Props to gangawolf for writing this hilarious bit of truth. 
 
 Captain’s Log, Stardate 90210.1


I have headed out into Romulan space, ready for the missions ahead of me. I start with some patrols because I’m short on time. I set a course for the first system and let the auto-pilot go. I sit back at the Conn and watch as my ship makes the most unusual set of turns and twists, travelling in anything but a straight line to my destination. I ask my science officer if the nav computer has been infected with some sort of virus that causes the ship to walk a straight line like a drunk 3 times over the legal limit. He tells me he put in “Bug report” to the “CS’s at Starfleet Command” but it’s been over a week now and no reply. I shrug and remain thankful that the inertial stabilizers on this ship work, unlike the old Constitution I first commanded that threw everyone from their seats every five seconds…


Suddenly, without warning or my prompting, a Hirogen Captain appears on screen. We’re in combat. RED ALERT! But for some reason shields are up and weapons are at the ready – we travel like that all the time. Good thing I don’t pay the electric bill on this tub. But now all I see is mirror-universe ships attacking me – they’ve appeared on-top of me out of nowhere! The ship is being pounded – I have no chance! Not to mention I have no idea why Hirogens would be commanding Mirror Universe ships to begin with.


Just then a few more ships warp in – re-enforcements have arrived! The U.S.S. Enturprise-R, accompanied by the U.S.S. MeSoHorny and U.S.S. Debbie Gibson manage to attract the fire of the enemy ships to themselves. I manage to limp away from the battle – most of my crew dead. I slowly wait for the shields to replenish – and before the do I am back at full crew. I thank my doctor who administered a tribble-based compound to the survivors coupled with that Vulcan mind-transfer ceremony thingy that makes crew regeneration faster than shield regeneration. I warp out back to our planned course.


We arrive at the first planet in our patrol. I steer towards the planet at full impulse, but my ship keeps “teleporting” back every few seconds. My science office tells me it is a strange subspace phenomenon known as “rubber-banding” and is known to occur where the local space gets out of sync with sub-space. The strange motion incurs nausea in me and the crew – I throw-up a little bit in my mouth.
We finally reach the planet. They are in trouble – an urgent call to Starfleet. I arrive, my exploration cruiser brimming with weapons ready to take out whatever evil the Romulans, Remans, or Hirogen have brought to these people. I ask them what they need and they ask for 10 pieces of commodities entertainment. My tactical officer suppresses the urge to use a widespread pattern of torpedoes to just take out the idiots at this colony. I tell him to contact the U.S.S. Spielberg and have them stop by and then warp out to the next system without giving these people a second thought.


We arrive at the next system and see a Romulan Warbird de-cloak. Finally, some combat! We turn..and turn…and turn…and turn…and turn….to get the ship in our forward firing arc. Despite the Warbird being two-and-a-half times our size, he turns on a dime and comes at us. “Fire” I shout. My tactical officer sits at his station, frantically pushing a button over and over. I ask him what he is doing. He says that is the only way to get all of the weapons to fire at the same time. I tell him to hit the “auto fire” button but he says we can only auto-fire two weapons at a time. I tell my chief engineer to get on it but he says he decided to study dropping warp plasma instead. My doctor tells me not to worry – that if the tactical officer gets carpal-tunnel syndrome he can always grow him a new hand.


The battle is nearly won….but the sneaky Romulan escapes to wrap at the last second. I tell my crew to follow him, but they tell me we are still in combat mode and can’t even manage full impulse for another 6 or 7 seconds. I ask them how the Romulans did it but they only shrug their shoulders. I need a smarter bridge crew.


We beam down to the planet, just in case the Romulans sent some people there. I arrive alone. I wait…and wait…and wait….but no one else appears. After 15 minutes of “inactivity” I fall asleep. When I wake up, everyone is magically there beside me like nothing ever happened. I shrug and we go Romulan hunting.
For some reason there are an inordinate amount of crates scattered within the facility. I guess this Federation base doesn’t have a maid – stuff is just lying all over the place. I move to the next room, but some of the away team stays behind. I call for them but nothing happens. I go back to the first room and there are two of my bridge officers running in circles between a few crates. I ask them what they are doing and they reply “Running, sir!” Did I mention that I needed a smarter bridge crew?


Finally regrouped, I use a stealth field and sneak up on some Romulans. I activate my targeting scanner, and suddenly they all fire at me! Hmmm…you’d think Starfleet engineering would have made that a silent activation. I dive for cover and let loose a barrage of plasma fire from this rifle I stole from a crate on Deep Space K-7 – I hope no one misses it there.


My tactical officer keeps running back and forth. I tell him to attack someone and he does, then runs back and forth some more. My engineer sets-up a protective force field around the Romulans – it does nothing to help me. My doctor pulls a tribble out and starts petting it. I wonder if this is the best Starfleet has to offer, then what is the crew like on the U.S.S. Debbie Gibson?


We eliminate the Romulan threat on the planet. We beam back into space and I hail Starfleet. No one answers. I try again – still, no one on any frequency. I figure it must be Cinco de Mayo and all of the Admiral’s and what not are up to their eyeballs in Romulan Ale Margaritas. I try Commander Sulu and he isn’t there either. Darn it…where’s Sulu?

Chapter 2

then there would have been a lot more of: 

I thought this was quite fun. I swear some of the things you have written so far popped in my head while i was playing the Beta.
Bring on part 3!