for if you ignore them.

Using Locke To Rob Homes In Narshe And Getting Ragnarok

Well, I guess it is time for us all to share where we stand in the great Ragnarock debate.
Well, I guess it is time for us all to share where we stand in the great Ragnarock debate.
  • Premise: After Locke rejoins your party, if you take the clever thief to Narshe, they will be able to unlock the doors to some of the houses. Exploring every home will uncover a handful of goodies, with the ultimate reward being the Ragnarok Esper. However, an old blacksmith possesses this summon and offers to refine it into a sword. If you elect to use Ragnarok as a summon, you have the most straightforward in-game resource to teach your characters the Ultima spell. If you refine it into the Ragnarock sword, you immediately unlock the second-best weapon in the game. If you successfully pawn it in the coliseum, you can unlock the game's definitive best weapon, the Lightbringer.
  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 2/10 - At its worst, this mission is a terrible final reminder of how awful the floor plan is for Narshe. The intricate scaffolding was terrible at the start of the game, and they still suck in the World of Ruin. However, the encounters at Narshe in the World of Ruin are laughably easy. Therefore, this is something I can rate low in this category.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 11/10 - Ragnarok is busted regardless of which version of him you take. The sword and Esper forms result in end-game strategies that make beating Kefka inevitable. His sword form is the second-most most potent weapon in the game by a country mile, and when accompanied by relics and buffs, it makes whoever is holding it a murder machine. That's doubly so if you use it to get the best weapon in the game, the Lightbringer. The Esper form teaches Ultima and is more accessible than the Paladin's Shield. I usually opt for the Esper as "Ultima Spam" is my go-to cheese tactic in Final Fantasy VI, and I cannot be fucked to take the time to deal with the Cursed Shield. However, the sword version of Ragnarok is an entirely legitimate choice if you prefer to approach things with a more sword-and-board mindset. The rest of the rewards at Narshe are "nice" but not nearly as game-breaking as Ragnarok.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 4/10 - There's a fun story that the blacksmith and eventually Ragnarok tell, but it is nothing earth-shattering. I'm not going to lie. The lack of any conclusion on what happened to Narshe after the World of Ruin feels like a weird unresolved plot hole. Likewise, you never meet up with any of the members of the Returners, and that feels like a massive missed opportunity.
  • Difficulty: 1/10 - The only battles to be had in the main town of Narshe are some of the same random encounters you had when you first started the game. There is absolutely nothing in Narshe that is worth sweating about when you reach the World of Ruin.
  • Discoverability: 6/10 - When I first played Final Fantasy VI, I visited Narshe before I got Locke and thought the game's message was that the city was dead and there was nothing to see. It was not until much later in life that I realized you could loot the houses. I honestly think the signposting that Locke can unlock the boarded buildings in Narshe is dog shit and the fact that most buildings have nothing of value is too much of a red herring by the developers. Yes, Narshe is one of the game's most memorable and iconic levels, and that is why I'm sticking with a moderate score, but the design of this part of the game is incredibly frustrating.

Recommendation: You should 100% complete this mission, but only because Ragnarok is that BROKEN! If you have ever had issues with finishing this game, then this is one of the most important things I will tell you about Final Fantasy VI. Teach four of your characters Ultima and do everything to boost their magic stats. If you can do that and grind your characters to level twenty-five or higher, you'll have no issue with the final level.

Beating Deathgaze (aka, Doom Gaze)

Seeing Bahamut's Mega Flare in-person for the first time was almost worth the effort.
Seeing Bahamut's Mega Flare in-person for the first time was almost worth the effort.

Premise: Are you ready for Final Fantasy VI's "normal" superboss? With the Pixel Remaster not emulating the Dragons' Den, Deathgaze is, for all intents and purposes, the closest thing you have to a superboss. The citizens of Albrook will speak of a spooky specter that they saw arise from the nearby mountains. By the way, that's the only hint the game will provide that Deathgaze exists. Yes, Deathgaze will spawn the first time you leave Kefka's Tower. However, more is needed to scaffold what you need to do to defeat it. The game not telling you that he's hiding in a random pixel every time you pilot the airship is absolute bullshit, but more on that in a minute.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 10/10 - There are two things about Deathgaze worth mentioning. The first part is understanding how the spawn rate for the monster works. Final Fantasy VI's World Map contains 4,096 squares and is sixty-four squares long on each side. Deathgaze occupies precisely one of those squares and respawns in a different spot whenever you dock or enter the interior of the Falcon. The second part is that Deathgaze will run away after it reaches a certain damage threshold. Thus, you fight it multiple times, and its spawning rules still apply each time. An exploit makes finding it slightly more manageable, but it's an incremental improvement over slamming your genitals against a sliding door.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 6/10 - Defeating Deathgaze unlocks Bahamut, and while it is an impressive summon, it doesn't stack up to the other late-game Espers. By the time you get Bahamut, most players have at least one source of Ultima, which is vastly superior to Bahamut's Flare ability. Likewise, their level-up buff, which is +50% HP, might sound impressive on paper, but because it is a late-game Esper, capturing that bonus is a bit tough. His actual use comes in physically summoning him to dole out massive damage from a character with a high Magic stat. However, you are better off sticking with Ultima or other less costly spells.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 2/10 - The citizens of Albrook discuss the presence of Deathgaze and express gratitude when you defeat it. There's a short line where Bahamut congratulates your party and states they are worthy of using him as a piece of Magicite. At the end of the day, if you are hunting for Deathgaze, you are doing it for achievements rather than experiencing a sweeping story.
  • Difficulty: 7/10 - During my two playthroughs, I always tend to attempt Deathgaze at the ass-end of my playthroughs. By that point, my preferred party is nothing but walking murder machines that spew Ultimas like no tomorrow. In a "normal" playthrough, I can imagine Deathgaze being a challenging and frustrating battle, especially considering his habit of running away.
  • Discoverability: 11/10 - Alright, I mentioned there was an exploit to make finding Deathgaze easier. What you do, and this tip is not a secret, is land the Falcon and immediately pop back into the sky. When you are in the air, gently press left or right, and you can pilot the airship at a 5% angle. This tilt allows you to cover the entire map by just pushing forward. It is worth mentioning that this makes a shitty process only marginally less shitty. Deathgaze still only occupies one random pixel, and it could take up to twenty minutes to cover the entire map. As such, it breaks the scale for this category.

