Ah, here I am, sitting in the library not writing the essay on Che Guevara I’m supposed to be writing. It is my intent with this blog to, if nothing else, get me in the mood and mindset for writing about something serious and meaningful (like an essay worth roughly 25% of the grade in my Modern Latin American History class) by writing about something stupid and frivolous. Like a questionable video game that came out 6 years ago that I only played at all because it’s attached to a name I identify with. But before I regale you with tales of the Dark Messiah, let’s talk about other games. Because finals are in like 2 weeks and I’m not going to have an opportunity to talk about them then.

Other games

I say with very little irony that Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing Transformed is probably one of the better Kart Racing games I’ve played. While the actual roster of characters isn’t necessarily one I can identify with, having never owned a Sega console in my life and finding the inclusion of everyone’s favorite NASCAR driver/Lady who almost gets naked in every Go Daddy commercial Danica Patrick to be hilarious, it’s at least comprehensive and (I assume) has the people you’d want in a Sega kart racer (but also Danica Patrick and Team Fortress, for some reason). The track design is suitably over-the-top in a way that Mario Kart isn’t and the part where you are a boat, a car, and a plane like it was Diddy Kong Racing (easily my favorite Kart racer of my N64-based youth) is icing. Then I could talk about how Football Manager is a britishy british man who says “Red Card” whenever he gets hit or that there isn’t a crummy blue shell equivalent and I’d pretty much say most of what I need to say. Haven’t played online yet, but I assume that there are people playing it, as it seems to go on sale on steam often enough. Either way, it’s a pretty great game to play in short bursts and if I knew other humans/had more wired xbox controllers I could hook up to my laptop It’d be a pretty awesome party game.

I am still playing through Final Fantasy XII International Zodiac Job System, and my physical copy of actual regular Final Fantasy XII arrived in the mail, so that guilt has been (somewhat) alleviated. I think. Not much new to say about that, other than that I think the Gambit system is pretty cool and also see how it will eventually result in the game playing itself like a more powerful version of the scripting found in Dragon Age. More on that eventually.

Organ Trail is neat and kind of funny, especially if you played the original version of the game like I did. It’s also a game clearly made for touch devices and not a mouse and keyboard, so aside from the part where it’s “Yo, it’s like the Oregon Trail for the Apple II but instead it’s a zombie apocalypse lol” I wouldn’t necessarily recommend you get it. I played it for like 90 minutes and you know what? I’m good. It’s a funny joke that is funny for about that long, but has all the depth of an elaborate flash game.

League of Legends continues to exist. I continue to enjoy it and do alright for myself if forced to play jungle. It’s a pity everyone always calls mid first, because I always thought that was my best position. I’m competent enough at whatever I end up as, in any case.

The main game

But now, let’s talk about the main event, the reason why you voluntarily clicked on this thread, unless you are cool/weird and found it through the blogs tab on my profile page. Dark Messiah of Might and Magic was released in 2006 and was the second Might and Magic game released by Ubisoft, following Heroes of Might and Magic V, a game I think is pretty great despite the weird dislike it gets from dark corners of the internet. Whereas Heroes V was received pretty well, the reception to Dark Messiah was a bit more… mixed, with a console port coming out a few years later that I’m pretty sure no one liked. I for one, bought this game out of a sense of morbid curiosity, both because of my well-documented love of the Might and Magic series as well as me liking Dishonored far too much and wondering how Arkane’s previous games fare (yes, that means that at some point, somewhere down the road I will write about Arx Fatalis). The short answer is that Dark Messiah is not a good game, but I kind of like it anyways, saying something or other about my tastes. The long answer is that you should keep reading.

Dark Messiah is a first person action game with an emphasis on melee combat. It is not, as I first suspected, a more open Deus Ex-like title where I could approach any given situation in whatever manner I chose. The game seems to imply as much, with a simple skill tree allowing you to emphasize in stealth or magic or melee combat. Not really. While I imagine playing through as a mage is viable, inasmuch as the game throws mana potions at you en-masse and the telekinesis spell being sort of overpowered, Dark Messiah is not a stealth game, despite clearly having a place to put points in called “stealth”. As I found, at best, putting points into stealth allowed me to wield the best daggers and occasionally backstab someone when I felt like it. It’s a pretty binary “hide in the shadows” thing, but it’s not great at saying what are shadows and what aren’t, though it’s also worth mention that with all 3 points into stealth and equipping the master thief armor does make stealth almost viable, though by that point the game is almost over and you have since specialized in the secret 4^th skill tree: kicking.

