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    Bloody Wolf

    Game » consists of 6 releases. Released Sep 01, 1989

    A top-down shooter from Data East, originally released in the Arcades in 1988. Snake and Eagle are on a mission to save the president!

    The TurboMento-12: Bloody Wolf

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    Mento

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    Edited By Mento  Moderator

    I gotta hand it to user @polyesterkyle, he suggested a real banger for this month. Data East's Bloody Wolf is a Commando style run-and-gun that gained notoriety in the arcades for its wonderful Engrish before settling on home consoles with a far more intelligible TurboGrafx-16 port. It's the spiritual successor to Data East's earlier hit Heavy Barrel, but takes inspiration from all sorts of games in this genre - the aforementioned Commando, Ikari Warriors, Guerrilla War, Contra and so on. Despite evoking a great number of Vietnam movies too (Rambo specifically) I don't think it's set anywhere in particular. "The Enemy Base" is about all I got from the story. Screw it, we're heading into Vietnam to rescue P.O.W.s (Presidents of War). Let's keep it simple.

    Bombin' the NAM with No-Scopes and the Bloody Wolf

    Welcome to Bloody Wolf! We have a tough decision ahead of us in choosing one of these two extremely different characters as our protagonist. No doubt their motivations, personalities and combat style are all- ah, screw it, I'll go with the bald guy.
    Welcome to Bloody Wolf! We have a tough decision ahead of us in choosing one of these two extremely different characters as our protagonist. No doubt their motivations, personalities and combat style are all- ah, screw it, I'll go with the bald guy.
    It's his defining characteristic after all. Still, it does seem a bit harsh.
    It's his defining characteristic after all. Still, it does seem a bit harsh.
    Here we go. Because who can say for sure, really?
    Here we go. Because who can say for sure, really?
    Wait, how am I supposed to remember all this? I hope there's an in-game journal.
    Wait, how am I supposed to remember all this? I hope there's an in-game journal.
    Awwright, we're off. The game very quickly introduces its jumping mechanic. Or rather, it sets up this invincible barricade of barb wire to stymie you until you find the jump button.
    Awwright, we're off. The game very quickly introduces its jumping mechanic. Or rather, it sets up this invincible barricade of barb wire to stymie you until you find the jump button.
    Here are some green goons, the disposable troops of The Enemy Forces. They've taken cover behind some red barrels.
    Here are some green goons, the disposable troops of The Enemy Forces. They've taken cover behind some red barrels.
    Y'know, the type of red barrel usually filled with explosives. Didn't work out well for them, but then it's not like they have video games here in Enemystan.
    Y'know, the type of red barrel usually filled with explosives. Didn't work out well for them, but then it's not like they have video games here in Enemystan.
    You can enter buildings, and you'll usually see sights like this: A few guards, an item crate and a prisoner.
    You can enter buildings, and you'll usually see sights like this: A few guards, an item crate and a prisoner.
    I didn't capture it earlier because those soldiers got blown to shit, but if you shoot one of these guys they have these awesome little Platoon death sequences. Look at that lil' guy cursing his misfortune to an unfeeling creator. So cute!
    I didn't capture it earlier because those soldiers got blown to shit, but if you shoot one of these guys they have these awesome little Platoon death sequences. Look at that lil' guy cursing his misfortune to an unfeeling creator. So cute!
    Bald? wants first dibs riding this box around like it's a truck. You make your own fun in wartime.
    Bald? wants first dibs riding this box around like it's a truck. You make your own fun in wartime.
    Prisoners usually just say
    Prisoners usually just say "Thank You" (as seen in the left screenshot, where he says "Thank You") but will also occasionally dispense advice and hints.
    Some prisoners even give you items. For the most part, you don't need to rescue every single one (so it's not like Shinobi, say) but the free stuff makes it worth it.
    Some prisoners even give you items. For the most part, you don't need to rescue every single one (so it's not like Shinobi, say) but the free stuff makes it worth it.
    See? I can be appreciative. This is a good game for teaching manners to your children.
    See? I can be appreciative. This is a good game for teaching manners to your children.
    Dude refuses to jump up on trucks, but you can still climb up.
    Dude refuses to jump up on trucks, but you can still climb up.
