Something went wrong. Try again later

Video_Game_King

So is my status going to update soon, or will it pretend that my Twitter account hasn't existed for about a month?

36563 59080 830 928
Forum Posts Wiki Points Following Followers

The blog that everyone (apparently) wanted.

By Video_Game_King 22 Comments


No Caption Provided

Goldeneye 007

( Yes, it turns out that there are people who wanted me to play this game again.) I remember people making a big deal out of it either in my SpongeBob blog, where I also played the newer Goldeneye, or my Half-Life 2 blog, where people may have brought that up to write off my complaints about the game. (Remember that; it's gonna be important later.) I'm too lazy to check, however, because who gives a shit? Somebody out there gave me an excuse to play Goldeneye again, and yes, it's still pretty cool.
 
But let's just get to the major problem with this game: it looks like shit. Not the environments, which look kinda decent (if you ignore the jello water in some levels), but the characters. What the hell, Rare? You guys were known for making great looking games like Banjo Kazooie, every Donkey Kong Country ever, and Conker's Bad Fur Day. Why do the characters look like mannequins with blurry photos glued on what I'm guessing was their faces? Speaking of faces, why do some of the characters look like they had their teeth smashed in (just be glad that I can't find any pictures of that)? It's really hard to view Natalya as attractive when she's bashing her malformed fists against nearby computers to stop the Goldeneye satellite from destroying London. I guess that's one thing the Wii version has on this game: a fuckable Natalya. (Looks would have prevented me from immediately killing Natalya in every level that wasn't Jungle. ( Yes, you can totally do this.)) Then again, the N64 version beats it in story. Granted, they're exactly the same, but there's something about the N64 version that's just easier to take in. (I'll try to cut back on the comparisons after this paragraph.) Maybe it's the all-text approach, or the file size limits that bring down the amount of text you're expected to digest,  or maybe it's even the optional briefings that actually add quite a bit to the experience. I'll go with that last one, mainly because it actually makes you feel like Bond when you hear Q babbling on about your watch laser or when Moneypenny adds absolutely nothing. I'll also throw in villain motivations, because bankers? Seriously? Give me something reasonable, like the N64's country betrayal or how James doesn't.... go out...clubbing like....he.....Damn it.
 
 Though promises of perennial love, yet sing here in my heart...
 Though promises of perennial love, yet sing here in my heart...
But those aren't really the reasons why I like Goldeneye. Why do I like the game? Simple: it knows that you want to shoot the hell out of everything, and mostly designs around that. Just look at the weapon roster: you have your standard pistol/grenade/Duracell battery that fires bullets combo, but like any good FPS, you have to look at the unique weapons. What other shooters allow you to throw knives at people, or turn laser pointers into deadly weapons (SCI-FI GAMES DO NOT COUNT)? Or drive a tank? Hell, you can even dual wield some of those weapons (I'll figure out a way to dual wield tanks, just you wait). I'm not sure what tactical advantage it provides (is there a tactical advantage to blowing through your ammo like Scarface?), but damn it, I still love dual wielding, since, again, it allows me to plow through levels like I'm playing Contra. Wait, that's not right. In Contra, when you killed an enemy, they just fell to the floor and died; in Goldeneye, they can do all sorts of cool things, like choke on their blood or hold their stomach. How the hell did Rare manage to implement localized damage? They couldn't fit in decent AI (enemies can't shoot across gaps or at Natalya (most of the time)), but they could find enough room to make hits to the knees mean little to nothing? Not that it matters or anything; usually, you'll be using the auto-aim, since this is a console FPS and everything...that controls oddly well. I don't have to explain that, do I?
 
Then again, I should probably explain that there's more to this game than just shooting everybody until the game ends. In fact, there are some levels where you have to stealth your way around, like the other Goldeneye? Shit. That game's more faithful than I gave it credit for. For example, remember how in the Wii version, failing stealth would lead to a glorious shoot-out? Same thing here, only far more punishing. First off, the few stealth missions in the game give you a pretty limited arsenal, meaning that your best source of ammo will be digging bullets out of your chest. Second, let's assume that you've killed an enemy and managed to nab their deadly Duracell. Now the tables have turned in your favor, since every enemy carries them, right? Well, unless you're sniping all of your foes, you'd be just as stealthy if you decided to kill everything with a Roman candle. Trust me, you do not want to alert the guards, because they just don't stop coming. I know that I said the game's designed for shooting guys, but there's a limit to how many you can handle when all you have are throwing knives and a karate chop. Oh, and did I mention that there are no health refills? Plenty of armor to be had, but no health refills. Now you can see why it took me so long to get through the Bunker.
 