Recommendation: FUCK NO! It's a complete pain in the ass and an utter waste of time.

The Cultists' Tower

Fuck me with a rusty knife.
Fuck me with a rusty knife.

Premise: Now it's time to talk about one of the worst dungeons in the history of the franchise! When you explore the continent of the World of Ruin, you will quickly identify a handful of landmarks that did not exist in the World of Balance. One of these landmarks is a skyscraper that juts out from what once was the Serpent's Trench. The tower itself is only accessible using the Falcon, and when you attempt to climb it, you'll notice it is a monotonous zig-zagging network of endless stairs. When you first explore it, you discover that it is inhabited by cultists who worship Kefka like a god. As you attempt to ascend the tower, two gameplay gimmicks immediately kick into gear. First, all characters other than Umaro can only use the "Magic" and "Item" commands in the battle menu. Second, almost every random encounter has the "Reflect" status as a default, making the forced requirement to use only magic-based attacks even harder. Luckily, Mog's unique ability to disable random battles still works, but the tower culminates with a ball-buster of a boss encounter (i.e., Magic Master). When you emerge victorious from this battle, your party will acquire the Soul of Thamasa.

  • Time, Physical, & Emotional Investment: 10/10 - I gave the Cultists' Tower ten minutes before using Mog's ability. If you attempt to climb the tower without disabling random encounters, then you are a better person than me. The encounter rate is sky-high, and with the gimmick being as restrictive as it is, I find zero fun in any of the battles you deal with at the tower. Removing the Reflect status on enemies before you can do any magical damage, which is all you can do, is frustrating. Then there's the battle with Magic Master, which involves a bunch of cheap bullshit. I was able to beat Magic Master consistently but struggled to prepare my characters for his final pop-off of Ultima. It's a terrible experience. And that is ignoring the highly specialized party composition the dungeon requires that you may or may not have at your disposal. You NEED four solid magic casters to finish this dungeon. If you have gone full-DPS or skewed a more "balanced" build, you might not even have four characters capable of making it to the midpoint, let alone beat the boss.
  • Gameplay/Loot Utility: 6/10 - The Soul of Thamasa is a handy tool, don't get me wrong. Casting two spells in one turn allows players to break this game if they know what they are doing. However, that's all you get when you complete the Cultists' Tower, and I cannot in good conscious not mention that this reward is NOT worth the time and effort when there are other more efficient ways to play Final Fantasy VI. With the Espers and relics the game already provides you, the Soul of Thamasa feels like a bow on a nice Christmas gift. You don't need it, but it completes the package and makes you feel good.
  • Storytelling & Worldbuilding Relevancy: 4/10 - I do have to give the Cultists' Tower some credit; it is one of the spookier and moodier environments in the game. I also like the idea or concept of showing how some parts of the world are on-board with Kefka taking over the planet. Unfortunately, the game doesn't do much beyond showcasing the cultists as a bunch of robbed maniacs. When Magic Master attempts to kill your party, he doesn't get the expected dramatic speech where he introduces himself or how he's connected with Kefka's plot. The level oozes potential, but it doesn't make good on that, even from a conceptual perspective.
  • Difficulty: 11/10 - HOLY SHIT! Where do I even start? As mentioned earlier, the tower forces players to rejigger their party composition into pure magic builds unless they have a decently leveled Umaro. If that isn't the direction you went with in your playthrough, you should skip the level entirely. I strongly recommend you use Mog's ability and make a beeline to the tower's top without any pointless battles. For whatever reason, in the Pixel Remaster, fights at this tower don't even count toward the Cursed Shield. Nonetheless, Magic Master is a complete bitch of a boss battle. He sports every high-tier elemental spell and has various debilitating status effects. Also, when you defeat him, he erupts the Ultima spell on your entire party rather than going down peacefully. If you cannot survive this spell, you must do the battle again. An easy way to make the battle marginally easier is to equip Reflect Rings on your party members, but getting four might be a bit much for most players. Regardless, the entire level, from top to bottom, is one of the worst individual levels I have ever played in the franchise.
  • Discoverability: 2/10 - The one nice thing I can say about the Cultists' Tower is how it is undeniably easy to find. Figuring out you need to land the Falcon in a specific spot to get into the tower is not immediately apparent to the player. Still, it is possible to figure out organically. Similarly, with the dungeon being a linear zig-zagging staircase, it is one of the few late-game dungeons where getting lost is not an issue.

Recommendation: For 90% of all people who play Final Fantasy VI, my answer is "no." For the ten percent of people who have played the game more than three times, beating Magic Master is a sort of rite of passage when attempting your first 100% playthrough. You are better off not doing it, but for the few of you that are up for the challenge, have at it. It's in the same ballpark as beating Ruby or Emerald Weapon in Final Fantasy VII.

Part 17: Kefka's Tower Sucks Shit, But Everything You Do There Is Cool

You have no idea what you have just signed up for, Terra.
You have no idea what you have just signed up for, Terra.