    And he we go! Motorcycles work like the tanks in Ikari Warriors: Lots of firepower and you're invincible, but it will eventually run out of fuel/health. Once it starts flashing, that's your cue to get the heck out of there.
    And he we go! Motorcycles work like the tanks in Ikari Warriors: Lots of firepower and you're invincible, but it will eventually run out of fuel/health. Once it starts flashing, that's your cue to get the heck out of there.
    Also you can jump with them whenever you want. Take that, gravity! Screw you, Steve McQueen at the end of the Great Escape! Go to hell, Evel Kine... oooh, wait.
    Also you can jump with them whenever you want. Take that, gravity! Screw you, Steve McQueen at the end of the Great Escape! Go to hell, Evel Kine... oooh, wait.
    I'm just going to park this here while I check out more buildings. No-one steal it, please.
    I'm just going to park this here while I check out more buildings. No-one steal it, please.
    Oh sweet, some steroids and another motorcycle. I love the 80s!
    Oh sweet, some steroids and another motorcycle. I love the 80s!
    The game's not shy about throwing a thousand enemies at you. Fortunately there's not much slowdown.
    The game's not shy about throwing a thousand enemies at you. Fortunately there's not much slowdown.
    Oh, yeah, sorry dude. Did I wake you up?
    Oh, yeah, sorry dude. Did I wake you up?
    "Check out these sweet donuts!"
    Why, thank you. I try to take care of myself.
    Why, thank you. I try to take care of myself.
    The deeply-layered character of
    The deeply-layered character of "Shotgun Man" is the first of the game's many human mid-bosses. For the first half of the fight, it's a matter of keeping your distance from his blasts and sneaking in close for a few of your own.
    Eventually he calls in some goons to help him out.
    Eventually he calls in some goons to help him out.
    These guys are armored, which means bullets don't work. But knives do. For some reason? The game advises that you use your knife (it's automatic whenever you're in melee range) but I prefer grenades.
    These guys are armored, which means bullets don't work. But knives do. For some reason? The game advises that you use your knife (it's automatic whenever you're in melee range) but I prefer grenades.
    Like so. Less messy (well, more messy) and less chance of getting ganked as you close in.
    Like so. Less messy (well, more messy) and less chance of getting ganked as you close in.
    Eventually, Sleepyhead decides he's had enough and the rest of the stage continues behind him.
    Eventually, Sleepyhead decides he's had enough and the rest of the stage continues behind him.
    I've got a prisoner and a bike to emancipate up here, but the guy shooting near the ladder makes it precarious.
    I've got a prisoner and a bike to emancipate up here, but the guy shooting near the ladder makes it precarious.
    That's some oddly specific information, thanks man! Eight miles, so... what's that? Three more stages?
    That's some oddly specific information, thanks man! Eight miles, so... what's that? Three more stages?
    Oh hell yes.
    Oh hell yes.
    Each of the bazooka's projectiles explodes like a grenade, taking out groups of enemies at once. Both your guns and grenades can be replaced with stronger pick-ups that eventually run out, like this bazooka and that shotgun from earlier.
    Each of the bazooka's projectiles explodes like a grenade, taking out groups of enemies at once. Both your guns and grenades can be replaced with stronger pick-ups that eventually run out, like this bazooka and that shotgun from earlier.
    The first stage boss is this submarine. It's probably not the one from the Kelsey Grammar movie
    The first stage boss is this submarine. It's probably not the one from the Kelsey Grammar movie "Down Periscope".
    It has stages too: After losing two blocks of health (these actually translate to several dozen bullets), it'll dive and torpedo the embankment thing you're on.
    It has stages too: After losing two blocks of health (these actually translate to several dozen bullets), it'll dive and torpedo the embankment thing you're on.
    It's very easy to accidentally wander into the broken parts and drown instantly. The game doesn't have lives, but it will checkpoint you frequently. I generally find that I like this system way more - Ninja Spirit did the same thing.
    It's very easy to accidentally wander into the broken parts and drown instantly. The game doesn't have lives, but it will checkpoint you frequently. I generally find that I like this system way more - Ninja Spirit did the same thing.
    Down Periscope really wasn't all that great.
    Down Periscope really wasn't all that great.
    Yes. You heard that prisoner. Do you need the guy from Jackal to show you the map?
    Yes. You heard that prisoner. Do you need the guy from Jackal to show you the map?

