Games I Own That Go Against My Conscience

Bad games are bad games, no matter how you slice them, but sometimes it's precisely because of their mediocrity that they're still worth buying anyway. That's what this list is for, compiling games I know I probably shouldn't own, but have acquired anyway precisely because of their dubiously infamous reputation. It's a road that takes me even further down the path of insanity than I was already on.

List items

  • I got a copy of the Japanese version recently, mostly because the subtitle for that is actually "Real Battle on Film." The game itself is functional, but that's about the highest compliment I can ever hope to pay it. The controls are still Street Fighter-like, but the ebb and flow of battles is pretty janky, due in part to the minute amounts of animation that the characters themselves get. Really, it's a game you owe yourself to avoid.

  • The only reason to ever own a copy of this game is due to the hilariously bad dialog it got in its localized form. Not only that, but the English voice actors almost always say what's on the screen. The gameplay itself isn't anything special, but the writing and voice acting, as I once said in a thread title, is "a bastion of eloquence."

  • I bought the Japanese version of this game for 50 yen out of sheer morbid curiosity; I just knew in my heart that a remake of Kurosawa's iconic film set halfheartedly in the future wasn't going to turn out well. I still have yet to play it as of this writing, but other reviews for the game don't exactly deny my suspicions, either.

  • It was on sale at Newegg for $10. I bought it despite playing the 360 game and experiencing its mediocrity in all its glory. OH GOOD GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

  • Heavenly Guardian isn't so much a bad game as it is irrelevant in these times. I read on the GB wiki that it's apparently meant to be a spiritual successor to the Pocky & Rocky games, a series which, while never having actually played any of them, seemed very much so like products of their time. Heavenly Guardian upholds those same problems and as a result feels as though it doesn't belong at all. The game fails to recognize that analog sticks have more than 8 directions these days, the level, enemy, and weapon designs are uninspired, and to top it all off, the game doesn't save your progress through the levels. It saves your high scores, but no, not your progress. That'd take way too much of a toll on a PS2 memory.

  • I ended up acquiring all three Burger King games for about $6 a few years ago while on a random shopping spree at GameStop. This one was probably my least favorite, although that's probably not saying a whole lot about the other ones anyway.

  • See the entry on Big Bumpin' for the backstory on how I acquired this game. Much like the other games, there probably isn't a whole lot I can say that justifies this game's existence, but at the very least, I don't recall it being completely broken.

  • If memory serves, this one was what I thought to be the least janky and botched game out of a series of advergames that more or less takes bride in being those two things. By no means was it fantastic, but I do remember spending a few hours actually playing it to entertain one of my best friends. Funky stuff.

  • As an atheist, I am almost certainly not this game's target audience from a religious standpoint. The copious amounts of Bible quotes you can pick up off the ground that masquerade as power-ups don't do much more than elicit a shrug from me here and there. However, it's the poor, halfhearted attempts at stealing the magic of Super Mario 2's gameplay for itself that also make me not the target audience for this game as an actual gamer (read: somebody with critical thinking skills). Bible Adventures does nothing particular well and that's when parts of it, such as the animation systems, aren't breaking apart at the seams while you're playing it. My high school friends and I spent a lot of time enjoying the ironically to kill time during free periods, something I apparently wanted to relive in buying a copy of this game for $10. By no means should that indicate I somehow condone this game, though, since that's hardly the case.