Remember? Net yaroze! 2/8

TwoLines

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Edited By TwoLines

The bar has been set dangerously low.
I'm not talking about games 1-11. No, those games were pretty good. In fact- it makes me think about some of the games I called awful before. Blitter Boy is pure gold (I'm not joking, it's actualy a decent game) compared to the shit we're about to witness here. People- I'm talking about the worst Net Yaroze games, this is going to get bad. Now- the last game I've 'reviewed' on the 1-11 list was named "Gas girl". It was about a young woman fighting aliens with her farts. Even that was better than what's coming.

#12
"Hover Racing"
We start off with something above avarage. Ever played F-Zero? Yeah, this game is a clone of that game. But that's not a bad thing, the game's really awesome. I was kind of

afraid to go on after I saw the 'help' menu, but what I've learned from Terra Incognita was that not every game SHOULD be translated into english. Or at least not by an automatic dictionairy.

Well, the game turned out to be addictive and had some good music. The graphics were pretty nice and I didn't get bored with it at all. There are some things that grind my gears though, like the fact that L1 makes you turn RIGHT and R1 makes you turn LEFT. Who thought this was a good idea? It's called Left 1 and Right 1, it's not like you can inverse the buttons. You can't expect this to feel natural to any living being on earth! The other thing is that picking a car somehow alters the difficulty. I'm not talking about the handling and

IT HAS MUSIC! Trust me, that's really something.

speed- but I'm talking about the A.I. This game was insanely hard with one hoover car, but very easy using another one. They wereen't even that different!

Best racing game so far.

#13
"Insects"
A pretty nice puzzle game. It's hard to explain the concept without seeing this game in motion.You controll a ladybug, and you have to get from point "A" to point "B" on the

"Insects" is a pretty good title, but you'd have to play through the whole game in one sitting. No, thank you.

map. Nothing new here- but the thing is, there are these scorpions that really like you. It's kind of weird actualy, they're trying to get as close to you as possible, and they pick the shortest route to do so. They don't kill you, they just get in your way. If they're far away, then they copy your movements, so you're using them to push blocks into the water, and solve other puzzles. The concept's nice, but the graphics are terrible.

But, hey, it's a Net Yaroze puzzle game, I wasn't expecting miracles. Somebody interested in puzzle games would enjoy "Insects", but not for a very long time. And since it doesn't use a password system, I doubt anyone would have the patience to play through the entire game in one sitting. Too bad, cause it's level design is pretty darn clever.

#14
"Nana Tan"

Remember that dark void on the edges of every road back in the 90's? Yeah, that sucked.

Most Net Yaroze games are not analog compatible. Which sucks, because if they were, then maybe the controlls in "Nana Tan" wouldn't suck ass! Well, it's not like this is the only thing that's bad with this title. This is a tank game. Okay, I'll admit, it's pretty hard to make a decent tank game, and doing so without the analog support is damn near impossible. So yeah, I gave up after ten minutes. It's pretty bad. It's your everyday shooter, but with broken controlls, and an empty void on the edges of the screen (that you may fall into) which is kind of ridiculous. No, thank you.

#15
"Cat Game"
So I said something about the analog support, guess what? This game doesn't even work with the 'analog' option on. Great, that means it's awesome I'm sure. Ladies and gentleman, our first abysmal game! *Claps slowly*. Okay, okay, settle down. Writing about it can't do this game justice, it's so bad, it's.. I can't express how bad it is. i'm stuck. I'll show you how it looks like:

It's 'horrable'. You think that's the stream, and you're suppose to catch the fish in the basket? Well, actualy, no. It's so absurd, it's hard to explain. The fish are falling through the stream to the bottom of the screen. If a fish touches the ground- you loose a life. Why? I.. I don't.. know. Now you're thinking- "Oh, so you move the basket? Catch the fish in the basket?" No. You can't move the basket. The fish bounce off of your head, and you have to bounce them in the direction of the basket. Ehh.. there's almost NO animation involved here. The cat just slides left and right, the fish barely move.. the horrendous music loops after 5 seconds, and the funniest thing is the game is preceded by three logos that take about thirdy seconds to disappear! Next game. . for the love of God, next game.

