Pardon me for saying but your clinical depression sounds like a walk through a back alley.I do realize what you're saying from what I've written; but you must realize this is just a blog post, not a dissertation or autobiography. There are tons and tons of details left out, and this hasn't just been a recent thing... Some of the more recent catylists have been recent, yes; but it's stemmed since my childhood. I have also not said it's "fine," more that "I understand the problem and have my passion back." There are regressions almost every day, but when they happen I realize what's causing them and take the time to try and cope with them now instead of wallow."Wow, it got dark for a little while but now it's fine since I had the will to share my feelings and emotions with someone."I'm glad it was that straight forward for you, envious even, but deeper depressions which have been with somesince birth and really aren't triggered by any tragic events (then again one could argue birth is traumatic,sure as hell looks and sounds like it!) have no cure beyond death or a sudden inexplicable change in the chemistry.They just, seemingly by random chance, happened to be born in "off-mode" - and that's why it irks me a little when I see people saying they've been there.But I guess one never would know unless having been there, how could anyone.
Being a Gamer With Depression
Thanks for sharing your story I do too suffer from clinical depression since I was a early teen anti depressants never worked for me I understand why you don't take meds its good for people if it works for them but not me. I feel your pain of being alone and betray by old friends but I'm happy to hear your getting better I'm on a same path for self improvement cheers man.
@pepsimaxofborg said:I see, but when you mentioned that you had a "textbook depression" or the psychologist said,Pardon me for saying but your clinical depression sounds like a walk through a back alley.I do realize what you're saying from what I've written; but you must realize this is just a blog post, not a dissertation or autobiography. There are tons and tons of details left out, and this hasn't just been a recent thing... Some of the more recent catylists have been recent, yes; but it's stemmed since my childhood. I have also not said it's "fine," more that "I understand the problem and have my passion back." There are regressions almost every day, but when they happen I realize what's causing them and take the time to try and cope with them now instead of wallow."Wow, it got dark for a little while but now it's fine since I had the will to share my feelings and emotions with someone."I'm glad it was that straight forward for you, envious even, but deeper depressions which have been with somesince birth and really aren't triggered by any tragic events (then again one could argue birth is traumatic,sure as hell looks and sounds like it!) have no cure beyond death or a sudden inexplicable change in the chemistry.They just, seemingly by random chance, happened to be born in "off-mode" - and that's why it irks me a little when I see people saying they've been there.But I guess one never would know unless having been there, how could anyone.
you seemed very accepting of it while my, let's say "circle", would find this almost offensive.
You mention knowing what's causing the regressions, which is also extremely good since it gives you
something to talk and explore with psychologists and groups.
It's as GI Joe said, knowing is half the battle -
but when you know nothing of why you're just firing into the darkness hoping to hit something, some day.
Keep up the fight, my man! <3 Remember me in case you need someone to talk to in the future =)
You're totally right about having someone to talk to, I can't stress how amazing it is having that friend who's genuinely there for you and how much it helps when things are getting on top of you. There's an amazing girl who I love dearly who never game up on me despite how irrational and awful I was acting towards her, and people like that make all the difference and tip the balance towards recovery. Sounds like you've got someone you consider a true friend, keep her close. I hope things continue to improve for you, depression is a fucking nightmare, to say the least. You're doing a great thing by raising awareness of this.
Do you really not want to know if there is anything wrong with you?At this point, the cynical, untrusting and generally unhappy person that I am are characteristics that are so fundamental to my personality I don't know if I even want them to leave me. And the untrusting part of me is one of the major factors into why I don't want to see a psychiatrist; I wouldn't trust them. I wouldn't trust what they had to say to me or what they would give me as advice to improve my life. I also mentioned social ineptness earlier, another big part in my opposition to seeking therapy. Speaking to people I don't know is very hard for me (even though I never appear nervous on the outside, attribute of an ISTJ I believe) and it's especially hard if I'm required to divulge all of these things that I've been used to keeping inside of me for several years.
