How much do you cling to the past, and how quickly do you move towards your future?

Hey gang,

It's surely been a tumultuous time for all of us right? Between everything being the absolute worst, and arguably the worst year in recent memory, we've all been struggling. I know personally, I've been fighting to keep my head above water, but I'm just about getting there, due to some important people in my life.

I'm also coming to a new chapter in my life, which is partly the reason why I wanted to write today (And also cause I just need to get all my thoughts out there, written down). Soon, I'm hoping to move to Japan to teach English. It's been a lifelong dream of mine for...shit, since I was 21, so...ten years ago? I remember when I first head about the idea of it at the time- moving to the other side of the world to teach. At the time, I was just getting into education, infact, I was spending 2 days a week at a local school, just doing some voluntary work- reading and just chatting with the kids. I realized that...this is what I wanna do in my life. I spent the next ten years building a reputation and portfolio of being a respected, dedicated figure in education. I taught from the South of the country to the North, in incredibly privileged areas, and incredibly destitute and "wanting" areas. Anyway, back to teaching abroad.

I always wanted to do it, but I could never really bring myself to make that plunge I guess? I thought about applying with my partner at the time, when I was 22 and she was 21, and I'd just finished university. To cut a long story short, she cheated, and that dream fell through. For the next 8 years, I would find myself grinding out teaching and TA jobs all over the place. At that time, teaching abroad simply wasn't an option for me. I wasn't good enough. I think the downfall of the relationship had deeper impact that I gave it credit for, and it kinda ruined my self esteem for...man, I dunno, probably over half a decade. I quietly contemplated life as I just...got on with things. I guess I was kind of miserable, but I never let it show in front of my kids. I was always 100% on with them, dedicated, and dare I say it, a little inspirational. I know in the last ten years, I've impacted so many lives, and I've helped so many young people move to great things. I'd probably argue that I was put on earth to teach.

So, last year, I applied to the "JET Programme", an international program ran by the Japanese government, with the intention of deploying English speaking people all across Japan, with the intention of starting grassroot programs, and raising the level of English all over Japan. It was a thrilling prospect. I don't know what changed, but I was finally at one with myself, I guess. I knew I had it in me, and I knew I was ready to make this step. Bear in mind, at this time, I was 30, and I'd never left the UK before (I still haven't!!). I figured that if I was going into something...I was going in two feet first, off the deep end, with my eyes closed.

I guess with the pre-amble over, I can get into the real intention of writing today, and that's the concept of living through your past, and how much you look towards the future. Now, at the moment, I'm in two minds:

• The first one is my life now, as it stands, in the UK. I'm largely miserable at work, as it's clear my school views me as disposable and expendable. I almost walked out of work yesterday, as one of my co-workers said something incredibly upsetting at how I'm (and I'm paraphrasing) "Not working hard enough, and not making enough of an impact to justify the money, so we need to assess your impact to make sure you're doing things right". I've worked this job for about 6/7 years now, and I know that I make a marked difference every day. I work hard, I commit to the children, and I care about what I do for a living. So why suddenly am I personally being targeted for an "Assessment of impact"? Why is no other member of staff facing the same scrutiny? It feels very unfair, and when I heard that I've been picked out for potential cuts, I was pretty devastated, when I think about how much I've sacrificed for that school.

However, there's the other side of my life: My friends. Since signing up to teach abroad, I have met some amazing, incredible, wonderful people. I feel extremely close to a select few, and honestly, they make the day worth getting through, knowing I can talk to them, and commiserate with them after a hard day at work. This is where the dichotomy of my life is tugging at me. I guess I don't want these times to end. For the first time in my life, I've finally found a real group of friends I care about and love. Every day I get to spend time with them, and talk with them is a day that I really treasure, and I mean that. We laugh, we learn, we cry together- honestly, everything I want out of friends. However, this is where the fear of the future comes in.

• I worry about the future, I guess. Something I've come to hate, but begrudgingly accept as I've got older is how hard it is to just...spend in person, face to face with your friends. Whether it's the fact that your lives just...go in different directions, or you have a family, or you have a job, or you live on opposite ends of the country, or Earth...it's tough. My best friend from college and I spent many MANY years, just the two of us against the world, he's now moved to Toronto. I haven't seen him in over a year now, and to be honest, I might not see him for a very long time.

