FYI, Cards Against Humanity is back in stock on Amazon after a several month hiatus, as are all the expansions. I spent the evening with my cousins playing a rousing game of Space Team (which now supports up to eight people) followed by some absurd Cards Against Humanity offensiveness. It was a laugh riot, to say the very least.

Today's is a classic but an good one for the Youtube: Duck Tales' moon theme, the most Mega Man song out of all of 'em. Nice work, Capcom. I don't envy the guy who is going to have to remix this song for the new Duck Tales Remastered game. Talk about an impossible task!

For tonight, we have the holy triforce of NES beat-em-ups: the Double Dragon series!

Double Dragon

A little background

Everybody knows Double Dragon. An arcade hit turned NES hit, it was released by Tradewest on the NES in June of 1988. In the original promotional material for the game, the now iconic Billy and Jimmy were known as Hammer and Spike (ok...), so that's a fun fact.

For those who somehow missed the memo: Double Dragon is a beat-em-up game. Some like to think of it as the beat-em-up game, the one that made them popular and gave us such classics as the Simpsons arcade game and even more modern interpretations like Castle Crashers. For me personally, Golden Axe and Streets of Rage 2 on the Genesis were my first introduction to that genre, but I still played a good deal of Double Dragon in my youth, as well as in college.

People often falsely declare the genre "outdated," while I personally think games like Castle Crashers are taking the popular idea that started the whole thing (beat up a lot of dudes in awesome ways) and modernizing it, but that's a conversation for another time. Also, Double Dragon NEON is awesome, and IGN is stupid. But considering how completely wrong they've been about other games, it isn't surprising.

First impressions last forever

Yeah, time for some Double Dragon! Hey wait, I picked two player, but there's only one life bar...oh, right. This game's two-player is just switching off characters, Super Mario Bros style. Sorry, wife, looks like you have to wait for me to die.

The controls feel solid, with the kick and punch packing a lot of...well, punch (hur hur), and great "smacking" sound effect. You also can jump and kick, and you feel in control. The graphics aren't half bad either, and I like the opening cutscene of your lady getting punched in the stomach. Not because I'm sexist, but because it just...happens. With no background. And then the story begins. Great!

But as I played further...

Man, the lack of two player is really bumming me out, but the game is still a good deal of fun. I let out a cheer at the first Abobo sighting, and ran up the elevator railings and glitched through the floor like everybody should. For a one-player beat-em-up it isn't half bad, but the fun with these games is two player, so I'll still harp on that. The only two-player mode is some VS combat fighting game thing that sucks. They can keep it.

Also, on a side note, my cartridge is like super glitchy. The colors kept changing, the screen kept flickering, and it froze twice. Time to break out the Q-Tips and Windex...

So what's the conclusion?

Double Dragon is still a solid, fun beat-em-up. What I really like about this game (and its sequel, which we'll cover next) is how balanced the game feels. Yeah, it's tricky and you'll die a decent amount, but you can always get pretty far before screwing up and going down. Or having your cartridge freeze.

It still has my one really big complaint for all these types of games: the insta-"falling down a hole"-death. Having full health and accidentally stepping too far down is so frustrating. Urgh, I'm getting mad just thinking about it!

Regardless, Double Dragon is a lot of (single player) fun. It's also pricey, around $13 these days.

Double Dragon II: The Revenge

A little background

After the runaway success of the first Double Dragon game, Akklaim bought up the franchise and pumped out a sequel. While the arcade game...exists, I think most people remember the NES version of this game. AS THEY SHOULD, because it's easily the best beat-em-up on the system, coming out in January of 1990. I guess that's a bit of a biased opinion before even getting to the review, but you know what? DEAL WITH IT.

I don't want to give any more background. So I'm just gonna play this game, ok?

First impressions last forever

Yeah, actual two-player action! Just don't pick "Game B," because then you can hit each other.

This game is iconic as balls. The first major change is the controls. Rather than have one button kick and the other punch, now buttons are a direction of attacking. A will always attack to the right, and B to the left. If you're facing the direction of the attack you'll punch, and if not you'll do a back kick. With one swell foop, Double Dragon II fixed the big problem with these types of games: getting surrounded and getting attacked from behind. Brilliant.

But as I played further...

This game is a freaking blast! I even love the awful engrish and corny cutscenes. "G-R-A-S-P!"

The game is also quite fair. After beating each stage your life gets refilled, and while you don't get an absurd number of lives like in Double Dragon 1, three each is more than enough for a two-player game.

This game also has a lot of really cool places. From the streets to the rooftops, the inside of a chopper to an undersee lab, Double Dragon II goes all over the place. The graphics look quite good, and the controls and sound effects are solid.

So what's the conclusion?

Double Dragon II is easily the best in the series, and still stands up today as one of the best beat-em-up games I can think of. It's never unfair (except maybe that one room where you step out of the door onto a conveyor belt that tosses you into a pit...), plays great, looks great, sounds great, and is an absolute kick co-op. Get it? "Kick?" Because...you get it.

This is an essential game for any NES collector. Seriously. It's just...so good. With so many people trying to revive this game (including the absolutely offensively bad XBLA Double Dragon II game that just came out...seriously, don't buy it), it's crazy that this sequel is still the absolute best.Carts are a bit cheaper than the first game, but not by much. Usually $10-15.

Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones

A little background

Man, why is that picture blurry? I swear my phone just decides when a picture is going to be good or crap on its own accord. Or it knew Double Dragon III's legacy...

Yeah, so after II drop-kicked us in the face with how awesome it was, we get this game, released on the NES in February 1991 and called Double Dragon III: The Rosetta Stone in Japan, though I prefer to call it Double Dragon III: The One They Screwed Up.

Without going into too much detail, this game flopped pretty bad, essentially killing the series (though they did make the Battletoads crossover game) and got scathing reviews. Which is weird...how could they screw up Double Dragon? Just...do II again but with new stuff, right? How is that hard?

First impressions last forever

This game actually gives a pretty good first impression. The cutscenes are sort of cool, and the game looks really good. The combat seems to be taken from Double Dragon instead of II, meaning bi-directional hits are out, but whatever. There's actually like a plot too, that seems ripped right out of an old kung-fu movie. How could this go bad?

But as I played further...

Two words: one life. That's it. You get one life, and no continues. Once that life bar is gone, the game is over. Game Over screen and everything. Vamoosh. Start from the beginning. Balls.

Compounded on that is the new enemy AI, which is cheatersville. It seems they realized that the option to hit both ways is gone now, so they intentionally surround you and get you hit-locked. As a bonus, whenever anybody new shows up off screen, their opening attack is a jump-kick, which you can't dodge if you're locked in a combo punching somebody. So you'll take a hit (either from the kicker, or from disengaging the guy you are currently beating the spittle out of) and down your single life goes. Ugh.

I'd comment on length or levels or something, but I honestly can't beat the first level. I seem to remember getting to the end of level 2 at some point (the game at least fills up your life after each level), but never beyond that.

So what's the conclusion?

Double Dragon III: A Festering Suckfest isn't worth your time or attention. It seriously sucks that, after the greatness of the second game, they somehow messed this up so much it's worse than even the first game! You may think I'm being too hard on this game, but seriously: it's Battletoads level of frustration here. And at least Battletoads had continues. I'd rather play Battletoads than this game, seriously. The most painful games are the ones that we really want to be good (and have a pedigree behind them) but just don't cut it (Final Fantasy XIII, I'm lookin' at you too). Double Dragon III isn't worth your time or money. Just stick with number two.

Copies are the same price as the rest of 'em, usually around $13.