@mutha3 said:
And "happy pills" don't exist. No matter what medication you take, it will inevitably go hand-in-hand with years of therapy. Yes, life sucks. But that doesn't mean you should be complacent about trying to obtain happiness.But I don't like the prospect of having to change myself to obtain happiness. I said I wish I could find a way out of this condition earlier, but I don't even know if that's true or if I was just saying it. I guess wallowing in my depression, self pity or whatever is more natural to me then trying to fight it. I don't know if I seek happiness because, as I am currently, being happy means nothing to me. Plus, my mother would have to be the one to support me in this endeavor as she has the finances and all and I think she's of the opinion that only crazy people see psychiatrists (she's a nurse, too). Not sure if she would even permit me to see one if I told her I seriously wanted to see a psychiatrist.
I'm definitely considering it and I will in the future as well if I don't take immediate action, but to the point of seeing a psychiatrist I ask myself once more "What's the point?" Not sure if this is a characteristic of depression, but why do I even want to be happy? Especially if it means having to change who I know myself as and become someone is so much more different.
I'm happy to see you're feeling better. I to was diagnosed with depression about four years ago. I'm two years removed from the stoppage of the anti-depressants and still going strong. I hope you can have the same success. It won't always be easy. You'll be tested at times. The next time a huge stressor rears its ugly head or the next time you make a big mistake you'll be tested. But if you just remember the therapy and keep a cool head you'll do just fine. Hope you continue to do well.
@Bassman2112 said:Haha, again I totally understand what you're saying. Again, this is very, very condensed from what the reality of this situation was... When my psychologist told me this, this was after multiple sessions and my reaction was not an immediate 'oh, cool.' Also, he was much more elaborate than just 'textbook depression,' this was just slightly sensationalized for the sake of not making this the length of a novel =)@pepsimaxofborg said:I see, but when you mentioned that you had a "textbook depression" or the psychologist said,Pardon me for saying but your clinical depression sounds like a walk through a back alley.I do realize what you're saying from what I've written; but you must realize this is just a blog post, not a dissertation or autobiography. There are tons and tons of details left out, and this hasn't just been a recent thing... Some of the more recent catylists have been recent, yes; but it's stemmed since my childhood. I have also not said it's "fine," more that "I understand the problem and have my passion back." There are regressions almost every day, but when they happen I realize what's causing them and take the time to try and cope with them now instead of wallow."Wow, it got dark for a little while but now it's fine since I had the will to share my feelings and emotions with someone."I'm glad it was that straight forward for you, envious even, but deeper depressions which have been with somesince birth and really aren't triggered by any tragic events (then again one could argue birth is traumatic,sure as hell looks and sounds like it!) have no cure beyond death or a sudden inexplicable change in the chemistry.They just, seemingly by random chance, happened to be born in "off-mode" - and that's why it irks me a little when I see people saying they've been there.But I guess one never would know unless having been there, how could anyone.
you seemed very accepting of it while my, let's say "circle", would find this almost offensive.
You mention knowing what's causing the regressions, which is also extremely good since it gives you
something to talk and explore with psychologists and groups.
It's as GI Joe said, knowing is half the battle -
but when you know nothing of why you're just firing into the darkness hoping to hit something, some day.
I think the world would definitely be a better place if everyone would just remember the lessons learned from GI Joe.
A while ago I suffered from almost depression for ages, yes I said almost depression.
I made the expression up but not the context of the expression, as for the longest time I did nothing but play video games and talk to a few people that I now consider best mates, even though we now talk much less from my own efforts to control how I balance my time, I managed to avoid depression just barely everyday.
I was stuck in a cycle of not having a good job, I cleaned an office building because that was the only job I'd been able to get, so for about 3 hours of my day I had somewhere to be and something to do, which was good in retrospect, but I hated it. I'd spend all day in my bedroom unknowingly hiding from the world after waking up at 14.00 and then going to work for 17.00, get back at 20.30 and spend the whole night playing video games until 6.30, sometimes just unhealthily not going to sleep in the morning at all so I could continue playing video games.
Sad really...