The final dungeons in Final Fantasy games have traditionally been "tough." When many Final Fantasy fans make lists of their least favorite dungeons, the last levels in the series are common targets. When you consider Final Fantasy VI as Squaresoft's final 2D or SNES Final Fantasy game, you can better understand the design mindset of Kefka's Tower. This level is the last page in a lengthy tome of JRPG history, and it needed to be the end all be all for the genre. However, there's no denying that Squaresoft went a little too hard and raw with designing their "final challenge" in Final Fantasy VI. Nonetheless, at least everything looks cool at Kefka's Tower. The cinematic that plays when Setzer first pilots and lands the Falcon on the tower is 16-bit directorial bliss. It looks monumentally better in the Pixel Remaster with improved particle effects and better animating characters. And the sprite work for all bosses, including the different phases of Kefka, is eye candy in the best possible way.

Admittedly, the level makes a solid first impression. It features the same bio-mechanical look as the Floating Continent but with a stronger steampunk and industrial vibe. In replaying the game, I'm confident that Midgar in Final Fantasy VII is at least a partial continuation of what was going on with Squaresoft's design team when they made Kefka's Tower. The worldbuilding at Kefka's Tower is also solid. There's a sense of the stakes ratcheting up as you near Kefka with battles against dragons and the Warring Triad. To play devil's advocate, I think it was the intent of the design and programming team for you to feel exhausted by the time you reach Kefka and, upon getting offed by him the first few times, for the player to doubt their readiness at the literal last step of their journey. I certainly felt that way, and when things finally went according to plan, the game's ending felt all the more satisfying. An enormous amount of preparation and planning goes into completing Kefka's Tower, and all of my previous criticisms of the relic and Esper menus being fiddly and frustrating apply here. Nonetheless, when everything comes together, there's no denying that it is a sight to see.

GO BURN IN A PILE OF SHIT, SETZER! I'D RATHER DIE WITH STRAGO BEFORE I GIVE YOU ANOTHER SHOT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
GO BURN IN A PILE OF SHIT, SETZER! I'D RATHER DIE WITH STRAGO BEFORE I GIVE YOU ANOTHER SHOT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

All of that praise aside, Kefka's Tower fucking sucks to play. At the core of why people still hate Kefka's Tower is that it requires you to split your party into three groups. The average JRPG fan, up to this point, and to a certain degree today, is bound to have a favored "A-Team" and possibly a "B-Team" on a good day. Kefka's Tower requiring THREE solid and balanced parties is a tall order, even for veterans of the genre. Unless you enjoy grinding away levels for Strago, Relm, Gogo, Celes, or Shadow, you are bound to have at least one party that feels like it is at a disadvantage when navigating the level. Maybe you have Mog with your weakest group to avoid random encounters for at least a third of your team. Unfortunately, that still means two-thirds of your journey involves waves of Behemoths, Malboros, and dragons. Even then, all three parties are bound to butt up against the seven bosses that litter the final dungeon. The members of the Warring Triad each require you to plan accordingly to better deal with their weaknesses and elemental affinities. I had a tough time with the Goddess boss and dealing with her tendency to cast the zombie status effect on any character she kills. However, the Demon and Fiend bosses are no slouches either, and by the time you get to Kefka, there's a risk that you might have exhausted your party's resources and HP or MP pools so much that the final boss is impossible. Making that walk of shame out of the dungeon is demoralizing, and it sucks needing to redo your progress a second or third time.

The Kefka battle is nothing to scoff at, either. There are more demanding final bosses in the PS1 era, and we can never forget the fucked up final bosses in the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy, but Kefka is no cakewalk. Again, I understand the intent of the battle. It's an otherworldly experience with you fighting what looks like a magical God and with Dancing Mad playing in the background; how angry can one honestly get? However, the entire sequence is another example of Squaresoft pushing the technical and cinematic envelope while also going an inch or two too far. Every stage starting with Kefka shooting off a laser beam that reduces your party to 1 HP, is a franchise trope, and I'm not too fond of it when it happens. He also has that Forsaken ability that is entirely unblockable, which is a bitter pill to swallow. Given how much work I did to prepare for the battle before starting it, Kefka's ability to negate all that prep work left a bad taste in my mouth. With that and the stage of the fight where Kefka endlessly casts Ultima and Meteor, there's no denying a level of "cheapness." It's cool looking but unneeded in what should feel like a victory lap for the player.

Oh, my god, the pressure plate shit in this level just SUCKS!
Oh, my god, the pressure plate shit in this level just SUCKS!

Kefka's Tower is also not a well-designed level. I shared a similar sentiment when discussing my struggles with the Floating Continent, but I dread whenever an 8-bit or 16-bit era JRPG thrusts you into an industrial or mechanical level. The monotonous metal scaffolding or intricate tube work makes these levels challenging to parse out for me. That's doubly so with Kefka's Tower, with a groan-inducing number of switch and level puzzles that require you to switch between your three parties. The buttons and switches you need to trigger have always been a pain in the ass to detect, and they are only marginally better in the Pixel Remaster. With random encounters to deal with, there's no more frustrating feeling than reaching a dead-end to a level, only to discover you missed a switch with a different party on a poorly sign-posted screen. That point of order leads me to the issue of the tower's scope. Kefka's Tower is twenty fully-realized screens, with each screen having three ventricles for each of your parties to explore. I recommend you have a guide on standby because every part of the level stacks the odds against you. It also does not help that should you decide to pop out of the dungeon to power grind, restock your items, or rest your characters, there is only one point in the level's mid-point where you can do that. It's fucking evil, I tell you!

Part 18: The Final Battle, Ending, And Epilogue Are Amazing

I have to give extra props to Goddess for maybe being the most annoying boss in the entire game.
I have to give extra props to Goddess for maybe being the most annoying boss in the entire game.

