2020 was a soggy garbage fire that was both wet and hot, but not in an attractive or sexy way that I was hoping for. If the very concept of time can manifest itself into a physical construct, all 366 days from that year (fun fact, it was a leap year because the planet’s orbit deemed that the year needed to be extra longer because we live in a state of constant suffering by our own hubris) should be tossed into a trash compactor and then brought to a recycling plant so it can be made into boxes or whatever you do with recycled time. Like a lot of people, I had plans for 2020 that involved doing stuff and/or things, as well as exchanging money for goods and/or services. Then of course, things happened and before you knew it, my life was in my home and pants were an option. Fortunately, I found solace in digital entertainment, among other things. Some of these things were present prior to 2020, but I only found myself enjoying these things this year so don’t give me that “WeLL It WaSN’T frOM 2020” nonsense. I want none of it. So don’t do that. Don’t even type like that and in corporate that picture of Spongebob. Don’t even-no, no don’t even. Stop it. Also, some of these things may not even be video game related, so don’t even. Don’t. Even. Don’t...don’t. Where was I? Right. So instead of giving a proper “Top 10 Games of 2020” list as created by the many individuals here, I have managed to curate a top 10 of things that helped me get through the year that will forever go down as one that I have a valid excuse to not get anything done due to unforeseen circumstances, the year that was 2020. Let’s begin:

10. Pixel Puzzle Collection (Konami, Mobile)

“Oh my word”, you say as you lay upon your chaise lounge with the back of your hand resting on your forehead in a state of exhausted forlorn. “A mobile game from Konami on your list? I do declare your statement be one of audaciousness”. Well lay upon your comforted seat and accept it, because it was a pleasant distraction to say the very least. I like Nintendo’s Picross games, and Konami games of yore. So logically, a free-to-play version with hundreds of puzzles to solve is an absolute no-brainer. I am long past the stinging pain that was Konami’s near abandonment of the video game industry barring a few minute exceptions, but it was a strange surprise that Konami even allowed this game to exist. They are acknowledging their own past, and while they aren’t exactly capitalizing on it, it’s nice to know they remembered it. I mean, they included a reference to Monster Maulers (quick shout out to the 3 other people here on this site that knows about Monster Maulers, you know who you are). Thank you Pixel Puzzle Collection, for guiding me through mid-April into late May. May you one day allow Konami to to give people what they truly want; Sunset Riders in Game Room.

9. Pointless purchases from the Internet (Cinco, The Internette)

When you are bored, the mind does wander quite a bit. Idle hands are the Devil’s plaything, and the Devil will use your hands for sinning. What is the definition of sinning? Best not ask, this is a family website full of law-abiding God-fearing folk. With nowhere to go and nothing to do, I needed incentives to keep myself motivated, so I did what any individual with rationale and understanding does; buy random crap from the Internet sporadically and schedule them to appear randomly throughout the year. My stratagem in this scenario was to reward myself, and to ensure that I was never the wiser, I made the purchases late at night and deleted any tracking info, to cover my own tracks. Some of my purchases include a box of Micro Machines, Smith & Wesson throwing daggers, a Blue Yeti microphone, a Giant Bomb tracksuit preorder (do I get credit for making a shameless plug because I’m asking for a friend), a kalimba, among other things. It was like Christmas throughout the year, even though I do not celebrate Christmas, and this year was not at all merry or happy by any circumstance.

8. Ring Fit Adventure (Nintendo, Nintendo Switch

)If you have been sitting and reading my list so far, please do yourself a favor and get out of your seat to do some quick stretches. I can wait. ………………Pretty good with the stretching, don’t hyperextend or you’ll experience soreness, and no one likes to get sore (unless that’s your thing, then, well…rock on I guess).…………………Okay, great job. Remember to engage in some variant of physical exertion throughout the day, as a sedentary lifestyle is not at all healthy. While you are at it, drink some water to keep hydrated. If you haven’t already done that, do it now. Now then, Ring Fit Adventure. I bought this game a while back, prior to when the world decided that humanity should take a time out. Having revisited the wonderful world of Ring Fit, I can see what the appeal truly was in this game. While my experience with the game was in half hour intervals, I found myself eager to keep playing, but also remembering my limitations and the concern of overexerting myself. Nintendo knocked this game out of the park in creating what an exercise game should be; not an exercise game. In the dark age of Kinect and Wii motion games, fitness games hardly disguised themselves as games, and would just feel like you’re working out to your mom’s old Taebo VHS tape. By having Ring Fit play more like an RPG, with specific exercises acting with their own “element” in combat with attack powers, it encourages the player to strategize not only what works well in combat, but also what works in a proper exercise regimen. It makes sense why this game skyrocketed in price, it’s a fun, rewarding game that’s meant to help. It also makes you hate deep squats with a violent and virulent passion. Oh sure, it does a great deal of damage, but my knees and thighs hate me afterwards, and I like my knees and thighs. They help me move the lower part of my body and guide me to places.