You may find this strange but at the time due to the way my mind was so optimistically-negative I thought I was doing ok, I didn't get depressed here either, because of video games holding it off.
I decided to go on a social skills course with a company called Charisma Arts, some truly classy guys in all honesty. I simply wanted to learn the ability to be a very successful socialiser.
It was expensive though (£1,200) but I was really low, not quite depressed yet, so I figured I have nothing to lose when I was so close to zero and everything to gain.
I idiotically couldn't wait and save up so I VERY, VERY stupidly took out a loan for £1,600 with the agreement to an even more stupid long pay-back scheme. Negative self-image can really muddy up your perspective of reality and the decisions that you make.
Coincidentally a day or two later all the cleaners at the office where I was working were called in early before our shifts started to have a meeting. We all found out that our jobs were at risk, due to the economy, and 4 out of 9 of us would be losing our jobs.
Well you might've guessed that having taken out the loan only a day or so beforehand I felt like a piece of shit that was about to go through the grinder at a sewage factory.
Funnily enough it was this situation that turned me into a power house of sudden motivation & action.
For two months straight we, the cleaners, all worried about our jobs and I ran around the city I live in like a madman with CV's and made contacts everywhere.
Both fortunately and unfortunately everybody from lower management in the company I work and down also had their jobs threatened (upper management protected themselves like the spineless bastards they are.) and the handy man, who had worked full-time quit due to a definite pay cut if he was to continue working for the company in question. I'm not a vulture but I was desperate at the time, so I applied for the new job vacancy and went from possible doll dosser to full-time employee with a very small bill from a loan.
Things look huge when you don't have much motivation and so very small when you earn a decent amount don't they?
Still not at the depression part.
I continued to act as I always had, except my days balance of activities had switched around and I felt great and welcomed the change of working in the hours I used to spend gaming, for a short while at least.
I would still wake up, have nothing really going on in my personal life, go to work, come home afterwards at 17.00 and play games till I now had to go to sleep at 10.00 or 11.00.
It took five months of this, of me feeling like life would never get better before that that crappy cycle of tedious boring crap before I finally dipped into complete and utter despair.
I hated my job and my boss is a complete fucking turd to this day, and what made it worse was that no matter the fact that I worked damn hard for my boss she still treated me like a shouting board when ever she could.
So I would cry myself to sleep, yes at 21 I would cry myself to sleep, and then wake up and lie in bed for 3 hours, due to a bad sleeping pattern and stare at the insides of my eyelids just thinking about how much life sucked balls and how crappy my life would be until I died, then I'd get up having been thinking about how crappy life was and set off for work.
Sorry this may be depressing.
I finally hit that wall and got a life-coach, she suggested I change things slowly, one being that instead of thinking about how much life sucked I could think about what I liked about work and force myself to say to myself that my boss simply thinks in different ways to me and that we bumped heads because we didn't get each other, I kept bombarding my mind with positive self-encouragement until that very morning I'd figured out how to be happy again.
I rode a bicycle to work and it would've normally taken 35-40 mins to get to work. It took me 25 mins on that morning, I'd smiled the whole way there and felt like I'd barely broke a sweat, I was usually dripping wet by the time I got to work before that day.
Shortly into the day my boss had already started treating me like crap again so I'd told my boss that she was no longer allowed to talk to me the way she does and we had a vocal confrontation, she lost and backed down. It felt so great to be the one in the lead for a change. Turns out she's had 2 cases of people accusing her of bullying them to her bosses, so she didn't want me to report her as well, it would've been the end of her management career. (I should've done it, she's still a complete bitch to this day but I know more how to handle her these days and she dosn't get me down because she's so clueless that in order for our disegreement to settle I moved into doing no computer work, which I was fine with to be away from her on a permanent basis. She now dosn't realise that I now get to sit on my ass all day in the loft area of the building researching, teaching myself maths (I've always been terrible at maths), and just watching downloaded tv shows on occasion when I need a break from studying new stuff. I'll be learning Mandarin Chinese next in preperation for moving over to China and teaching basic English.
