Ducktales.

Wait, that's not how it goes. But who gives a shit? It's DuckTales, and it's been remastered! Or maybe it's been unmastered. It's difficult to say, largely because of the unique position this game occupies. I'm honestly having a hard time thinking of any game quite like DuckTales Remastered. And that's not necessarily a good thing. This game may very well be the only fun game I've played that isn't very good. Strange, right? How can a game with such dense levels and that stupidly fun pogo feature not be good? Well, how about contextualizing that with all the horrors of colonialism, and then completely ignoring the word "horrors"? Because that usually does it.

To be fair, I can at least understand what they were going for. WayForward was trying to make this game feel as much like the cartoon as they could, and in a lot of ways, it works out for the best. I mean, just look at the game. You see that squishy, non-threatening, cartoony art style? It brings so much life to the game. It gives the characters so much personality. Well, at least when they're not moving or generally interacting with each other. Otherwise, things tend to get wonky. Not because of the writing or the voice work or-actually, yea, the voice work's part of the problem. Not the quality, mind you (it's actually really, really good), but more in how it doesn't sync up to the characters' mouth movements. Instead, you just see Scrooge stare daggers at Launchpad and then hear Scrooge's voice berate him, like he's thinking really loudly in his direction. And then his line ends, and he's contended for as long as he isn't speaking, because animations don't persist between lines. It's a little jarring, to say the least. Fortunately, you get used to the canned animations over time, so they don't do a whole lot to fuck up that Saturday morning cartoon atmosphere that works out so damn well.

Sadly, it doesn't work out in the one place that counts: the actual story. The year is...I don't know. The place? Apparently, an America where everybody's morphed into animals, somehow. Herein we find Scrooge McDuck, an obscenely rich duck who, after being robbed of pretty much nothing, decides to roam the world in search of shit to steal. And that's pretty much the entire story: Scrooge swiping every jewel in sight because he's a greedy asshole. The game never punishes him for these actions, or even points them out as wrong. I'd say that's out of ignorance, but if anything, it's more out of a sense of approval. Perfect example: the Amazon. I'll go into more detail later, but the gameplay involves pogo-jumping through jungles until that begins generating profit. Somehow, this results in Scrooge leveling an entire goddamn city. The people living in the area surround the bastard, and...start thanking him for it? And in eloquent British accents? What? Are we just going to ignore the environmental destruction we've caused? Apparently, because the level ends after that, and nobody pays any of this a second thought.

So let's review, class. What is the game telling us? That it's perfectly fine to invade a foreign land and rob them of their natural resources just because you want more power, even if you're already quite powerful and don't necessarily need any more. And don't you worry about the people living in these areas, because they don't mind at all. They hold no value toward the things you're taking from them. In fact, they'd be more than grateful if you could just turn their thriving home land into a dangerous mine (or just completely level it and the land all around it). Now isn't that the kind of lesson you want to teach your kids? Of course not! What a horrible world view for a game to espouse! It doesn't get much better, either, since all the principal characters are white. And the title implies that DuckTales is a fugitive slave who has been returned to a life of horrible slavery. And there's a dog butler called Ducksworth (he probably didn't pick that name himself, did he?).

Of course, for all the bad associated with the story, it does serve at least one important function: giving meaning to the gameplay. But let me get this out of the way first: yes, you can swim in the vault. Anyway, most of the gameplay revolves around finding treasure hidden all about the level to increase your score. Why would you want to increase your score? Other than leaderboards and maybe some weak unlockables, I don't know. This is where the story comes in. No longer am I collecting shiny bits because I'm an easily distracted idiot; now I'm doing it because it's what the character I'm controlling would've done anyway. I know it sounds like a minor thing, but that's precisely why it works: the game gets even the little things right. Hooray for consistent world design!

Not that I necessarily needed motivation to dig out all that treasure; it's fun enough on its own. Those diamonds and rubies aren't.....OK, they are left out in the open. Sort of. DuckTales does make an attempt to hide the treasure, but it doesn't take very long for you to figure out where the goodies are. Usually, it's in the space before you move onto the next screen or in a tiny square alcove you wouldn't go to otherwise or something like that. Then again, this doesn't change how much you'll be exploring these levels. You're still gonna comb over every last inch of the area, searching out money and figuring out the most efficient way to make a ton of cash. Without said cash, you'd probably just rush straight to the end of the level, and that's no fun, is it? OK, pogo-cane make it fun, but not as fun as it would be otherwise. With treasures abound, there's a level of purpose and strategy and meaningful interaction that wouldn't otherwise be in the game.