Nowadays, I've made some extremely close friends, who I don't think I will ever get rid of. You know when you just meet "your people" and you think "Yeah, these are the ones"? It's been that. I guess I worry that life will catch up to me. I know that two of my best friends at the moment, who I'll be going to Japan with eventually, I'll make every effort to stay in contact with them, every day, as often as I can. I'll make the effort to see them, as often as I can, and have as many amazing, shared experiences with them as I can. I can't wait to share this next step of my life with such wonderful, amazing people. I spoke to one of them last night about us all staying close, and we agreed that we're just "in each others lives" and there's "No getting rid of them", which really meant a lot to me.

How do you guys feel about the ever pressing issue of time and tide waiting for no man? How do you "carry the weight" of your collective pasts, and how much do you look towards a brighter tomorrow (Which we all have, no matter what's going on in our lives). How do you find the time to keep in with with those you care about that aren't family? I'd love to have a discussion about how you keep in touch with the ones you care about most, and what you're going to continue to do.

It sounds like an exciting, scary time in your life. First, best of luck with the JET Programme, and it sounds like you have some really great friends.

I'm coming at this question from almost the exact opposite body of experience -- at 24, I've already moved absurd distances often. I went to school on the East Coast of the US, across the country from my hometown on the West Coast, and for a year abroad in the UK. Then, almost immediately after school, I worked in New York for a year, only to return to a great job opportunity near my hometown. So for better or worse, I am way too used to keeping in touch with people thousands of miles away. I moved away from my close friends in California, made other close friends in New York, then had to move away from those friends back to California. At 24, there is already no chance of maintaining close proximity to everyone I know, ha.

Maybe this is because me and my friends are all introverted internet gremlins, but we've kept in touch very well over Discord and texting. With both of my friend groups, we still did a lot together online -- chatting, watching movies, playing some games. None of us are financially capable of visiting each other often, if ever, and the pandemic has turned even my local friendships into mostly remote ones. But consistent, meaningful interaction does a lot for me, even if it's online.

Parts of not being in person suck -- for instance, I find things are a lot less spontaneous, no "hey do you wanna grab some food like right now" moments online, really. Yet on the other hand, a great part of moving to new places is the chance to choose who you want to keep in your life. When you move away, you keep in touch with the people who really matter to you -- and all the loose acquaintances, friends of friends who you don't really know but see from time to time, friends who aren't really friends kinda drift away. Who remains close to you is just a matter of conscious effort, and it sounds like you and yours are already making that effort, which is great.

There's also, I feel, an implicit question in your original post about career stuff/other life stuff and moves interfering with or disrupting those close ties you've made. You've chosen to work abroad, but you're weighing how that impacts your friendships, which is completely understandable. For me -- for better or worse -- I'll always pick the career stuff over staying in one spot. I am of no use to anyone if I'm unhappy where I am. The one time I let my relationships dictate where I moved or what career I pursued, I deeply regretted it. That's not to say I'll never settle down. At this point in my life, I'm just young, unattached, and have the luxury of dropping everything and moving when I need to. Later, when I have a spouse or a whole family even, I absolutely cannot just move willy-nilly anymore.

TL;DR With modern technology, I'm very happy with how well friendships can be maintained online. If there's an exciting opportunity elsewhere that I absolutely need to take, I know my friends will still be there with me.

Due to my own situation I can't really provide a positive example of staying in touch with people(Suffice it to say Ghosting is an an arms race). I guess what I can say is, that I've seen it as the people who are with me in my life, are those people. Everyone else is someone I might see again(Or not in some cases). People need to grow, and this sounds like a real opportunity. Speaking specifically to that, I recommend taking whatever transport options you can get if/when it can be done.

