The 5 awards Giant Bomb got flatout wrong, and a staff challenge!

Jeff Gerstmann, Ryan Davis, Vinny Caravella, Brad Shoemaker, 'sup?  You're all awesome, but I've got a bone to pick with you guys.

Dubya approves this message.
Dubya approves this message.
Oh, it's on bitches!  2009 has arrived and now that I've made my case, it's time to start the criticism.  The gloves are off, the fists will fly, and I'm here to knock out some teeth!  I'm gonna go all Fils-Aime on your asses and start taking some fucking names!  It's 2009 and I'm coming in like a lion in heat!

As you know, Giant Bomb did an fairly extravagant, spectacular job with their totally expected and cliche year-end awards thing.  A bunch of awards were handed out, people cheered, jeered, drank and got drunk, and smoked and got high in the process.  Good times were had by all.  And for the record, I agree with many of the winners and nominees and respected some of the winners even if I disagreed with the decision personally... but there were some picks and non-picks that range from "Eh, those picks kinda suck." to "A retarded trout can make better picks!"  Giant Bomb can't be perfect all the time and I tend not to have the same tastes in games as the crew (and much of Giant Bomb in general) so disagreements are bound to happen.  But that doesn't mean I can't lash out at your choices and act like a twat in the process.  It pains me to do this because I'm likely to break rule #1 of the site, "Don't be a dick."  Oh well, I'll take the Jakob187 offense and claim to be an asshole.

So here's my big "Fuck you!" to the Giant Bomb staff and I swear, it's just a once a year thing... I'll make amends by sacrificing an animal of your choice.

Give World of Goo the praise it deserves, dammit!
Give World of Goo the praise it deserves, dammit!
5. Best Downloadable Game... World of Goo, anyone?

I chose World of Goo as my personal game of 2008 and I know it's an unconventional choice, so I'm not going to get in a hissy fit over its absence in the GOTY nominations or even the Best "Games-as-Art" Award, but you couldn't give it a spot in the Best Downloadable Game category?  Somebody had to play some Goo this year, right?  It rivals Braid among critics as the best downloadable of the year... yet couldn't give it a chance?  At least you picked Braid, the only other logical choice in the group, but to snub World of Goo is a travesty, a travesty I tells ya!

Wii Fit? Really? Really?
Wii Fit? Really? Really?
4. Wii Fit nominated for Best Wii-Only Game?

Yeah, the Wii lineup this year was pretty weaksauce, but how does Wii Fit beat out Blast Works, a game that scored (never was reviewed, Dalai... what were you smoking?) a full star higher?  Or Mario Kart Wii... even if it was only 3 stars in your opinion?  What about Wario Land: Shake It or even de Blob?  There are some other quality Wii-only titles to choose over Wii Fit, and probably even Animal Crossing for that matter.  I don't see how you can choose a "game" over a game.

3. Best Multiplayer Game snubbery.

There are two key problems with this list... no Brawl and no love for Rock Band 2.  The lack of Super Smash Bros. Brawl befuddles me.  Brawl is all about the multiplayer and is one of the most anticipated games for the Wii, and one of the best.  Having a multiplayer category sans Brawl is an incomplete list.  I would've made it the winner, but if I had to choose one from your list, Rock Band 2 sounds like the logical choice.  It's the ultimate party game as far as I'm concerned and except for maybe Left 4 Dead, I see no other options for Best Multiplayer Game... I'm confused with your choice for this award.

2. Crackdown and WarioWare nominated for 2008's 2007 Game of the Year... seriously?

2007 was a special year for games and very few people will dispute that, but of all the choices you made for the posthumous award, you chucked in two games that made me ask myself, "What the fuck?"  No offense to WarioWare and Crackdown, which are certainly good games, but do they really belong on that list?  If you had to fill your Wii quota, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption was the better game.  Even Zack & Wiki bested WarioWare, in my book.  And where's Crysis, Uncharted, and God of War II?  Then again, Banjo-Kazooie's nomination for 2008's 2008 GOTY is also an odd choice, in my opinion.  Perhaps you're a fan of the darkhorses.

The classic revival to end all classic revivals! The box art proves it.
The classic revival to end all classic revivals! The box art proves it.
1. Mega Man 9's absence in the Best Classic Revival category.

Here's the part where the -1 ratings fly in due to my choice of vocabulary and the direction of said vocabulary.  Jeff, Ryan, Vinny, Brad... love you guys and the site, and I mean no disrespect, but fuck you all!  Mega Man 9 is the clear choice and you can all eat shit!  Yes, there were quite a few good "classic" games, but Mega Man 9 is exactly what the series and the gaming world needed... old-school 8-bit side-scrolling at its finest.  I have no problems with the other nominees, but to deny Mega Man 9 the award and even the chance to win is ludicrous!  Your credibility on this subject is now only 1 notch above Soulja Boy's, and I don't know how he feels about Mega Man 9... I'm sure he'd laugh at how fucked up the graphics are and the old-ass music.

Mega Man 9's snub makes OJ facepalm.
Mega Man 9's snub makes OJ facepalm.
But I think I know why you didn't select Mega Man 9... you pussies couldn't beat the damn game!  Yeah, I'll admit it's a hard-ass game, but if I can beat Dr. Wily, anybody can.  So I submit to you, the Giant Bomb staff, a challenge that will test your skills and testicular fortitude.  I challenge all four of you to complete Mega Man 9 to its fullest!  Well... maybe not the Achievements, no sane person can pull off that crazy shit.  Just beat the damn game and conquer your inner demons.  Do you have the balls, Jeff?  Can your beard handle it, Ryan?  Now pound down a bag of Doritos, grab your controller of choice, and take out Dr. Wily for the 9th time!

Now that I've told off the staff and humiliated myself in front of tens of people, my ban shall come fairly swiftly and I expect townsfolk with pitchforks and torches to break down my door and burn me alive shouting, "Viva la Jeff!  Viva la Giant Bomb!".  If I'm banned, it was a pleasure being here... if not, see you next time and I promise to keep the forum Tourette's at a minimum in the new year.
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