    All right, that about wraps up part one of this episode of TurboMento. I'll go into more detail once I'm done, but Bloody Wolf is pretty good. I mean, I don't know if it's necessarily better than Contra, but it's certainly less challenging. I'm absolutely down with that. I like playing games I can beat.

    As always, the story continues in the comments below. If you guys could squeeze in some manner of bon mot whenever you see one of my double posts, that would help a lot. Stupid anti-spamming rules. Thanks for watching me machine-gun a bunch of dudes! You're all accessories now.

    The TurboMento-12
    January - Ninja SpiritMay - Bonk's AdventureSeptember -
    February - Dungeon ExplorerJune - Gekisha BoyOctober -
    March - The Legendary AxeJuly - Genji Tsuushin AgedamaNovember -
    April - NeutopiaAugust - Bloody WolfDecember -
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    #1  Edited By Mento  Moderator

    Time to close in on where the President's plane crash landed. Where is that sneaky President hiding? Such a scamp.

    Who's Afraid of Bloody Wolf?

    "All right, we're here. You need a 'chute or something?" "FUCK THAAAAAAAAAA-"
    It's time for some jungle japes. The game starts getting very overtly Rambo here.
    It's time for some jungle japes. The game starts getting very overtly Rambo here.
    Like this thing, Professor X's hoverchair. Classic
    Like this thing, Professor X's hoverchair. Classic "First Blood: Part II".
    "I won't be making it to that furry convention at SeaWorld." "Don't you mean 'scaly'?" "Ugh, don't get me started."
    I'm just going to screencap every time I thank someone. It's reaffirming my faith in mankind.
    I'm just going to screencap every time I thank someone. It's reaffirming my faith in mankind.
    The humanitarianism continues! This would be good advice if I hadn't already met a bunch of those dudes (including the one that was in this room).
    The humanitarianism continues! This would be good advice if I hadn't already met a bunch of those dudes (including the one that was in this room).
    Bonus grenades? How powerful are they?
    Bonus grenades? How powerful are they?
    Well, that red mist was a dude once.
    Well, that red mist was a dude once.
    Dammit. I was hoping he was in a random hut like these guys.
    Dammit. I was hoping he was in a random hut like these guys.
    Here's a pyro boss. He was hiding in the water. Way to put out your pilot light, genius.
    Here's a pyro boss. He was hiding in the water. Way to put out your pilot light, genius.
    He's actually a tough boss. The little flames that are flying everywhere are hard to avoid, as is the stream of fire he shoots directly down the screen.
    He's actually a tough boss. The little flames that are flying everywhere are hard to avoid, as is the stream of fire he shoots directly down the screen.
    Eventually, a little poignant blood stain in the water is all that remains of Mr Pyro. Does Bald? believe in magic? Nope.
    Eventually, a little poignant blood stain in the water is all that remains of Mr Pyro. Does Bald? believe in magic? Nope.
    And now we get to swim around. Unlike Ikari Warriors, we're allowed to shoot in water. Finding those fins makes it easy to walk around too.
    And now we get to swim around. Unlike Ikari Warriors, we're allowed to shoot in water. Finding those fins makes it easy to walk around too.
    And then it gets into this underbrush stuff. Just ticking every box on the
    And then it gets into this underbrush stuff. Just ticking every box on the "what Vietnam War soldiers are always walking through" checklist.
    Eventually we reach a cliff with a new boss. Something about helicopter bosses makes me think of Ryan... he really hated those things.
    Eventually we reach a cliff with a new boss. Something about helicopter bosses makes me think of Ryan... he really hated those things.
    This is for you, big guy. Fuck a bunch of helicopter boss.
    This is for you, big guy. Fuck a bunch of helicopter boss.
    Selective memory loss is a hell of a thing. Why rescue prisoners if you're not going to listen to them?
    Selective memory loss is a hell of a thing. Why rescue prisoners if you're not going to listen to them?

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    #2 Video_Game_King

    @mento said:

    Some prisoners even give you items. For the most part, you don't need to rescue every single one (so it's not like Shinobi, say) but the free stuff makes it worth it.
    Some prisoners even give you items. For the most part, you don't need to rescue every single one (so it's not like Shinobi, say) but the free stuff makes it worth it.

    Are you sure you didn't just wander into a strange S&M club?

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    #3  Edited By Mento  Moderator

    Stage 3. We move out of Ikari Warriors and go full Double Dragon. Not that there's any teleporting bosses coming up. Not yet, anyway.

    The Boy Who Cried Bloody Wolf

    Oh what fresh hell is this? Why is there a chasm here?
    Oh what fresh hell is this? Why is there a chasm here?
    Hooooly fuck!
    Hooooly fuck!
    And now there's logs to avoid. These things kill you instantly too.
    And now there's logs to avoid. These things kill you instantly too.
    Whaaaaat.
    Whaaaaat.
    Good lord, this is a good weapon. It replaces your grenades too, so you can still use your regular gun on top of it.
    Good lord, this is a good weapon. It replaces your grenades too, so you can still use your regular gun on top of it.
    To reiterate: This thing can kill anything a grenade can and runs out extreeemely slowly. It's a game breaker. I think a useful flamethrower weapon might be a video game first.
    To reiterate: This thing can kill anything a grenade can and runs out extreeemely slowly. It's a game breaker. I think a useful flamethrower weapon might be a video game first.
    Hey man, I eat huge vertical drops for breakfast.
    Hey man, I eat huge vertical drops for breakfast.
    "Oh Delilah, why did... oh hey, I don't care that you walked out any more. This is good medicine!"
    So this is a bunch of bullshit. You have to hop across this busted bridge while the goof paratroop floats in. Most of them just drop straight off the bridge when landing too. I'm in quiet awe of these soldiers and their intellect.
    So this is a bunch of bullshit. You have to hop across this busted bridge while the goof paratroop floats in. Most of them just drop straight off the bridge when landing too. I'm in quiet awe of these soldiers and their intellect.
    Machine Gun Willy? What the hell are you doing here?
    Machine Gun Willy? What the hell are you doing here?
    You forgot to call him a nerd.
    You forgot to call him a nerd.
    Big Sniper's kind of a badass.
    Big Sniper's kind of a badass.
    Bald? is considerably less so.
    Bald? is considerably less so. "Well, if you're sure."
    Big Sniper's kind of a dick until you figure out his pattern, at which point he's a pushover.
    Big Sniper's kind of a dick until you figure out his pattern, at which point he's a pushover.
    These Dragon Ball Z type beam lasers are apparently what sniper rifles do in Bloody Wolf's liberal interpretation of real life. They're telegraphed, though, so it's a matter of avoiding them and hitting B.S. when he's done moving around.
    These Dragon Ball Z type beam lasers are apparently what sniper rifles do in Bloody Wolf's liberal interpretation of real life. They're telegraphed, though, so it's a matter of avoiding them and hitting B.S. when he's done moving around.
    Eventually he just tumbles off the bridge to an unknown fate. Maybe he'll return, wearing some kind of enigmatic mask to disguis- no wait, he's dead. Says so right at the top.
    Eventually he just tumbles off the bridge to an unknown fate. Maybe he'll return, wearing some kind of enigmatic mask to disguis- no wait, he's dead. Says so right at the top.
    Surprises continue to abound. The game's so wildly unpredictable it's almost impossible to guess what will happen next.
    Surprises continue to abound. The game's so wildly unpredictable it's almost impossible to guess what will happen next.

    Next time: The Enemy Camp. There'll be enemies everywhere.

