Ok here goes:
I have been watching these guys since the Gamespot days and have aged along with them. I am 31 myself and consider the GB crew to be kinda the voice of my generation even though they are a few years older. I have watched and listened and over the last year or so my thoughts changed. Maybe because my mother passed away a year ago in May, but nonetheless my thoughts occurred to me and often regarding the health and well being of all here. I am getting older, there is no way around it and things that would take hours to get hour now take days. Taking this into account I have been watching Ryan over the last year and thinking, 'He is sweating a lot." My wife is an RN and we often quiz each other on medical terminology and ideas. So when I see an overweight man sitting and sweating and my age creeping up behind I think things. But i pushed them away because who the hell am I.
Am I this arrogant, this selfish to think that I matter here at all? Should I have said something to someone, maybe anyone. I dont matter, he was a man and was in control of his life surely. Could I have made a difference if i had reached out and said you should visit a Dr., please. But what an arrogant idiot I am for of course he knew he sweated and he saw Dr.'s. He missed a bunch of time this year and we say he had the CPAP mask and what the hell do I know anyway. But i still had nightmares and awful thoughts and regret about not saying anything to anyone. I wish i could have made a difference, i wish i could have sent fruit to their offices instead of watching videos of people sending them candy.
One day I load up my Andriod GB app and l see the news. I cant even open it now. I cant even look at it. Its a punch in the gut, and I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THE MAN. I dont beleieve it. I cant imagine the anger and sadness and tornado or fiery emotions the guys and his wife feel. I understood when my mom passed last year. The cancer was eating her from the inside and it was blessing when she passed as we could not bear her suffering and neither could she. But Ryan, we were not done with you yet, and no one was suffering. Until now.
This isnt real, just some nightmare or an Andy Kaufman bit taken to the exterme. It isnt real. I cant think the thoughts of all the sadness without wanting to individually hug everyone and tell them I am their friend and they are mine. What incredible loss. I am so sorry.
In Ryan's honor I will try and be better at everything, finish writing this stupid book, be a better father, be a better husband. Be a better witty human with compassion and a smile.
We were lucky.
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