Shit-level design aside, the ending of Kefka's Tower and the final boss battle are both must-see moments in the annals of video game history. Your party fittingly fights Kefka in a heaven-like skyline that slowly darkens and becomes like Hell as you reach the end. I have shared this sentiment before, but it bears repeating here. In the transition from 2D to 3D, something was lost in the Final Fantasy franchise regarding boss designs. There's just something about Kefka, Exdeath, and Zeromus that look and feel more intimidating than what you see in the modern Final Fantasy titles, even with all of the graphical fidelity in the world to make the people at Digital Foundry cream their pants. Each of Kefka's forms looks and feels like you are battling a god, and their mechanical differences match their physical appearance. Compare that to the final boss in Final Fantasy XIII or Seymour in Final Fantasy X. As crazy as the final bosses get in the 16-bit era, there's a coherence to them that the current generation of games would be good to recall.

If there is one bit of historical revisionism I would like to bring up, it is the Final Fantasy community overpromising Kefka's characterization. People speak of Kefa's "Life... Dreams... Hope..." speech as if it reframes your understanding of him. In reality, supporting media and subsequent Final Fantasy works give Kefka more meaning and worth as a character. In Final Fantasy VI, he's a maniacal clown from start to finish. There's no grand meaning or purpose to why he wants to set the world on fire. He does it and revels in his newfound power. If there were a master plan with Kefka other than to use him as a plot device, there would be more to his defeat than the usual flashes of light and the characters needing to beat a hasty retreat. If you have yet to see the game's conclusion in person, you might be shocked to discover how little there is to Kefka's final moments. Nonetheless, the battle against him is a visual tour de force, and the game's epilogue is by far the best in the franchise.

Kefka wants to set shit on fire. There's nothing else to be said about him unless you play Dissidia
Kefka wants to set shit on fire. There's nothing else to be said about him unless you play Dissidia

I know some people will fight me on this point, but I'm ready for them. I know plenty of people stan the epilogue of Final Fantasy IX, but to me, that conclusion is spoiled by the stench of Necron and Kuja's redemption arc sucking complete and total shit. It's also a little too "fuzzy mittens" for my tastes. I have always been a fan of Final Fantasy XII and how it remains the only game in the series to tackle the idea of allies and friends growing apart after their proverbial "call to adventure" ends. Also, this is my big video game confession, but I don't like Final Fantasy Tactics as much as the "normal" Final Fantasy enthusiast. All of that aside, the epilogue of Final Fantasy VI is better than all of them. Every character, even the optional ones, gets their due as everyone frantically attempts to make their way out of the collapsing tower. Seeing each character help their friends during times of need shows one last time that everyone in Final Fantasy VI genuinely cares for one another. It is a satisfying end note and one that goes a miraculous twenty minutes and features a superb musical accompaniment that merges all of the character's themes into something magical.

The epilogue also does a miraculous job of wrapping up many character arcs in record time. As I mentioned, the epilogue tops out at around twenty minutes, depending on the number of characters you recruit at the World of Ruin. So, color me surprised that the game manages to cement the brotherly bond between Sabin and Edgar, finalize the relationship between Celes and Locke, give Cyan a chance to be a "modern man," and provide Terra one last humanizing moment with her long-dead father. It's a long scene that is worth every minute and one of the primary reasons why I think all players should see what the game is like with every character back in the fold. Even the couple that conceives a child at Terra's orphanage gets some time and assists in conveying the game's message that the future of Final Fantasy VI might be uncertain, but everyone is up for the challenge.

What an absolute slog of a battle, but also one of the best in the series!
What an absolute slog of a battle, but also one of the best in the series!

And there's something to the game's ending that will forever "work" for me. Unlike previous and future entries in the Final Fantasy series, there's a sense of positivity as the characters set out to "fix" the world Kefka has ruined. Still, there's also an undercurrent of melancholy. Characters recognize the world's sacrifice and give props to dead friends and family members. When Terra attempts to fly with the Falcon, she has a final moment with the Magicite form of her father, and as he congratulates her efforts, he bursts into dust. All of the Espers follow suit, and there's a brief moment when you realize that an entire half of the world of Final Fantasy VI, the Esper half, is now gone. I should also mention Shadow and how he ambiguously makes amends with his long-lost friend. Other endings in the series utilize an element of melancholy to make their final moments feel more grounded. Still, Final Fantasy VI stands in a class of its own. It's one of the few games in the series where I have no idea what would happen next, and I'm perfectly okay with that. This game should NEVER get the Final Fantasy X or IV treatment, and that's all that needs to be said.

Part 19: The Credits In The Pixel Remaster Are A Historical Travesty

Oh, fuck this!
Oh, fuck this!

Mostly, I have been upbeat about Final Fantasy VI, and in this case, the Pixel Remaster of the game. With the North American release of Final Fantasy VI exceeding its 28th anniversary at the time of the publishing of this blog, replaying the game was an enthralling trip down memory lane. While I had not played the original SNES release of the game, replaying Final Fantasy VI caused me to recall the treasure trove of similar titles I played when it took the world by storm. That nostalgia is something everyone reading this blog can understand, and it leads me to the one part of the Pixel Remaster that caused me to spiral into a frothing rage. As the game transitions from its epilogue to its final credits, you'll immediately notice that the end credits are entirely different and largely omit the staff that worked on the original release of Final Fantasy VI. This change, combined with removing the opening credits crawl at the start of the game, is particularly problematic. Hironobu Sakaguchi and Nobuo Uematsu get individual callouts near the end of the credits because, OF COURSE, THEY DO! However, unless a person working on the original is still a part of Square-Enix today, their name has been entirely removed from the record books. They get a nice "We would also like to thank all of the people who worked on Final Fantasy VI in the past!" note right before the game says "The End," but even that is entirely inadequate.

Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.