In 2006, physics in games were still a cool and novel thing, courtesy of Half Life 2. Dark Messiah takes this to hilarious and goofy extremes, running on the Source Engine and deciding throughout “This game has physics damn it and you’re going to notice them”. And notice them you will, with the constant and endless opportunities to press the F key to win. Spikes on the walls? Kick your enemies into them for instant death! Fire on the ground? Kick them into the fire! A section of the game conveniently taking place on the side of a cliff? Kick the suckers right off! It’s ridiculous and is the reason why I kind of like this game despite the actual melee combat consisting of “Use power attacks over and over and occasionally block”. There’s occasionally some bad first-person platforming and some rope arrows straight out of Thief (another plus in my book), but I still spent the vast majority of my time with the game murdering foes with the power of my mighty boot. And really, that was enough to entertain me and my shriveled, cynical heart. It’s not even a Dragon Age 2 scenario where there are a few specific things that I think the game does well in the midst of mediocrity, it’s a scenario where this game is kind of middling all-around and is unintentionally redeemed by one stupid mechanic that is absurdly overpowered. I… I just don’t even know. What does this say about me?

But to close out, the story bears mention as well, once again for the wrong reasons. Ashan, the world that all Ubisoft M&M games take place in, isn’t exactly what I’d call “original” or “interesting”, which is why Dark Messiah playing its plot as deathly straight as it does allows for some unintentional comedy. The game telegraphs its twist so blatantly that if you didn’t guess it you weren’t paying attention, which I will admit is a perfectly viable option. Along for the entire ride is Xana, who is basically a sassier, eviler, far more obnoxious Cortana. Every suggestive quip she makes is groan-inducing and your main character’s comebacks are equally as lame. Maybe I came in with low expectations, but somehow those expectations were met, inasmuch as I found the plot and the accompanying voice acting to be bad and goofy in a way I could get behind, the two words I use to describe this game in a nutshell.

It bears repeating: if you are a regular human you probably shouldn’t play this game, because it isn’t good. The combat is simplistic, the story is hilariously bad and you kind of kick everything to death. However, I'm still okay with playing this game, but only because my heart is black and withered and only capable of feeling things in ironic terms. Well then Comrades, may we meet again at our final victory. All hail Marxist Leninism!

I picked up Dark Messiah for ~$2 on that xbox sale a while back. I actually kind of enjoyed it too. Really mediocre but it had some fun moments, like, as you said, kicking dudes into fire or trying to line myself up to kick them into spikes. Also the rope bow was really cool. I really enjoyed the cliff side huts and trying to find my way to the secrets. Felt so badass after getting them on my own.

Also, I learned today that the console version is dumb, cause I had no skill points and my "skill tree" was a line that gave me a new ability every time I "won" a level.

Gosh that game is odd. For as far as I got into the game the story was really forgettable and the characters sucked, but I liked when I became that demon Xenomorph. That was neat.

@superwristbands: Huh. I had no idea the console version was anything more than an inferior port. Reading up a bit suggests that a few of the levels are tweaked or different and instead of a skill tree you select a class at the start of the game. Weird.

I probably should've also mentioned in the original post that the game has a separate multiplayer mode that I imagine is also hilarious and bad, but I doubt anyone's actually playing it and I don't especially feel like checking.

A game where you kick people to death sounds alright to me. Thank you for writing this blog so I know what I'm missing out on.

I probably own it on Steam if I'm not mistaken. I doubt I'll ever play it though.

@tordah: At this point I straight up have a tab in my steam library called "Stuff I'm never going to play", consisting of indie junk I got with humble bundles (Hammerfight), stuff I own in different capacities (The Witcher), and stuff I was actively repulsed from (X3). It's kind of gross that it's come to that, but if I were to ever think about why I have so many games that I own for no discernible reason I'd go mad.

I played Dark Messiah of Might and Magic for the 360 and it was without a doubt the worst game I have played on the console. That may seem hyperbolic, and it certainly is, but there's a dearth of other candidates for that ignominious title.

@mylifeforaiur: What makes your point valid is the fact that it's the worst game that you have played, especially considering the hearsay that the console version is worse than the PC version. For my part, the worst game I've owned and played a significant amount of on my 360 is probably Divinity II, which is mostly just mediocre and bland and I wouldn't really go as far as to call it bad, kind of like how I feel about this game.

I loved Dark Messiah, but definitely not because its quality as a game, haha. Not even Duke's Mighty Foot can compare to the high-powered kickery in that game.

I'd love to see Duke Nukem, Dark Messiah Guy, and Bulletstorm's Grayson Hunt in a crossover kickathon.

I've got this game on Steam, and I bought it for the same reason you did, I have a fondness for the Might and Magic games, I also own Arx Fatalis, but I don't remember why I bought that one. Pity to hear that Dark Messiah is pretty much a kicking simulator, doubt I ever would have played it anyway, I have far too many other games in my backlog.

@arbitrarywater: I certainly would have preferred to play the game on my PC, but it's a feeble thing.

For some reason I've played through twice, once on Steam when it originally came out and then a second time when it was sale for $3 on Xbox.