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    #4  Edited By PolyesterKyle

    Ha wow, didn't know you'd use my suggestion, but aren't you glad you did? This game is just awesome, the perfect mixture of terrible exposition and ludicrous gameplay that could only come from early Japanese gaming. Plus it's just a lot of fun!

    Good read too dude, keep it up!

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    #5  Edited By Mento  Moderator

    @video_game_king: It's possible a few of these prisoners like getting captured a little too much. I swear I keep untying the same guy.

    Peter and the Bloody Wolf

    Time to scale a cliff for no reason. Unlike wading through the river, I'm completely defenseless at the moment. The constant paratroopers are less prohibited.
    Time to scale a cliff for no reason. Unlike wading through the river, I'm completely defenseless at the moment. The constant paratroopers are less prohibited.
    And this is what happens when you wander into an innocuous-looking hut around here. I hesitate to imagine what all these people were doing before I walked in and interrupted it. I'm thinking
    And this is what happens when you wander into an innocuous-looking hut around here. I hesitate to imagine what all these people were doing before I walked in and interrupted it. I'm thinking "surreptitious Mahjong tournament".
    Extra 'roids can't hurt. (I neglected to mention what these things actually do earlier: they increase your maximum health.)
    Extra 'roids can't hurt. (I neglected to mention what these things actually do earlier: they increase your maximum health.)
    This hut's a lot more palatable. Freebies and unguarded prisoners.
    This hut's a lot more palatable. Freebies and unguarded prisoners.
    Thanks for narrowing it down, man.
    Thanks for narrowing it down, man.
    He's in an asylum? I hope the stress of all these dead soldiers isn't getting to him.
    He's in an asylum? I hope the stress of all these dead soldiers isn't getting to him.
    So here we go. The end of the game.
    So here we go. The end of the game.
    All we need to do now is talk to Marle's dad and rescue Crono from the dungeon.
    All we need to do now is talk to Marle's dad and rescue Crono from the dungeon.
    These guys are dicks. They move very slowly though, so it's best to just stand here and shoot one. The flame won't reach across the whole way.
    These guys are dicks. They move very slowly though, so it's best to just stand here and shoot one. The flame won't reach across the whole way.
    Grenades work too. This shadowy looking guy is the toughest regular soldier. I'm not sure if he's meant to be an evil clone or something, but he does explode when he dies. But then a lot of dudes in this game explode when they die, so that could mean anything.
    Grenades work too. This shadowy looking guy is the toughest regular soldier. I'm not sure if he's meant to be an evil clone or something, but he does explode when he dies. But then a lot of dudes in this game explode when they die, so that could mean anything.
    We clearly picked a hope-inspiring name.
    We clearly picked a hope-inspiring name.
    Hey, I'm not the one in the asylum, mister.
    Hey, I'm not the one in the asylum, mister.
    At this point the boss throws a boomerang that flings the gun out of our hands.
    At this point the boss throws a boomerang that flings the gun out of our hands.
    We're bummed because our gun went away. Or maybe we're wondering why a supposed military genius like the High Commander (pfffft) throws boomerangs at people.
    We're bummed because our gun went away. Or maybe we're wondering why a supposed military genius like the High Commander (pfffft) throws boomerangs at people.
    High Commander breaks the awkward silence, yet I can't help but feel like things have gotten more awkward.
    High Commander breaks the awkward silence, yet I can't help but feel like things have gotten more awkward.
    What? (Psst, hey, Bald? Can we discuss this?)
    What? (Psst, hey, Bald? Can we discuss this?)
    I wouldn't. Go find that gun, you big bald goof.
    I wouldn't. Go find that gun, you big bald goof.
    Nope. This boss fight is entirely knife-based. Or rather, I have a knife and he has a big particle cannon and his homing boomerangs. One of those evenly-matched scenarios then.
    Nope. This boss fight is entirely knife-based. Or rather, I have a knife and he has a big particle cannon and his homing boomerangs. One of those evenly-matched scenarios then.
    Shouldn't have brought boomerangs to a knife fight, dude.
    Shouldn't have brought boomerangs to a knife fight, dude.
    "I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!"
    Wow, wasn't far off.
    Wow, wasn't far off.
    See, this is why you get into trouble so easily Mr. President. You're too trusting.
    See, this is why you get into trouble so easily Mr. President. You're too trusting.
    Can't get enough of my bald badass merc character thanking everyone for being so nice.
    Can't get enough of my bald badass merc character thanking everyone for being so nice.
    So here we go. The president is in tow for the next part of the game.
    So here we go. The president is in tow for the next part of the game.
    Best of all? I still don't have my gun, and there's a lot of goons between here and the exit. Escort knife mission! Let's do this!
    Best of all? I still don't have my gun, and there's a lot of goons between here and the exit. Escort knife mission! Let's do this!
    We did it! Now for our heroic chopper escape.
    We did it! Now for our heroic chopper escape.
    Just jump into the helicopter as it hovers next to this cliff. Perfectly safe.
    Just jump into the helicopter as it hovers next to this cliff. Perfectly safe.
    Oh yeah! I forgot about those guys. Glad they're okay.
    Oh yeah! I forgot about those guys. Glad they're okay.
    "We don't really... keep track of MIA soldiers. Too much paperwork."
    Wait, what?
    Wait, what?
    Oooh no. I can see where this is going.
    Oooh no. I can see where this is going.
    Can I hold onto the landing skids?
    Can I hold onto the landing skids?
    Nope, I'm doing the heroic thing. The president must be saved! America!
    Nope, I'm doing the heroic thing. The president must be saved! America!
    I'll just whistle and an enormous bald eagle will carry me home.
    I'll just whistle and an enormous bald eagle will carry me home.
    I've got a knife, after all.
    I've got a knife, after all.
    We both knew it would come down to this. I rescued too many hostages. That was smart of me.
    We both knew it would come down to this. I rescued too many hostages. That was smart of me.
    Dammit Mr President, Inside of us, we both know you belong on that chopper. You're part of America's government, the thing that keeps America going. If that chopper leaves the cliffside and you're not in it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Mr President, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little mercenaries don't amount to a hill of Muscle Emphasis Tablets in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.
    Dammit Mr President, Inside of us, we both know you belong on that chopper. You're part of America's government, the thing that keeps America going. If that chopper leaves the cliffside and you're not in it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Mr President, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little mercenaries don't amount to a hill of Muscle Emphasis Tablets in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.
    Dun-dun-duuuuun!
    Dun-dun-duuuuun!

