Rejoice Amico faithful! The prophecy of Tallarico has come to pass. Amico has spread across the globe like a pandemic of joy! The sun of Amico has risen to spread the light of happiness and the good word of the Prophet Tallarico to a population famished for family friendly co-op that only Amico can provide.

If you have paid attention to gaming at all the last week then thou knowest that the great and holy game Shark! Shark! was released to unprecedented acclaim and much rejoicing throughout the gaming world. Some haters and trolls have claimed that the release of an Amico exclusive on PC, Switch, Xbox, and Atari VCS heralds doom for the greatest console but of course nothing could be further from the truth.

The Prophet Tallarico left us with many clear and inarguable prophecies before ascending to the world of Backgammon. First among these was that Amico games could only be played on an Amico. We were gifted with this wisdom over and over, like a mantra, like the clear ring of truth sounding its clarion call above the sea of haters’ lies. That can mean only one thing. Every Xbox, every Switch, every PC that can run a game like Shark! Shark! is, in fact, an Amico. Amico has been with us all along, we just didn’t understand it. We weren’t wise enough. We got distracted by the excruciating wait for the still coming perfect Amico with its glorious controllers and brilliant LED light and did not see the Amicos that surrounded us this whole time.

All at once, with little fanfare from a humble company that has always underplayed its accomplishments and lived by the mantra of underpromising and overdelivering. The Amico doesn’t even have a release date and it has already been delivered to hundreds of millions of homes!

This also means that big companies like Nintendo, Microsoft, Ubisoft, and even Sony are making games for Amico. Since every PC is an Amico (if it can play Shark!Shark! it’s an Amico, that’s obviously true) that means that Horizon Forbidden West is coming to Amico, something that we could not have dreamed of when this project was first pitched!

Will the haters and doubters admit they were wrong? They never will. They just move the goal posts and lie about the best console that has ever been released. They complain when Amico sees a necessary price release because of the incredible technology used to make the best controller ever and a console with 40 separate LED lights to enchant gamers. Then they complain when their already owned hardware is refitted to become an Amico and provide access to the best and most popular games. They complain when a game that was being given away for free out of the goodness of Intellivision’s heart is called a best-selling premium game, and then complain when it is sold for a premium because “the price is too high.”

Haters will never be satisfied. They cannot be reasoned with, they do not respond to evidence, they are set in their hateful ways.

Now that Amico is out and in hundreds of millions of homes there will be no stopping this superconsole. Amico is the most powerful console on Earth and the most portable. Amico is built by independent mom and pop shops and also one of the biggest companies on earth. Amico is the home of Spider-Man and Starfield. It is the perfect entertainment machine.

The only question now is when Phil Spencer and Gabe Newell will start formally reporting directly to Phil Adam.

And remember, the haters will always be with us but they can be ignored. There is no time for hate when you are playing Shark! Shark! on your Amico! If a hater challenges you simply respond as brother Nick Richards would.

If a hater says “Amico wasn’t just supposed to be some games on Steam and Switch! It was supposed to be a console that people paid for!” say “Hater, I rebuke thee! Amico is the place to play the best and most popular games! Looks don’t matter! You will never be satisfied! Get thee to the Hater Dungeon!”

If a hater says “But the Amico games aren’t selling well” say “Hater, I rebuke thee! Get thee to the Hater Dungeon! You complain that the games are just a cash grab and then complain again when they do not grab cash! You will never be satisfied! Get thee to the Hater Dungeon!”

If a hater asks why people who bought the physical product NFT games can’t play them if Amico is out yet say “Hater, I rebuke thee! They can play whatever games are released! They just need to buy them again. Did you complain that you can’t play Metroid Prime on the Switch with a Gamecube disc? You will never be satisfied! Get thee to the Hater Dungeon!”

If a hater says “But if Switches are Amico doesn’t that mean that Amico has all the porn and rape games?” say “Hater, I rebuke thee! You will never be satisfied! Get thee to the Hater Dungeon!”

This is a time for joy in the Amico community and there is no space for haters or negativity! Amico has won the console war and nobody else even saw the shots fired! Now that the haters and doubters have been proved wrong we can move forward into a brave new world of entertainment. Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to play some Space Harrier in Yakuza 0 on my Xbox Amico!

Wow, it all makes sense now. Thank you for opening my eyes and your continued service.

I’m so fucking glad Alan Wake 2 is launching as an exclusive on every type of Amico. What a coup!

If I make a shadow puppet fish and a shadow puppet shark, am I an Amico? Is this like the cake thing?

Okay, but I remember when people were ACTUALLY saying this about the Ouya.

@undeadpool: In defense of the Ouya it did come out and even had a fair amount of software, but was ultimately killed by a combination of factors including piracy and a bad controller.

You can argue that it was doomed from the start and that might be true but at the very least their team worked hard to deliver what they promised and put out a credible product that just failed in the marketplace, as many products do.

Amico was not only a much worse idea for many reasons, but it took in like twice as much money and never actually produced a system. There are people still playing their Ouyas to this day. The only people who have Amicos are a few diehard shills.

So yeah it was kind of silly when the media did all those "will Ouya destroy the traditional console business?" stories, but in their defense at least it was a real thing.

Wow, what an amazing launch! Not since the heady days of the Sega Saturn has such a bold move been made, and it's so incredibly successful too! There might actually be close to a billion Amicos out there now, and that's a good start on the road to 3 billion!

I just wish they had been a bit harsher on the commandments, for instance Tales of Berseria is both in 3D AND lacks multiplayer, but I guess that gets grandfathered in now. Long live the new age of the Amico!

(@bigsocrates, this one might be your best yet, it's fantastic!)

Praise be — Finally, we are all Amicos under Tallarico! Tom bless us, everyone!
(so good. never stop amicoposting!)

It's amazing that VR wasn't even revealed as a feature for the Amico, but now that it's finally out it's easily the most powerful VR system available to consumers. I was even playing The Talos Principle VR on Amico earlier today, in anticipation for The Talos Principle II releasing on Amico later this year!

Apparently Shark Shark on Switch doesn't run at a particularly stable framerate, it doesn't really hit 30 FPS, and in news I thought would make you fail technical certification, the button to pause is B.

...I am at a loss for words

@cozmicaztaway: You are at a loss for words because it has been so long since you last saw true innovation in the video game space. Great games push the limits of their platform. Tears of the Kingdom does not hit a consistent 30 and neither does Shark! Shark! Does that mean that Shark! Shark! is as good or better than Tears of the Kingdom? Of course. It's got couch co-op!

And using the B button to pause is perfection. Grandma doesn't know what a plus button is but she can read a big B. Of course this would not have been necessary using the superior native Amico controller with its touch screen (which could say "pause" on it) but it's still better than any game you've ever played.

@bigsocrates: Oh, I never wanted to imply the Ouya was vaporware, I just think it was more the "No Man's Sky" of its time: was going to be a pretty fun/basic thing, and then the internet ran with it, and maybe the makers ran with it too because $$$$.

And I always remember when it came up on Homestar Runner, and that makes me laugh...