Tell a terrible joke

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Berezov

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#1  Edited By Berezov

Here, I'll go first. 
  
Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.    
 
Willing to accept jokes about how poor this thread is and how I fail as an OP. 

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HitmanAgent47

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#2  Edited By HitmanAgent47

Why didn't the cookie cross the road?

 
It was feeling crummy

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themangalist

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#3  Edited By themangalist
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VisariLoyalist

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#4  Edited By VisariLoyalist

okay here it goes. So a few days ago I smothered a guy to death with my nutsack, if you're wondering why I carry around a nutsack it's cause I LOVE CASHEWS

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Raakill

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#5  Edited By Raakill

What's the difference between a truckload of infants and a truckload of bowling balls?
 
You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.

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BionicMonster

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#6  Edited By BionicMonster

Steve Irwin died the way he lived.....with animals in his heart!(its terrible in atleast one sense of the word).

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VisariLoyalist

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#7  Edited By VisariLoyalist

here's another. What's the difference between a ferrari and 100 dead babies? I don't have a ferrari in my garage!

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Berezov

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#8  Edited By Berezov
@VisariLoyalist:  
 
You are on fire!
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spiceninja

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#9  Edited By spiceninja

What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A RASH of good luck! HA!

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allprox

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#10  Edited By allprox
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TheKidNixon

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#11  Edited By TheKidNixon

(One of those you gotta say outloud) 
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? 
 
Anyone can roast beef.

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Video_Game_King

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#12  Edited By Video_Game_King

Here's my bad joke: Kane & Lynch. (Hey, I told you it was bad.)

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DoctorWelch

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#13  Edited By DoctorWelch

Why did the chicken cross the road...nevermind

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landon

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#14  Edited By landon
@PlasmaBeam44: You took mine.
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TerraDelu

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#16  Edited By TerraDelu

Three peanuts were walking down the street. One was aSALTted.

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turboman

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#17  Edited By turboman  Staff
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deactivated-6022efe9ba3cf

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one_2nd

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#19  Edited By one_2nd

I love all of the Helen Keller and dead baby jokes. 

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zeforgotten

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#20  Edited By zeforgotten  Online

First one, really bad: A baby seal walks into a club... oh wait. 
 
 
Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy. 
 
A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary"

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Brunchies

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#21  Edited By Brunchies

What's sticky and slimy
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A new born baby.

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andrela

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#22  Edited By andrela
@ZeForgotten said:
"  Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy.  A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary" "
I'm also tipsy. Laughed for a good few minutes at this
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zeforgotten

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#23  Edited By zeforgotten  Online
@Andrela said:
" @ZeForgotten said:
"  Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy.  A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary" "
I'm also tipsy. Laughed for a good few minutes at this "
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with a weird sense of humor then. 
Random and silly jokes can make me laugh easily, especially after a few drinks
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SilentCommando

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#24  Edited By SilentCommando

There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here" and the other muffin says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN"

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natetodamax

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#25  Edited By natetodamax

Police arrested two kids yesterday. They charged one and let the other one off. 
 
HAR HAR HAR

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chmod

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#26  Edited By chmod
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Berezov

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#27  Edited By Berezov
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Crescendo1897

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#28  Edited By Crescendo1897

HEY INSERT NAME, I HAVE TOO MUCH ZAZZ 
WHATS THAT, AND HOW MUCH? 
ENOUGH THAT I COULD PIZZAZZ

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zeforgotten

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#29  Edited By zeforgotten  Online
@SilentCommando said:
" There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here" and the other muffin says "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN" "
That's the stuff I was talking about. 
Completely random jokes like that makes me laugh. 
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HitmanAgent47

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#30  Edited By HitmanAgent47

Why did the cannibus leaf climbed the mountain?

 
 
It wanted to get high

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Hailinel

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#31  Edited By Hailinel

This was a joke a speaker at a family reunion once told.
 
There was this married couple that once found some mushrooms growing in their back yard.  They didn't know whether or not they were safe to eat, so they fed a couple to their dog.  The dog didn't suffer any ill effects from them, so the couple decided to pluck the rest and prepare them in some of the food for a dinner party they were hosting.
 
Later that night, the dinner party was in full swing.  As the evening wore on, all of the guests had at one point or another eaten some of the mushrooms.  Then the couple's butler walks in and announces to everyone that the dog had just died.  The party immediately erupted into panic.  Paramedics were called in, and the rest of the evening was spent with the guests all getting their stomachs pumped.
 