    To be continued. Wait, there's a "to be continued"? I love this stupid game.

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    Video_Game_King

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    #6  Edited By Video_Game_King

    @mento said:


    To be continued. Wait, there's a "to be continued"? I love this stupid game.

    Oh, right. I remember that. You actually have to play as the guy you didn't choose before, and now you're rescuing the other guy. Pretty cool feature, that.

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    Mento

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    #7 Mento  Moderator

    @polyesterkyle: Correct on all counts, except maybe that last line. I'm going to have to ask GB chat for suggestions more often.

    Three Bloody Wolf Moon T-Shirt

    As VGK said, we're now assuming the role of the other guy. The guy with hair.
    As VGK said, we're now assuming the role of the other guy. The guy with hair.
    Seems only fair.
    Seems only fair.
    Now this is a mission I'm emotionally invested in! Fuck the president!
    Now this is a mission I'm emotionally invested in! Fuck the president!
    "Don't suppose you want a 'chute either." "NO WAAAAAAAAAAY!" "I hate these guys."
    "Why couldn't I have landed on some pointy, dry rocks from a few hundred feet up? Curse my luck."
    So mission 5 is a bit weird. It's a big, open world stage where you have recover all the hostages before you're allowed to move on. Perhaps obviously, this stage wasn't in the original arcade version.
    So mission 5 is a bit weird. It's a big, open world stage where you have recover all the hostages before you're allowed to move on. Perhaps obviously, this stage wasn't in the original arcade version.
    There's twelve in total, but they're not particularly hard to find. They're mostly around the edges of the map.
    There's twelve in total, but they're not particularly hard to find. They're mostly around the edges of the map.
    You can get three at once in here, but it means fighting this knife man.
    You can get three at once in here, but it means fighting this knife man.
    Unfortunately, Hair? is the honorable type, which means this'll be a straight up Commando knife fight. Come on Bennett, let's party!
    Unfortunately, Hair? is the honorable type, which means this'll be a straight up Commando knife fight. Come on Bennett, let's party!
    Knife Killer is understandably impressed with my decision to throw away my automatic rifle for a knife. I am less enthralled.
    Knife Killer is understandably impressed with my decision to throw away my automatic rifle for a knife. I am less enthralled.
    So the Knife Killer is a tricky foe because the knife is so limited (and I'm nearly dead already). Best bet is to stay above and below him so he doesn't charge you. Standard beat-em-up boss tactic, in fact.
    So the Knife Killer is a tricky foe because the knife is so limited (and I'm nearly dead already). Best bet is to stay above and below him so he doesn't charge you. Standard beat-em-up boss tactic, in fact.
    "The Knife Killer becomes the Knife... Killed! Ha ha, yes." "Can we go now? Or just shoot us. Either is good, really."
    Well, that is where they caught him.
    Well, that is where they caught him.
    Oh right, Hair? doesn't have Bald?'s journal notes.
    Oh right, Hair? doesn't have Bald?'s journal notes.
    20 miles, what is that? Three stages?
    20 miles, what is that? Three stages?
    Hair? is every bit the gentleman as his partner. Compare and contrast to Kane and Lynch. This is why video games are in such a bad place these days.
    Hair? is every bit the gentleman as his partner. Compare and contrast to Kane and Lynch. This is why video games are in such a bad place these days.
    Hair?'s traumatic fifth birthday party will no longer invade his dreams. Memories of Chuckles the Clown cannot harm him now.
    Hair?'s traumatic fifth birthday party will no longer invade his dreams. Memories of Chuckles the Clown cannot harm him now.
    Most of the other hostages in this level will say this. The game wants you to head to the Knife Killer's hut. Well, except you have to rescue everyone, so it's kind of moot.
    Most of the other hostages in this level will say this. The game wants you to head to the Knife Killer's hut. Well, except you have to rescue everyone, so it's kind of moot.
    "Maybe they"...? It's all in one ear and out the other with these guys.

    Maybe Bald? is in this next stage. Maybe it's a whole lot of death and raft horrors. Who can say, really?

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    #8  Edited By Video_Game_King

    @mento said:

    Now this is a mission I'm emotionally invested in! Fuck the president!
    Now this is a mission I'm emotionally invested in! Fuck the president!