The Japanese video game industry has always had a problem with giving developers, designers, and localization teams their due. In the last Final Fantasy VI blog, someone pointed out how the erasure of the original localization team started with the PS1 port of Final Fantasy VI in Final Fantasy Anthology. I can also confirm that the since-pulled iOS/Android and original Steam release of Final Fantasy VI fails to name most of the original team that worked on the initial release. Instead, like the Pixel Remaster, it ends with a vague "thank you" to everyone who toiled away at any prior version. It is unforgivable that Hironobu Sakaguchi is the only directly credited member of Final Fantasy VI's original design and programming team in the Pixel Remaster. That's doubly so when you consider that since the initial SNES release, no subsequent releases have mentioned or directly thanked Ted Woolsey, the unforgotten figurehead that played a massive role in Final Fantasy VI's success outside of Japan. I appreciate the monumental task of keeping track of over twenty years of developmental history for the sake of staff credits most people ignore, but Square-Enix can and should do better.

People not part of the design team also deserve their flowers in the Pixel Remaster for other reasons. The clearest example has to be, as mentioned earlier, Ted Woolsey, the original English translator of Final Fantasy VI and Chrono Trigger. To say Ted Woolsey played a role in popularizing the JRPG genre outside of Japan and assisted Squaresoft in becoming a mainstay in the industry is an understatement. Ted Woolsey is why Final Fantasy VI had the international success it did when it first hit North American shelves on October 11, 1994. The SNES translation of Final Fantasy VI was not "perfect." Still, Woolsey's ability to navigate the Draconian standards of Nintendo of America while keeping the original game's spirit intact was nothing short of a miracle. Likewise, many of his creative embellishments, which some give him guff over, have stood the test of time and been canonized by Square-Enix. The original Japanese version of Kefka is a goofy jester but lacks any of the larger-than-life sensibilities that have since gone on to define him.

Also, they didn't change the font for the end game character title cards... even though they changed the font for everything else.
Also, they didn't change the font for the end game character title cards... even though they changed the font for everything else.

While TVTropes and some translation communities continue to characterize him as a dictator, with the term "Woolseyism" used as a curse word in certain circles, he is critically important to the state of the franchise. Finally, he legitimized localization as a career in the video game industry! While translation circles have existed since the dawn of time, Ted Woolsey tirelessly worked to advocate for Squaresoft and Nintendo to expand the scope and budget of their translation teams. In doing so, he helped set industry standards that are still appropriate in some areas today. Removing Woolsey from the record books is not just a blow to the series; it's a blow to the localization community and the people who work to translate media. There are no standards to ensure localization leads and directors have a fixed position in remasters or re-releases. And when I get off my soapbox about Ted Woolsey, how can I forget all of the quality assurance leads, designers, and programmers that made this game possible and are bound to be lost to time? It is depressing and a problem with no immediate industry or fan appetite to fix it.

Part 20: Why Final Fantasy VI Is STILL Required Reading & Will I Continue To Write These Blogs

What an absolute ride of a video game!
What an absolute ride of a video game!

From time to time, almost like clockwork, I am asked which game in the Final Fantasy franchise is "the best." After covering the series and its many crossovers and media tie-ins, some on the internet believe I can authoritatively speak on the series. Honestly, I'm not too fond of the question, and my answer flips between three to four games, depending on my mood. The question I find far more compelling is what titles I think any self-respecting hobbyist or appreciator of the history of video games MUST PLAY. Final Fantasy VI is the most essential game in the series for people to play. Final Fantasy I was the first; VII made the franchise an international hit; IX is a storytelling masterpiece; X moved millions of PS2s. However, to understand why Square-Enix still clutches to Final Fantasy as a tentpole franchise or why fans swoon if they see so much as a smidge of Tifa Lockhart's taint, Final Fantasy VI is your answer.

In between blogs and articles, I'm a full-time public education teacher. The concept of accepting more than one possible answer when providing a writing prompt is familiar to me. When people share what they consider "the best Final Fantasy game," I am willing to hear out a cornucopia of possible answers. You can tell me it was Final Fantasy I because it introduced you to RPGs. I will allow you to defend the job systems in III and V. I understand that IV was the first game to honestly give a shit about telling an epic story with named and relatable characters. Final Fantasy VII is a technical and directorial masterpiece that set standards for the industry and brought millions into the PlayStation ecosystem. Final Fantasy VIII is narratively and mechanically ambitious and challenges what it means to create a sequel to a beloved classic. Final Fantasy IX is the culmination of what the "old guard" pioneered up to that point and features the most complete world seen in the mainline franchise. Final Fantasy X moved away from the aging ATB system and struck an emotionally resonant tone that still holds up to this day. Final Fantasy XI has an active community that continues to persist. The society behind Final Fantasy XIV is even more impressive, with feats of communal cooperation previously unheard of in gaming accomplished daily. Final Fantasy XII sports an incredible motley crew with the best voice acting to grace a modern Square-Enix product. Tactics even deserves some recognition for codifying the conventions of a genre while also telling a complex geopolitical drama that puts current titles to shame. I have even met more than one person who said that Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII means more to them than I could ever understand and that she assisted them in identifying their current gender or orientation.

This is still maybe my favorite final shot in a Final Fantasy game.
This is still maybe my favorite final shot in a Final Fantasy game.

All of these statements are true. And the last message that I would add is that Final Fantasy VI is a "forever good game," and you owe it to yourself to see why. There's no "timeline" that we exist on where the Opera House scene is not considered a seminal work of art. Even if Final Fantasy VI is not your favorite Final Fantasy game, you need to understand how and why the parts and pieces of your favorite game come from it. If your favorite game in the series predates VI, then it is worth exploring again to understand how it represents a final capstone to the 2D era. The words "they don't make games like they used to" is a regressive sentiment in general, but it applies in this context. Final Fantasy VI includes everything that makes the series worth following in a single package. It has the prototypes of character arcs and trope representatives that persist in the series.

I started the first episode of this retrospective with a tidbit I want to repeat once more as I wrap up things. Compare, for just a minute, the release date of Final Fantasy IV to Final Fantasy X and realize they are only ten years apart. For ten years, this franchise constantly reinvented itself and set standards for everyone besides the CRPG circle and Enix. If the Final Fantasy franchise tried something different in one of their games, then there were bound to be a dozen games that followed suit. Final Fantasy VI represents the inflection point when Squaresoft, and eventually Square-Enix, very honestly ruled the world. That still applies today, but to a lesser extent.

