During my years playing video games, the reason for my enthusiasm in games have all varied. And as much as I callt it simply a hobby, there's something more to it all. An underlying reason why games of all things seem to compell me to spend my time there as opposed to doing other things. That isn't necessarily to say I don't do other things, obviously I do, but they too seem to factor into this overarching narrative of how I function.

In the early days of my interest in gaming it was probably partially envy of other kids owning consoles that made me want one. It was that toy that the spoiled kids had and you only really experienced it in limited quanitites. Once my dream came true, I was spending a lot of time trying to figure out the games but probably stuck to the games that were the most obvious mechanically. I still remember some 8-bit games that I could never figure out the point of. But I had a lot of fun, but it was just one of the many toys in my arsenal.

As time passed, a lot of the other toys were put aside. I grew out of them. But games remained a constant interest. Spending nights at a friend's house playing Shadowrun. I can still feel the atmosphere of that game. It was hard, but we figured out the mechanics and made our progress through that cyberpunk universe. At this point, I never rationalized games as a hobby, just something I enjoyed. I didn't identify myself as being particularly knowledgable on the subject.

Eventually though, games became more and more a central focal point of my life. I began putting my own money toward games and I was spending more times researching what games to get and what was coming soon. I had finally made it my own hobby. But dark waters were lurking around the corner and life threw me a couple of curveballs.

At that time, games gave me an outlet. Something to have fun with and talk to friends about. Along with music, it gave me a shield to put around me. And characters to identify with. When Snake in a raspy voice tells Meryl "Other people just complicate my life. I don't like to get involved." and Meryl replied with "You're a sad, lonely man." -- I understood Snake. I felt rejected by the world and I had turned against it. But, being a introvert teenager, I did that with a sense of melancholy and introvert tendencies. And he wasn't the first character to speak to me and tell me I wasn't alone in my world view.

But, as with all people, you grow out of your teenage angst (hopefully) and you go about your life. So you keep up with games as a hobby but with a different perspective in some sense. Though as time has passed, I have begun to question my reasons for gaming as of late. I realized pretty recently that part of the reason I enjoy games is they give me a chance to shut off my brain. As I own one of those brains that constantly analyze things. Think about things and my inner dialogue is ever present. Even writing this I am contemplating a ton of life defining things. And I am always aware of what's going on. I am self-aware to the point of contemplating how I walk when I walk.

It's probably why I enjoy focused tasks. Such as art or games. It gives a focused outlet that keep me somewhat mentally relaxed because I am using so much of my brain focusing on the task instead of thoughts.

Problem is as of late that sometimes I feel like I am playing a game out of habit instead of out of joy. Sort of like how some days I go into the grocery store and buy candy because I think that's what I want. Even though I don't. Habit. Games have become yet another one of my habits that fulfill some form of role in my overall habits but even though some of them offer great adventures and true awe inspiring experiences, I could probably do away with at least half the game time and games and spend my time elsewhere. Going to the gym has truly given me a completely new way to look at it all. The gym takes up around 2 or 3 hours with commute to gym, showers and eating. And that's 5 days per week.

Another funny thing is time management. I can play games for 3 hours straight and then vallow in dread over folding laundry because it feels like it will take all the time in the world even though it will probably take no more than 30 minutes. That's 1/6th the time I played games and yet the game time felt like 5 minutes. That's probably the downside to being able to use games as a means to turn off your brain. You give yourself a vacation and no one wants to return to work Monday morning.