I do work but because of the nature of my job I only have to work in a reactive manner and only proactive if I'm called for on the walkie-talkie I have
Anyone out there that is at rock bottom, get up and go for a jog, get out of the house I promise you it makes all the difference. Force yourself to laugh, even if you feel like a crazy person becuase you're by yourself and you're not laughing at anything. Forcing yourself to Laugh eventually leads to actual laughter, keep it going long enough and your body floods with endorphines, feel good natural chemicals that you've unwillingly been starved of will make you feel great. Jump up and down and laugh, definitely look crazy now huh?! Who gives a crap. Go prod your mum on the sides above the hip where she's ticklish and make a game out of it, hey if you can consider your mum a friend instead of just your mum who's a relative that does free stuff for you then I don't care how awkward you feel at first at least you're doing something different and making yourself feel good for a well deserved change.
Get these books if you have commited to changing for the better:
I can change your life in 7 days, Paul Mckenna.
How to win friends and influence people, Dale Carnegie.
Feel fear... And do it anyway, Susan Jeffers.
Go get working out and join some social groups like you may have done in high school. This sort of thing is frowned upon in the UK, because some people see it as weakness to admit you have problems and want some help.
But hey if you're abondened in the desert and finally walk upon some travelers you'd be desperate then too and would definitely be wanting their help. In fact you'd be almost demanding their help and water.
Ask for help from those that offer it, you may feel silly and slightly weak for doing it, but that's just the unknown, just do it and after a few minutes I promise you'll be glad you metaphorically or really took their offered hand.
First of all, thank you for opening up and sharing your experience with us.
I know I've suffered from depression (a much lighter one though), and I know that I "recovered" from it a while back; but I don't really know if I could consider myself completely sane, as I find myself more pessimistic than after I "recovered" from it (a couple of years back). I think I know why though. The reason for my current pessimism could be my aversion for my "surroundings", meaning: "my" city, "my" country and most of its denizens and their culture. I live in a third world country with some serious issues that somehow people here seem to ignore and live like it is ok that they exist, or even worse, be part of those issues.
I feel like a foreigner in "my own" country. Average people here act in such questionable ways that I often ask myself what is going through their minds. Most adults are really immature, let alone people of my age (I am 21). Gaming here (or any other activity that average people do not take part in) is frown upon, and anyone who has different interests is immediately judged as a "weirdo".
Gaming has been such an important part in my life that I want to work as a game artist (3D Modeler / Texture Artist) in the game industry, and I am currently going through college (university?) with that goal in mind. Unfortunately, due to the situation of this country, education here is extremely mediocre. Universities / Schools / Colleges care mostly about money and ignore, for the most part, any career path that takes some kind of effort to reach; and don't even get me started on the lack of interest of the average student here. Luckily, I am a persistent individual who believes in autodidacticism, and I've been able to keep up with that dream that way.
My glimpse of hope is that, after my girlfriend and I graduate from our current college (university?) course; we plan to move to another country (most probably Canada) where we can actually receive decent education and hopefully find our dream career.
Rants aside, I completely agree with you that having people to talk to is one of the greatest things that can happen to anyone in this situation. I am extremely grateful to have a wonderful supporting family, people that I can count as friends and a girlfriend who I really really love.
All in all, thanks again for sharing it with us, and yes, Giant Bomb community rocks!
PD: I apologize for any mistakes on my writing since English its not my first language. Thanks for reading!
I understand your story man. I suffer from being clinically bipolar. Some days I'd feel great, then I'd be psycho. It's always been hard for me to admit that I needed help because the depression would go away then come back. A lot of my mood swings made a lot of my friends distance themselves from me. It's something I battle with everyday, but the treatment really works for any of these types of mental ilnesses. Once you understand it, you can only do so much to prevent it. I'm glad you had the courage to share your story, I really enjoyed it and I wish you luck!
I'm happy you've taken a step in the right direction and are feeling better.
Me on the other hand was trying so hard for years not to admit that I am depressed but I know I am and accept it. I do use games for a bit of escapism but sometimes it isn't enough, and I'l sleep the whole day after work so I'm not left alone with my thoughts.