Yes it's terribly mediocre and going through crypts is painfully dull. More zombies everyone! However, the kicking does make normal encounters more fun. It's still satisfying to have an enemy fall prey to your trap, an obvious breakable pillar holding up heavy objects, or cutting a rope to have a chandelier ram into an unsuspecting foe. Most rooms are littered with traps, at some point in development I'm sure they noticed it was the best part of the game. Too bad there's nothing like that when you're fighting giant spiders. Also if you forget to pick up a quest object, hope you like back tracking!

I'm staring at my poor purchase decision in the form of a boxed copy of Dark Messiah. It's such an overwhelmingly average game like you said, but I implore you to give Arx Fatalis a chance. If you liked the Ultima Underworld games (because those seem at least somewhat up your alley, as they should be since 1+2 are both awesome games) then you'll at least enjoy AF. The spell casting system is goofy and more than a bit gimmicky, but it's still a pretty good game all told. Never finished it, due to my absurd inability to stick with games for whatever reason, but the 8 or so hours I did play were enjoyable.

You're crazy. Dark Messiah (PC) was great, and every game should have a kick button.

I found the plot and the accompanying voice acting to be bad and goofy in a way I could get behind, the two words I use to describe this game in a nutshell.

Get behind?

Bad and goofy?

Missed the joke?

I know I've played a billion games exactly like this, but can't name a single one. Typing of the Dead, sort of but not really? I want to say Kick Master, because that feels the most relevant, but that game was legitimately good, even with all the insane kicking. Other than that, I've got nothing. That might be more out of sheer laziness, however.

Other examples of overpowered kicking: Dead Island and this... Half-Life 2 thing.

I do remember that part of Dark Messiah fondly, and the rest equally less so. At a certain point, you kind of drop the pretense of trying to play it like the ARPG it wants to be and just kick the bejeezus out of everything for easy environmental kills. I don't think I've played a game that had so much kicking in it, and I've played my fair share of soccer games.

In mostly unrelated news, you hear about this GOG D&D sale? It's crazy. I mean, they pretty much try to sell their entire D&D library in this manner every six months or so, but 80% is so good that I finally folded and bought a bunch of games I have on disc already. Dunno if I'll ever play through BG1 and 2 for a third time, but I guess I have a convenient way of making it happen now.

I quite enjoyed Dark Messiah of Might and Magic.Don't consider it a bad game.

@the_hiro_abides: All of the parts where you fight spiders are the worst parts, because poison is annoying and there aren't nearly enough cliffs or convenient wall spikes to kick them into.

If you play Dark Messiah, I can guarantee you that you'll get all of the behind.

@siroptimusprime:I've messed with Ultima Underworld 1 and 2 enough to tell you that I like what they're doing, so yeah I'm actually legitimately curious about Arx Fatalis.

@mento: If I hadn't totally fallen prey to GOG's previous D&D sales I would've picked up a lot here, though I didn't have Neverwinter Nights 2 so I got that, despite already owning it on steam. Of course, I'd endorse anyone who isn't a sad person to get this promo. $21 for every D&D game is absurd, even with a few stinkers like Demon Stone and Dragonshard in the mix.

@arbitrarywater: Well, it's every D&D game they're allowed to sell right now. I'm sure when they gather more (and I can only assume that they're feverishly working day and night to acquire the rights to sell Descent to Undermountain), there'll be future D&D sales that'll factor them in without forcing you to buy the others again. It's still kind of shocking that Steam hasn't followed suit on that particular model of bundle sales, it's the best thing about GOG.

I'll throw in a recommendation for Arx Fatalis as well. It's fairly solid and the magic-casting gimmick is fun if a little dumb. I seem to recall it was on @snide's list of recommended CRPGs he made a while back, and you can't ask for a better endorsement than that.

What? DMoMM is awesome! I love the combat in the game

Interesting blog. When DMoMM came out I was quite tempted to buy it, but some magical force kept me from doing that. And now that I read your blog, I'm kind of glad I didn't bother.

On other note, mentioning Sonic all stars racing made me remember the best kart racing game ever in my opinion: Crash Team Racing. Suck it Mario Kart!

I liked the first hour of it, but I always run into the horrendous memory leak bug where the FPS turns into Frame Per Minute afterwards.

@icemo: As a N64 owner, most of my memories of CTR are related to playing it with my cousins and thinking it was awesome. Having become jaded and otherwise indifferent about Mario Kart 64, I will concede the point by default.

@butano:Other than the game crashing a few times on loading screens, I never really encountered any serious bugs. Of course, I also clipped through the world a few times and well... yeah. This game is janky as all hell.

DMoMM is not a good game. However, you guys are spot-on about the kicking. Are there any good games with a robust kick mechanic?

I always thought this game was cool, if not very good. Not being very familiar with the other Might and Magic games, I obviously have nothing story-specific to compare it to, but it seemed pretty intent on telling a good story, even if it doesn't accomplish that.