Two Crude Dudes

Story-

In the incomprehensible future of 2010, a nuclear explosion in New York City has decimated the entire metropolitan area leaving it in a pile of rubble. 20 years later, the cities already near-futile rebuilding efforts were interrupted by an organization of mullet-haired henchmen and mutant freaks armed with never before seen technology known as "Big Valley". Retaliating in kind, the government decides to hire a couple of mercenaries known as Two Crude Dudes to go in and take care of everything (of course instead of sending in the military) promising to pay them both handsomely upon the removal of this destructive terrorist group.

Overview-

Two Crude Dudes is a side-scrolling beat em' up designed for 1 or 2 players where you take control of one of the titular heroes and continuously bash your way through Big Valley's army of thugs until you reach their leader (the mad scientist). Attack options for the dudes include the obvious punching and kicking but you can also grab and throw many objects found throughout the world such as rocks, signs, cars and even your fellow crude brother (if playing multiplayer). Additionally, vendor machines can be found at different times throughout your journey and struck to release individual cans of soda which replenishes health and gives extra points.

There are 6 stages in total with each one consisting of groups of enemies assaulting the player(s) who must be defeated in order to progress from the beginning of the level to the end. Most of these adversaries are simple henchmen but there are also mini-bosses as well as a main boss that must be defeated once you reach the conclusion of the level that you're currently on. The game's difficulty can be adjusted to one of three options for adaptability purposes with harder settings increasing the amount of opponents that you'll face at a given time. Melee your way through Big Valley's motley crew of radioactive thugs and defeat the mad scientist in the last encounter to complete the game.

Critical Analysis-

• Gameplay: 3/5 (Meh)
  Two Crude Dudes does what it can to stand out from the pack but ultimately comes up short in the gameplay department. The flow is stunted with a lack of creativity and character moves compared to other beat em' ups which leads to a feeling of monotony rather quickly. Luckily, it has co-op support which raises its value while also being simple enough to be played on auto-pilot making it a breeze for anyone to jump right in and start bashing heads though don't expect to want to stay TOO long.
• Controls: 2/5 (I don't like it)
  Definitely not a fan of the controls here. While they are serviceable enough (I guess), they're just not forgivable in relation to how your character moves which is obviously extremely important within a brawler game that values simplicity. Slow muscle-bound mongoloids seem like cool characters for a beat em' up on paper but I'll take the more nimble agility from the Lee brothers or Ninja Turtles any day!
• Music/Sound: 4/5 (I like it)
  Despite the soundtrack's odd cadence and the practically non-existent effects, ultimately I can't help but like the twangy music that fills your ears while your chucking cars at Big Valley's goons. Certain Genesis games just massage my brain with that kick-ass "fuzzy electronic static sound" and this is definitely one of them. I have to say if I'm ever wandering around a broken city inhabited by blue dobermans, ape-men and mad bombers, this is definitely the kind of soundtrack that will be playing in my head as I clobber my way to a giant cash payday!
• Graphics: 3/5 (Meh)
  While there is certainly some aspects of the visual department that I would consider memorable, at the end of the day I can't muster a higher rating as there seems to be just as many that are forgettable. The sprite designs are unique as hell and easily my favorite thing about the graphics but the color is mostly blah, the animations redundant and the stages lacking in creativity (even with all of the dumb graffiti and hot dog signs around). Gotta mention the rad as hell New York City landscape that adorn many of these levels as they instantly put my mind into "sci-fi mode" which certainly eases your transition from reality to Crudeville.
• 'Tude Meter: MAXIMUM (Coolness guaranteed)
  If there's one category where Two Crude Dudes makes The 'Tude Dude happy it's this one. I mean your goal is to beat the ever-living crap out of a ton of mad scientist experiments, punch tank with your fists, hurl large objects at SUSPECTING foes, umm you punch tanks with your fists, its got a cool and interesting premise, err... punch tanks with your fis... no seriously, YOU LITERALLY GET IN A FISTFIGHT WITH A TANK ! Yeah you can like pick it up and everything which I have to admit makes me feel an entire smidgen better about mankind as a whole.

Final Verdict: 3/5 (Average game)

GEEZ what an odd game! Two Crude Dudes is without question pure honest-to-goodness meh showcasing unremarkable metrics in nearly every category of conventional criticism while avoiding the bottom of the toxic waste barrel with its 'tudey design and co-op support putting it somewhere in the mediocre middle. It's a second-rate beat em' up overall when compared to many of its contemporaries but it's just unique enough to recommend for unintentional comedies sake (which is more than can be said for most). I'll be the first to admit too that I'm a huge sucker for arcade ports especially when they're done with the semblance of transition that's displayed here but there's too many detriments that prevent Two Crude Dudes from getting played as often as it wants you to. At least they improved on the title for the Genesis version by adding the always high-class word "Dudes" into the mix (known as just Two Crude in the arcades... Shouldn't it be Too Crude?) virtually guaranteeing its impulse-appeal to curious "shoot-from-the-hip" gamers (Sega's obvious demographic). Genesis DOES indeed!

The most glaring disappointment to me here is the finicky controls as it never feels quite comfortable to grab things or maneuver your lumbering oaf which greatly effects the fun factor and my final rating as it probably could have improved an octave with basic enhancements in this one category alone. Spamming the throw is pretty darn hilarious though as waves of Big Valley goons are reconstituted as human pins getting bowled over by any and everything in their path that's projectile-worthy (including street signs, vehicles and many of the adversaries themselves)! Did I mention that you punch tanks with your fists? I know, I can't get over it but it's AMAZING and probably the biggest reason I can muster to endorse this game so at least it has that going for it. In the end, The 'Tude Dude's Two Crude Dude's (???) experience ends up as somewhat of a disappointment with yet another less-than-stellar release involving a game associated with the word "dudes" though it's certainly not as cringe-worthy as the choppy Bad Dudes on the NES so take whatever you can get I suppose.

Parting Thoughts-

• Pros-
  *Rad setting and concept
  *Twangy soundtrack that fits your surroundings
  *Ridiculous enemies provide plenty of character
• Cons-
  *Character movements are slow and clunky
  *lack of variety causes increased staleness
  *Forgettable graphics

The 'Tude Dude's Bottom Line-

Despite a 'tudey coat of polish that gives it much more character than it probably deserves, Two Crude Dudes overemphasizes the crude by adding little to the genre with poor controls and uninspired gameplay wrapped within a single-celled simplistic premise.

Thanks for reading!