But is it really?
But is it really?

Even then, it's crazy to see the series lurch closer to its thirty-fifth anniversary. Even as newer titles fuel the expected meme-making machines for social media, the number of people who strongly identify with characters in its many titles is far more than most are willing to admit. I've been doing these Final Fantasy retrospectives for seven years. That's an unimaginable amount of time. Unless, of course, these games meant something to me. As cheesy and wild as it might sound, I want to thank Final Fantasy VI and everyone who put blood, sweat, and tears into it. It was a game that put everything into perspective as I repeatedly struggled with writer's block and apathy over whether or not I wanted to continue to put hours into writing text the regulars on the internet may or may not read. So, thanks to Final Fantasy VI, I'm not giving up until this website tells me I must stop. However, a palate cleanser is up my alley for my next Final Fantasy series. I'm excited to announce Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII as my next topic.

Tune in NEXT TIME to find out why God needs a starship!
Tune in NEXT TIME to find out why God needs a starship!
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I Finally Checked Out The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard On PC Game Pass! (IT'S AWFUL!)

The Weirdest Elder Scrolls Game Ever Made Is On PC Game Pass! (Maybe Don't Play It!)

I know like two people are actually going to read this blog, but FUCK IT! I want to talk about this game!
I know like two people are actually going to read this blog, but FUCK IT! I want to talk about this game!

The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard has a reputation. It is widely considered one of the worst games in the series and plays almost nothing like what we all would consider the norm for the franchise today. It is the only entry in The Elder Scrolls franchise that locks players into a third-person perspective, lacks RPG leveling mechanics, and follows a single predetermined character. To call The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard a "weird" game is a bit of an understatement; it is an anomaly the likes of which we will never see again. However, it is an oddity that Bethesda Softworks is not ashamed of, and years after its release, even before the advent of Game Pass, they made it and Daggerfall downloadable on their webpage for free. However, with the company's purchase from Microsoft, the game has since become available on PC Game Pass, though unfortunately, but understandably, not for Xbox Game Pass.

Much like when I decided to check out Zelda II, I wanted to give the game a whirl as it is, ostensibly, an adventure game, which is now becoming my bread and butter on this site in between my JRPG and Final Fantasy retrospectives. After giving the game over ten hours of my life, it became a rare "DNF" for me, however, not for the reasons you might expect. Even after I bounced off the game, I came away with at least a partial appreciation for it, absent in most contemporary reviews that excoriate it for being downright terrible. To me, the game is a snapshot into that odd period before the release of The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind when Bethesda wasn't the CRPG figurehead we consider it today. The Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall was an ambitious project, but it was one with a reputation even in 1996 of being rough around the edges and not for the faint of heart. Oblivion gets some credit for partially sanding off the series's crueler sensibilities, and Skyrim is one of the most successful CRPGs ever made. Nonetheless, we should look at the OG Xbox release of Morrowind as an underrated inflection point for Bethesda and the CRPG genre. It and KOTOR paved the way for the genre's quick but substantial jump toward the console clientele until its rejuvenation with the growth of digital PC marketplaces and crowdfunding.

A fixed protagonist in a Bethesda game? SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
A fixed protagonist in a Bethesda game? SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

But what does any of that prattle have to do with The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard? As I will review shortly, Redguard should be treated as Bethesda's first olive branch to those outside PC-centric traditional CRPG circles. Even though it never launched on consoles and remained an MS-DOS exclusive until recently, upon start, you can tell Bethesda envisioned it as a "baby's first Elder Scrolls" experience. With the expected RPG leveling and character creation mechanics thrown to the wayside, it plays much like the late 90s PC platformers that were all the rage at the time of its release. People often forget this point, but the original Tomb Raider is one of the most important games ever made. It codified many of the design and control conventions of 3D action-adventure platforming that we take for granted today. Also, it spawned an INSANE number of copycats, and Redguard, in parts, is one of them. This matter leads me to my first discussion point.

The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard Is An Understandable Experiment And Should Be Approached As Such

It wasn't exactly a looker at the time of its release.
It wasn't exactly a looker at the time of its release.

Before we delve into Redguard's Tomb Raider-inspired design, I need to spend some time articulating why the game, despite its first appearances, represented a massive risk on the part of Bethesda. Redguard is not something I recommend unless you are an incredibly dedicated Elder Scrolls fan or gaming historian. Nonetheless, it is highly ambitious. For one thing, the game features a complex scripted mission structure with a character-focused storyline. That's something you are not bound to experience in an Elder Scrolls game today. I also found it interesting seeing Todd Howard and the rest of the old guard at Bethesda try their hands at a traditional fantasy narrative. Correspondingly, to make the predetermined characters resonate better with players, Redguard is fully voice-acted from start to finish, and it was the first game in the series to do that. I'm not going to sit here and tell you the voice acting is perfect, but it generally gets the job done. When the voice acting errs on the questionable side, which usually occurs when it is time for female characters to talk, which I suspect were male actors pretending to be females, it is "of an era" rather than a complete and total failure.

I'm getting ahead of myself, but this inventory screen makes me so mad looking at it.
I'm getting ahead of myself, but this inventory screen makes me so mad looking at it.