    I like to imagine him saying this with a tinge of disappointment.

    "Your mission is to rescue Bald? Where do we find these fucking people? I tell ya, this country's gone soft on us. Go! Just get out of here, already."

    Also, something about the planet Mars. Twice.

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    #9  Edited By Mento  Moderator

    I really ought to leave some of this for tomorrow. Ahhhhhh to heck with it.

    Bloody Wolf in Bloody Sheep's Clothing

    I find this amazing haul and an insistent hostage almost immediately. I'm going to like this level!
    I find this amazing haul and an insistent hostage almost immediately. I'm going to like this level!
    I love rafts! I'm going to love this level!
    I love rafts! I'm going to love this level!
    So okay, something that these screenshots don't convey is the speed at which this piece of wood flies down the river. This is like the X-Games version of Huckleberry Finn. It might well have a gas turbine hiding beneath it.
    So okay, something that these screenshots don't convey is the speed at which this piece of wood flies down the river. This is like the X-Games version of Huckleberry Finn. It might well have a gas turbine hiding beneath it.
    With a big
    With a big "clunk", it finally stops and I can go back to being able to mentally register what's happening on the screen. I bet if I check the side of this thing I'll find one of buzz_clik's WipEout logos.
    Hair?'s discovery of the key is not quite the event it was last time. Whatever, it's necessary.
    Hair?'s discovery of the key is not quite the event it was last time. Whatever, it's necessary.
    So boss of stage 6 is this asshole tank. It fires in eight different directions, which isn't easy to avoid when you're given so little real estate to walk around in. It'll keep trying to shell you too. And it's really tough. And either it's a really small tank or it's really far away.
    So boss of stage 6 is this asshole tank. It fires in eight different directions, which isn't easy to avoid when you're given so little real estate to walk around in. It'll keep trying to shell you too. And it's really tough. And either it's a really small tank or it's really far away.
    A whole bunch of raspberry explosions later and it's our of our Hair?'s hair.
    A whole bunch of raspberry explosions later and it's our of our Hair?'s hair.
    Clearly hitting that rock scrambled Hair?'s noggin a little. Rafting can certainly be something.
    Clearly hitting that rock scrambled Hair?'s noggin a little. Rafting can certainly be something.
    Of course, there are no fins on this stage that I am aware of. But then I already had a pair from last time. Good thing items stay with you forever.
    Of course, there are no fins on this stage that I am aware of. But then I already had a pair from last time. Good thing items stay with you forever.
    I never did find out what the purpose of this was. It didn't feel like I was dying less often.
    I never did find out what the purpose of this was. It didn't feel like I was dying less often.
    So most of this stage is marshlands, which means lots of these aquatic guys popping up.
    So most of this stage is marshlands, which means lots of these aquatic guys popping up.
    You can see them as little straws before they reach you. It's times like this when the flamethrower is really helpful. Against enemies submerged in water. Yep.
    You can see them as little straws before they reach you. It's times like this when the flamethrower is really helpful. Against enemies submerged in water. Yep.
    Crate food! All right! Oh wait, this was a grenade not a pineapple.
    Crate food! All right! Oh wait, this was a grenade not a pineapple.
    So I just keep following this linear path? Thanks man. Why don't you go get eaten by an alligator?
    So I just keep following this linear path? Thanks man. Why don't you go get eaten by an alligator?
    So the next boss is this Vietnamese gunboat and I still have no idea where I'm supposed to be. As if a turret isn't sufficient, that bald guy pops out to fire rockets at you too. Oh, and there's dozens of frogmen swimming in constantly. Good thing you can destroy the boat in about five seconds with a constant stream of flamethrower fire.
    So the next boss is this Vietnamese gunboat and I still have no idea where I'm supposed to be. As if a turret isn't sufficient, that bald guy pops out to fire rockets at you too. Oh, and there's dozens of frogmen swimming in constantly. Good thing you can destroy the boat in about five seconds with a constant stream of flamethrower fire.
    That... might be a bit optimistic. The next stage is kind of a big one.
    That... might be a bit optimistic. The next stage is kind of a big one.

    Regarding the burning frogmen from earlier:

    Loading Video...

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    #10  Edited By Mento  Moderator