The boss battles would come pretty close, though. Holy shit, do they come close. Remember that part about the treasure being hidden in plain sight? Well, the boss patterns tend to be simple and easily predicted! If it's not a preset pattern you can figure out on the first try, it's a lightly randomized attack you've some time to react to. But remember how that predictability didn't negatively impact the overall quality of the experience for the treasure? Same thing with the boss battles. They're still gonna demand a lot of your attention and they're still pretty challenging. Strange how it feels like the developers took the easy way out, but you feel like your time's well spent, regardless. Let that stand as a testament to the overall quality of the gameplay.

So overall, DuckTales is a fun experience. But is it a good one? Well, that depends. If you can ignore the set-up and focus on the frantic yet almost methodical gameplay, then sure, I'd heartily recommend this game. Then again, it's incredibly difficult to ignore the story when it enables so much about the gameplay. I like that the story contextualizes what is essentially a score-based system, but not if that context is "cartoon Congo". Maybe WayForward should've rebooted DarkWing Duck instead. At least that game isn't a colonial nightmare. Just an existential one.

Review Synopsis

• What could be more fun than bouncing around levels in search of cash?
• How about those boss battles?....OK, not really. They're still good, though.
• Just so long as you ignore the part where the rich guy invades countries to steal their material wealth for pretty much no reason.

Well, that settles it: ducks are assholes.

Well, this is thoroughly confusing, isn't it? Maui Mallard is the result of....I'm not even sure, really. Disney decided that they should....something, and then this game appeared. Then it disappeared just as quickly, leaving in its wake a veritable litany of unaddressed questions. What were the thought processes that birthed this entity? What are my goals in this game? Why does the Bridal March play during the ending? What's the connection between ducks, ninjas, and vague voodoo whatevers? And does any of this interfere with the solid (if slow) platformer that's lying underneath?

I imagine part of that has to do with how hard the game makes it to figure out just what's going on. It all starts with a title screen that looks like somebody hacked Magnum PI together with The Great Gatsby. Let that preface just what the fuck we're dealing with. We then cut to Donald Duck exploring a haunted mansion before he decides that decrepit ruins are worth more of his time. Also, he's a ninja. For some unexplained reason. Are you getting a feel for what kind of game this is? Because I sure as hell didn't. There's little in the way of a cohesive atmosphere and world design other than the random ideas it decided to combine together, and, again, this only opens up a lot of questions that the game fails to answer. It only serves to distract from the game's more notable accomplishments.

Like the...weird nature of the game? OK, so I've already established that it doesn't work out that well from a narrative perspective, but once you actually start playing through these oddities, it's the complete opposite. Rather than try to piece things together so that they make sense, you're just waiting in anticipation of whatever new experience the game has to offer you. Why are you shooting a frog to kill enemies when you have a gun that's easily capable of doing the same thing? Who cares about the logic that brought you here when you're playing through a self-inflicted game of cat and mouse? And who cares if a witch doctor shrunk you down just for the hell of it, or if you're now engaged in gladiatorial combat? You're gonna want to keep playing this game just to see what other dumb shit the game has to offer you.

Of course, those are only small incidents within the larger game. How does the larger game hold up? OK, I guess. Outside those strange little episodes, you get some very thoughtful, deliberate level design. It's never really a lot; usually, the game provides you with a skill of some type (like "navigate this bouncy rope passage), and you're just supposed to do it. Still, the game's designed with some appreciable respect for the player and you feel like you're accomplishing something with these challenges. (There are also some goofy-fun bonus stages, but I can't give them too much credit, since the reward's just the passwords you need, anyway.) I really only have two complaints. First, the controls could be better. They feel imprecise and sticky, meaning it takes time to get used to controlling Donald Duck.

More important, though, is the pacing. All that cool, crazy stuff I mentioned before? All the slow and purposeful level design? That's not happening for a while. If you want any of that, you're just gonna have to grit your teeth and endure some mundane levels first. And it's not like there are many other redeeming factors to carry you through those dull levels. Combat? Ha! You only get a gun with useless upgrades and a staff that's reminiscent more of a sloppy bar fight than of precise ninjutsu. The graphics?.....OK, I'll give you that. The game's an absolute joy to look at, whether it's the richly detailed levels or the richly detailed animations.

But is that enough to balance out the problems that Maui Mallard opens up with? Well, that depends on what kind of person you are. If you're pressed for time and want that good game hit as soon as possible, scroll up for the game that will sate your gaming addictions. But if you're like me and willing to wade through mediocrity in search of a well thought out, underappreciated gem, then you'll probably find something to enjoy about this strange SNES platformer. Also, you're probably trying to figure out whether you should start dating cat ladies or finally give MMOs a try, but that's neither here nor there.

Review Synopsis

• This game really knows what made platformers from that era work so well.
• Too bad it took so long to figure that out.
• Until then, hope you enjoy maui duck ninja zombie flapper pasta.