Then, at the end of the night, the butler came back in.  "I just couldn't believe it.  How could the driver not see the poor dog out in the road like that."

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MooseyMcMan

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#32  Edited By MooseyMcMan

This forum. Zing!

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Vonocourt

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#33  Edited By Vonocourt

 A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here." 

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lilbigsupermario

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#34  Edited By lilbigsupermario
@Hailinel said:
" This was a joke a speaker at a family reunion once told.  There was this married couple that once found some mushrooms growing in their back yard.  They didn't know whether or not they were safe to eat, so they fed a couple to their dog.  The dog didn't suffer any ill effects from them, so the couple decided to pluck the rest and prepare them in some of the food for a dinner party they were hosting.  Later that night, the dinner party was in full swing.  As the evening wore on, all of the guests had at one point or another eaten some of the mushrooms.  Then the couple's butler walks in and announces to everyone that the dog had just died.  The party immediately erupted into panic.  Paramedics were called in, and the rest of the evening was spent with the guests all getting their stomachs pumped.  Then, at the end of the night, the butler came back in.  "I just couldn't believe it.  How could the driver not see the poor dog out in the road like that." "
This is similar to a scene in the movie "Her Alibi" starring Tom Selleck.  In the movie, the girl cooked the food before she left the house, then someone assumed the food was poisoned coz the cat who ate the same cooked food died.  So the whole group panicked, went out and tried to vomit, but didn't work so they rushed to the hospital.  When the girl came back and found everyone gone, the maid told her that everyone ran out after they saw the dead cat that was actually electrocuted, not poisoned.
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lilbigsupermario

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#35  Edited By lilbigsupermario
@ZeForgotten said:
" First one, really bad: A baby seal walks into a club... oh wait.   Second one that I was told recently that I found funny at the time, I was a little tipsy.  A man walks into a bar. he sits down in front of a bowl of peanuts and orders a drink. He starts snacking on the nuts as he waits for his drink. All of a sudden he hears a voice say "you're handsome". The man looks around and there's no one around, but he sits there and goes back to eating the peanuts and all of a sudden he hears "nice facial hair," and "I really like what you've done with the mustache." He looks around, strokes his beard, doesn't know where it's coming from, has another drink, and hears, "I like your shoes." Looks at his shoes and keeps looking around for the voice. The bartender comes up with the drink the man ordered and the man asks, "This may be weird, but there is someone around here saying nice things to me... is it you, man?" and the bartender says, "No, it's the peanuts; they are complimentary" "
this is not a terrible joke! i laughed at this lol!
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NikoAlexander57

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#36  Edited By NikoAlexander57

Your dad walks into a bar...every morning and stays there till it closes.

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ThePhantomnaut

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#37  Edited By ThePhantomnaut

Black people in Japan.

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jasta

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#38  Edited By jasta

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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#39  Edited By bed
@ThePhantomnaut said:
" Black people in Japan. "
i lol'd so much  
am i a bad person? 
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#40  Edited By Sykosis

A Buddhist Monk walks into a Burger King, ponders a minute, then walks up to the clerk and says, "make me one with everything."

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jasta

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#41  Edited By jasta

Hit Dawn French at 40 and there is a 100% chance you will die.

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andrela

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#42  Edited By andrela
@ZeForgotten said:
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with a weird sense of humor then. Random and silly jokes can make me laugh easily, especially after a few drinks "
I have a very warped sense of humour, even before I have drink in me
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McSmunions

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#43  Edited By McSmunions

have you heard the one about the helicopter?
 
 
never mind, it's over your head.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

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isaiah

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#44  Edited By isaiah

why did the dead baby cross the road 
  
because it was nailed to the chicken.
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raccoonusdoodus

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#45  Edited By raccoonusdoodus

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath!!

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jasta

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#46  Edited By jasta

Punch and Judy

Making domestic violence funny since the 16th Century

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robownz7

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#47  Edited By robownz7

Young Native American: "How do we get out names?" 
Tribal Leader: "Well, when you are born we name you after what is happening in your surroundings." 
Tribal Leader: "For example, your father was born in the woods and in the distance was a bear, his name is Warrior Bear."
Tribal Leader: "Your mother was born in an open field and above us flew eagles, her name is Majestic Eagle."
Tribal Leader: "But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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ajamafalous

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#48  Edited By ajamafalous
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n00d13z

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#49  Edited By n00d13z

Whats pink and slimy and crawls up your leg? 
A homesick abortion.

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bubahula

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#50  Edited By bubahula

war does not determine who is right...only who is left