    Hungry Like the Bloody Wolf

    We're back on our bikes for the final stretch. Road Rash this ain't, though, so I'm back on foot as soon as the base appears.
    We're back on our bikes for the final stretch. Road Rash this ain't, though, so I'm back on foot as soon as the base appears.
    Thanks to these infra-red goggles I picked up earlier, which actually do do something, I can see these lasers. They flicker on and off so randomly it's hardly a help.
    Thanks to these infra-red goggles I picked up earlier, which actually do do something, I can see these lasers. They flicker on and off so randomly it's hardly a help.
    Hit a laser and the floor opens up, but you do have a small grace period to jump out of the way. I bet this was a fun and entirely explicable corridor for anyone without the necessary item.
    Hit a laser and the floor opens up, but you do have a small grace period to jump out of the way. I bet this was a fun and entirely explicable corridor for anyone without the necessary item.
    Oh hell, it's that damn tank again. This blue one fires more often and for some reason also makes the ceiling collapse. So at this point you're dodging shells, gunfire and giant rocks from nowhere.
    Oh hell, it's that damn tank again. This blue one fires more often and for some reason also makes the ceiling collapse. So at this point you're dodging shells, gunfire and giant rocks from nowhere.
    That wasn't easy. Fortunate I had some flamethrower left, but now there's none left for the boss.
    That wasn't easy. Fortunate I had some flamethrower left, but now there's none left for the boss.
    And then the stage just continues. What a dick move.
    And then the stage just continues. What a dick move.
    Before we're even allowed to heal up, there's another Knife Killer to deal with.
    Before we're even allowed to heal up, there's another Knife Killer to deal with.
    Yeah right, I don't fancy my chances this time. It's not always easy to guess where he's going to go.
    Yeah right, I don't fancy my chances this time. It's not always easy to guess where he's going to go.
    ...or I could just shoot him once and kill him instantly. That works too.
    ...or I could just shoot him once and kill him instantly. That works too.
    Oh no... Rogaine?
    Oh no... Rogaine?
    He better not have grown hair. That's my whole deal.
    He better not have grown hair. That's my whole deal.
    I can only imagine the sort of nefarious purpose the High Commander would find for such a fierce war... guard duty?
    I can only imagine the sort of nefarious purpose the High Commander would find for such a fierce war... guard duty?
    Over time the hostages might forget you rescued them from certain death from a giant laser fortress, but they'll never forget your good etiquette.
    Over time the hostages might forget you rescued them from certain death from a giant laser fortress, but they'll never forget your good etiquette.
    We're right in the middle of enemy HQ and I'll probably have to fight my best friend to the death, but you're absolutely right. No need for frowns.
    We're right in the middle of enemy HQ and I'll probably have to fight my best friend to the death, but you're absolutely right. No need for frowns.
    Thanks! (He means it too, this regenerates all my health.)
    Thanks! (He means it too, this regenerates all my health.)
    In a twist of sheer dickery (that sounds painful) the game throws laser corridors and these lightning robots at us simultaneously. The robots can be shot down, but it takes a lot of bullets and it's always edging forwards... unless you want to take a step back? Into the laser?
    In a twist of sheer dickery (that sounds painful) the game throws laser corridors and these lightning robots at us simultaneously. The robots can be shot down, but it takes a lot of bullets and it's always edging forwards... unless you want to take a step back? Into the laser?
    Oh good, he's still bald. Nothing to worry about here! Probably!
    Oh good, he's still bald. Nothing to worry about here! Probably!

    Next time: Hair? vs. Bald? - Friend or Follically Challenged?

    ... Or maybe I'll just carry on from here, since no-one's posting:

    Bloody Wolf 359

    He really has changed. The real Bald? would've thanked me for coming all this way to see him.
    He really has changed. The real Bald? would've thanked me for coming all this way to see him.
    "Only someone brainwashed to be evil would give me the ellipsis treatment!"
    No, brother! Fight Zemus's power over you!
    No, brother! Fight Zemus's power over you!
    In a touching moment, Hair? reveals that he always thought of Bald? as... a buddy.
    In a touching moment, Hair? reveals that he always thought of Bald? as... a buddy.
    This boss fight is a little rough too. Like every dramatic battle so far, I'm resorting to my knife (apparently the
    This boss fight is a little rough too. Like every dramatic battle so far, I'm resorting to my knife (apparently the "non-lethal option". I swear this game is tough as hell. Well, when I'm not thanking everyone for their kindness) while Bald? runs around with his bazooka.
    He'll also run forward with his knife Bennett-style (man, I've been referencing Commando a lot) when he thinks he has me cornered. This is an opportune moment to get a few slashes in.
    He'll also run forward with his knife Bennett-style (man, I've been referencing Commando a lot) when he thinks he has me cornered. This is an opportune moment to get a few slashes in.
    Bald? decides to take a nap. I mean, he has been stabbed like a dozen times.
    Bald? decides to take a nap. I mean, he has been stabbed like a dozen times.
    "Awww shucks, did I try and blow you up a bunch of times? I'm so embarrassed."
    "Unusually quickly, I might add." "Shut up."
    Man, Bald? is completely incensed. Knocking people out is incredibly violent compared to everything else we've seen so far.
    Man, Bald? is completely incensed. Knocking people out is incredibly violent compared to everything else we've seen so far.
    Hair? has places to be. No big team up for the final boss, alas.
    Hair? has places to be. No big team up for the final boss, alas.
    "The other evil guards and I were planning a party for Steve. He's retiring today. We have a cake and everything."
    "I'll garrote them with the strings on their party hats!"
    Bald? is incredibly chipper for someone who has been brainwashed for hours and then almost knifed to death. But that's why this game is so great; nothing gets these guys down.
    Bald? is incredibly chipper for someone who has been brainwashed for hours and then almost knifed to death. But that's why this game is so great; nothing gets these guys down.
    You can run through this corridor shooting everyone, but I'm just going to jump past them all. It's a little hard to kill them when you know all their names. And their children's names. Bob has a picture of his daughter in his wallet and she is just precious.
    You can run through this corridor shooting everyone, but I'm just going to jump past them all. It's a little hard to kill them when you know all their names. And their children's names. Bob has a picture of his daughter in his wallet and she is just precious.
    "Dammit, I spent all that time brainwashing you because it was crucially important to have someone guarding that empty corridor. Now anyone could walk through it, after passing all those laser traps and the hundreds of other guards!"
    I'm pretty sure Bald? just Rorie'd the most powerful military despot in the world.
    I'm pretty sure Bald? just Rorie'd the most powerful military despot in the world.
    Normal ol' sassy Bald?, that's right.
    Normal ol' sassy Bald?, that's right.
    And now Bald? is asking the boss to take on me. It's time to beat the living daylights out of him until he cries in the rain.
    And now Bald? is asking the boss to take on me. It's time to beat the living daylights out of him until he cries in the rain.
    "If I had my druthers, I'd have the entire US army guarding inconsequential rooms. [Cobra Commander laugh]"
    The final boss, as is probably to be expected, is kind of a bitch. He teleports around the place (what did I tell ya! Teleporting bosses!) and makes with the big energy beams and boomerangs like last time. The boomerangs are EXTREMELY hard to avoid once they return, since there's about eight that home in on you in all directions. On top of that, the guy moves around like crazy (as do all his shadow clones). Tough stuff.
    The final boss, as is probably to be expected, is kind of a bitch. He teleports around the place (what did I tell ya! Teleporting bosses!) and makes with the big energy beams and boomerangs like last time. The boomerangs are EXTREMELY hard to avoid once they return, since there's about eight that home in on you in all directions. On top of that, the guy moves around like crazy (as do all his shadow clones). Tough stuff.
    But not so tough. As last words go, they're not so much philosophical as painfully redundant.
    But not so tough. As last words go, they're not so much philosophical as painfully redundant.
    That's a pretty philosophical explosion, however. Definitely food for thought.
    That's a pretty philosophical explosion, however. Definitely food for thought.

