The Death of a Video Game Benchmark

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Edited By Jeff  Staff

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

No Caption Provided

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

No Caption Provided

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

No Caption Provided
No Caption Provided

Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

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Jeff

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#1  Edited By Jeff  Staff

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

No Caption Provided

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

No Caption Provided

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

No Caption Provided
No Caption Provided

Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

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Oscar__Explosion

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#2  Edited By Oscar__Explosion

the hell?

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5eNintendan

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#3  Edited By 5eNintendan

Was so damn close

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alexpiercey

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#4  Edited By alexpiercey

Poor Jeff.

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MaxxS

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#5  Edited By MaxxS

Triple H has no concept of the weight of his crimes, does he?

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MooseyMcMan

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#6  Edited By MooseyMcMan

Madness!

Just use "Classic Triple H." In the games, I mean. Retro costumes.

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Heti

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#7  Edited By Heti

This is going to blur the line between the console generations even more!!

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Brother_PipPop

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#8  Edited By Brother_PipPop

Godbless you gerts man.

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NoobSauceG7

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#9  Edited By NoobSauceG7

WHAT THE FUCK!

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hockeymask27

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#10  Edited By hockeymask27

Best Article ever!

RIP HHH's Hair

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Schatzy23

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#11  Edited By Schatzy23

sad face

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MeatSim

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#12  Edited By MeatSim

We are incapable of telling if graphics have improved now.

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thirteenyahs

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#13  Edited By thirteenyahs

September 5th, 2012. Worst day in history.

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deactivated-5d61ff6f14b61

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Goddamn, I love me some Botchamania.

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Oldirtybearon

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#15  Edited By Oldirtybearon

Sometimes Jeff just hits it out of the park.

God bless Gerstmann.

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jmfinamore

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#16  Edited By jmfinamore

Probably the best and worst news story ever posted on the site.

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Musubi

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#17  Edited By Musubi

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

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#18  Edited By kishinfoulux

LMAO

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Shinmaru007

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#19  Edited By Shinmaru007

I would like to buy Triple H's hair.

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LadyShayne

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#20  Edited By LadyShayne

He doesn't even look like Triple H in that first pic. The haircut paired with the suit seems...lawyer worthy. A sad day indeed.

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#21  Edited By SlightConfuse

End of an era

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TruthTellah

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#22  Edited By TruthTellah

I have suddenly lost all perspective on the world around me.

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#23  Edited By GigaMunch

How will we know if the Durango is superior now!?

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Catarrhal

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#24  Edited By Catarrhal

Damn you, Paul Levesque! Damn you!

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InternetDotCom

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#25  Edited By InternetDotCom

Wrestling ponytails are on their death bed, Paul Heyman is clinging to an era.

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boomsnapclap113

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#26  Edited By boomsnapclap113

Jeff, you are truly a comedic genius.

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kentobi

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#27  Edited By kentobi

THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

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#28  Edited By stalefishies

But WWE13 including not one, not two, but three Triple H variants means that long-haired Triple H can live on in the medium of people wishing it was still the Attitude era, and so, assuming this ideology continues, a lack of long-haired Triple H could well not be a problem. Basically, this article is poorly researched, and is indicative of the embarrassingly poor quality of video game journalism, and you should feel ashamed of yourself for this blatant fishing for article hits.
 
Also Triple H looks fucking stupid with short hair.

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deactivated-5b1b0a3fa1333

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Jeff this is one of the many reasons why I like your style.

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#30  Edited By brandino

@Demoskinos said:

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

This is easily my favorite article on any game site. I have ALWAYS judged tech and especially the quality of a wrestling game from his hair. RIP HHH's hair.

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Brisaac

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#31  Edited By Brisaac

Top rated journalism.

But no, seriously, in game hair sucks. I can't think of a single game that does it right.

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#32  Edited By LiK

ROFL

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cooljammer00

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#33  Edited By cooljammer00

I think he was the last one, right? Jericho, Edge, Christian...I can't think of anyone else, and I'm ignoring DX/NWO nonsense.

Also, TMZ...that's not really "shaving his head". He just cut it short.

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BelligerentEngine

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Calm down Jeff, Hunter has done this before, he shaved his head at the 2010 tribute to the troops. I assume the pure golden locks were melted down and donated to a venterancy fund of some kind.

Point is... It'll grow back like before.

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Milkman

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#35  Edited By Milkman

Thank You Hunter *clap clap clapclapclap* Thank You Hunter

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ValiantGoat

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#36  Edited By ValiantGoat

The end of an era.

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csl316

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#37  Edited By csl316  Online

DAMMIT

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ragbag

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#38  Edited By ragbag

LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE

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ShadowConqueror

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#39  Edited By ShadowConqueror

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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nohthink

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#40  Edited By nohthink

LOL I like how this is an article 

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#41  Edited By giant_frying_pan

Didn't even lay it down in a hair match. No sense for the business!

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CptMorganCA

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#42  Edited By CptMorganCA

@Brisaac said:

Top rated journalism. But no, seriously, in game hair sucks. I can't think of a single game that does it right.

Alice: Madness Returns comes to mind, but I can't think of any "realistic" game with good hair.

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MikeGosot

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#43  Edited By MikeGosot
@MooseyMcMan said:

Madness!

Just use "Classic Triple H." In the games, I mean. Retro costumes.

That's not needed. Now, the new Triple H won't be in games, just the old one. The REAL one.
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Bourbon_Warrior

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#44  Edited By Bourbon_Warrior

more of this please

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Nytrik

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#45  Edited By Nytrik

I love this website so goddamn much.

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WJist

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#46  Edited By WJist

THANKS OBAMA

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#47  Edited By LostFlock

Wrestlemania 2000, good times...

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#48  Edited By laserbolts

This is a sad day in sports entertainment.

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#49  Edited By JoeyRavn

So... "Triple H's mane" confirmed as a card for the Giant Bomb Edition of Cards Against Humanity?

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Scratch

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#50  Edited By Scratch

Never seen a botchamania video before. Man.

This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

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