7. Yakuza Kiwami 2 (Sega, PC version [also available on XB1, XSX, PS4, PS5])

By now you are getting irrational at the idea that there has not been a game from 2020 on this list, well here’s a technicality. Yakuza Kiwami 2 is playable on the Playstation 5, and Xbox Series X or S, and since those video game consoles came out in 2020, that means Yakuza Kiwami 2 was released in 2020. So there, quit your bellyaching and let’s move forward in this relationship, as my ex used to say. Yakuza Kiwami 2 is a terrific follow-up to the otherwise difficult to enjoy Yakuza Kiwami 1 (which was satisfying to finish in a sense that I do not have to play any more of that game). Kazuma Kiryu has returned and has his eyes set on Ryuji Goda, a ruthless mastermind who wants to orchestrate an all-out war between the Tojo Clan and the Omi Alliance. Along the way Kiryu meets up with detective Karou Sayama from the Osaka P.D., who is investigating the Tojo Clan’s affairs. What follows is a white-knuckle adventure through Kamurocho and Sotenbori as Kiryu has to contend with the likes of hostess club management, bare knuckle brawling, Virtua Fighter 2, a guy who defecates himself in a public bathroom, a voice acting gig, panty thieves, appeasing Haruka by going out to restaurants, fighting legendary New Japan Pro Wrestlers Riki Choshu and Genichiro Tenryu, some other New Japan wrestler scrubs like Okada and Tanahashi (two men who are clearly not the future of New Japan like Master Wato), hustling imposters, old martial arts ladies, and much more. Oh and there’s a plot about two yakuza factions waging an all out war for domination of Japan but ehh, let’s talk about Goro Majima. Yo, he’s Kiryu’s true bestie in this game. Sure they fought and it almost led to legitimate bloodshed in an entirely different story, but he accepts Kiryu-chan’s aid in Majima Construction, managing a hostess club, and just being a swell friend when you need him to be. Speaking of, there is a Majima saga that is separate to the Kiryu storyline, which explores what everyone’s favorite one-eyed mad dog has been doing between Kiwami 1 and 2, and fills in an important story arc dating back to Yakuza 0. Finally the best part of this game is the fact that there is no slot car racing, and if you are a person who enjoyed the Yakuza minigame of slot car racing, I want you to stop reading this countdown. Read this supplement on visiting a local farm instead, it’s a great way to support local businesses (which are vital in these uncertain times) and you can enjoy proper farm-to-table viddles. In addition, maybe a visit to a farm will give you the clarity you need to not like terrible minigames. [https://www.localharvest.org/organic-farms/visiting.html]

6. Super Mario 3D All-Stars (Nintendo, Switch)

2020 marked the 35th anniversary of Super Mario Bros., and Nintendo marked this monumental occasion to offer to its loyal fans the limited opportunity to buy a game before it vanishes into the aether like your plans to take that dream vacation in another country. A celebration of Mario’s endeavors into the third dimension are provided to you on the Nintendo Switch, featuring two of the most incredible Mario games ever to be made, and Super Mario Sunshine is included as well. Travel back to 1996, when your impressionable mind thought Nicholas Cage was the next Hollywood action star, with Super Mario 64. This game was groundbreaking for its time, introducing gameplay elements that have become the norm by today’s standards; from 3D open environments to camera controls. Experience a waggle-free gaming experience from 2007, when you were uncertain whether or not this iPhone concept was worth investing into, with Super Mario Galaxy. One of the highest-rated Wii games of all time, Galaxy excels with a beautifully orchestrated soundtrack and level designs that are wonderfully crafted. Finally, take a trip back to 2002, when you thought a draft was inevitable given the state of the world, with Super Mario Sunshine. It sucks. Oh my goodness this game sucks. I hate this game, I played it back when I had it on the Gamecube and it sucks then, and it sucks now. The controls are frustrating, the music is forgettable, the levels are just designed poorly, what is Bowser Jr.’s relationship to Peach, why does Yoshi dissolve in water, just the idea that someone could suggest a video series where a group of people play Super Mario Sunshine with a metagame that involves a candy dispenser, it all sucks. Nintendo should have discounted the game by a third for a version that has Super Mario Sunshine removed. I hate it. Hate is a strong word but in the context that involves Super Mario Sunshine it is justifiable. Now then, onto the top five!

