I have a killer migraine today, but the reviews must go on!

I probably have a migraine because I had to play Bart vs the Space Mutants, but we'll save that for the forthcoming review.

In other news, if you aren't listening to this guy yet, you should be. Right now. I'll wait.

(The Simpsons) Bart vs the Space Mutants

A little background

I'll be open and admit this upfront: I haven't watched much of The Simpsons. It's not that I don't enjoy it or anything, I just...never got around to it. I've seen maybe two seasons and a few random episodes, but I'm certainly not well versed like most people I know (who quote it and then get offended when I don't know what they're talking about. Shut up, you!)

Anyway, released in February of 1991, Bart vs the Space Mutants holds the title of being the first Simpsons game ever created. As the 90s were heading off and Bart was pretty much what every kid wanted to be, it made sense it would star him. Acclaim and Ocean published, while Imagineering made it. Imagineering would go on to create other classics like Family Feud on the NES and ports of Ikari Warriors on the Atari. Basically, they never made anything good.

First impressions last forever

The intro is actually not bad. I'm familiar enough with The Simpsons to recognize the theme song, and while they look a bit...off while sitting on the famous couch, it's close enough. Bart says "Eat My Shorts" whenever you die, which I guess is kind of funny. It is annoying that you have to watch the whole intro every time you boot up the cart, and the aliens look...well, like NES aliens would, but it's in a sharp contract with the usually cartoony nature of The Simpsons.

But as I played further...

This game is atrocious, and might be the worst game I've played so far in my collection. Graphical style (as mentioned before with the aliens) is so inconsistant it almost makes you not notice the graphics are just bad overall. Almost. Anything that isn't a traditional Simpsons character looks like they stole it from another NES game and just tacked it in here. Ick.

The goal of the game is to get rid of all purple objects in any way possible. Spray paint them, drop cloths from a clothesline to cover them, all sorts of weird ideas. It is kind of like Hitman in that you have multiple ways you have to look at a situation only...Hitman is good. This isn't.

The controls are...tolerable, but the game feels broken. Bart can only take two hits and he's gone, starting the whole level over (and dying completely requires you to rewatch the opening movie). It's mostly just a slow, imprecise trudge forward, with cheap hits and deaths.

But the worst part is the platforms, as in you never know what can or can't be jumped on. Even in the first level, there's a windowsill I can jump on, and an identical one right next to it that I can't. Why is this?

So what's the conclusion?

Bart vs the Space Mutants is a horrendous game. While I suppose it isn't "broken" per say, it is completely bereft of anything resembling fun, and the bad graphics and sound don't help. I guess some people might have nostalgia for the game (it was apparently a best seller), but if you see it in the store I suggest you give it a pass.

Copies usually are around $10.

Batman (The Video Game)

A little background

Batman was a movie tie-in with the Tim Burton movie of the same name, and was made and published by Sunsoft in February of 1990. Most people who collect retro games have at least heard of Sunsoft, mostly because they made Baster Master. They're pretty famous for having completely inconsistant game quality, but usually they have two constants: great music, and are really hard.

First impressions last forever

This is a good looking game, and also it sounds good too. The opening cutscene with the batmobile is straight up kickass, with the music being a sinister tone that matches the films.

I like that Batman has subweapons, but the default punch is just called "Batman." I'll Batman the hell out of you...with my fists!

But as I played further...

Batman is a fantastic NES game. It's like a hybrid between Ninja Gaiden and other action platformers on the NES (Shatterhand, etc.). Batman collects ammo for his various bat-gear, with the ammo being universal but the amount used depending on which weapon you prefer. There's even a "bat gun" (though the batarang is still the best).

Batman's other tricks include wall jumping ala Ninja Gaiden, which at first is just used for shortcuts but later becomes very tricky and necessary. The controls are rock solid and the wide collection of weapons never makes you feel underarmed. The game also looks great.

My only complaint is the game is quite a challenge. While the first set of levels (and boss) might not be too hard, after that the challenge bat-punches you in the face. Beating the Joker is a true sign of gamer prowess.

So what's the conclusion?

Batman is one of my favorite action platformers on the NES, easily edging out the unfair Ninja Gaiden games. The music rocks, the graphics are fantastic, it has killer atmosphere and the game has a good mix of challenge and control. While I will admit it does get unfair near the end, it's still an extremely solid NES game and if you like action platformers, it should be in your library.

Plus, it's freaking Batman, so there's reason enough. Copies are pretty plentiful, and usually around $5-10.

Battletoads

A little background

Everybody knows Rareware (or just "Rare" now). They're a fan favorite for many people, and they dabbled in just about every single genre known to man over their career. While one might debate the quality of their games (they're usually technologically competent have good music, and have extremely mediocre game design), there's no denying they have a solid place in everyone's collective nostalgia's.

Battletoads popped out in June of 1991, after Snake Rattle N' Roll. It's become sort of a running gag that a "new Battletoads game" is in development, resulting in prank calls to Gamestops and fake mock-ups of the game all over the place. I guess, if anything, that's this game's legacy: fake threats of rebooting.

First impressions last forever

The game looks quite good, with an excellent opening cutscene and smooth animation. The controls are a little loose but I don't mind; I like that the toads move fast rather than the sluggish walk of traditional beat-em-ups like Double Dragon. One of my favorite parts is when you land a combo, the finish move transforms the final strike into a massive punch or giant boot kick. It's pretty amusing!

But as I played further...

Battletoads feels...off. The first level is fine, but once you hit level two and have to try to descend down into the pit, the game gets a bit unfair. And don't even get me started on the hover-cycle level; infamously stuck in everyone's mind as one of the most trial-and-error, level memorization messes in NES history.

Playing the game co-op also has its own slew of problems. Not only can you hit each other, but if one person dies then both have to continue, and the player who didn't die doesn't get his life restored.

But the worst part is, if in co-op, there's a game breaking bug in one of the later levels that renders the game completely unbeatable. In a time before patches, this means it's never been fixed. Lovely.

So what's the conclusion?

Battletoads...isn't very good. Even while games like Double Dragon are simple and short, at least they're beatable and still fun with friends. Battletoads has a great first level, but after that the bad design really kills the deal. It's too bad; this game does a lot of things right (great graphics, music, and level variety to name a few), but on the fundamentals it cut a few corners, and the game hurts because of it. While you may have good nostalgia for it, this isn't really a game worth replaying, especially considering the number of better beat-em-ups on the system.

It's usually around $10-15, as people seem to think it's worth something.