So. More words have been written on the subject of Ryan T. Davis in the past week than I could possibly read without taking a significant break from work. Almost all of these words have been written by people more betterer with words than me and a significant amount were written by people whom Ryan knew personally.

I can't hope to add anything significant to this force of words but I have one thing in common with every single person who has written about Ryan so far: Whether he knew them or not they feel like they lost one of their closest friends. With that in mind I'm going to try and put down on paper (well, fake paper) how I'm feeling and why I'll miss Ryan. This is more for my future benefit than anything else but please do read if you'd like. (Oh, I also can't draw or edit video or record music or do anything other than write this blog, but I'm gonna do the best I can)

So, after that lengthy and unnecessary preamble lets begin at the beginning...

I started listening to the HotSpot in 2005, pretty much when it started. Eight years ago. I was in school. Now I'm a teacher so...I still go to school every day but a profound journey has taken me from school and back to school in those eight years. Now, I don't know when Ryan's first HotSpot appearance was but I suspect I heard it. Which means that, on and off, I've listened to Ryan's voice for 90-180 minutes every single god damn week since 2005. When you experience a person that much, especially one whose on-air persona seems so close to their real one, you can't help but feel like you know them after eight years. You also can't help but be influenced by them.

I've grown up in the time I've been listening to Ryan, I've become an adult. Having Ryan and Jeff and co. talk into my ear every week for the formative years of my life has, in part, defined who I am as a person. Certainly anyone who knows me well knows that when I like a person, when I feel really comfortable with a person, I am rude, abrasive and acerbic. This seems, inevitably, a side effect of my exposure to the bomb crew who so delight in being frank and honest with each other. In fact, when I first introduced a close friend of mine to the bombcast I received a text a few days later asking me if I was actually Jeff Gerstmann. Early on I did get a lot of my personality from Jeff but in recent times I've developed an adoring love of dumb shit that I caught from Ryan's truly infectious enthusiasm for anything dumb.

I could go on to list my favorite Ryan moments but, honestly, that's been done by people with more time and a better memory than I have access to. Also, I don't have a single best Ryan moment. Over the years I've become so aware of who Ryan is as a person that dividing his life up into moments on camera just seems...to do him a disservice. Often watching a surreal or stupid situation unfold in a game or even in my life I'd wonder what Ryan would make of it. This would, inevitably, lead to much private mirth and is the reason I'm struggling to deal with Ryan's death. The reason I can't yet accept that he's gone.

Ryan's personality is so ingrained in my mind that to think he is gone forever is almost impossible, due to being busy at work I've actually developed a short backlog and still haven't listened to the last bombcast featuring Ryan. Every time the thought "Ryan Davis is dead" crosses my mind my brain immediately shouts "Don't be silly, Ryan is a constant, he can't go!" and the true feeling that comes with acceptance of the loss of someone important still eludes me. Don't get me wrong, I walked around on the days following the announcement holding back tears constantly and being unable to discuss the issue with people at work who just wouldn't understand.

One day, in the relatively distant future, it will hit me and I'll truly understand that Ryan is gone. But until then...he just isn't. I never thought that the death of a man I never met could affect me so profoundly but Ryan and the rest of the bomb crew have that effect on you. If one of my favorite musicians or movie makers died tomorrow I'd be sad but I wouldn't feel loss the same way I've felt it in this instance. The true genius of Ryan was his ability to make people who live thousands of miles away feel like his best friend. I emailed Ryan one time to make a totally unreasonable request that they involve themselves in the Video Game Art & Animation unit I was teaching at school. It was the kind of email that didn't even merit a response, I sent it because maybe, just maybe, they might be interested. Of course they weren't interested because they're very busy people with more important stuff to do. But Ryan still took the time to reply and outline exactly why it wasn't a good time of year and maybe I could email again during a quiet period. I took the hint and left it there but came away feeling like a total duder for getting a reply from one of my heroes.

Man...the last sentence of that paragraph made me tear up a bit...

I could go on but I'll leave it there. Goodbye Ryan. You have made an indelible impact on my life and I will never forget you or stop being influenced by you.

Most people hate Mondays but I hate Thursdays. Tomorrow I will hate Fridays :(