5. Crossword Puzzles (Arthur Wynne, Assuming Everywhere)

Since the dawn of civilization, when humanity was bestowed an untouched gift of knowledge, our predecessors would etch into various surfaces that would one day leave a longstanding impression on our history amidst this planet. Then someone came along in the early 20th century and thought, “what if I could make a clever word puzzle out of it?”, and along came crossword puzzles. For well over a century, crossword puzzles were a source of both education and entertainment in many newspapers. For those who are too young to remember newspapers, they were these sheets of paper that contained news that happened prior to publication, imagine a Twitter feed that’s eight hours late and occasionally had non-sexual Garfield comics spliced in-between. On a personal level, I have received numerous local ad flyers that often included a crossword puzzle, and for kicks I would then spend my afternoon solving them as a means of passing the time in-between waiting for work emails. Throughout the year, I began to notice the recurring patterns in crossword layouts. For instance, I know the opposite of WSW is going to be ENE, don’t try to fool me crossword creator, I know your game all too well. I still show great interest in crossword puzzles and plan on solving more of them in the following year, I will however not do the New York Times crosswords because I’m not some philanthropist who can afford a NYT subscription, or drinks coffee out of hand crafted mugs or lives in a comfortable colonial 3 bed-2 bath. I do not do crosswords for socialites, only crosswords for the working man.

4. Casual Walking ([AUTHOR’S NOTE: I do not know who or what created walking, probably some fish lizard creature from a primordial pool of some kind?], Horizontal Surfaces)

Isolation is enough to make a person’s mind wander. After spending countless days locked away in one’s own environment, even with a plethora of entertainment to keep an individual occupied with enough visual stimuli to last for several years, it’s too much. Since I kind of abandoned my car because where in the world am I going in these trying times, I needed to do something to ensure that there is life outside of my window. As it turns out, just taking a walk was just what I needed. It was quite remarkable that in the time that I stopped driving a car to work, I have walked a greater distance than I have driven all year. Granted I still need to drive for errands and such, but I have opted to walk more frequently instead. That’s good for me and the environment. Now this is obviously going to get controversial among some because I have included an action that some may not consider as a form of entertainment, and to that I say this. Slow Television. If you do not know what this is, it’s a type of programming made popular by the Norweigans in the late 2000’s where they show unedited longform programming of mundane activities or events. It should not be entertainment per se, yet somehow it became as such. I know this is entering a “is hot dog a sandwich” territory, but it is best to declare that walking is entertainment. So take a walk, this is not an insult, this is a mere suggestion.

3. Animal Crossing: New Horizons (Nintendo,Switch)

Everyone remembers their first kiss, or their first job after college, or even their first attempt at forging an ID to buy cigarettes with the intent to sell individually around the side of the local watering hole. Now let me tell you that Animal Crossing is my first escapism from 2020, because we all need to mentally depart from 2020, and you have to start with something. Animal Crossing: New Horizons is the same pleasant experience one would have from the previous iterations, but with some new twists on the nearly two-decade old franchise. Your new home is not some landlocked locale, but rather an inauspicious island, teeming with nearly limitless creativity and comfort. Your role is to live the simplistic life by designing your home to fit your style, terraform the island to make it how you want it to appear, befriend an ensemble of villagers that you will either love to be with or demand to kick out because they’re not cute enough, and gather all the bugs, fish and fossils to donate to the local museum. It’s all what you have come to expect with Animal Crossing games, but I feel it is imperative that I speak openly about one of the game’s most notorious characters: Tom Nook. Okay, let’s get one thing straight, I know you read some listicle nonsense that reads something like “WHY TOM NOOK IS EVIL CAPITALISM AND WHY HE SUCKS” and you have it drilled in your head that he’s the second coming of whatever evil monster of history Tom Nook is meant to be, but hear me out...he ain’t bad. Let me explain before you interrupt me because I can tell you are poised to make an argument. Tom Nook, he gives you an island package, right? For starters, he gives you a house with no down payment. Do you have to pay for it? No, you don’t have to, you can enjoy your little house and be comfortable with that. Tom Nook isn’t coming by with the motivation to foreclose on your house and kick you out because you did not miss your required payment. If you pay back the loan, he gives you an extension to your house, which takes a day to have done. I’ve seen extensions take several months, but in one day is remarkable. Let’s drop the cynicism towards Tom Nook, okay? Be adults, unless you are under the legal age, then become an adult.

