Drops of water assaulted my window, there was a storm raging outside and it was wetter than a teenage girl on the opening night of a Twilight movie. Six months, six goddamn months of sitting behind my desk, waiting for a case that never comes. I'd given up on looking forward to a job landing right on my lap, the only thing I did look forward to anymore was a hot cup of chocolate delivered to my office by my secretary. I can never call her that in person though, mother said that that's "Fucking stupid" and proceeded to splash me in the face with the mug of hot chocolate still in her hand. Shit was hot.
I can't wait to put this whole town in my rear view, start up a new life somewhere more promising. But to do that I'll need money, and to get money I'll need a case, and cases just don't come my way. Cragislist you useless mother fucker, I should be swimming in murders, stolen family heirlooms and cases of mistaken identity by now. Instead my inbox is filled with requests like:
- Wanted: Male & Male, no touching just watching
- Wanted: One male (20's to 30's) to watch 40 year old married couple water their dog
- Looking For: Narcoleptic midget to help struggling actor rehearse lines preceded by doing lines of cocaine
- Wanted: 2nd Gen Ipod Nano
Its been difficult being a private eye, to say the least. It doesn't help that everyone I know does not support me in my endeavours. I've been hearing the same things constantly, "Get a real job, you know, one that actually pays?", "When are you going to move out and give your poor mother a rest?", "You are 27 years old, grow up". I used to be able to ignore them, but lately the voices have been getting louder. Maybe its time I dropped this gig and moved on with my life. I have skills, its not like I'm completely inept. I mean, how hard could it be to watch people "water their dog"? Thinking on it, that's probably code for some perverted sex act, I really shouldn't expect anything less from Craigslist. A "2nd Gen Ipod Nano" is probably what they call a pound of yayo in Florida or something.
Just as I begin doubting myself and my ever dimming future as a private eye, the unexpected happens. Bursting through my door was a beautiful red head, legs that went on for miles, lips that screamed seduction and eyes that seemed to pierce right through me. This was it, I always imagined it happening like this but I never really thought it would. This broad had a case for me and I was her man. Finally, I'll have something to bite into, prove to everyone that they've been wrong about me, show them that I am somebody, that I'm capable and that I don't need them.
I stand up from my red elephant bean bag chair, "What's the matter hun?". She steps closer, she looks distressed, her hands are shaking as she brings them up to my face, "Please, please God help me. Its...its my boyfriend". I immediately lose a lot of interest in her, but I keep listening. "I think someone's taken him! We were in bed one night, fooling around, and when I woke up....when I...when I..." I slapped that bitch so hard in the face that for a second I thought I knew what the big bang sounded like. She turns back to me, "Thank you, I needed that. When I woke up he was gone, and I found this in my bed".
She holds up her hands into the light and in them were....something I could not describe. "What is this?" I asked her. "They're nipple clamps, you've never messed around with them before?" Not wanting to seem inexperienced I reply, "Yeah sure, a few times, these people on Craigslist like to pl...never mind all that, whats that in the clamps?" She begins to lose her composure again, "They're...they're....they're his nipples! They must have torn the clamps off before they took him, oh God, oh God, are you going to help fi..."
I kick her in the stomach and as she keels over I tell her to get the fuck out. That shit's messed up. Maybe I'll get a job at the Bed Bath & Beyond.
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