You see, I'm no very athletic, and all my friends have grown up on onward in life (college, marriage, kids). I'm no good with meeting women unless it's through friends(and with those friends gone there's no women meeting) and I have a habit of not putting up with people's bullshit long enough to make new friends. So I'm in a rut and I know it and don't know how to get out, but you know what, I'm alive, I'll be alright.
i have a feeling (im not saying you guys in particular) say that theyre depressed because theyre sad all of a sudden... i dont get it
I'm prescribed Sertraline, although I stopped taking them. Had what I would consider serious OCD for roughly four years now and MDD along with it. It's a real hoot!
But weed brings both to a very manageable level.
I believe in depression, but I don't believe I have it. However, I have been feeling similar things from what you have mentioned in your thread; complaining about games, finding hobbies a chore, losing hope in the world's future-- these things I am feeling, and I'm starting to get the personal impression that I have actual depression. It could be because I'm overweight, which can stir some type of bodily reaction involving emotional fatigue and boredom, and maybe a lack of confidence about my recognition from others. I sometimes get the feeling that no one wants to be my friend because I'm fat, and not slim and athletic like people in movies, cartoons, TV shows, and all other types of art forms.
A psychiatrist can help, but I find psychiatrists to be a cheap and disgusting resort from the inability to grab human understanding from other people. It does show that humans no longer have the capability to show sympathy and comprehensibility towards the emotions and tragic origins of their friends and families, and thus we have to resort to paying a guy to understand us. This is why I dislike psychiatry, because it's something we, as humans, should have habitually and not skillfully.
Nicely written OP.
I've been having the same thing as described in this part of your post.
@Enigma777 said:Nor did I until I almost became suicidal.
I don't believe in depression.
Flip-flopper!
Also take your damn meds and perhaps you'll flip-flop on that as well.
I suffer from an extreme panic disorder and anxiety. Which is very closely linked to depression (i'm not entirely sure if i have depression or not) but I understand how difficult things are made by that sort of illness.
I find it hard to go out without having panic attacks, and searching for a job etc has been made extremely difficult. However, games have always been a part of my life and I have come to find that they help me to relax and loose myself in other worlds for a few hours a day so I stop thinking about everything that stresses me out.
I hope things get easier for you mate, I know how difficult things can get, for sure.
Not to discredit those who conquer depression without meds, but it's not possible for every single person. I've spent the better part of 9 years belittling medications and firmly believing they were unnecessary, uesless cash-ins on people that needed to be able to blame something out of their control for their hardships. This past semester has been difficult enough for me to give in and try them, and while it's not magic, I haven't hit the same lows as I did without the medication. It could definitely just be a psychological thing, but it could just as easily be legitimate chemical imbalances in the brain. I stopped the prescription halfway through and have since had a really unstable week, so I've started again...I'm of course uncertain about it, but to anyone who's hit their lowest of lows, medication might be worth your consideration. I will happily swallow my pride and proclaim that my past opinion was asinine if this is part of the answer to feeling better.
Yeah, it's very easy to think "I feel fine so it's unnecessary to continue with my medication, I wonder if it's even doing anything for me.." and stop taking your meds. Which might be a bad idea, or a really bad idea if you're unlucky.
Not to discredit those who conquer depression without meds, but it's not possible for every single person. I've spent the better part of 9 years belittling medications and firmly believing they were unnecessary, uesless cash-ins on people that needed to be able to blame something out of their control for their hardships. This past semester has been difficult enough for me to give in and try them, and while it's not magic, I haven't hit the same lows as I did without the medication. It could definitely just be a psychological thing, but it could just as easily be legitimate chemical imbalances in the brain. I stopped the prescription halfway through and have since had a really unstable week, so I've started again...I'm of course uncertain about it, but to anyone who's hit their lowest of lows, medication might be worth your consideration. I will happily swallow my pride and proclaim that my past opinion was asinine if this is part of the answer to feeling better.I do totally get that for some people medication is actually a viable and working solution; but for myself, it's a personal choice not to.