 That's not a suicide bomber; Rare just loves explosions way too much.
 That's not a suicide bomber; Rare just loves explosions way too much.
Part of it may be due to the extra objectives. Part of it. Remember how I said that you mostly shoot your way through the game? Well, in addition to that, you also have to explode certain things and not other things (difficult when the entire world is made of gunpowder), grab certain items, meet with specific ugly characters, etc. You'd think that this would interfere with all the shooting you do in the game, but oddly enough, it doesn't. The objectives are easier to achieve than they sound, so they end up adding just enough variety to flesh out the glorious shoot-fest that is Goldeneye. The only major complaint I have is the level design. Who the hell decided to make some of the levels ridiculously open-ended? Grand Theft Auto was still one digit away from introducing sandbox gaming to the world, so you probably should have waited. As is, the more open-ended levels are pretty hard to navigate, even with a map in hand. Over time, they even turn the beloved shooting into a chore, since, again, enemies just don't stop coming. Fortunately, the more linear levels, like St. Petersburg (both the park and the tank playground) and the Facility (remember that for later), manage to find a decent balance between linearity and open-endedness that really brings out all those things I said before.
 
Oh, and there's multiplayer. You'd think that this would be one of the few times where I'd comment on the multiplayer, given that I've owned the game for years and have many a fond memory lasering the hell out of anybody I could find, but sadly, it is not to be, kinda. I didn't play the multiplayer for this blog, and it's been a long time since I've played it. I remember it being pretty cool, having tons of cool maps, weapons, and weird-ass cheats available for use (what is DK Mode, again?). All I can definitively say is that for whatever reason, Facility is the only map I've ever seen people play. It was Nuketown before Call of Duty was even shooting Nazis. Oh, and don't think that this is only because I've played this game with the same group of people for a long time; many months ago, I decided to play Goldeneye with a new group of people, and I also decided to play something other than Facility. The results? People yelled at me for choosing Caverns, and we all went back to peeking out of the vents in the bathroom and blasting each other with lasers. Good times were had by all.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Obviously, this game hasn't aged well graphically, which probably explains why it's the only game to be filmed in Nintendovision.
  • How does the single player fit in a bunch of bad tropes (useless AI partner, forced stealth, etc.) yet still manage to be decent? Guns.
  • Has anybody ever played on anything other than Facility?
 
 
 
 
You guys wanted gay music videos, right? I think I remember hearing somebody demand that back in my Tactics Ogre blog.
  
  

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

( OK, what the fuck?) Why am I playing something that's somewhat relevant? Well, remember how Half-Life 2 maybe made me play Goldeneye 007? Well, the Half-Life series is pretty good at getting me to replay old games, because people yelled at me for liking Ocarina of Time in my Half-Life blog...even though I never even mentioned the damn game, at least in the blog itself. Wait, I just realized something: I played Ocarina of Time because of Half-Life, and a minor joke in my Half-Life 2 blog made me wax nostalgic for Majroa's Mask. Does that mean Episode One will make me play Twilight Princess or something? I hope so, because I'm really liking these Zelda experiences.
 
Logically, I shouldn't tell you about the story, since everybody knows what Ocarina of Time is about: a child in a green tunic must grow up and stab a dude in the face. OK, there's definitely more to it than that, but that's what it boils down to. OK, all kidding aside for one or two sentences, the story actually does quite a few things really well. For example, the atmosphere. If there's one thing that Ocarina does right (there are more, but I said "if"), it's the epic atmosphere. By the end of this, you'll feel like the hero of every cliché medieval tale. You get some dragon killing, about a billion ladies at your beck and call (what do girls see in Link?), and even some creation backstory stuff...that's actually made relevant to the plot. Nice touch. Also a nice touch: the subtle amount of character development Link gets. I know what you're thinking: how can Link have character development without character? Simple: make him a pussy before the Master Sword, then make him brave everywhere else. Of course, to be fair, the story isn't entirely refined. There are a few minor plot holes (why's the Deku Tree the only one speaking in ye oldee English, why are there Kokiri outside the forest in the ending when the aforementioned Deku Tree said that they'd die if they left the forest, etc.) and one major one that I haven't seen people ever point out: why does Link need to get the Master Sword? Never once did I see him have any proper motivation to get the damn thing. What's that? He's trying to stop Ganondorf? I think Zelda did a good job of that when she tossed the Ocarina of Time into the nearest moat. Besides, Link's actions end up turning Ganondorf into the King of Evil, and he had a pretty good idea that would happen when Zelda indulged him in the history of Hyrule. Yet he chose to do it, anyway, because.....uh....I don't know. But that's not the worst of it.
 