    Next time: I probably post the finale in this post somewhere. In fact, I probably should've just done this with my original post since there doesn't seem to be a hard limit on images or anything. Stay tuned!

    Bloody Wolford Brimley

    The game's not over! As soon as the boss dies, you get a thousand grenades thrown at you. The following gauntlet of pissed off green goons is sort of like this game's
    The game's not over! As soon as the boss dies, you get a thousand grenades thrown at you. The following gauntlet of pissed off green goons is sort of like this game's "escape Planet Zebes" sequence.
    But there is no escape. Not from this hellish laser fortress.
    But there is no escape. Not from this hellish laser fortress.
    Time to ponder the choices I've made. Did Steve really need that pack of golf balls? He probably had enough all ready. Could've chipped in, as it were, with the rocket guy and bought him that new 8 Iron, but I didn't know him that w-
    Time to ponder the choices I've made. Did Steve really need that pack of golf balls? He probably had enough all ready. Could've chipped in, as it were, with the rocket guy and bought him that new 8 Iron, but I didn't know him that w-
    "-oh hell, when did you guys get here?" "You shot Steve on your way out, you asshole." "Really? That's a shame, I heard he was retiring soon."
    Well, I had a good run. 1.5 million points is probably a good run, right?
    Well, I had a good run. 1.5 million points is probably a good run, right?
    Psyche, the chopper's machine-gun fire shreds through the guards, leaving Bald? relatively bullethole-free.
    Psyche, the chopper's machine-gun fire shreds through the guards, leaving Bald? relatively bullethole-free.
    "I mean, I just shot like a thousand bullets through you. How are you still standing?"
    Who is he asking? Is that a rhetorical question? Do we have time for rhetorical questions? Doesn't it strike anyone odd that he's wasting time asking rhetorical questions? Why doesn't-
    Who is he asking? Is that a rhetorical question? Do we have time for rhetorical questions? Doesn't it strike anyone odd that he's wasting time asking rhetorical questions? Why doesn't-
    "All right, I just wanted to confirm. You know how it is with mysterious choppers."
    Giddy as always. Helicopters are fun times.
    Giddy as always. Helicopters are fun times.
    And for a special ending bonus, their roles are reversed.
    And for a special ending bonus, their roles are reversed.
    Upgraded from buddy to bro. I'm glad I could watch their relationship develop and grow like this.
    Upgraded from buddy to bro. I'm glad I could watch their relationship develop and grow like this.
    "The Digital Combat Simulator: UH-1H Huey Quick Look. Had some really insightful tips."
    Oh Bloody Wolf's sense of humor. You're so incredibly stupid at times.
    Oh Bloody Wolf's sense of humor. You're so incredibly stupid at times.
    ...........................
    ...........................
    Don't mind us, we're having a Wile E. Coyote moment.
    Don't mind us, we're having a Wile E. Coyote moment.
    "Fuck you realityyyyyyyyy!"
    I keep trying to gloss over the homoerotic elements, but...
    I keep trying to gloss over the homoerotic elements, but...
    That's just about it for Bloody Wolf, the greatest dumbest Contra clone I've ever played. But wait!
    That's just about it for Bloody Wolf, the greatest dumbest Contra clone I've ever played. But wait!
    Protip for anyone still reading: Do not use a permanent marker pen to write all this down on the title screen.
    Protip for anyone still reading: Do not use a permanent marker pen to write all this down on the title screen.
    WHAAAAT...?
    WHAAAAT...?
    As a stinger, here's what happens when you quit after dying. You disappointed? I disappointed you gave up on your elocution lessons. We all disappointed here, I think.
    As a stinger, here's what happens when you quit after dying. You disappointed? I disappointed you gave up on your elocution lessons. We all disappointed here, I think.

    That's it! Thanks for reading and feel free to comment if you have no idea how to fly a chopper, can think of any better wolf puns or if you disappointed just in general.

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