I don't like using/ingesting/being slave to anything that alters my state of mind. That can be most closely attributed to the fact that I don't want to end up like some of my family. Unfortunately there are a lot of addicts and burnouts in my family, some of whom we don't even know where they are/if they're alive currently. When I was really young, the cousin I idolized was killed in a car accident due to a drunk driver. I've sworn to myself never to use drugs, drink alcohol, etc. I never want to put anyone I'm close to through any pain that could be remotely similar to that... It's not even worth the risk for me.
I'm definitely not going to belittle those who use medication though. If it works, I'm extremely glad and hope you can find optimism with or without them; but, for me, I'm going to continue to refrain =)
I apologize for not responding to absolutely everyone's post, I've been trying to keep up via PMs and responses on here but it's hard when you're running from work to teaching to work again! Haha =)
<3
@Lavapotamus said:I use medication for my panic attacks, but I don't think it does a lot. I hate having to take tablets every day. I was on a type that could become an addiction so I changed to another lot in order to make sure I wasn't dependant on them so I completely respect your decision to brave it without meds. I plan to try and get off the meds I'm on as soon as I can, that's for sure.Not to discredit those who conquer depression without meds, but it's not possible for every single person. I've spent the better part of 9 years belittling medications and firmly believing they were unnecessary, uesless cash-ins on people that needed to be able to blame something out of their control for their hardships. This past semester has been difficult enough for me to give in and try them, and while it's not magic, I haven't hit the same lows as I did without the medication. It could definitely just be a psychological thing, but it could just as easily be legitimate chemical imbalances in the brain. I stopped the prescription halfway through and have since had a really unstable week, so I've started again...I'm of course uncertain about it, but to anyone who's hit their lowest of lows, medication might be worth your consideration. I will happily swallow my pride and proclaim that my past opinion was asinine if this is part of the answer to feeling better.I do totally get that for some people medication is actually a viable and working solution; but for myself, it's a personal choice not to.I don't like using/ingesting/being slave to anything that alters my state of mind. That can be most closely attributed to the fact that I don't want to end up like some of my family. Unfortunately there are a lot of addicts and burnouts in my family, some of whom we don't even know where they are/if they're alive currently. When I was really young, the cousin I idolized was killed in a car accident due to a drunk driver. I've sworn to myself never to use drugs, drink alcohol, etc. I never want to put anyone I'm close to through any pain that could be remotely similar to that... It's not even worth the risk for me. I'm definitely not going to belittle those who use medication though. If it works, I'm extremely glad and hope you can find optimism with or without them; but, for me, I'm going to continue to refrain =) I apologize for not responding to absolutely everyone's post, I've been trying to keep up via PMs and responses on here but it's hard when you're running from work to teaching to work again! Haha =)<3
I'm really glad that you took the time to write this. I don't suffer from depression myself but I think its awesome that you managed to sort out/start to sort out your problems, and I appreciate the fact that you love/enjoy/feel close enough to this community to share your story and problems with complete strangers on the internet. Hats off to you sir, and good luck in your future endeavors.
Wow, a very well-written post and I admire your ability to treat some of the edgier responses here in such a calm and friendly manner. I sympathise greatly with anyone who has your condition and I also sympathise with the things you've been through. I have a lot of respect for your ability to overcome some of your problems, your active choice to refuse medication, and your admittance of your problems here. I hope life isn't such a bitch to you in the future.
Nice post, OP. I've battle depression myself, but I had the opposite reaction: I escaped into games and other fun things and let my real life problems get worse. When I finally got help, I tried some Zoloft-like medication that worked for about 6 months. After that, though, I just changed my outlook on life a bit and haven't needed meds since.
Kudos to you for dealing with your depression, and for the well thought out post.
Touching story. Welcome to the community, it will be nice to have you here :)
It's good that you were able to affect real change in your life.