 And thus followed the Great Semen Shortage of 1998. Only forty children were born in 1999.
 And thus followed the Great Semen Shortage of 1998. Only forty children were born in 1999.
The worst of it has to be the sheer amount of racism that Nintendo saw fit to shove into this game. I'd allow you a break to clean up whatever you spat onto the nearest wall, but this is text, you dumbass. You back? OK, let's examine the game's characters. Our hero is Link, a blond-haired, blue-eyed youth. An old guy tells him to take arms against a "desert man in black armor" (I'm fairly certain that it was far worse before Nintendo of America toned down the racism (not including the bad Fire Temple update)) and sends him off to see the next major character: Zelda. She's a princess with blond hair and blue eyes. Hmm, I'm sensing something. How about we build up some history before we jump into the obvious? Before Ocarina of Time, Ganon was always portrayed as a giant pig thing. A human form was hinted at in Link to the Past (the game that provided half of Ocarina of Time's soundtrack), but that's as close as it got. So how did Nintendo bring the evil Ganon into the third dimension? They turned him into a black guy. In fact, now that I think about it, he's the only black guy in all of Hyrule. I think I'm remembering the part where you get Epona completely differently than I ever did. I can already sense some of you yelling at me, and to be fair, maybe I am going overboard. There's a good chance that I'm taking all these elements completely out of context just to insult a beloved game. I mean, it's not like Nintendo explicitly put swastikas in the game or anything. And just like that, a swastika popped up. I never knew that Uncle Ruckus designed video games.
 
And I never knew that ignorant (even by racist standards) racists were so good at dungeon design. They start off pretty easy (I skipped the map in the Deku Tree, because why do I even need it), but get pretty difficult over time. I wish I could say that I completed the Water Temple without a walkthrough, but I caved, and on the easiest of puzzles. I'd complain about that some more, but I don't think I have many complaints about the dungeons in this game. Aside from the one puzzle I fucked up, I never really found myself prying the answers out of a FAQ, even though some of them were fairly challenging (for whatever reason, ice blocks and me never get along). I should also mention that Ocarina of Time manages to squeeze an oddly high amount of use out of just about every tool you get. Why am I using the Megaton Hammer in the final temple before the final temple? How did they manage to fit the ocarina into so many puzzles (even if there's no reason why a time-y song is supposed to move blocks around)?  Grr! I hate how there's nothing to hate about the dungeon design! Super Mario 64 inspiration (I think this speaks for itself) isn't enough, and neither are the "this isn't Metal Gear Solid" first person crawling parts. 
 
 Man, this game has some WEIRD draw distance issues.
 Man, this game has some WEIRD draw distance issues.
Of course, to get to these dungeons in the first place, you have to traverse the ridiculously huge realm of Hyrule. (And the Worst Segue of the Year goes to...) I don't need to tell you that it takes forever to cross the fields of Hyrule, especially when you have Kaepora Gaebora trapping you in long-winded conversations (given that he's the only character with reversed yes/no options, I think he just wants somebody to talk to). You get a horse when you travel to the future (not sure how the hell time travel in a medieval game works, but whatever), but for a large part of the game, you're stuck slowly rolling from place to place. It's great if you have the attention span of so-hey, warps! Both in traditional form and song form! Awesome! Now I can get from Beneath the Planet of the Apes to Samurai Shodown II in record time! You're going to need it, too, because there are tons of sidequests in the land of Hyrule. I'd indulge you in some Biggoron's Sword jokes, but I think we're all familiar with that ludicrously long sidequest. I'd also talk about the mask part, but I already did that (I'd link, but I think I've passed the limit). Actually, now that I remember it, the only other sidequest that I did was the Skulltulla one, mainly because it's required if you want to beat the game. Not that it really tells you or anything; you don't find out what they do until after the first dungeon, and a few more reveals how necessary it is. To be fair, though, I never ran into Skulltulla grinding issues, but if anybody wants to complain about it, go ahead. I wouldn't really care.
 
Damn it, this isn't working. Oh, I know: combat! It's pretty cool, I guess. It's easy to strafe around enemies and slash them and stuff, and there's a good deal of complexity to it. I guess that's to be expected, though, when you're a walking museum exhibit on the weapons of medieval Europe. Wait, remember what I said about the decent mileage the items get in dungeons? It applies to combat, too. Expect to stun enemies a lot with the hookshot before jump slashing them in half. Oh, that reminds me of something: the combat is very easy to exploit. The jump slash I mentioned before will outright destroy half of Hyrule, bringing even the mighty King Dodongo to his knees in a few slashes. Keep in mind that you're not using the Master Sword at this point, so you've essentially killed a 30 foot tall Komodo dragon with a steak knife. What's that? The enemy's blocking? This is a perfect time to teach Link how to perform vasectomies, because just like in real life, nut shots are deadly. Just keep doing that until the enemy d-wait, why am I complaining about this game, again? Ocarina of Time is awesome. Need I say more? If I do, then just read the blog again, because there's a good chance I said it.
 
Oh, and there's multiplayer. Wait, there's no multiplayer. What the fuck am I saying?
 

Review Synopsis

  • Was Ocarina of Time always this racist? And while I'm asking questions about the game, is Kokiri sex pedophilia, even if it's between two Kokiri? How are more Kokiri made?
  • Man, there's a lot to do in the realm of Hyrule.
  • And a lot to kill with jump slashes and nut shots.
22 Comments
Load Comments