Moonboot: The Movie
By dreamachine 1 Comments
From the up-and-coming Moonboot: The Movie Trilogy:
Born 'tween a Kit Kat wrapper and a Razzle mag, by the unholy union of people known only as Ma & Pa 1 rainy P'day morning many tadpoles ago. This is the story of the man you now know as Elektro Mike, a man on a mission! A mission to retrieve the last living ancestor of the original Moonboot fathers...Bod! Through hundreds of generations the bloodline had found its way to earth and the poor little bald bastard has been living a life on earth, completely oblivious to his true origin and destiny! Someday we will find him and return to our beautiful PUCE homeland.
But now back to me! Bod's time will come, in time, sometime, hopefully soon. Time.
Raised in the not so pwnderous Weston Supermare, young Mike (known by his friends as Mike) spent many a youthful lonely night blowing on his out of tune bassoon which he acquired when as a child when it was thrown through his bedroom window last 1 night sellotaped to a Cramlington copy of the 2001 Argos catalogue (Autumn edition) which he kept hidden from his parents as they hated all music with a passion. When not busy making secret sounds like a strangled platypus on crack, Iron Mike (as known as to his enemies) spent his time talking to moths that had wondered into his room and counting how many atoms he had in his pocket or taking to his only childhood friend JimmyP, a lonely pigeon he'd found in his garden who'd committed suicide by jumping off the roof of his house. He didn't get out much as you can tell, but what you couldn't tell was that MC Kool Murder G (as known by to people he heckled over MSN Messenger) suffered from a chronic form of "DazSimpsonitus", which turns him into a really annoying person but only when England win the Eurovision Song Contest.
As soon as the Elektro 1 was squeezed into this world he was handed his 1st cheap porno mag & was then hastily placed into the previously mentioned Kit Kat wrapper and whiksked away. Then when left alone, the evil night nurse Ethyl Acetate mistook him for the chicken out of Eraserhead and threw him into a microwave to be disposed of. But instead of exploding like a cock in an amateur Razzle reader’s wives face and dying in a horrid squishy mess, Michael was bestowed with special Elektro powers, including (but not limited to):
- The ability to look at CD's and instantly hear them inside his head and being able to project 2 little annoying dots on the screen at the cinema thank to his laser eyes!
- Can intercept radio waves from anything upto 3.2 kilometers away but is currently only able to pick up transmissions on the medium wave
- And by rubbing his hands (or any body part against another) together he can create a static field that makes his hair stand up!
One night our prepubescent pucillier had a dream, wherein he and the cast of Saved by the Bell went on a daytrip to meet Howard from the Halifax in Sunderland and although Howard did not show up someone far more tumescent did. For there stood on a stack pallets in front of Geordie Jeans on Holmeside was none other than the (seemily) evil Ethyl Acetate who revealed to him that she was his real birth mother and that Ma & Pa were of the devious Chinball Udders who had stolen him from inside her womb! Michael also learnt of the search for Bod, the last living ancestor of the original Moonboot fathers but maybe more importantly the search of Captain Steve Pucehawk, the only person capable of piloting the Starship Moonboot. He was also informed of the nature of his Elektro powers (he always wondered why his hair stuck up all the time) and of the magic of the Moonboot Bassoon which she had thrown through his window all those years ago. For it is the Moonboot Bassoon that has the power to unlock the mysterious ‘Starship Moonboot’ and when the mighty vessel is near it will start to play a special Moonboot medley of ‘Who Da Man’ by ‘Richard Blackwood’.
Waking up in a cold shivery static haired sweat, Michael knew this must be the truth, for he had always known deep down inside that he’d probably been adopted or found behind a skip or whatever but 1 way or the other that Ma & Pa weren’t his real parents, but now he knew! He left right after Sabrina the Teenage Witch and hitched a ride with a hairy trucker named Bertha and made the long trip from Weston Supermare to the northern unknowns of Sunderland.
After being dropped off at Stories Carpets next to Kwik Save at Castletown, Mary (as he’s now known on weekends to visiting foreign businessmen) decided to settle there and began searching for a place to stay. He managed to spend most nights indoors by pretending to be to be a foreign exchange student by going door-to-door and asking if he could film his stay there "For the lulz." Many people were baffled and bewildered by this and aptly declined, but C/Town was full of inbred idiots, someone was bound to put him up for a while. And lo and behold someone did. His 1st (and only) stay was with a family of reclusive meerkats by the name of Richard and Judy, he managed to stay with them for a good few months before Richard bashed Judy’s head in with his limited edition autographed Jim Davidson brick for having an affair with the coal man and was swiftly taken away by the RSPCA to be humanly put down, but not before the house was demolished the very same day due to an infestation of manbearpigs.
Alone and on the streets again, our protagonist sought shelter under the Razzle mag with which he had brought with him. But in a bizarre freak chance like the kind between a sewing machine and an umbrella on a dissecting table he met The Dirty Wild Toes, fresh from his daring Monopoly board game explosion that brought down the wolf enclosure at London Zoo where he’d spent his childhood years feeding on children that came too near the cage and speaking only in Grrr’s and howls. Despite only just meeting they hit it off and found out that they had much more than just being homeless and wet in C/Town (where the C stands for 6!). They realised that they were both searching for Bod and the illustrious Capp’n Pucehawk and for 1 reason or another together they opened the very 1st (and only) Moonboot Music store where Food Giant used to be.
After the huge success of Moonboot Music, Michael decided to sell the place and retire with the money to live a life of luxury and returned back to the search for Bod and Captain Pucehawk. Wild Toes decided to re-enter civilisation by getting a job at the deli stall in Morrisons which is exactly where Cappn Suthmeister and his newly found War Master, Steve Unit of Love were hiding from the dreaded Chinballians, but somewhere along the line one of our heroes had come in contact with the Udders and caught Udder Amnesia from them and passed it on to everyone one else thus wiping clean the slate of salvation. Was it the vile Blackbot and his pogo stick who more than occasionally visited the stall for his usual order of pallet and chips? Is he an udder in disguise? Who knew, but what was known was that the Chinballians had infiltrated our hero’s ranks and all seemed doomed.
Until 1 day, many moons later, everything just clicked together, the effects of the Uddernesia just wore off and our hero’s were back on track. Even though Pucemeister Suthawk had left the Wild Toes and Steve Unit back at the deli to pursue a career as the fire truck at Fulwell Fire Station and The Elektronic One had all but disappeared from the social radar but was found safely tucked up in bed with a cup of horlicks and a room full of used tissues. Together they rejoined forces and unearthed the Starship Moonboot and began the search for Bod, the last living ancestor of the original Moonboot fathers…
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