Three years ago back in October 2021, I created a ranking of the then-13 records the Albummer! crew had discussed to that point. Through rigorous scientific and empirical processes, I found which albums were secret successes, which were solidly in "bummer" territory, and which caused listeners physical pain. Now that the show has covered an additional 13 albums, I feel compelled to update my rankings. One sidenote before we get into it: I had a draft written of this earlier today that got completely wiped by an errant keystroke, so I'm not going to include album art or blurbs for everything on the list again. Also, RIP KRL; I hope the show covers the McGruff the Crime Dog album in your memory.
1. Metallica, Metallica
I understand why many people consider this album a bummer. I even understand why some people think it sucks. However, my opinion is that scientific analysis states that this is, by a wide mile, the best album covered on the feature. The riff for “Enter Sandman” is iconic for a reason: it absolutely rips, and it stands up well with their 80’s content in spite of its radio-friendly leanings. “The God That Failed” might be the heaviest thing they ever wrote, with the exception of “Dyers Eve”. They even indulge in silly bullshit songs like the one about turning into werewolves. It’s an album that is simultaneously deathly serious and full of Dumb Guy energy, but it’s all good. Considering how dire things got immediately thereafter with the abysmal Load and Reload, we should be thankful this album exists at all.
2. Jugulator, Judas Priest
3. Be A Man, "Macho Man" Randy Savage
If this series has taught me anything, it’s that the hilarity of the “lol celebrity rapping” subgenre has been overstated. Even on its surface, it’s not hard to see a trash-talking wrestler with well-documented beefs creating a secretly successful hip-hop album. Best of all, the title track absolutely brutalizes an all around suckass human being in Hulk Hogan, all the while not uttering a single curse word. There are some low points to the album for certain, but I came away feeling like it was better than it had any right to be, particularly for something released in 2003. Plus, it gave us the treat of seeing everyone’s Macho Man Randy Savage impressions, something my life would feel emptier without witnessing.
4. Still Sucks, Limp Bizkit
I’m not sure whether this is a compliment or a criticism of Limp Bizkit and what they were going for, but this album is fine. I listened to it all in one sitting and could not relate a single memorable hook or line from any track. This suggests two things: first, that it was competently produced and inoffensive in execution, which sets it apart from a lot of reuniting bands from the early Aughts. Second, that it was entirely uninspired and has no need to exist. I’ve always thought of trash as not necessarily being bad media, but having a worth that was far eclipsed by the amount of time, money, and prestige poured into a project. So is Still Sucks trash? Even if it meets that definition, it’s not nearly as bad to listen to as most of the other albums on this list.
5. Songs of Innocence, U2
6. Shaq Diesel, Shaquille O'Neal
Based on the backstory of Shaquille O’Neal being encouraged by his mother to chase every dream he could, I want to rate this the best album on the list. However, I am bound by law to judge each album on its actual musical content. And the content of Shaq Diesel is competent and enjoyable, although its shine is dimmer than some similar albums this show has covered. My favorite track is a song Shaq is barely featured on. Honestly, I was more disappointed that it wasn’t a bad album than I was delighted by any individual song. That said, I have incorporated “gigged on ‘em” into my life in a big way, and I have this basketball legend to thank for it, I guess.
7. 44/876, Sting & Shaggy
8. Father of All Motherfuckers, Green Day
9. The Return of Bruno, Bruce Willis
10. Cyberpunk, Billy Idol
Honestly, there’s nothing sadder in music than seeing someone announce a grand vision for a concept album, and then it turns out their vision was milquetoast. “Billy Idol makes a cyberpunk-themed album” is crazy enough to be enjoyable in either direction, but the real product fails to move the needle. The weirdest thing to me was how conventional lead single “Shock to the System” is. The vast majority of the album is just boring, overstuffed at 73ish minutes, and even the interludes don’t feel original for the time in which they were made. Overall it’s pleasant enough to listen to, but there are so few moments among the bloat that you could pick out after listening to it. Maybe it was a grand statement about how the true terror of a cyberpunk future will be so mundane it doesn’t even feel like anything changed, and you’ll be numb to the daily debasement you’re subjected to. Or Idol simply liked saying the word “cyberpunk”, who could say?
11. Van Weezer, Weezer
12. Rebirth, Lil Wayne
13. The Philosophy of the World, The Shaggs
Much has been stated about separating art from its artist in all media, but the case usually presented is the art being great while the artist commits abuses or worse. In my opinion, this is a prime example of the exact opposite, where the art is really not good, but I want only the best for the artists. I won’t go into the trauma and abuse inflicted by Austin Wiggin (which Lucie and Emily addressed in the episode), but the Wiggin girls were put into an incomprehensible situation and made music that people genuinely love. The only musical comparison I can think of is the Portsmouth Sinfonia, but that was a collective of willing amateurs (as far as I’m aware). Alas, since I bound myself to rate these entries musically, this one finds itself in the exact midpoint of albums covered by the show. I don’t enjoy it, and I’m automatically suspicious when people say they love it, but I have a better appreciation for its appeal after listening to the Albummer crew talk about formative band experiences. Pour one out for Foot Foot.
14. Playing with Fire, Kevin Federline
15. Youth Authority, Good Charlotte
In the Shaggs episode, the Albummer crew mentioned how weird it is for middle-aged people to sing heartfelt breakup songs about people they’ve forgotten. In retrospect, this entire episode feels like that specific type of awkwardness. It has perfectly competent pop-punk from a group everyone forgot about a decade prior. Aside from me rolling my eyes every few minutes, I could see a number of my friends unironically enjoying the album. However, the nostalgia-drunk “40 oz. Dream” deserves to be mocked relentlessly; the kids are all right, you dorks.
