Toronto is in many ways a city unsure of itself. On one hand, thanks to its emergence on the world’s stage as an arts and culture hub, many Torontonians feel immensely proud of their city. Indeed, the omnipresence of artists like The Weeknd, the critical accolades heaped upon game studios like DrinkBox, and the success of hit shows like Orphan Black have all raised Toronto’s international profile from dorky New York-wannabe to a vibrant and cool metropolis. But this higher visibility has left the city in transition. Toronto’s cultural and economic cachet has compelled many from Canada and the rest of the world to make the city their home, and in the process have strained the city’s infrastructure and raised the cost of living sharply. Add to that the oppressively gloomy Canadian winters and dated grey architecture and you have a city in conflict with itself, a conflict that manifests itself in the countless Torontonians grappling with stress, depression, anxiety, and a great many other disorders.
Actual Sunlight, a game originally released in 2013 for PC and now in 2016 for the Playstation Vita, is about living in Toronto. Or, rather, it’s about living with depression in Toronto. Developed by Will O’Neill in coordination with a small team, the game stars Evan Winter, a 30-something living in one of the many condominiums that dot the city’s landscape. Every morning, he struggles to get out of bed, hops on a streetcar, and heads over to a job that he hates. We’re informed of Evan’s mental state by the imaginary conversations he has in his head with psychologists and talk show hosts. He’s very much grappling with depression and self-medicates with alcohol, pornography, and technology. He’s even had recurring suicidal thoughts, and the game’s central conflict is whether or not he jumps off the roof of his building.
Needless to say, Actual Sunlight is a very, very, very bleak game. It revels in the depths of self-hatred, regret, and pain, and never once does it come up for air. Whereas a game like Depression Quest comes from the perspective of people who have gone through the worst of depression and have come to terms with their illness, Actual Sunlight offers no such hope. The game takes the perspective of someone so deep into their misery, so cut off from support, that they cannot even comprehend a way out of their situation. Even the game’s title ends up being a sarcastic rebuke to the sort of self-help pablum that gets peddled to those who desperately need more than a one-size-fits-all answer to their problems.
What’s remarkable about the game is how specific it is to its time and place. While other games that tackle depression tend to be universal in their setting and themes in order to connect with a wide swath of people, Actual Sunlight views depression through a distinctly Toronto lens. Evan, like many of Toronto’s post-baby boom generation, feels economically trapped by the high rents and higher property values for even the modest of homes. He’s single, but even if he meets that special someone he sees no path from his current indebted lifestyle to one of home ownership and supporting a family. He loathes his job, but it keeps him from being homeless and it offers his only real connections to others, including a woman he pines for. Finally, the allure of the city’s social scene is intoxicating to Evan, and he spends far too much money drinking at his local bar in hopes of running into someone he can share a connection with. After all, Toronto is a city of hot young people, shouldn’t it stand to reason that his loneliness can be cured by just putting himself out there? But like many big cities, it can be incredibly difficult to meet new people despite the crush of humanity constantly surrounding us.
As a near lifelong Torontonian, these are all feelings that I can relate to. More than a few times I’ve been at a bar with friends as we’ve drowned our frustrations with a few too many drinks. Almost inevitably, the conversation drifts towards the shortcomings of our hometown. Everyone ignores everyone else. The subway and streetcars are always late when the weather is bad. We’re made to work too many hours doing pointless tasks by managers who long ago sold their souls to the corporation. Pretty soon we’re talking about that one friend who moved to Guelph (or Halifax, or Saskatoon) and how they seem to be living a happy life in a massive house with a dog, a short commute, and low stress. But then we drift back, explaining how our careers couldn’t possibly allow us to leave the city, and besides, isn’t July Talk playing at Lee’s Palace this weekend?
I’m still shocked that Actual Sunlight would be featured as a Playstation Plus title this month. Its minimalist design, short length, and subject matter don’t exactly scream mass appeal, and its laser focus on modern day Toronto likely won’t engender many fans outside of a very specific demographic. But perhaps I’m just unable to see outside my perspective here, and maybe the game has more appeal than I give it credit for. Actual Sunlight is raw, honest, and insightful, but the conclusions it draws may not provide much comfort to the player. If that’s something you can deal with, then consider walking a kilometer in Evan’s boots.
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