The Jumper Sausage Review
Where do I begin? I guess I can start off by firmly saying that Jumper: Griffin's Story is the worst X360 game I have ever played. I’ll get some quick points out of the way first. There’s not much to the audio in this game. There’s simple music, lackluster sound effects and while Jamie Bell does lend his voice for the game, he wasn’t given much to do. What I’m basically saying is that the audio is the best part of the game. Can you see where this review is heading already? The controls are junk and camera is terrible. I will say that the only real decent part of this game is the fighting system. Each face button corresponds to a different direction, but they never really make any use of it besides the basic attacks.
Let's have a discussion on the graphics now. This new generation is the HD-era so I'm guessing you think this game will be a real looker. I’m sorry to disappoint, but Jumper looks absolutely pathetic and wouldn’t even be able to cut it on the last-gen systems. Jumper actually look comparable to some Playstation 1 games and I'm not exaggerating. All the enemies are basically the same with either a darker skin tone or a vagina and the world is extremely bland, but that’s not even the worst part. There is draw-in inside rooms and in some cases the floor textures won't even load in the game. There really isn't anything better than beating down on some generic dude while you’re both walking on air. Besides being a graphical piece of fecal matter, there’s still plenty more loving to go around!
This game is short, really short. I don’t think I’ve played a single-player game this short since the days of the NES. I’ve heard people say 2-3 hours is what it would take to beat the game, but I was able to go through it in just over an hour. When a game is shorter than the movie it's based upon, you just have to sit back in awe of what you've just experienced. I’ve never seen a game so poorly put together and above all, I can’t believe that they have the balls to charge full price for it. The game isn’t worth the price of a movie ticket, it’s not even worth the $5 it cost to buy the Burger King games. Sneak King looks like Bioshock in comparison and that’s being kind.
Honestly, don’t buy this game. Don’t rent it .Don’t play it. Are you an achievement whore looking for your next fix? It’s true that you can get some very easy points and get them quick, but know this: with each achievement you unlock, you lose another piece of your soul. Trust me on that, my soul is crying his eyes out and I don’t know if he will ever be the same again. At least playing this game has helped me understand the movie. I can see why Samuel L. Jackson wants to kill all the jumpers. If there were no jumpers then there would be no game and that’s the kind of world I would want to live in.
Pixelated Sausage
Kush
