OK, so let me start this off by stating that I feel really weird being happy for Ryan with him getting married recently. I mean, I guess it's nice that the internet has the ability to make me wake up this morning and think "Holy shit, Ryan Davis is probably married and I am super happy for him." but at the same time, isn't it a little bit creepy? It's not like I'll ever meet the guy. But it should be stated that I have nothing but the best wishes for Ryan and his wife and the following piece of DUMB fan fiction only exists because of this thread here.
I ended up getting the idea for the fucked up sequel to that fucked up fan fiction (you know the one I'm talking about) which takes place at Ryans wedding. It's totally fucking dumb and shit and I didn't spend nearly enough time on it but who the fuck cares? It's not meant to be brilliant.
Enjoy (or not, probably not) and no offence is meant from the following piece of fiction. I love all the Giant Bomb guys and the content you produce. Hold on to your butts.
It was Ryans wedding day and it was glorious. The sun blessed this beautiful occasion as light coating everything it touched with a warming, healing light. The ceremony had gone off without a hitch, except for starting 20 minutes late and Ryan leaving after his segment was done, but none of that mattered because the copyright free music the band played was fun to listen to and Ryan was meant to leave after he had gotten hitched, that was the point.
Now everyone at the ceremony had moved to the gardens to have dinner under the splendid sun. The main table, that played host to the newly weds and one other looked out over the brides and grooms closest and dearest. However, one special man was not amongst the crowd, for he was sat next to the groom.
Jeff stood up in front of his colleagues gathered friends and family. Clearing his throat, he readied himself to deliver a best man speech that would go down in history. As eyes fell on Big Jeffery, silence settled over the crowd.
Ryan beamed up at his long time buddy, his big brown eyes glistening with happiness and sweat, thinking back on the many adventures they had shared together, traveling through time and preserving the greatest video games ever made.
Jeff looked over his gathered crowd, knowing he was about to drop a bomb on them all. The microphone didn't shake in his hand though, Jeff was a natural born entertainer and he was ready to deliver the ultimate quick look of Ryan Davis, video gamesman.
A single bead of sweat started to pour down Jeffs forehead. You might have thought this was a sign that Jeff was nervous, but in actuality it was just Jeffs body starting to reject the idea of wearing a red tracksuit under his suit, especially under the blistering California sun. Jeffs mouth creaked opened, the first word about to slide out between his teeth just when someone interrupted from the crowd. John. T Drake.
“When are you going to do another Endurance Run?” Drake yelled, right before chugging down two diet cokes at once. Everyone laughed, Jeff forced out a smile.
“What do you mean? I’ve gotten married!” Ryan joked; his blushing bride lent across and kissed him on the cheek. Something inside Jeff broke a little, and suddenly what he was about to do got a little easier.
John toasted to Ryans response as a bridesmaid walked past Drakes table. He quickly stopped her and asked if he could get some peanuts and another can of diet coke.
“Hey everyone, thanks for joining us,” Jeff said, his voice cool and collected, “well, I’ve been working with this asshole for a long time now and I have to be honest, I did not see this one coming.”
“I only have one thing to say really, and well. Ryan Davis is the only man who has ever been inside of me.”
The silence returns, only this time it’s unsettling. Jeff quickly double backed on himself.
“Oh jeez, look, no, no. Not like that, yuk. No. What I meant was, back in the old-old office, there was an incident. One day I was really hungry and…”
Ryans eyes widen as he knows where his friend is going with this, he quickly stands up and reaches across Jeffs microphone.
“Hey, err Jeff. Do you really need to tell this story? I mean, can’t you just talk about getting fired from GameSpot? You can talk about that now, you know.”
“No, no, it’s totally fine. It’ll be funny, trust me.” Jeffs smile reassured Ryan, Jeff had never let him down when it came to content. At least, that was what Ryan believed because he had blocked out the Game Room quick looks from his memory.
“Ok dude.” Ryan sat back down next to his wife, giving her a wink to let her know that everything was ok.
“So, back in the old offices, I once was really hungry and so Ryan stabbed himself and forced me to eat him. And I did. So, yeah.”
Still silence. No one got where Jeff was going with this. Even Ryan seemed lost.
“So it’s hard for me to let this big guy go, because I feel like, you know, I have never been so close to anyone else.”
The silence broke as everyone started cheering and clapping Jeff. Ryan stood up and gave Jeff a hug, his eyes now twinkling from tears (and sweat).
After Ryan sat back down next to his wife, Jeff held up his hand to signal that he was not finished.
“Yeah, it’s been hard. Too hard in fact. The only thing I really have left to say is this. Fuck Ryan Davis.”
Everyone erupts in laughter, but Jeff wasn't joking. He nodded towards Vinny, who was sitting at the back. Vinny responded by nodding back.
‘Time to turn the big nob up,’ Vinny thought as he quickly ducked out of the garden.
The laughter started to die down when suddenly a horse burst out from behind a bush. It galloped towards the main table with a fiery vengeance. Jeff jumped into the air and landed in the saddle. Ryan, confused, stood up to confront his friend, to ask why he would ruin the greatest day of his life. Before Ryan could utter a syllable, Jeff glared coldly at his former friend.
“Rider meet horse, horse meet rider.” Jeff said as Ryans eyes filled with horror. The horses rear legs kicked back, catching Ryan in the head and snapping his neck, killing him instantly.
Screams erupted as the picture perfect wedding descended into hell and madness. Rorie asked if everyone could be quiet because the chat couldn't hear what was going on, but was cut down by a hail of gunfire.
Vinny, now sporting his Alpha Protocol tactical vest, stormed back in duel wielding a pair of sub machine guns, firing into the crowd. Vinnys wonderful laugh could be heard of the hail of bullets.
Finally, the guns ran out of ammo and Vinny dropped the weapons. Vinny smiled at his work before shouting “SLEEPY DAWGS GAME OF THE YEAR!!!” Jeff simply shook his head as Vinny climbed onto the back of the horse.
“Where to now, Jeff?” Vinny asked, as they left behind the red wedding.
“The only place that will take us in, comrade.”
FADE TO BLACK
A young hot blonde women bursts into the oval office, holding a file. The President of the United States stands up from behind of his desk, quickly hiding the Animal Crossing 3DS XL in the presidents secret draw.
“What is the meaning of this?!” he yells at her.
“I’m sorry sir, but we finally have it!” she replies.
“Have what?” asks the President.
“Proof. Proof that video games cause violence!” The woman replies, her voice filled with glee.
“Good,” said the President as he puts on a pair of stars and stripes sunglasses, “release the helicopters.”
Oh fucking god dammit, I might be a monster.
DELETED SCENES INCLUDE
-scene where they have to get Brad ready for the wedding after a 36 hour DOTA binge
-scene where Drew dances on a table during the wedding while Vinny guns everyone down because I don't know that sounds like something David Lynch would do.
DISCLAIMER: I want to say the terrible dialogue, strange pacing and plotting and rampant sexism (you'll notice in the main story no female character gets developed AT ALL) are all parodies of video game stories, so I am just going to stick with that excuse.