The Death of a Video Game Benchmark

Avatar image for jeff
Posted by Jeff (5578 posts) -

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

No Caption Provided

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

No Caption Provided

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

No Caption Provided
No Caption Provided

Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

Staff
Avatar image for jeff
#1 Posted by Jeff (5578 posts) -

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

No Caption Provided

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

No Caption Provided

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

No Caption Provided
No Caption Provided

Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?
Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

Loading Video...
Staff
Avatar image for oscar__explosion
#2 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2951 posts) -

the hell?

Avatar image for 5enintendan
#3 Posted by 5eNintendan (68 posts) -

Was so damn close

Avatar image for sgtpierceface
#4 Posted by Sgtpierceface (735 posts) -

Poor Jeff.

Avatar image for maxxs
#5 Posted by MaxxS (210 posts) -

Triple H has no concept of the weight of his crimes, does he?

Avatar image for mooseymcman
#6 Edited by MooseyMcMan (12540 posts) -

Madness!

Just use "Classic Triple H." In the games, I mean. Retro costumes.

Avatar image for heti
#7 Posted by Heti (58 posts) -

This is going to blur the line between the console generations even more!!

Avatar image for brother_pippop
#8 Posted by Brother_PipPop (284 posts) -

Godbless you gerts man.

Avatar image for noobsauceg7
#9 Posted by NoobSauceG7 (1387 posts) -

WHAT THE FUCK!

Avatar image for hockeymask27
#10 Posted by hockeymask27 (3696 posts) -

Best Article ever!

RIP HHH's Hair

Loading Video...
Avatar image for schatzy23
#11 Posted by Schatzy23 (194 posts) -

sad face

Avatar image for meatsim
#12 Posted by MeatSim (11140 posts) -

We are incapable of telling if graphics have improved now.

Avatar image for thirteenyahs
#13 Posted by thirteenyahs (132 posts) -

September 5th, 2012. Worst day in history.

Avatar image for magusmaleficus
#14 Posted by MagusMaleficus (1152 posts) -

Goddamn, I love me some Botchamania.

Avatar image for oldirtybearon
#15 Posted by Oldirtybearon (5626 posts) -

Sometimes Jeff just hits it out of the park.

God bless Gerstmann.

Avatar image for jmfinamore
#16 Posted by jmfinamore (1092 posts) -

Probably the best and worst news story ever posted on the site.

Avatar image for demoskinos
#17 Posted by Demoskinos (17325 posts) -

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

Avatar image for kishinfoulux
#18 Posted by kishinfoulux (3243 posts) -

LMAO

Avatar image for shinmaru007
#19 Posted by Shinmaru007 (429 posts) -

I would like to buy Triple H's hair.

Avatar image for ladyshayne
#20 Posted by LadyShayne (159 posts) -

He doesn't even look like Triple H in that first pic. The haircut paired with the suit seems...lawyer worthy. A sad day indeed.

Avatar image for slightconfuse
#21 Posted by SlightConfuse (3996 posts) -

End of an era

Avatar image for truthtellah
#22 Posted by TruthTellah (9809 posts) -

I have suddenly lost all perspective on the world around me.

Avatar image for gigamunch
#23 Posted by GigaMunch (117 posts) -

How will we know if the Durango is superior now!?

Avatar image for catarrhal
#24 Posted by Catarrhal (874 posts) -

Damn you, Paul Levesque! Damn you!

Avatar image for internetdotcom
#25 Posted by InternetDotCom (3388 posts) -

Wrestling ponytails are on their death bed, Paul Heyman is clinging to an era.

Avatar image for boomsnapclap113
#26 Posted by boomsnapclap113 (209 posts) -

Jeff, you are truly a comedic genius.

Avatar image for kentobi
#27 Posted by Kentobi (107 posts) -

THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

Avatar image for stalefishies
#28 Posted by stalefishies (411 posts) -

But WWE13 including not one, not two, but three Triple H variants means that long-haired Triple H can live on in the medium of people wishing it was still the Attitude era, and so, assuming this ideology continues, a lack of long-haired Triple H could well not be a problem. Basically, this article is poorly researched, and is indicative of the embarrassingly poor quality of video game journalism, and you should feel ashamed of yourself for this blatant fishing for article hits.
 
