Here are a selection of "arguments" and "criticisms" you can use to convince yourself (and others) this game is going to be bad. Our highly qualified team of researchers have braved many hours in Internet message boards researching these arguments and criticisms from the best "trolls" and "XBOTs" the Internet has to offer. As a result we have developed the most indepth guide to curing "Killzonitis".
"Killzonitis" is a disease that can be contracted by those who don't own a Playstation 3 nor can afford to purchase one within the coming 90 days. The disease is mostly viral and can be contracted on Internet message boards where posts about the "Killzone 2" video game are most frequent.
In order to cure your contraction simply revise the supplied "criticisms" below until they are lodged within the deepest depths of your brain. In order to help others (and to stop the disease spreading further) we recommend you disguise these "criticisms" into thoughtful and unbiased posts all around the Internet. Try blogs, message boards, chat rooms and even XBOX Live.
Soon you and your compatriots will be convinced the "Killzone 2" video game was just a bad, bad dream.
- "It doesn't look anything like 'that' CG trailer."
- "It looks very generic."
- "Oh no, not another first person shooter. I'm honestly kind of bored with first person shooters."
- "The Dualshock 3 controller is pretty bad for first person shooters."
- "There's too much grey and brown, I wished they'd put more colour in."
- "The AI is really dumb on the 'Easy' difficulty setting."
- "There's no co-operative mode. Every video game needs a co-operative mode."
- "The game looks good but it's not really very innovative. I only play innovative games."
- "The Playstation 3 is too expensive and this is the only good game. I just can't justify the purchase."
- "I doubt the online competitive play will be anywhere near as good as Halo 3 or Call Of Duty 4."
- "The game looks like it's going to be really short and I don't like online multiplayer."
- "You have to preorder the game from Gamestop to receive a demo. This shows Sony are trying to hide something."
- "I wouldn't get your hopes up, Guerilla are yet to prove themselves as developers."
- "It's a Playstation 3 exclusive."
- "Killzone 1 was an awful game."
- "The weapons lack any real 'punch' to them."
- "The death animations are far too over dramatic."
- "Game is not 1080p, 60fps."
- "This game is all style and little to no substance."
- "Sony lied."
- "I prefer getting achievement points to trophies so I'd rather buy an XBOX 360 game than this."
- "The prequel didn't have a jump button so I bet you won't be able to jump in this either."
- "It looks good but Crysis looks way better on my £7,500 PC."
- "There are only eight multiplayer maps. Sony just want us to pay for some extra ones that could have been on the disc."
- "There are no games on the Playstation 3 so I haven't turned it on for ages. I don't want to have to go through the process of installing Firmware updates."
- "I don't want to play multiplayer games over PSN because it sucks."
- "Why would I play a tactical shooter on a system where nobody talks?"
- "The controls aren't exactly the same as CoD4 so it's probably not going to be very good."
- "The gameplay looks more realistic than CoD4. Hardcore gamers prefer the arcade gameplay of CoD4 really."
- [Post PSN demo announcement] "They really should put the demo on the store weeks in advance of the games release. Sony are disgraceful."
- "Game is bad because it has no 'marketable' hook."
- "Sony owned developers are trying to make crappy games so they don't have to be exclusive anymore. Guerilla are one of these developers."
This list is based on real flames by real Internet message board posters across the world. Honourable mentions and thanks go to the "trolls" on NeoGAF, GiantBomb, Eurogamer and GameTrailers.
We will be updating this post in real-time as new, potentially curing, "criticisms" are discovered.
It's quite easy to spot someone suffering from the "Killzonitis" disease. Their eyes may go blank and mouth may drop into an open position. Refer to this visual representation of two "Killzonitis" sufferers if you're unsure whether your friends or family are infected:
Remember, sharing these "criticisms" with the infected and across the Internet are essential to solving the disease that is "Killzonitis".
Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dr. Samuel Barker BSc MSc PHd
(Head of research on "Project Killzone" at Oxford University).
</sarcasm>
Log in to comment