#16
"Tan Tank"
Sounds very much like Nana Tan doesn't it? Well, as I said before, it's actualy good. Well.. saying it's good is a little too generous. It can be enjoyed. Again though- analog

It looks pretty bad on the screenshot, but it looks even worse in the game!

support would do wonders to this title's controll scheme. Every button is used, L1 and R1 are used to turn the main gun left and right, L2 and R2 are used to deploy shield and fire homing missiles (The 'deploy shield' button has to be pressed at all times if you want the shield to work) X is used to fire the turret, square is used to fire the main gun.. well- you get my point. It's crazy. I'm not capable of using all these things at once. No human is. Or ever will be I'm afraid.

The graphics.. are bad. really bad. The music is nice, and it changes every 10 levels. There's something about this game that makes you go on, maybe it's the explosions, or maybe it's the fact, that you get better with time. You get familiar with the controlls, and start to kick ass. Still- I was unable to use the shield, and mostly I tried to keep the main gun centred, but maybe that's something that can be mastered as the game goes on. Sadly, it gets boring pretty fast. I've beaten 30 levels (29 to be exact) and got really tired of it. It was fun 'till then though, so I guess the game's not bad.

#17
"Columns"
Not much to say about this game. It's like tetris- but your main objective is to match colors of the falling blocks. I'm a fan of this type of game, so I guess I'm a little biased, and shouldn't be listened to when I say- this game's alright.

#18
"A Bob"

Hit the square button to cut off the manticore's wings! Oops, wrong game.

This is a weird one. You tap the square button to speed up your bobsled, then you race for a while, but instead of a finish line- there's a big ass ramp at the end. You fly into the air, get out of the bobsled, play a mini game that consists of pushing the combination of buttons that is presented to you at the top of the screen, you open your parachute and land. Can.. can you imagine all of this without the help of a screenshot? The controlls are shit. The only part of the game that you can actualy controll the bobsled are at the race, but they're so jiggery you're constantly hitting walls. Can't say much more about this one.

#19,20,21
"Cart" "Bom!" "RC Race"
So- we've only seen one bad game untill now. Why did I say we're at the bottom of the barrel? Middlesex University. Those are the people that made these three games. Fuck them. Fuck those people. Why? I get it, you wanted to train your programing skills, but for the love of our maker, why did you insist on sending this pile of shit to Sony? I've put them all together here. All in one family grave. Let's blast them to hell zusammen, shall we?
Cart:

I could show you many screenshots, you wouldn't understand even then. There are two ambulances, controlled by two players. It's pretty much a tag game variant- who has the light can acquire points, by touching the opponent, you acquire the light. the points are these geometric shapes in the middle of these big green hills. No music. No sound. The graphics? Yeah, a pretty ground texture resembling a blood splattered pavement. This game is bad.

Bom!

This game is even worse.
You can look at the screenshots. What am I saying? You're looking at the actual gameplay footage right there! If I don't press anything, this game looks like it was frozen. No animations. No- the flame on the lit fuse does not animate. Nothing animates.

The point of the game is tu run around and play the game of tag. The landscape is endless. And the start button resets the position of the two bombs. There's no music, no sound, you have to make up your own rules, count your points or measure time. All by yourself, cause the game doesn't have any of this stuff. Is it really a game though? Can this be called a game? Well, I guess. If the Magnavox Odyssey can be called a video game console, everything can be called avideo game.

Let's meet our next contestant:

RC Race

My God. This has to be the worst of them all. Okay, Bom! was worse. But this is pretty bad. Let's see.. It's a racing game. Again, calling it a game is a bit too much. It has some rules, a timer, a speed meter, so yeah, it's more of a game then Bom! But seriously, it doesn't have any music or sound effects, you know what, look at this:

Look at the draw distance! Everything is cut off by a big black wall- not only before you, but behind you too! This doesn't happen very often, most of the time the draw distance is better, and you're meant to fly through gates, yadda yadda yadda. I've lost my will to live.
Next game please.

#22
"Pushy 11b"

Our last game for today. And thank the Lord it is good. It is good, ladies and gentleman, it's actualy playable. Remember Sokoban? This is Sokoban. 100%. So, yeah, it's good,

(can't stress that enough, IT'S GOOD!), it has this awesome password system (passwords are people's names) and the graphics are pleasant. What else do you want? It's the perfect Sokoban game. The levels get more complex, I've came across these blocks that slide untill they hit something, and suprisingly, the level that introduced this, was really simple, so even someone who doesn't play games can take a swing at it.

More to come!

14 years ago