2. Plants vs. Zombies 2 (EA/Popcap, Mobile)

Do you ever take a moment to gloss over what you have played in your past and then come to the startling revelation that it took over a significant portion of your time without you ever noticing? Allow me to talk about my hopeless timesink of Plants vs. Zombies 2. The sequel to the original Plants vs. Zombies made its debut all the way back in the unassuming year of 2013. Everyone was listening to Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky”, the Xbox One was a colossal pre-launch disaster, and you could sit inside a fully occupied movie theater to watch Man of Steel, and EA released Plants vs. Zombies 2 exclusively to mobile devices. Upon launch it was criticized for its means of gatekeeping plants through in-app purchases, and made the process of unlocking new areas a trudging mess by way of cooldown timers. However in the last few years they overhauled the way you can play the game, added many new plants to your collection, and made playing the game more accessible by giving the player all the areas unlocked and plenty of in-game money to start, with no cooldown whatsoever. As an added treat, there are several different game modes from multiplayer to weekly challenges to encourage a change of pace from the standard single player mode. For those who may not know what Plants vs. Zombies was originally, its gameplay is that of any tower defense game, only it’s defending five rows from a roving gang of zombies. Your means of protecting yourself are plants, each one with their own strengths and strategies. In under an hour you can easily understand what plants do what, and evaluate what you need to bring in to the level to maximize zombie devastation. From spring to late autumn, Plants vs. Zombies 2 was my distraction during Zoom call staff meetings to announce annual budget reports that hold no intrinsic value to my department whatsoever. I know there is a stigma about mobile games (please refer to no. 10 entry because I dare not repeat myself, be adults, unless you are under the legal age, then become an adult) but I happen to enjoy my time playing this from early spring to late autumn, when I got to the highest rank in multiplayer and decided I did all I needed to do in the game. I will probably end up returning to Plants vs. Zombies 2 in some capacity, but I got a lot on my plate that I would rather finish up. It’s not a “goodbye”, but more of a “if my Switch needs recharging because I’m playing Wrestling Revolution until the batteries are dead and I need something else to play while I’m watching old David Letterman compilation clips on my computer, you’ll do”.

1. Hades (Supergiant, PC (also on Switch)

I have a soft spot for rogue-likes/lites/look I don’t care what variant they are called by video game analysts, it’s the procedural generated games, got it? I have put over 1,100 hours into Binding of Isaac because I was in a good place mentally and was incapable of buying a new video card due to a serious lack of funding. I have devoted at least a hundred hours on Enter the Gungeon on PC via Steam and Switch equally, because I cannot stress this enough, I was in a good place mentally. I played a good amount of Spelunky and Risk of Rain because, and say it with me on the beats. I. Was. In. A. Good. Place. Mentally. Very good. I like randomness, I like when there are new changes and challenges, except this year when the changes and challenges have locked me inside four walls for the last 10 months and made me furious with every news story that pops up in my feed. But no game has made randomness feel more fun and dynamic quite like Supergiant Games’ Hades. Playing as Zagreus, son of Hades and underworld God of Rebirth* *(cannot confirm, Wikipedia says so but I have my doubts), you have to defy your father’s name and make a mad dash straight out of the Underworld to breach the surface of Greece. In your way are damned souls and entities recruited by Hades to drag your rendered body back to Tartarus. Throughout your journey, you can select your starting weapon that works best for you, and along the way obtain boons from friendly gods and goddesses who want to see you triumph over your stubborn pops, which makes the combat in the game flourish in a scintillating way. Once you beat the game properly, you can unlock Pacts of Punishment, and set difficulty parameters to tweak the game and make it as hard as you want it to be, and it can get real hard depending on what you set. You can really make Hades nuts. Hades nuts? Say it out loud. I’ll wait. …

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Ahem, beyond the combat, there is a lot to behold in this game, from the wonderful soundtrack that fits the game perfectly (with two songs performed at Abbey Road, where some old jabronis from the 50’s made music in England), some of the best voice acting I have heard in recent memory, and characters throughout that have personalities that fit the Greek mythos wonderfully. Aside from a couple issues like the depiction of Dionysus being a muscular yet cool cat despite the fact he’s often been described as a flabby and lazy god may seem like a slight nitpicking, but nonetheless I still enjoy the game. I think Hades has done a phenomenal job at restoring my affinity for Greek mythology in video games after God of War did nothing but take it and use it as a backdrop for a violent rampage. So with that in mind, it is with great honor to award Hades as the best thing to keep me distracted from the constant displeasure and problematic year that was 2020.

The list is now over, get up, stretch, get a snack, do whatevs. I’m not your parent/guardian.