I don't like to go out doors much cause I don't like people looking at me, I really don't. Because I feel they all think "ugh, why's he so skinny, someone throw him a steak or something" But I'm fighting that feeling, and trying my best to not give a shit what anyone thinks about me. but Dude, I feel ya, it's hard out here for us abnormals :P
Thanks, pal. You made me think that, as human beings, we are all physically flawed. Movies, comics, games, and advertisements have given us a false, engraved opinion on that human beauty is.@Tru3_Blu3: Dude, it's no brighter on the other end of the spectrum. I'm skinny and that doesn't fly so much here in Harlem. The thugs don't hesitate to give you the hard stare cause they know you can't beat them in a fight, the women don't give you a second glance cause you don't fit the mold of being a strong, masculine man. I don't like to go out doors much cause I don't like people looking at me, I really don't. Because I feel they all think "ugh, why's he so skinny, someone throw him a steak or something" But I'm fighting that feeling, and trying my best to not give a shit what anyone thinks about me. but Dude, I feel ya, it's hard out here for us abnormals :P
@ProfessorK said:That observation is both apt and true =) I also am quite a skinny guy (though have been trying to bulk up, it isn't working) and lived in a rough neighbourhood during school. I'd often be accosted by people and a few times was threatened because of my appearance. I ended up growing a beard and wearing very heavy clothes a lot of the time when walking outside just so I'd feel safer. People are no 'nicer' to a small person, unfortunately. The thing that matters is having friends who treat you right, and treating those friends right in return. The opinion of someone who doesn't understand your personality or demeanor should be ov no consequence.Thanks, pal. You made me think that, as human beings, we are all physically flawed. Movies, comics, games, and advertisements have given us a false, engraved opinion on that human beauty is.@Tru3_Blu3: Dude, it's no brighter on the other end of the spectrum. I'm skinny and that doesn't fly so much here in Harlem. The thugs don't hesitate to give you the hard stare cause they know you can't beat them in a fight, the women don't give you a second glance cause you don't fit the mold of being a strong, masculine man. I don't like to go out doors much cause I don't like people looking at me, I really don't. Because I feel they all think "ugh, why's he so skinny, someone throw him a steak or something" But I'm fighting that feeling, and trying my best to not give a shit what anyone thinks about me. but Dude, I feel ya, it's hard out here for us abnormals :P
But, again, I am definitely no expert in the matter haha.
I've been dealing with depression for quite a while, myself. (Although 'dealing' might be giving myself a bit too much credit, honestly.) Being stuck in a new place with a crummy job after graduating college, and not knowing anyone, and not being able to meet any new people is quite the molotov cocktail of sadness, it seems. I really only have a couple people I can honestly talk with, but they live many states away now. They were probably the only thing that got me through some real dark stuff. I tried to find some help, but I already have a bit of an extreme aversion to doctors, and I couldn't find any "professionals" who were willing to talk to me, so I ended up giving up on that real quickly. Although I was too gutless to admit that to my very short list of people that I still talk to these days; I've been feeding them some falsehoods about that particular facet of my life so they don't worry too much about me.
I find that I use games as an escapism to not have to worry about the problems in my life, which tends to make them worse, and certainly doesn't help my motivation problem at all. It's just too bad that putting off everything in your life to find comfort in something like gaming just distracts from the fact that you're disappearing. So I don't really know where I'm going from here with my life. I worry sometimes that I wear all these troubles of mine like a badge of honor, and am scared of losing that for fear of becoming "normal" like everyone else. I remember someone else in this thread saying something like that (sorry for not remembering your username :/ ), so maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought. My cynicism and pessimism just seem so ingrained at this point, and I don't want to lose that. Can you be a happy cynic? Who knows.
I'm sorry about the rambling post, I honestly don't know why I wrote this up, presuming that anyone would care to read it. Reading your relate-able story brought up a lot of thoughts in my head which I was apparently too lazy to fit together cohesively.
It's probably worth pointing out that while your blog post got a hundred something replies, there are probably hundreds more who read it and were too ashamed to post their appreciation of it knowing they're not alone in suffering from clinical depression.
