Disclaimer: The following is a 'stream of consciousness' piece. No pausing, no edits, no intended structure. Naturally there will be some typo's and poor grammar. But I believe exploring exactly why SOMA had an intense impact on me in this way will be far more revealing, both for myself, and for the reader. Thank you for reading, I went to some places below I did not intend to go when I started writing. But it is what it is. On that note, let's begin.
*SPOILERS THROUGHOUT*
I didn't finish SOMA in one sitting. I tried, but got stuck in the first outdoor section thinking there was some puzzle that I was missing involving getting the evil robot you pass to crash into a window somewhere. (no i don't know why I thought that either. It was late.) I returned a few weeks later remembering I never finished it and quickly realized I just missed a path that lead to an open door. That was dumb. But I didn't stop from then until credits. I knew I would like SOMA before I had even played it. Im a huge fan of the Amnesia games, and the new setting Frictional was working with sounded really intriguing to me. I was mostly just pushing through it to completion before the Game of the Year podcasts began to avoid spoilers. I really enjoyed the atmosphere, and the story had me intrigued even though I had no idea what was going on. I pushed through hallways, vents, more outdoor sections, just trying to finish the game. Along the way I started to piece together what the game was actually about. I my mental state started to shift.
Now let me back up. Im 25 years old, and for the last 5 years I've struggled with depression. It started out small, I didn't even label it as depression for a year or two because it didn't feel like anything unique to the human experience. I just thought I was dealing with life the way everyone did. Then one day I started talking about death and joking around and the whole room went silent and a friend of mine later on that night started asking me if I'm okay or wanted to talk. I just laughed and moved on. I never really thought about suicide but the idea of dying wasn't one I shied away from exactly. For example, at that time I would never kill myself, but if a friend of mine needed a transplant that only I could provide and that transplant would kill me, I wouldn't be all that upset. Does that make sense? I don't know maybe not. But it made sense to me. As the months and years went on I noticed my mental state starting to deteriorate. I don't need to go into extreme detail, but a few years later in September '14 I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed suddenly realizing what the bottle of pills in my hand was intended to do. Obviously I didn't go through with it that night, but I knew I needed to make some changes. Later that month I stopped all animal and alcohol consumption (XVX) in an effort to prove to myself that I can still do something completely selfless. A few months passed and I added regular exercise and proper nutrition (yes you can be VERY unhealthy and still be vegan. Its really not that hard.) to my life. All those things didn't cure my head, but they helped me find some pleasure in being alive, albeit in short bursts. I thought I was out of the place I was in last September. A few months ago I noticed my head starting to shift back to where it had been in years past. Shifted closer, then closer, then eventually eclipsed it entirely to where I started planning out my suicide once again and with a much stronger resolve. I stopped bodybuilding and started drinking again. Not heavily, I never get drunk, but still. On one of those nights I decided to go back to SOMA.
The first time I encountered the ARK questionnaire I answered how I felt in that moment. Yes I think living in the ARK will be without purpose. Yes I think it will be detached from my human existence. Yes I'd rather end it all then live on in the ARK. It was a nice aside to flesh out the world and I moved on. When you transfer into the better robot in order to dive deeper I must have stared at my old body for a good 10 plus minutes. This wave of confusion and panic rolled over me as I realized what had just happened. Even right now I cant fully enunciate what I was feeling in that moment. It was special. I had a moment where I FELT something. Something intense, in a way I hadn't felt in a long time.
I moved forward.
After the credits, when you're in the ARK you are presented once again with the questionnaire. It took me 30 minutes to finish answering because I realized all my answers had changed. Even knowing this wasnt my real body, everything around me was a simulation, I still felt like Simon could find some level of happiness in life in this environment. Walk forward, Kate, black.
I turned off the tv. Sat back on the couch. And cried.
In those few hours SOMA had changed my entire perspective on life. I'm not any happier, I still feel suicidal at times, but the fact that I get to EXPERIENCE depression, suicidal thoughts, intense loneliness and fear, is special. I FEEL depression. I might not feel much else. But I still FEEL. The fact that I get the privilege to live, despite all the hell that comes with it, is enough. SOMA did that.
I understand my reaction to this game and this fiction is disproportionate. I understand SOMA was not the only thing I could have collided with that would have affected me in this way. But it did, and I did. Until the day I die I will forever be grateful to Frictional, and thanks to SOMA, that day is now a much longer way off.
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