On a similar note is the game's massive 3D open world. In terms of scope and size, Redguard's world pales compared to Daggerfall or Morrowind. Still, when you consider the design objectives of Redguard, I think you can come to appreciate it as a technical accomplishment. Every explorable environment has a smattering of characters with at least ten to twenty minutes of fully voice-acted dialogue. The characters even flap their lips in synch with the spoken dialogue, which is not something everyone had the time or patience to do in 1998 or with MS-DOS. These technical achievements are why you might be surprised to know that Redguard was reviewed relatively well at its release. Its production values were enough to tilt some to give it the benefit of the doubt. However, the game bit off more than what Bethesda was capable of chewing at the time. With Redguard spending so much time vocalizing wordy lore while trying to convey a cohesive narrative, its gameplay feels like an afterthought. In fact, its slapdash attempt to copy Tomb Raider feels all the more "off" because its action set pieces feel so rote and by the numbers. Also, I will discuss this point in more depth, but it plays like absolute garbage. Tomb Raider's gameplay, wherein players navigate levels split into room complexes with a kaleidoscope of designs and challenges, is fluid and quick. Redguard is the opposite of those two words.

Unfortunately, Bethesda was out of its element when they were making Redguard. Whenever you need to transition Cyrus, the game's protagonist, from one quest to the next, instead of emulating the snappiness of Tomb Raider and immediately transitioning the player to a new environment, Redguard prefers to have them wander deserts, sparsely populated towns, and vast distances for unmarked NPCs. That design might work in the scope of a CRPG where players already assume they need to explore their surroundings for hints, but with something that is trying to be an action-platformer, it presents the sometimes shoddy patchwork of the game. Bethesda's lack of experience with platformers resulted in scenarios wherein they did not know what to do and them defaulting to 90s-era CRPG conventions. So, when the game presents you with saw-filled or lava-drenched platforming arenas that feel ripped from Tomb Raider or Prince of Persia, Redguard is downright excruciating to play because it has the mechanical deathtraps of early 90s platformers but with the added anti-player rough edges of a CRPG as well.

It's A Semi-Decent Lore Bible

Seeing fully functioning Dwemer technology is pretty fucking cool.
Seeing fully functioning Dwemer technology is pretty fucking cool.

Here's where I will significantly diverge from the consensus on Redguard. Many of the negative reviews for the game, which I agree with overall, cite the overwhelming amount of talking as a significant barrier to it being an entry point to the series. To the credit of these reviews, they are correct in one regard. When you first boot up the game, there's an initial fight scene on a boat, but it's quick, and if the player explores all of the possible dialogue trees that exist after it, talking could represent most of your first three hours with the game. I reviewed the archive of my first stream of the game's opening, and I would hazard to say that fighting random pirates in the starting bar and hub world took about twenty minutes of my two-and-a-half-hour stream. That might sound odd to some people, but with the combat being the same shit, over and over again, I came to find the lore dumps in Redguard to be a welcomed change of pace.

I'm going to let you in on a weird fact about my relationship with the Elder Scrolls franchise. I enjoy reading the in-game books in every Elder Scrolls game. Whether it is learning about the failed invasion of Akavir in Oblivion, Palla in Morrowind, or consulting the Lusty Argonian Maid or A Game at Dinner books; I think the amount of worldbuilding the series has accomplished through its in-game books is nothing short of amazing. The majority are well-written and have vivid personalities and voices that exude far more charm than many of the characters you meet in the game. They also do a lot to fill in the gaps regarding time skips or jumps from one game to the next. If you're like me, and you spent HOURS scouring Oblivion or Skyrim, buying every possible book you could and reading them from page to page, there's a core to Redguard that's not a terrible value proposition. The game takes place in Hammerfell, a criminally underrated setting, and tackles a period in the franchise that I found conceptually and literally compelling (i.e., the Second Era). Seeing Hammerfell under a recently established Imperial occupation, with citizens split on if being a part of the Empire is an improvement, sets a lot of the foundational work Bethesda would later explore in more depth in Oblivion and Skyrim. Redguard also showcases a low-tech version of The Elder Scrolls universe most are unfamiliar with unless you play The Elder Scrolls Online.

The game's initial exploratory moments in Stros M'Kai were among my favorite of what I played. The vast majority of the NPCs have folktales, parables, and unique perspectives about what's happening, and they all share a different part of the history of Tamriel up to that point. When Cyrus meets up with an old friend, they croon about battles they fought, speculate on geopolitics, and shit-talk the crime boss currently employing your character. It's far from perfect, with the vast delta in the quality of the voice acting being a constant issue. Likewise, the game's "proper noun problem" leads to much of its lore dumps being overwhelming even to fans of the series. However, it's an incredibly earnest game, and I get the sense that Bethesda was so excited about sharing the world of The Elder Scrolls with newcomers that they couldn't stop themselves from putting everything they accomplished in the series up to that point. In Stros M'Kai, an NPC talks about the sinking of Yokuda for forty minutes and another about Dwemer technology for thirty. There's even a guy who will speak about the Imperial Battlespire for twenty minutes while loudly wondering about the state of the Ayleids. The game leaves no stone unturned, and its nerdy effervescence is admirable. Now, if only the game were fun to play.

Redguard Is No Goddamn Fun To Play!

THE WORST SHIT!
THE WORST SHIT!

Oh, fuck me. I WISH for a universe where I could genuinely pen an essay on why this game is an "over-hated" buried treasure. I went into the game with low expectations, and while I found it technically and narratively impressive, I cannot advise anyone to play it. As I detailed in the first section, the game borrows heavily from Tomb Raider. Unfortunately, with Bethesda lacking any design or programming chops regarding platforming games, their attempt to graft their CRPG controls and engine to a genre where you cannot do that is an unmitigated disaster. Imagine playing a third-person action-platformer with the jump in Oblivion or Skyrim. Now imagine playing that game for fifteen to twenty hours with Prince of Persia-styled lava rooms that kill you immediately if you mistime a single jump. And this game being "of an era" means if you are not speedy with your quick saving abilities, dying can cause you to lose hours of progress because the checkpointing is NONEXISTENT!