I think there is always some kind of regret involved in people parting, even if it only ever appears as a low-level, decades-late hum of "I wish I hadn't". The worst of it is that as time passes your own perspective will change and things will often mean something completely different to you at one time or another. Meaning that knowing how you feel about it today, is just the latest jelly bean on the trail you make. There will be more jelly beans. Others can tell of how best to maintain that which you take with you, I wanted to maybe just lay things out a bit broader. Really hope it happens for you.

Yeah as really I am bad with holding on. It takes even years for me to get over it. But need to do so. In order to move on there.

Obsessing over the future or past is a unhealthy road to go down. Meditation has helped me thinking in the present moment for many years and i still find it difficult.

It might seem simplistic but just focus on breathing in and out being in the present moment and apply that logic to everyday events by focusing on what you are doing instead of carrying the baggage of yourself with your to events.

For example; brushing your teeth or having a shower I usually let my mind wander on negative stuff in my past. But instead, i'm controlling my mind to think more about the interaction of the shower or brushing my teeth itself. This technique is common for dealing with anxiety/depression. If you're thinking about the function of what you're doing in the present your brain will have no time to think about irrelevant things in the past that you cannot control.

I'm still struggling with certain events from my past be those a job where I was a victim of a mobbing for almost 2 years before I finally cracked (still having a tough time with really trusting any of my bosses to treat me fair and as a human being)

I've also lost some of people who meant everything to me and that loss weighs heavily on me and I have to admit it affects my life.

As much as I try to focus on the future (which isn't looking all that too bright in 2020.) you can't change the past but past did change me. I do hope better days are just around the corner not just for me, but for all of us.

I'm really bad at it and have a pretty constant fixation on regrets from past and anxieties about the future. It's been especially terrible since coronavirus kicked off. I've gotten on some anti-anxiety medication which helps when things get really bad, but it doesn't feel like a great solution. I'm 26, but I only just feel like I started to figure out what kind of person I actually am after having a stick up my ass all through high school and college and never letting myself do anything fun or interesting that would have helped get it out. I'm constantly kicking myself for letting those opportunities to explore/experiment slip through my fingers. It didn't help that the last semester of law school, an environment where I had truly started to figure shit out, got truncated so abruptly by COVID and I got zero closure. Now I'm A Real Lawyer* (*bar results pending) with a 9-to-5 and bills to pay and a suit and tie I need to wear every day, and while the pay is good and I do get satisfaction from the work, it also feels unpleasantly claustrophobic and purgatorial. And the uptight/formal nature of the profession, which felt like a good fit back four years ago when I still had that massive stick up my ass, sure doesn't feel like it fits all that well anymore. I feel like most of my opportunities to continue to develop and learn about myself (particularly in areas like identity and style and presentation) have been snuffed out, which, uh...really sucks! As a result, looking toward the future is a pretty miserable exercise (one which I still constantly engage in because I'm a fool), since it feels like it's just gonna be a long corridor of the same sort of stuff forever, occasionally punctuated by inevitable horrific losses. It also sure doesn't help that there's a constant sense of impending doom hanging over everything thanks to it being The Year Of Our Lord 2020. Real cheerful shit, I know! I overstate my case a bit, because I have a tremendous network of friends, an amazing partner and a very good relationship with my family, but boy does the ol' brain love to fixate on the What Might Have Beens and The Worst Futures.

@sombre To whatever extent you care to hear the thoughts of a probably-depressed internet rando on your situation, if your friends are truly "the ones" as you put it, take heart that distance or time will never get between you guys. My best friend since middle school and I moved to opposite coasts of the United States after high school, so we can only keep in touch digitally. But because she's one of my "ones," we've still maintained incredibly close contact with each other, and when we get to see each other in person every few years it's like no time has passed at all. What's more, those visits have meant so much more to me than most of the memories from when we got to see each other constantly precisely because of their rarity. There's definitely a bitter-sweetness to it, but it's still quite wonderful.

I contrast, I don't really look back. I keep in touch with the guys from college and school but mostly stick with the close family. Frankly, the kid I was isn't worth knowing. I have so much more experience to draw on and talk slightly less bullshit.

I'm a uni drop-out who spent way too many years stagnating in unemployment. I can't regret that. I might've lost time to it but life is already long as fuck.