16. Speedin' Bullet 2 Heaven, Kid Cudi
I knew some guys in college whose sole musical ambition seemed to be creating a store-brand copy of Icky Thump. This is the same thing, but for Incesticide. A better comparison point might be Angelic 2 the Core for this album’s bloat, half-assed attempts at creating a dense mythology, and INTERMINABLE skits. Only Kid Cudi managed to scrap together a bigger budget, pulling together decent production values and competent instrumentals. Then he undercuts it by getting Mike Judge to play Beavis and Butt-head in the aforementioned skits. I know the album comes from a place of real trauma and struggle, but the ideas are extremely underdeveloped. Presumably, completely changing the sound with which you became famous means you’re very passionate about your new direction; none of that passion is perceptible here. Lastly, I listened to the entirety of the second disc, and I could honestly not tell the difference between the songs marked “demo” and the tracks that made the final cut.
17. Taste of Christmas, Various Artists
Every year, I put together a playlist I call the “Trashvent Calendar” for my friends and family, where I take songs about the holidays that I personally think suck and unveil one per day, often with the worst Christmas song I heard that year on December 25th. In past years, I’ve drawn almost exclusively from the Hark! Podcast song ranking (which I’ve listened to in its entirety after taking umbrage with how they ranked Weird Al). From this album alone, I was able to grab seven songs that I think will make the final cut for my 2022 Trashvent Calendar. The only reason this isn’t lower is thanks to the level of skill by the original artist, leading even the truest suckass performance covering it to have a higher floor than you might expect. I think I would rather listen to a new Bob Rivers album than hear The Used create a single new holiday cover. My opinion on Christmas music may have turned a corner in recent years after experiencing true holiday dreck, but I doubt I will ever come around to liking this album.
18. Crazy Frog Presents More Crazy Hits, Crazy Frog
I’m 35, so I’m intimately familiar with the old Insanity Test and Crazy Frog covering "Axel F". So perhaps this is me just being numb to the percussive inanity of our blue-dicked little Swedish friend, but I couldn’t find room further down the list for this follow-up album not a single person asked for. Bland Europop covers of pop songs barely move the needle for me, and adding some half-hearted ring-a-ding-dongs on top of them became trite in short order. I did like how they tried to make a pseudo-official anthem for the World Cup; given that I didn’t hear about that until 2021, it must have gone well. Novelty albums have diminishing returns in both directions. This is the 2020’s now, and I expect a Crazier or Craziest Frog at this point in my life. If I’m not even questioning my sanity 30 seconds into what you made, you’re simply not honoring the legacy of Mr. Frog to the fullest extent possible.
19. Too Legit for the Pit, Various Artists
20. Believers Never Die Volume Two, Fall Out Boy
21. Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You, Joe Pesci
How long do you think you could make a single joke? How long do you think you could commit that joke to music? At some point, in the crafting of this single joke, do you think you would question why you or anyone thought it was funny to begin with? Would it cause you to develop a finely-honed contempt for your prospective audience? How would that go if it became popular enough to perform live? Would this derail your plans in your new chosen livelihood? Would your album eventually find root in the irony-poisoned future and create a fandom that truly appreciated you, long after you stopped caring about that album’s performance? Who could say?
22. Angelic 2 the Core, Corey Feldman
(Note that this result does not contradict Emily's tournament answers - March Madness routinely shows us that upsets are not just possible, but often the likelier outcome than a top seed winning the entire thing.)
23. Rock'n Roll Gangster, Fieldy's Dreams
Perhaps I’m just a sicko, but I found aspects of this album to be higher quality than some of the entries on this list that precede it. There’s some solid production work, real hooks, and the choruses sound exactly what I would expect from a background member of Korn. However, it’s impossible to understate how rudimentary and laughable the work present in the verses is. The biggest issue with the infantile lyrics is that Fieldy genuinely seems at a loss for stuff to talk about over the course of the album. It’s as if he believed all rap subject matter solely consisted of drugs and women, and therefore it would be fairly simple to make 40 minutes worth of content. I don’t even like Korn, and hearing Jonathan Davis make an appearance on “Just for Now” made that the best track on the album by far. Lastly, there are 5 interlude tracks out of 17 total, and I can’t decide if that should be a jailable offense, or if it just dates this album’s recording to 2001 with laserlike precision. EDIT: Wikipedia says this was recorded in 2000, so I’m giving myself partial credit.
24. St. Anger, Metallica
25. Danzig Sings Elvis, Danzig
26. Funny Minions: TV and Movie Theme Remixes (Vol. 1), Funny Minions Guys
Back in high school, my extended family would all get together between Christmas and New Year’s Eve somewhere around Baltimore to celebrate the holidays. This tradition continued through college and into my adult life, and it eventually became basically the only time I saw any of my maternal-side cousins. The most distinct type of memory I have of this time is that it was an opportunity to see which type of late-Aughts internet content my relatives had veered off into, as these reunions tended to include a lot of sharing whatever we were enjoying lately. I’m sure this went both ways, but there were times that my cousins from one branch of the family would excitedly show me something, and it completely whiffed on making me feel anything but the discomfort of knowing a positive reaction was expected. Just like the snooty food critic eating a simple country dish in Ratatouille, this album hurled me through time to experience this sensation as if I was physically present inside my memory itself. In a way, it’s a perfect album for the nihilist nightmare that is the 2020s thus far. I’m grimly amused by the fact that the clips sung over by the Funny Minions guys are looping a snippet less than 30 seconds long, but not enough to actually enjoy it in any form. To debate the quality of this album is far beside the point. A much more interesting debate is whether this album actually exists, or if it’s a collective delusion manifested by an entire planet’s latent self-hatred, coalescing and manufacturing itself into this Platonic ideal of anti-parody. This is the way the world ends: not with a bang, but with a “banana”.
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