Also Triple H looks fucking stupid with short hair.

Avatar image for gaspar
#29 Posted by Gaspar (74 posts) -

Jeff this is one of the many reasons why I like your style.

Avatar image for brandino
#30 Posted by Brandino (273 posts) -

@Demoskinos said:

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

This is easily my favorite article on any game site. I have ALWAYS judged tech and especially the quality of a wrestling game from his hair. RIP HHH's hair.

Avatar image for brisaac
#31 Posted by Brisaac (33 posts) -

Top rated journalism.

But no, seriously, in game hair sucks. I can't think of a single game that does it right.

Avatar image for lik
#32 Posted by LiK (1145 posts) -

ROFL

Avatar image for cooljammer00
#33 Posted by cooljammer00 (2889 posts) -

I think he was the last one, right? Jericho, Edge, Christian...I can't think of anyone else, and I'm ignoring DX/NWO nonsense.

Also, TMZ...that's not really "shaving his head". He just cut it short.

Avatar image for belligerentengine
#34 Edited by BelligerentEngine (354 posts) -

Calm down Jeff, Hunter has done this before, he shaved his head at the 2010 tribute to the troops. I assume the pure golden locks were melted down and donated to a venterancy fund of some kind.

Point is... It'll grow back like before.

Avatar image for milkman
#35 Posted by Milkman (18913 posts) -

Thank You Hunter *clap clap clapclapclap* Thank You Hunter

Avatar image for valiantgoat
#36 Posted by ValiantGoat (407 posts) -

The end of an era.

Avatar image for csl316
#37 Posted by csl316 (13917 posts) -

DAMMIT

Online
Avatar image for ragbag
#38 Posted by ragbag (52 posts) -

LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE

Avatar image for shadowconqueror
#39 Posted by ShadowConqueror (3413 posts) -

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Avatar image for nohthink
#40 Posted by nohthink (1369 posts) -

LOL I like how this is an article 

Avatar image for giant_frying_pan
#41 Posted by giant_frying_pan (91 posts) -

Didn't even lay it down in a hair match. No sense for the business!

Avatar image for cptmorganca
#42 Posted by CptMorganCA (234 posts) -

@Brisaac said:

Top rated journalism. But no, seriously, in game hair sucks. I can't think of a single game that does it right.

Alice: Madness Returns comes to mind, but I can't think of any "realistic" game with good hair.

Avatar image for mikegosot
#43 Posted by MikeGosot (3237 posts) -
@MooseyMcMan said:

Madness!

Just use "Classic Triple H." In the games, I mean. Retro costumes.

That's not needed. Now, the new Triple H won't be in games, just the old one. The REAL one.
Avatar image for bourbon_warrior
#44 Posted by Bourbon_Warrior (4569 posts) -

more of this please

Avatar image for nytrik
#45 Posted by Nytrik (171 posts) -

I love this website so goddamn much.

Avatar image for wjist
#46 Posted by WJist (330 posts) -

THANKS OBAMA

Avatar image for lostflock
#47 Posted by LostFlock (178 posts) -

Wrestlemania 2000, good times...

Avatar image for laserbolts
#48 Posted by laserbolts (5506 posts) -

This is a sad day in sports entertainment.

Avatar image for joey_ravn
#49 Posted by JoeyRavn (5218 posts) -

So... "Triple H's mane" confirmed as a card for the Giant Bomb Edition of Cards Against Humanity?

Avatar image for scratch
#50 Posted by Scratch (647 posts) -

Never seen a botchamania video before. Man.

This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

Beware, you are proposing to add brand new pages to the wiki along with your edits. Make sure this is what you intended. This will likely increase the time it takes for your changes to go live.

Comment and Save

Until you earn 1000 points all your submissions need to be vetted by other Giant Bomb users. This process takes no more than a few hours and we'll send you an email once approved.