Good for you OP =D
I have clinical depression as well and don't want to take medication or go to a shrink. I've told some of my really close friends the extent to which I'm depressed and given some of my friends more of an overview so that they'll know what's going on. It gets really hard sometimes but it's bearable for the most part and my outlet is writing so it gets that stuff out of my head for the time being and allows me to think clearly.
I commend your strength in seeking help though. I just feel like therapy wouldn't work for me and I have a personal objection to medication due to my dad being manic depressive and him saying his medications made him feel empty. That being said I also have a serious pride issue and don't like talking about my weaknesses, so that hinders me I'm sure, I'm not strong enough yet =P
Anywho, congrats on your handling of the situation duder!!!
I read your newer blog and I don't know if you'll see this but you have my respect, dealing with depression directly and without that terrible medication is the right thing to do. I used to have inadequacy issues with myself and some pretty bad family moments but it got a lot better. I essentially stopped caring about social issues which lifted the inadequacy and the family moments have gotten better. I hope you continue to deal with your depression in a healthy way, good luck for the future.
i would not be lying if i said i wanted to kill myself after posting the thread with my dirty desk photo
fortunately? ive been depressed and "coping" without medication for ... a long time
if it wasnt for this thread i would have probaly taken the reaction to my post as a sign to gtfo
thankfully i read this thread .. and i know the world is still ok ... ill try harder
@Brunchies: I'm glad to hear you've overcome the family & social things, my friend =) I know for me that there was also a lot of family issues, but thankfully moving away and a bit of separation has really seemed to heal things. Thankfully it seems like when things start getting better, as long as the motivation is there, they'll snowball in a positive direction. Thank you for the kind words =)
@envane: There have been times in my past when suicide did seem like a reasonable option. As though it would be beneficial for people I know for them to no longer have to worry about me. Then I sat down and remembered all the times that I have loved someone and lost them. After having gone through over a dozen deaths of people very close to me, I realized that death was never a positive answer to anything - it only brings misery. Far more misery than someone would ever have to endure over something menial. Time heals everything (almost), and so does hard work. If there is something you feel inadequate about, it isn't talent or some immediate fix that's going to affect it - it will be a lot of hard work, and stepping away from everything to get a new perspective & fresh mind. I know change isn't an easy thing when you're used to something or if it seems easier to accept inadequacy, but sometimes it takes a kick in the bollocks to really motivate yourself to move forward. It's worth it =) If you ever need a chat or anything, always feel free to send a quick message or two - don't feel discouraged from GB, it's a wonderful community; but like any other there are a number of people who just want to be dicks and hide under the veil of internet anonymity. I wouldn't take it too hard =)
@Neferon: Thank you sir =) I suppose a year later is as good a time as any to say that things have indeed improved
It was tumultuous for a while, there were a few points within the past year where I just slipped into the slump of depression again for a week or so at a time. They were always caused by some caustic relationships with some people I know, but they always got resolved in a positive way. Thankfully I have people to talk with who are trustworthy and are sincerely concerned. I think if anyone is still needing any advice with this kind of stuff, my advice hasn't changed: have someone you trust to talk with. If you have someone to turn to, you likely won't just hide away for a long time and let it fester (like I did).
Thanks again for all the feedback on this thread, guys - even a year later it's humbling to know there have been a lot of other people with similar issues who also got through it. Again, if any of you need somewhere to turn to for a quick chat, feel free to send me a message =)
Yeah, as @Brunchies said, it's great that you're getting through this without meds! I've suffered from depression for years now and at one point I decided it was time to get some assistance from medication; a few months later, I landed in the institution (wouldn't have happened without the meds). Therefore, I'm glad that you're dealing with this in such a manner; just hold your head up and keep going!
By the way, I know this is an old blog but I still thought I should comment on it
I am in the same place you are, dealing with depression. And it's almost cliche, but hearing it any time really does help man.
Penny Arcade guys helped me plenty. Honestly I haven't made the move you have to seek some help.... but every story gets me closer. I just have that same impulse to deal with it myself that you describe. Sometimes it works better than it does other times.
Thanks for writing this for yourself and others. Wish you the best of luck man.
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