Bethesda games have had a floaty-ass jump since their inception, and it's FINE in open-world CRPGs where you can use it to get into out-of-bounds areas or summit mountains. However, with Redguard expecting a certain amount of precision, IT'S NOT GOOD! One of the game's first "real" quests involves you hopping over platforms on a bridge, and as you walk along it, beams fall, causing you to need to leap over gaps. There's no easy way for me to express how fucking awful it felt trying to accomplish this simple feat, and it is made even worse thanks to the bridge hovering over a shark-infested ocean. And before you ask, the sharks will eat you, resulting in a "Game Over." Later in a cemetery, Cyrus will need to climb and leap around a giant stone statue and let me tell you, getting Cyrus to attach his hands to ledges is one of the most frustrating things in the world. His animation is incredibly jerky, and he puts his hands up on the ass-end of his parabolic jump. There were times when I thought he would die, only to see him miraculously cling to a ledge I did not even realize existed. There were other times when he bumped up against the edge of a platform and did not bother to throw his hands in the air, and I was forced to watch him scream in agony as he fell into a pit of spikes.

I wish I could properly express how angry this screenshot makes me feel.
I wish I could properly express how angry this screenshot makes me feel.

Even more curious are the mechanics Redgaurd lacks when you compare it to other games in the series. The game has a third-person combat engine, but with no stats to plug into Cryus or upgradable equipment to purchase, what you see at the start of the game is what you get in its final hours. That's a real problem for several reasons. While the enemies he fights begin to don impressive armor and require more strategy to defeat, Cyrus is stuck with the same paltry HP bar from start to finish. Another source of frustration stems from Cyrus being a single person, but he can wrack up more than one foe, and if he gets surrounded, you're essentially fucked. There's a way for you to spam pokes and slashes while also parrying and dodging attacks, but after a certain point, people take fucking FOREVER to die because you are stuck with the same shitty sword. However, Cyrus goes down much as he did at the game's start, which feels incredibly unfair to the player. And with Redgaurd sporting a relatively large open world packed to the gills with horrible monsters that can murder you, the lack of any character progression makes its end-game nigh unplayable for me.

Speaking of that open world, it isn't very good! Like all Elder Scrolls games, there's real-time travel where you must walk vast distances to get to the game's many set pieces. That's a tired and true format for RPGs, but in something trying to copy Tomb Raider, it pulverizes the blow-for-blow pacing expected in an action platformer. The quest design also employs the open format of previous and subsequent Elder Scrolls games to hilarious results. You can do missions out of order, meaning some difficult late-game quests can be completed before early-game ones. In my case, what caused me to rage quit involved accidentally exploring a late-game area and not knowing it, getting my ass handed to myself, and lacking enough money to get my health back to parity. This issue leads me to my final quibble with the game. There are ways for you to get into unfixable death spirals, and Redguard knows this. Instead, it employs ye olde CRPG trope of expecting the player to "re-roll" and try again from scratch when they get into sticky situations, which is beyond fucked even if that was all the norm with previous games from Bethesda.

This Game Reminded Me of Why I'd Like The Elder Scrolls VI Explore The Past

It's now time for me to jump on the Shit on Bethesda for clicks bandwagon.
It's now time for me to jump on the Shit on Bethesda for clicks bandwagon.

If there's one last positive takeaway I'd like to make of Redguard, it has to be its setting. Exploring a version of the "Second Era" in the scope of a single-player experience is such an incredible idea to me. The times when Redguard revels in more fanciful magic or traditional high-fantasy themes were my favorite moments. There's a scene wherein you enter a Dwemer observatory and look at a complex, Steampunk-like moving gadget, and it is visually and thematically impressive. I miss the times you could play an Elder Scrolls game and expect to see goblins, trolls, fairies, and other "funner" fantasy icons. With Skyrim, the series has moved in such a dire and realistic direction that I found the sillier sensibilities of Redguard refreshing. Remember when Elder Scrolls games had unicorns or octopus monsters? Redguard's fast travel system involves Cyrus transforming into a parrot to fly to alternate locations, and it is the funniest shit!

With The Elder Scrolls VI likely years away, I cannot help but lament that I can close my eyes and imagine almost perfectly what it will look like and how it will play. It will have a bunch of hyper-realistic Creation Engine humanoids that err freakishly close to the "Uncanny Valley" with dead eyes and poorly animating faces. You're going to swing your sword at a bandit's face, and the only feedback you will get are grunts. The balls of fire you summon out of your hands will look even more like real fire than they did in Skyrim. And you know what? It all sounds incredibly generic to me in a post-HBO Game of Thrones world. Even in Skyrim, I felt like a significant disconnect existed between you spewing streams of magical energy from your body and the game's unflinching grim-dark seriousness. You still have Sheogorath or Cicero in Skyrim, keeping the goofier roots of the series alive, but those are outliers. Honestly, I don't see the appeal in swinging the pendulum toward Game of Thrones in the world of The Elder Scrolls. You'd think things would be more comedic or silly in a game with cat people and lizards.

I don't think going backward in time will fix all those problems, but I sure don't think it would hurt. Bethesda has been about technical ambition and scope first and storytelling second for a while. Nonetheless, I think there's untapped potential in seeing how they would approach the narrative foundation they set for their tentpole franchise twenty years ago. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. I'd be curious to see what goblins and unicorns would look like in the hands of modern Bethesda. Before anyone chimes in about The Elder Scrolls Online taking place in the Second Era, I want to remind you of my emphasis on "single-player experiences." However, that game has giant toad-like Sloads spewing vomitous acid on players as they try to bring down criminal syndicates, and if that was included in a mainline Elder Scrolls game today, I say, "Sign me the fuck up!" That's the kind of dumb but great fanservice I feel is only possible if the series revisits its past. And if Bethesda has no interest in doing that with The Elder Scrolls VI, maybe it is time to revive the "Adventures" spin-offs.

Also, here's a link to the first episode of my mini video series of me attempting to play this game:

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