Hey guys. As you all know, Destiny is a weirdly frustrating game and I've been wanting to write my thoughts down about what the hell I think about it. So I wrote a short metaphorical story that puts most of it in perspective. Enjoy!
My Thoughts on Destiny
One day, Jesus comes down from heaven. Upon arriving, he explains in a sultry, dulcet tone "I know you guys know my previous work, but I came back because I want to open up a bitchin' restaurant". As you'd imagine, everybody loses their shit and you think to yourself, "I was not expecting that, but of course I'm gonna eat the shit out of whatever he makes." In the following months, you hear reports that Jesus just rented out prime real estate in San Francisco for his restaurant. You find out it's going to be a classy steakhouse. Can you imagine what a steak made by Jesus would taste like? Of course you can't, it would be mind-numbingly delicious and probably cure blindness. Another report highlights his choice to buy the most expensive grill available. Yet another that they got Paul McCartney, because fuck it, I don't know, Paul McCartney; it's all starting to sound pretty fantastic. You set up a reservation for day one.
Opening night roles around and you make your way to the restaurant. The building looks amazing, like nothing you've ever seen: there's a bunch of cool shit on the walls and everything looks super nice. It's obvious everyone that designed the place was a master in their field and they spared no expense. You're seated at a nice booth by an attentive waitstaff and you're pretty damn impressed. Then a waiter comes by and starts talking to you.
"Hi there, I'll be guiding your flavor experience this evening. I know you have a lot of questions, but I don't have time to answer them all now. We need to get a move on." He then begins a long monologue referencing things that aren't in the restaurant. It is obvious a lot of time was put into his little speech he was being forced to make, but it was even more obvious he had no idea what it all means. After he finishes he hands you a menu. You look down and see an elegantly printed menu with 3 steaks listed. "That's it?" You think to yourself, "well obviously they are trying to specialize in three totally amazing steaks and don't want to deal with anything else that might get in the way..." You ask your waiter what the difference between the steaks are. "Well" the waiter says "they're all effectively the same thing. This one has a little more fat, this one less gristle, this one has a golden fire-gun, but they're all basically the same."
You place your order and take some time to take the place in. It's a lot smaller than it looked when you walked in. You make special note that the music playing in the background is pretty great, but you're here for the main event: Jesus' bitchin' steak.
After a short wait you receive your steak. It's also a bit smaller than you thought it'd be; its not overly small, but it would hardly be called large. You also notice there are no sides, just a slab of meat sitting in the middle of the plate. You look at it closely and it's obvious someone put a lot of effort into the marinade and seasoning of the steak. You dip your finger in the juice pooling off of it. They marinaded the shit out of that steak for days on end and that marinade is transcendent. Lustily and after careful consideration, you take your first bite and...
Hrm...
Its a little overcooked. Not... bad, per se, the seasoning is great, but the steak... Just... Hrm. "Well," you think to yourself, "the middle is the juiciest part of any steak, let me continue through." Bite after bite tastes exactly the same; that expensive oven sure was thorough... Finally you finish the steak and you're underwhelmed. What happened? Who thought this would be a satisfying meal?
You're waiter comes by "oh, sir, you're not finished with your meal." "What?" you say, getting your hopes up. "You're steak experience hasn't even started yet," he says. This is it, of course this wasn't meant to be the full thing, not if Jesus made your meal. "See that gristle and fat? You're meal is just beginning." "What?" "Yeah, that's how you finish the meal. And for every piece of gristle you eat, there's an infinitesimally small chance you'll find an even better piece of steak you haven't tried yet." "That's stupid," you say, hopes crushed. "Well, if you're unhappy with the meal you can pay $20 dollars for another couple bites of another steak. If you buy two at the same time, we'll cut the price by a small amount." "But I didn't much care for the steak," You say, annoyed. "Aren't there any sides or appetizers?" "Well, sir, you can download an app that tells you about the different seasonings we put on our steaks as well as all of the sides we thought about including."
The waiter cheerily leaves your table and you start to hear other people talking from the other tables. One guy leans over to the table next to you and says " you know that Sous chef that left a while before the restaurant opened? My waiter told me he had all of these ideas for sides: garlic cheddar mashed potatoes, herb crusted green beans, the works. He even wanted Jesus to bless every meal. But he said Jesus told everyone to scrap the sides and to focus solely on the steak, so he left." "That was obviously a terrible decision" a lady at another table chimes in. "Of fucking course it is, but are you really going to tell Jesus that?" said the man. Suddenly the power goes out and your server tells you to leave but mention the codeword "Caterpillar" to the Maitre d on your way out so he won't spit on your shoes. On your way out you hear a muffled Paul McCartney singing to a burning trash can in an alleyway across the street.
Several days later, you read an article about how successful the opening night of Jesus' restaurant was. "We made, like, all of the money. It's obvious we have something here. We're going to open up a bunch more of these restaurants for like 10 years."
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